Hot Coco(a)

Football, Booze, and a dusting of Snow

2012-01-24T09:39:00.000-08:00

Last weekend was a doozy!

Friday, I had the day all to myself. Since I worked the weekend before, I gave myself a nice little treat to look forward to--a 3-day weekend! It was fantastic.

Thursday night, Sean and I tried out a "new" restaurant nearby--it used to be called Fins, but a new owner took over and changed the atmosphere. We didn't eat so I can't comment on the menu, but my drink(s) were STRONG and I was ready for bed by 11pm!

Friday, I slept in (which now means 8 am these days--my college self would be disgusted) and then went shopping and bought myself a big old burrito at Chipotle. Then, when Sean got home from work, we had a nice little happy hour at home, and then headed to one of our favorite places for drinks with another couple. When we left the bar around midnight, it was snowing. The white powder was gorgeous and made the two of us want to cozy up in our sweatpants, so we headed home and called it an early (snowy!!!) night.

View from our front window:

On Saturday, I slept in until 11am (!!!!) and awoke to the boy making coffee. Both our tummies were rumbling, and the snow had pretty much melted (it turned to rain overnight), so we headed a mile down the street to Nacho Mama's, a Baltimore landmark that also happens to be one of our personal favorites. We both were indulgent and had some quesadillas. Chicken for Sean, and Spinach and Mushroom for me :-)

Sunday, we awoke for THE BIG GAME. In case you didn't know, I live in Baltimore and grew up here and am therefore a BALTIMORE RAVENS fan. Sunday's AFC Championship Game against the Patriots was a nailbiter! Sean and I decided to go early (or what we thought would be early enough) to Fell's Point to a bar we love called Alexander's. We got there an hour before game time, and there was nowhere to sit or stand--yikes! After browsing a couple different bars, we finally settled on Dogwatch Tavern. Neither of us had been before, and although it was also super crowded, we LOVED the atmosphere and knew it was our game spot. We ended up doing some of this with some college frat boys (hey, you only live once, right?):

aaaand we kicked their butts, just sayin'.

After our glorious pong win, we obviously needed some grub:

(hummus tray for me...it was decent, but not incredible)

(burger for the boy with a generous portion of fries, some of which I snagged)

...and of course PLENTY of beer was consumed.

After the Ravens lost, we were sad, so we came home, relaxed, and called it an early night.

************

Now I am back to the daily grind. My first 5-day work week in awhile, but luckily it has flown by--so far. Only 1.5 days until the weekend!

Tomorrow I'll be posting another Coffee Cutback update, so stay tuned!

How was your weekend? Was it as indulgent and lazy as mine? What are your plans for the upcoming weekend?

Coffee Cutback: Day 1

2012-01-13T11:52:00.000-08:00

So, as I mentioned in yesterday's post, I am trying to be more aware of how much coffee I am drinking day-to-day, and what factors surround it.

I'm proud to say that today, I only have ONE 8-ounce cup of coffee--and it was Breakfast Blend, which is lighter/less caffeinated than my usual Jet Fuel.

I may end up drinking a pick-me-up beverage later this afternoon (it is 3:00 now), but I am hoping to avoid it!

Yay me.

As for my emotions, I think the reason such a small amount of coffee was consumed today was because my workday was a lot less hectic than Fridays normally are for me. So, I guess less stress = less coffee cravings.

I'll update you more as the days go on. Tomorrow and Sunday I work half-days (4-hour shifts from noon-4pm), so I might indulge and grab a latte on my way. Hey, I am sacrificing watching the Ravens kick some Texas booty on Sunday in the Playoff game, so the least I can do is give myself some caffeine ;-)

What are your weekend plans? Like I said, I am working two half-days, but I think I'll manage in some fun tonight and tomorrow night. I also have Monday off for Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Birthday. I haven't decided what to do that day yet--perhaps use some of my Christmas gift cards!

Cutting Back on Coffee

2012-01-12T07:12:00.000-08:00

The name of my blog is Hot Coco(a). The tagline is "sipping through life". Clearly, I like my hot beverages, including none other than COFFEE. I can't start my morning without my daily dose of Joe.

But recently, since it's a new year and all, I've been thinking about my coffee habit and trying to analyze it (yes, I am a psychologist, could you tell?). Am I drinking coffee because I physically need it, or is it a habit that I simply do along with brushing my teeth, checking my facebook, and washing my hair (not necessarily in that order, though)?

Recently, as a Christmas gift to the staff, the head doctors here pitched in and bought my department a brand new, shiny Keurig maker. It's in the conference room every morning calling out my name--especially since they keep it well-stocked with a collection of coffees, teas, and hot cocoas.

Now, my morning routines vary from day to day--on my early days of work (aka at my desk by 7:30), I usually wait until I am at work to make a cup. But on my late days (aka don't get in until 10:30), I sometimes find myself drinking an ENTIRE POT of coffee all by myself--before I even leave my house (or my couch, for that matter).

Then, depending on the time I have in my day, my stress and energy level, and even my emotional state, I find myself turning to coffee. Much like my patients turn to drugs (and technically, caffeine is a drug, but that's a post for another day). Much like I used to turn to my eating disorder. Hmmm....the therapist wheels of my mind started turning, and here's what I am discovering:

I don't think I really NEED coffee. I honestly believe that I could function perfectly well without it. (Or, ok, with a lot less of it.) Last week, I was really busy at work, and realized that each day, I only had enough for one 8-ounce cup of coffee. And it was the perfect amount to fuel my morning.

So, I began to think "Hmm...maybe I should try to cut back on my coffee intake, even just a liiiittle".

So, here is my "plan":

I am going to attempt to monitor my coffee intake over the next few weeks. Before I change the behavior, I need to determine the factors behind it. So, I am going to try to record how much coffee I drink each day, and when, and the emotional state I am in when it occurs, including how much work I have and how much stress I have.

I am approaching the subject clinically, while still keeping in mind the importance of my emotional and mental state when it comes to my coffee consumption.

Then, I will go from there. I don't want to cut out coffee completely, because I think it tastes good and helps me start my day. My goal is simply to become more cognizant of my consumption and determine what it means.

What are your thoughts? Are you a coffee drinker? If so, how many cups (or pots--eek!) do you drink per day?

How do I write a New Year's post that isn't cliche...

2012-01-03T13:32:00.000-08:00

...I've come to the conclusion that it just isn't possible. So, bear with me (or just skip this post if you're sick of New Year's posts).

I am not necessarily a huge fan of "New Year's Resolutions", per se. My personal opinion is: if you want something, go for it NOW, whether it's January or July!

However, there is something about the reality of time passing each year that makes us more aware of what is going on in our lives--what our goals were last year and how we did, and what our goals are for the year ahead.

Here is where I was last year and how I've measured up:

2011 Goals

Personal:

Remember: I am my #1 priority. (This is still a work in progress.)
Practice saying “No” when appropriate. (YES. I have made lots of progress on this one!)
Accept myself as I am without trying to change. (I actually want to revoke this--I think change is good...haha)
Be confident in my intelligence, beauty, and ability as a human being whether I am in a relationship or not. (I did a great job with this one by dating around and being single for awhile, and finally found a great guy once I was comfortable on my own.)
Set aside 15 minutes per day to do something completely calming for myself, like journaling, taking a bubble bath, or reading for pleasure. (I am working on this one--it's tough with a full-time job though!)
Read at least 1 book per month (12 per year). (Maybe not one per month--some months I read barely at all, other months I read a book a week. But all in all, I have done really well with this one. Thanks to my nook I received in May, it has been even easier!)
Do something social at least once a week (drinks, lunch, coffee, etc.). (I am absolutely on top of this one!)

Fitness/Health:

Maintain a healthy weight for my body & a positive relationship with food (food is fuel, & it is meant to be savored & enjoyed in moderation). (This one is up and down, as usual, but the weight is definitely steady.)
Run a 5k or 10k for a good cause (TNT?). (Noooope. Maybe this year?)
Breast Cancer Walk (Washington, D.C. in May?). (Negative.)
NEDA walk (look into this). (Another big, fat NO.)
Yoga at least twice per week (Saturday 9am class w/ Mom, video podcasts/DVDs on my own). (I am just starting to get into my practice again at home...)
Wear sunscreen/moisturizer EVERY DAY! (Proudly, YES! Skin cancer ain't no joke, folks!)

Financial:
Get a steady job, preferably in my field. (Yes, thank goodness!)
Put at least 20% of my paycheck each month towards an apartment fund. (Now about 50% of my paycheck goes towards rent. Bills aren't cheap, friends.)
Save $20 per month to put towards retirement/savings. (Proudly, I have surpassed this, both with my company's 403(b) Savings Program and my own thriftiness :-) )
Give $10 per month to a charity (NEDA?). (Ashamed to say, I have NOT done this. I must start doing this more, though!
Learn to manage my money & budget (and time!). (Still learning, but yes.)
Move into my own apartment by January 2012 (I moved into my own place in March 2011, so I was wayyy ahead on this one--woohoo! P.S. Remember how excited I was?!)

So, as you can see, I failed in some areas (ahem fitness) and rocked in others (career/financial). And you know what? I am totally ok with that. I am at a great place in my life right now with a stable job, a loving boyfriend, a roof over my head, and even some extra money each month for fun things like date nights and the occasional pair of shoes. So what if I haven't achieved all the lofty goals I laid out for myself over a year ago?

This year, I am nixing the "resolutions" and instead I vow to do three simple things: be kind to myself, be kind to others...and call my grandma more often. :-)

Happy New Year!

What is your opinion on New Year's Resolutions--love 'em or hate 'em?

'Twas the week before Christmas...

2011-12-19T08:52:00.000-08:00

I simply cannot believe that Christmas is in 6 days. 6 DAYS!!!

Yikes! I know I say this every year, but seriously--where has the time gone?! It feels like just yesterday I was swearing about the 100 degree heat wave and now we are getting ready for the winter cold and snow.

Sean and I are pretty much ready for Christmas. Gifts are bought (some are still in transit--hoping UPS pulls through!), stockings are hung, tree is lit, and plans are (almost) solidified.

I still work a full week of work, but having the Monday after Christmas off will be a nice treat.

Our plans this year include egg nog (for him), wine (for me), family, food, friends, and lots of festive holiday cheer.

What am I most looking forward to? Snuggling on the couch in my jammies watching Christmas movies. Sometimes, it's the little things. :-)

What are you looking forward to this holiday?

Easy Cake Mix Cookies

2011-12-12T14:29:00.000-08:00

As promised, I am trying to blog more often, and I couldn't not share this easy peasy recipe I used for cookies. Now I have something tasty to bring to tomorrow's office Holiday Party, and I barely broke a sweat in the kitchen. Plus, the recipe calls for only 3 ingredients, so I spent about $5 total on the whole batch.

Enjoy!

*********

Easy Cake Mix Cookies

(makes approx. 30)

Ingredients:

1. 1 box white cake mix (I used Pillsbury because it was 79 cents on sale!)

2. 1/2 cup vegetable oil

3. 2 whole large eggs

4. Ungreased cookie sheet

Instructions:

1. Heat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Mix cake batter, eggs, and oil in a large bowl. (I added a splash of water to the mix because it was a little too gooey and needed to be softened up a bit)

3. Using your fingers, shape into generous globs and place an inch apart on an ungreased cookie sheet.

4. Bake at 350 for 5-10 minutes (you should watch them closely to make sure they don't burn).

They are finished when they are lightly browned around the edges.

5. Cool for at least 10 minutes.

6. Give to boyfriend to taste test.

7. Eat and Enjoy!

(*Note: My cookies look a little more brown in color than the typical recipe calls for because I made brownie batter in the same bowl and decided to just mix the extra residue into my cookie mix...lazy, but delicious! A win--win)

Epic Blogger Fail

2011-12-05T09:01:00.001-08:00

So, I've definitely been slackin' in the whole "good blogger" department. But, such is life.

If anyone is still out there reading my sporadic and rather random posts, I commend you!

So, as for my life--I am recovering from my surgery and am doing well. I was out of work for 2 weeks but have been back for a few weeks now and am in the swing of things. Thanksgiving was relaxing and it was nice to see some family that I hadn't seen in months.

The boy and I have moved in together, and it is going wonderfully. In fact, it's creepy how perfect things have been so far. In fact, today is his birthday!

Last weekend the man and I went and got a real, LIVE Christmas tree. This is a big deal for me because my family used to go cut down our own tree when my brother and I were little, but we stopped doing it when we were in middle school. I absolutely love the smell of the fresh needles every time I walk in the door. S and I had a great time decorating and we love lighting it up every night while we cozy up on the couch.

Ah, how I love this time of year.

Isn't it gorgeous?!

Anyway, as for my recovery, things are just so-so. I feel like I'm at a standstill. My weight, although it fluctuated a bit after surgery, has been stable for awhile now. And I am totally comfortable eating (and drinking) in most social situations without guilt or worry.

But, I feel like I haven't made a 100% full recovery--is there such a thing? I know part of it is me letting other things take priority--my job, my family, my boyfriend--and I know it is up to me to do the hard work. But I guess I've just gotten to this point where I'm comfortable, and I need to push myself just a little bit harder.

For example, I have to admit to myself that I could stand to gain a few pounds more. And I know I should be going to therapy regularly, and I haven't been for the last few months. I don't really know why I stopped. I have plenty of excuses in my head, but when it comes down to it, my eating disorder recovery is IMPORTANT and I don't know why I've gotten so apathetic about it.

So, I definitely have some goals for the coming weeks and months--and what better time to set new goals than right around New Year's, right?

I am going to try to take even the smallest steps toward getting back in the game as far as my recovery goes. Whether that means pushing myself to try some new foods at the office Christmas party, or even just calling my therapist to set up an appointment...I really think it will make a big difference.

On an unrelated note, I also am going to make a more concerted effort to blog regularly (we'll see how that goes), and some career changes are possibly in my future (more on that in a different post).

How is everyone else doing? Getting ready for the holidays?

A Whole Lot More Than Food Poisoning

2011-11-02T22:14:00.000-07:00

So, Halloween weekend was a blast. Monday's festivities at work were also a blast. We all dressed up--I wore Sean's leprechaun costume from my previous post--LOL--and had a potluck at work. There were food, games, and fun.

Then I went home as usual, handed out some candy to trick or treaters, vegged in front of the TV, had a glass of wine, and went to bed.

Well, for some reason, Monday night I could not fall asleep. My stomach was bothering me, and I thought maybe I had eaten too much candy and too many rich foods at the potluck. I ate some pretzels and tried to sleep it off...to no avail. The pain in my belly kept getting worse, and permeated throughout my entire torso and chest.

Good thing Sean was there with me. He--bless his heart--drove at 4am to Walgreen's to buy me ginger ale, crackers, and pepto bismol. I tried all of the above remedies--more than once--and if anything, my pain only got more intense. I tried laying on my side, my back, my stomach, sitting up, walking around...you get the picture. By this time it was around 6am...I hadn't slept all night, and something in my gut (NO PUN INTENDED) was telling me to go to the Emergency Room just to be safe.

Sean and I headed to a nearby hospital (not the one where I work) that he knows and trusts from some family stuff in the past.

At the ER, it wasn't too busy and I was admitted by 7am. I explained my symptoms: abdominal pain, chest pain, nausea--and was immediately taken back fro X-rays, being asked a zillion questions, and getting blood drawn and my urine tested (for signs of possible pregnancy--negative, by the way!).

When the chest scans were fine, they did CAT scans of my abdomen. I knew something was up when about an hour after the first one, they told me they needed further scans. By this time, it was past 11am.

Around 12pm, while Sean and I were waiting for results of the scan, I began experiencing the sharpest pains I have ever felt in my life. Right in my lower abdomen. It was so intesne, I begain to cry. Once we finally got the nurse's attention (it was crowded in the ER at this point), she immmediately brought in the doctor. He started poking my stomach in various places, and when he poked on the left, it hurt on the right. When he poked me on the right and then let go, I felt a piercing pain and screamed.

"That's not just something you ate." he said. "I believe that's appendicitis."

At this point he began talking about morphine drips and surgery and overnight stays and scars...so Sean finally called my parents to give them the scoop. I had held off on telling them because I honestly thought it was a virus and that I'd be given antibiotics and told to go home.

There was a major delay for my surgery, which was a very painful few hours--even with morphine--but I finally got to surgery around 7pm. And hour later, my appendix had been successfully removed--and according to the surgeon, it was extremely inflamed and I am lucky I came into the hospital when I did (if left ignored/untreated, your appendix can rupture, causing lifelong complications and even death).

So, last night I stayed overnight. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything--even water--until around 12 noon today. I hadn't eaten dinner since Monday night! I am still on the most restricted liquid diet they have here though--for "lunch", some broth, juice, and an italian ice--all of which I couldn't even finish. For dinner I switched it up with a hot tea and some jello to go with my broth.

Right now it is 1:30am and I have been in and out of sleep. The nurses come to check on my every few hours, to check my vital signs and give me meds. They are all super nice and attentive to my needs. They are personable and truly care about me. It is so nice.

I am in a loooot of pain and discomfort, and it takes all my energy just to go to the bathroom. I have a constant IV drip of sugar/saline/salt to replenish me, and that helps a bit.

I am hoping that I will be able to eat a bit more in the morning--maybe I will be allowed to have oatmeal or yogurt. i just hope I can handle it.

In any case, I hope to get discharged tomorrow, and my parents and boyfriend will take turns caring for me. I am so lucky and loved. I received flowers from family members and friends, and it brightened my day.

Meds are kickin in and I am about to zonk out. Later gators...

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T04:59:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween!

Hope it is devilishly good (and lucky, too!)

*****

Proper post coming soon...

Allow Me to Explain...

2011-09-28T12:31:00.000-07:00

...Why I have been MIA for so long! And why my blog perhaps mysteriously stopped appearing on your reading lists (that is assuming, of course, that you all are still reading!).

There was a bit of an issue with privacy in photographs and names on my blog. A few people, I will not say who, were concerned about being displayed on the internet for all to see.

I totally get it, and I understand. While this blog has been an outlet for me and a way for me to share my life with you all for the past 2.5 years, I understand that not everyone else feels comfortable doing that.

So, at first, I "deleted" the blog, but once I took some time off, I was DYING to come back. I missed you guys! I went through and deleted/edited some of my posts, and now I am back. You may be seeing/hearing less about certain topics and people, but it is still the same old Hot Coco(a) you know and (hopefully) love.

*********************

So, with that taken care of, here are some updates:

1. The best friend is now officially Married! (And I didn't pee my pants during my speech!). There will be photos to follow in another post.

2. The boy and I have officially decided to take the plunge and move in together. It's a big step, but I know it is for the best and it will all work out. Right now we are still in the "looking" phase, but we are hoping that pretty soon looking will turn to "moving".

3. Work...is still work. Haha. I don't hate it and I still generally like my job in particular, but I can't say I like work in general.

Fun activities as of late have included:

-BFF's Wedding (and rehearsal dinner, and reception...)

-MD Wine Festival

-Virgin Mobile Free Music Festival

-Exploring Baltimore and trying out some new places

What has everyone else been up to as of late?

This 4 Day Weekend

2011-09-01T05:54:00.000-07:00

This 4 Day Weekend is special for several reasons:

It is the first 4-day weekend I have had since I began working full-time in April

It is my first "Labor" Day as an actual member of the workforce

I am kicking it off by FINALLY seeing the final Harry Potter movie

My best friend is getting MARRIED on Saturday! AHHHH

I don't even know where to begin. My emotions are all over the place. I can't believe that my best friend will be a married woman in 2 days' time. It makes me nostalgic for our childhood, but at the same time excited for my own adult future.

It seems like just yesterday she and I were playing dress-up and holding fake Miss America Pageants in our basements...and now, she will be walking down the aisle.

I am the Maid of Honor. Am I nervous? YES. (Mainly because of my specch--yikes!)

But mostly, I am just super excited to share in this special day together. Her fiance is amazing and they will have a wonderful marriage. I have a great boyfriend/wedding date. I get to reconnect with family and friends. I get free food and drinks and can dance the night away. Basically, it is going to be fabulous.

And Monday? Well, Monday...is for sleep.

Earthquake...in Baltimore?!

2011-08-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday around 2:00 pm, I was sitting in my office reading a magazine after eating lunch, when suddenly...something happened.

Things started moving. The pictures on my wall moved. My computer was shaking. I looked out the window from my 6th-floor office and felt dizzy, trying to steady myself as I felt the building swaying beneath my feet.

Co-workers in the conference room screamed. I made my way into the hall and we all stood, frozen, unsure what to do or what was going on.

Then, as quickly as it began, it was over.

"Was that...an earthquake?!" someone said with disbelief... "in Baltimore?!"

We evacuated the building and stood on the lawn for a few minutes until a hospital official informed us that yes, this was in fact an earthquake, a 5.9 level earthquake with the epicenter in Virginia.

"That really shook me up!" I said to my boss, who luckily also has an appreciation for my classy sense of humor and quick, original wit.

Then, we went inside and had a meeting 10 minutes later. The downside of working in a medical hospital? We don't just "close", like my mom's work did. Humph.

Next on the agenda?

A hurricane this weekend, apparently.

How is your week going? Anyone else survive this pretty little natural disaster yesterday?

Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend...

2011-08-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday and Sunday, I had to work. Boooo.

The plus side? It ended up thunderstorming and raining like crazy allll day, so being inside wasn't such a bad thing. And since I am really only there on the weekend "just in case" an emergency might happen, I was able to get 150 pages into Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides. Anyone else read this book? I am about a third of the way finished, and I am really fascinated by it so far.

In exchange for my rainy weekend hours, I was able to take a day off. I took Friday off, which ended up being a smart choice--the weather was PERFECT. Mid-80's, breezy, and sunny. I decided to run some errands, then stop by the harbor for some shopping and general people-watching. Check out this view:

*Sigh*.

I love Baltimore.

Friday night, my roommate left for a 2-week trip to Europe (jealous!!!), so we celebrated with a bon voyage drink...or 4.

The rest of the weekend was spent with my boy toy. We had no set plans but ended up going to TEN BARS in 4 days (Thursday--Sunday). It was a lot fo fun--we tried out some places I had never been before.

***

This week, in addition to working full-time (which involves dealing with irate patients, leading group therapy, and doing treatment plans and other paperwork), I am prepping for my best friend's BACHELORETTE PARTY this coming Saturday! I am hosting it at my house since I am the Maid of Honor, and we will be playing games and having lots of food and beverages, and then going out on the town. Everyone will be crashing at my place. I am a little stressed about being a hostess, but mostly just super excited!

Any good Bachelorette party stories to share? Any wacky, zany party ideas are welcomed....minus male strippers. Bride's orders!

The 3 B's

2011-08-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in quite some time.

Things have been crazy.

Work is busy, life is busy, and this summer is flying by without fair warning.

I feel like I haven't had a chance to relax.

Until this past, weekend that is....

Booze, Boyfriend, Beach...

What more does a girl need?

take one, pass it along...

2011-07-12T06:19:00.000-07:00

*stolen from this lovely lady

Have a great week!

Happy July...5th?

2011-07-05T06:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, ok, so I'm a day late.

Maybe that's 'cause I was soakin' up the sun while kayaking, jetskiing, boating, tubing, drinking, swimming, and eating with this lovely (and slightly rowdy) group of friends:

Ahhh, what a lovely weekend it was.

Now, it's back to the daily grind.

Have a great week!

P.S. Here are a few photos from my birthday celebration, which included dinner at the harbor followed by drinks at the bar with my roomie:

Twenty-Three

2011-06-21T05:22:00.000-07:00

Today is my twenty-third birthday.

I can hardly believe it.

My wish for today?

To have my cake and eat it too...with zero guilt.

(I would also like a basket full of puppies...but that's optional I suppose.)

I think I did a pretty great job in my 22nd year:

-graduate college: CHECK.
-get a "real" job: CHECK.

-move into my own apartment: CHECK.

-find a decent boyfriend who treats me well: CHECK.

-buy some really cute shoes: TRIPLE CHECK.

My wish for my 23rd year?

To continue learning and growing and thriving.

Happy Summor Solstice, everyone.

It's OK...

2011-06-10T14:59:00.000-07:00

It's OK....

to have a bad day

to cry a little (...or a lot)

and to watch cartoons at the age of 22 (23 in less than 2 weeks!), while eating Lucky Charms straight out of the box...while also wearing frilly pink pajamas with teacups on them.

It's also ok...

to be wrong

and to admit you are wrong

OR

to be right

and to not apologize for being right

It's OK...

to say NO when you don't want to do something

even when you feel guilty

because you know you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

In fact, most of all, it's OK...

to have priorities

to stick to those priorities

and to make sure that no matter what, YOU are your own #1 priority!

******************

Happy Friday, all. I hope you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourselves.

Update on me:

1. It is HOT in Baltimore

2. I am currently on Day 5 of 11 straight days of work (Yes, I am working this weekend.)

3. I am trying to stay positive because next weekend I have a 3 day weekend!

4. My birthday (23, yikes! When did I get so adult?!) is in 11 days.

5. My boyfriend is amazing, and makes me happy each and every day.

6. I am having some family issues but I am dealing with them in the best way possible.

Happy weekend, everyone.

2 Flat Tires and a trip to the country

2011-05-30T12:28:00.001-07:00

This Memorial Day weekend has been action-packed!

Friday I got off work at 7pm and was immediately ready for some fun! The boyf, his roomies, and I headed to the square to grab some drinks. We ended up running into the boy's brother and his girlfriend, plus some other familiar faces. It was a fun time.

Saturday, I got together with my best friend, her sister, and our moms to see the movie BRIDESMAIDS. It was HILARIOUS. Yes, a bit raunchy at parts, but the actual message of the film was great and it was all-in-all amazingly funny. Plus, it was especially relevant to my life because the movie is through the point of view of a Maid of Honor--and I am my best friend's Maid of Honor for her upcoming September wedding!!!

However, something not so funny happened on my way TO the movie theater. I was almost there, turning left onto the road leading to the theater, when I bumped the car to avoid a car drifting into my lane. 2 seconds later I heard a "POP! POP!" and immediately, my 2 left tires went FLAT. And I mean completely flat. SO, I had to pull over and put on my caution lights, and we had to get the car towed.

4 new tires and 2 days later, my car is in my possession....and I am $300 poorer (my parents offered to pay half). Speaking of money, would anyone be interested in a budgeting post? I have started budgeting now that I am working full-time, paying bills, and investing, and I'd love to do a "beginner's budget" type of post.

After the movie, the ladies and I headed over to Don Pablo's Mexican restaurant for quesadillas and margaritas! It was much-needed after my car troubles. Then the boyf drove to the restaurant (about 30 mins from my apartment) to pick me up and crashed ladies' night--and everyone loved him! It's super important to me that my family and friends like whoever I'm dating, so I'm glad he got the seal of approval.

Then, yesterday and today, the boy and I went to Gettysburg, PA, for a romantic little excursion planned and paid for by yours truly. I must really like this guy to splurge on a hotel AND lunch AND dinner AND drinks! It was totally worth it though. He had never been to Gettysburg before, so we did the whole historic battlefield thing. And it was a gorgeous day for it.

Then we had lunch at O'Rorke's Pub & Eatery, which was a little slow but hit the spot after a day of walking around. Afterwards, we checked into the hotel, "took a nap" (wink wink), and then got all dolled up for dinner at The Dobbin House Springhouse Tavern. The Dobbin House is a landmark in Gettysburg and was built in 1776 and is full of history and character--it is truly awesome. In the Tavern, the stone is exposed, it is dark and cool with candles everywhere, and the servers wear civil-war-era garb. It really is an amazing place.

After that, we hit a couple of area bars, but it was pretty dead on a Sunday night. So, we headed to the hotel, cuddled in bed, and watched TV while sipping some Kenwood Pinot Noir, which is described on their website as follows:

Kenwood’s 2009 Russian River Reserve Pinot Noir is sourced entirely from our own estate vineyards located in the heart of Sonoma County’s Russian River Valley. This cool region is best known for growing delicate and flavorful Pinot Noir. Raspberry and cherry are predominate in the aroma followed by more subtle spicy notes of vanilla and cinnamon. Elegant mouthfeel with rich tannins and a long, rich finish.

Then this morning we checked out of our hotel, had breakfast #1 at the hotel (oatmeal for me, muffins for him), and breakfast #2 at the Ragged Edge Coffeehouse, which proudly serves all-organic fair-trade coffee and goods (I had an egg, veggie and hummus wrap and some organic black coffee; he had a sausage, egg, and cheese English muffin sandwich).

Then we drove home, I retrieved my beloved car from the parents' house, and now I am at home in Baltimore catching up on laundry, cleaning, and blogging!

What did you do this weekend?

Boyfriends and Cute Shoes

2011-05-25T04:54:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post to say that I officially have:

a.) a boyfriend (!!!)

&

b.) 2 new pairs of totally adorable shoes (Payless BOGO plus 20% off coupon = 2 pairs for under $30!)

AND this weekend is Memorial Day--3 days off, yay!

...Could life get any better?

*****************

What little things are making you smile today?

Sunshine & Words to Live By

2011-05-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Friends!

It's a gorgeous day in Baltimore.

(view from my office window)

*************

A few quick updates:

1. The job is busy & stressful but is going very well. I honestly can say I LOVE MY JOB, which I am SO grateful for because that isn't common these days.

2. My roommate and I have gotten very close and I am so glad my living situation worked out so incredibly well.

3. I have a new "Man Friend"--B is a piece of the past. I realized that I was making him out to be more perfect than he really was. I gave him a few more chances to prove himself to me, but he failed miserably. And you know what I say--on to the next one! (I'm kidding...sort of.) In all seriousness though, I met a guy who is really great, and I'm excited to see where things go.

4. This weekend I am returning to SU to officially "walk across the stage" and graduate--even though I already have my diploma and my degree! Still, I haven't been back there since March and it will be really wonderful to reconnect with old friends again.

5. My brother and his wife are expecting their first child! They are due November 1st. I can't wait to become an aunt :-)

*******************

Words to live by:

“Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.”—Mother Theresa

What Keeps Me Going at Work

2011-04-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

As you all probably know by now, I recently started a new full-time job as a Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Counselor at Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center. We are a 7-day-a-week clinic working with patients with severe opiate addictions. As you can imagine, most of my days end up being exhausting, fast-paced, and overwhelming. With my clientele, no two days are alike, and it can be an emotional roller coaster. However, I am thoroughly enjoying my position thus far, as most of the patients and staff I work with are truly extraordinary human beings. I leave work each day feeling like I have done something worthwhile, which makes me feel very lucky and blessed to have found such a great career so soon after college.

That being said, there are still many moments (and hours...and days...) where I am so stressed and frazzled I want to pull my hair out!

But there are a few things that have been keeping me going, even on the craziest of days......

America, and Coco, runs on Dunkin.

My workspace can get sort of cluttered, but at least I can sneak onto my blog reader from time to time...

...and I have some pretty (fake) flowers to brighten my days.

I try to wear cute outfits so I at least look good, even if I feel exhausted:

And my patients and I can all benefit from a little inspiration...

At the end of the day, before I head home, I always press this nifty little button...

...and then I have one of these:

(Ok, ok, so I wait until I get home for that last one, but still).

So there you have it. It's the little things (like staff meeting pizza parties or birthday luncheons) that get me through my hectic days.

Do you enjoy your job?

What gets you through your workdays?

Bootylicious Easter

2011-04-24T17:42:00.000-07:00

Thank you to the wonderful Jess for the Bootylicious award! :-)

Here are the rules for accepting the award:

1. Post this award with the picture and name whoever tagged you in it

2. Do the STUFF

3. Award to 7 others and tell them you did so!

THE STUFF:

1. Name 3 things that are lying right next to you

-high heels (for work tomorrow!)

-computer charger (yeah, i'm blogging from the floor...)

-cell phone

2. Name 2 foods you cannot live without

-oatmeal

-beer (yes, it is a food group in my mind)

3. Name 1 thing you did today

Went to Easter Mass, had a delightful Brunch with extended family, and then drove 5 hours back to Baltimore because I have to work at 7:30 tomorrow morning! (Oh, the joys of adulthood...)

7 lovely bloggers:

Hmmm...I can't decide...I want EVERYONE to do this one! :-) (Yeah I know, I'm taking the lame easy way out on this one)

Thanks Jess!

**********************

Anyway, sorry it's been FOREVER since I've updated you all. Life is busy busy busy...I started my new full-time job as a Drug & Alcohol Rehab Therapist, and let's just say it is not your ordinary desk job, that's for sure (although I do have a desk...and my own office!)

I am stressed and busy, but I promise I have still been reading your blogs. It's just hard for me to find time to post...promise I will soon though!

Yoga, I need you!

2011-04-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

I think I pulled a muscle in my back attempting to shave my legs in the shower.

Has it really been that long since I've done yoga? I thought to myself.

Um, yes... Yes, it has.

Good thing I bought a Groupon the other day for 5 yoga classes at a local studio for only $7!

I'll go. Really soon.

Like, as soon as my back heals...

and as soon as I'm done eating this cookie.

Happy Weekend!

City Life

2011-03-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your lovely responses on my last post! I really appreciate your kind words!!!

APARTMENT UPDATE:

So, I've been "moved in" to my apartment since Saturday! I've spent most of my time organizing/unpacking, exploring my neighborhood, and relaxing with Bailey the beagle and Amanda, my awesome roommate. We get along really well!

Yesterday, I took a visit to the Whole Foods by the Inner Harbor, and although it was depressingly expensive and I couldn't really afford anything, it was amazing. I also walked through Little Italy, and through my neighborhood to see which bars I'll probably be hitting up this weekend! ;-) It all still feels so surreal to me. It's only been a couple of days, so I guess that makes sense. But honestly, I love my new home, and I really think I will stay in Baltimore for awhile. I love it here. I am super close to my parents, but I am still far enough away that I can be completely independent. Also, I love the city! The water, the air, the sounds, the smells...all of it!

JOB UPDATE:

I just got a call from my boss today, and due to some issues with the HR department, I may not be starting my job until April 4th. I'm a little bummed, to be honest. My brother and my friends and roommate were like "oh that's so awesome, you'll have more time to just chill out and do whatever!", but I am ready to go! I need to make money to pay the bills, first of all. But I'm also genuinely excited to get started in my career. I'm sure once I start, I'll look back and realize how great it was to sit around doing nothing, though....

I am trying to keep myself busy with social plans, and also to keep myself accountable. I know I haven't really talked candidly about my eating disorder on here in awhile, mostly because things have been fairly stable. However, it is definitely true that moving out on your own makes it hard to stick to a meal plan, or at least a general schedule. I think it's hard for any person, but especially someone with my history. My roommate works nights, so dinners have been on my own. I stocked up on cheap/quick/easy to make foods that I also enjoy, like chicken breasts, lots of frozen and canned veggies, and rice or pasta dishes. So far, so good.

MAN UPDATE:

The man and I have a date tomorrow night! I offered to drive to him since he drove to me last time. Plus, he's a teacher and works early in the morning, so we can't stay out too late. I'm going to meet up with him at his house around 5:30 tomorrow evening, and then we're going to go out to dinner somewhere and then probably for a drink or two somewhere as well. I am so nervous every time I hang out with him because I honestly have never felt this intensely about a guy before. I want things to work out so badly, but I don't want to hold my expectations too high in case it doesn't work out. Can anyone relate? I know I should stop overanalyzing everything and just enjoy our time spent together, but it's hard not to wonder where it will end up going.

*************************

So, that's pretty much all for now. I am exhausted so I am going to head to bed!

What is your favorite city and why?

My "home" city of Baltimore is great, but of all the cities I've been to in the world, PARIS is my favorite. Hands down. No competition.

A Photo Tour of My New Home

2011-03-20T15:01:00.000-07:00

As promised, here are a few photos I snapped of my new townhome in Baltimore. I am renting from a girl named Amanda who is also my roommate. She is 24 and has a beagle named Bailey, whom I have inherited. I only just moved in, but I already feel right at home.

me in front of the front door!

living room

our awesome, spacious kitchen

my room--LOVING the exposed brick! that door also opens to a pretty large private balcony!

I get my own bathroom! It has a skylight!

Bailey, Amanda's doggie :-)

So, I have one week to settle into my new atmosphere and explore the city, especially the Canton neighborhood, before my full-time counseling position begins on March 28th! What a whirlwind my life has been! This is proof that hard work and patience and perseverance really do pay off, in recovery and in life. I have worked very hard to get where I am. A few weeks ago, I was afraid I'd be living at home forever and would never get a "real" job. Now, I am living independently and am about to start my career!

**********

Oh yeah, and things with The Man are going SUPER well. He drove more than an hour last night after he had worked all day, just to come see my new place in Baltimore and to hang out with me. He stayed the night, but it honestly was innocent (besides like, passionate making out haha). It was adorable. We talked and had a couple beers and stayed up til 4am. Then this morning, we woke up at 9 and laid in bed talking and cuddling for 2 more hours before we finally got out of bed and he headed home because he had to work.

I really like this guy. A lot. And I know I've said stuff like this before in the past, but it honestly feels different this time. This guy is older, so he's more mature, respectful, and intelligent than other guys I've dated. I really hope things work out between us because I think it could potentially be something wonderful.

Cross your fingers for me!

*********

I'm off to explore my new city! Have a wonderful Sunday and a great start to your week tomorrow...and HAPPY SPRING!

Apartment!

2011-03-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

I am officially a resident of Baltimore City!

So excited!!!!!!!

I am moving TODAY into my new townhouse in Canton!

Pics and details to follow.

Oh, and the man and I have been consistently talking and have a date tomorrow night :-)

He is pretty rad.

My life is pretty rad. I can't believe I have a job at Hopkins and that I am moving out on my own and that I have a wonderful new man!

My life is beginning. Finally!

From College Grad to Career Woman!

2011-03-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

Ladies & Gentleman, boys & girls, it's official!

I am a WORKING WOMAN!

After being a member of the college crowd, to a proud grad, to an unemployed mess, I am now finally transitioning into a working woman!

A "young professional", if you will.

I got a call TODAY from Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center in Baltimore, MD. I am going to be a Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Counselor in their Addiction Treatment Services Program.

This is a legit job with a salary and benefits like healthcare, paid vacation, and tuition reimbursement for graduate school!

I am officially a REAL person. My start date is in 2 weeks--Monday, March 28th!!!

I am beyond excited...and also nervous and scared. I have ZERO experience actually counseling people, let alone heroine addicts, so this is definitely going to be a learning experience. I am going to be responsible for a caseload of about 40 patients, and I will be conducting both individual and group therapy sessions. I am really excited though. This is a dream job for me because I am directly interacting with patients and making a positive impact, which is important to me.

*********

So, this job means I need to MOVE into an apartment in downtown Baltimore--pronto! Anyone have any recommendations? So far I have been scouring craigslist and have already found quite a few affordable places in the Fed Hill, Fells Point, and Canton.

I'm nervous to move into a new place--especially dealing with roommates and being on my own (aka NOT with my parents). Plus, I am going to have to deal with rent, utilities, food, social/extra costs, gas, insurance...I guess I really am an adult now.

***********

SOOOOO......

I went on date #2 with The Amazing Man on Sunday night. He is wonderful. We have been talking on the phone frequently. Sunday night, I met him in Gettysburg at his house, and then we went to dinner AND drinks. The date lasted 4.5 hours, and would have lasted longer if he had been able to stay out later (he works full-time as a permanent substitute teacher at a middle school so he had to cut the night short).

Tonight, we talked on the phone for an hour. He works all weekend as a waiter/bartender, but we may get together later in the week.

I really like this guy (or should I say MAN?! After all, he is 27!). He is sweet, kind, caring, intelligent, and hilariously funny. Our conversations flow and we have a lot in common while still bringing different opinions and perspectives to the table. I know it's only been 2 dates, but there is something about this man that is different from anything I've felt before.

I don't want to jinx anything, but I could totally see this being "the one". I never even used to believe in that romantic cheesy stuff, but now I'm not so sure. We "click" and everything is falling into place so well!!!

**********

Ok, well, I'm headed to bed, but I thought I'd share the news! :-)

Falling Into Place

2011-03-09T20:41:00.000-08:00

Hello, loves!

Sorry my last post was so...brief. And cryptic.

Basically, I met the most amazing man ever (we'll call him B) and we had a fantastic first date last Friday night. I met him in a very funny and random way--he was the bartender at my brother and sister-in-law's rehearsal dinner in Gettysburg! We talked for awhile there, and then saw each other at the bar the next night (I went out after the wedding), and then we became Facebook friends, exchanged some private messages, exchanged phone numbers, and finally last Friday our schedules coincided so we could meet!

He picked me up at my house (yes--he drove 50 minutes from Gettysburg to MD just to take me out hehe) around 6:45, and our date lasted until...midnight. And probably would've lasted longer but he had to work the next day. We talked, and talked, and talked, and drank, and ate, and talked, and drank, and talked some more.

And then kissed.

It was perfect. Sublime.

And guess what?!?! We have plans to see each other this weekend! We actually aren't going out until Sunday, which sounds kind of weird, but I am going out of town for a psychology conference in BOSTON (super pumped!!!) and don't get back until 11pm Saturday night. So, he said how about Sunday because he "definitely wants to see me again" and I said um YES PLEASE! hehe.

OH! And other things are falling into place as well.....

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!

Well, it's not official yet, exactly. I can't go into too much detail, but basically, I got hired by one of the TOP hospitals in the nation to work as a Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Counselor. I am beyond thrilled. Seriously, this is a dream come true. My mom and I have already started looking online at APARTMENTS in Baltimore (right now the commute is anywhere from 30 minutes to over an hour, depending on traffic). I can't believe things are falling into place so perfectly!

Anyway, cross your fingers that it all works out for me!

P.S. Has anyone been to Boston? Any ideas for places to go and things to see???

On Cloud Nine

2011-03-04T22:21:00.001-08:00

Best.

First Date.

EVER.

ABC Game

2011-02-28T14:13:00.000-08:00

It's Monday!

I am having a slow start to my week (although the weekend was great!), so I thought I'd copy Brandi and do the ABC game that's been floating around the blog world...

A. Age: 22 (23 in June!) yikes

B. Bed size: Queen.

C. Chore you hate: Scooping kitty litter/dog poo and scrubbing toilets. blech.

D. Dogs: Love them. I had a black lab named Hailey for 11 years until she sadly passed away in December 2009.

E. Essential start to your day: Coffee, coffee, and MORE COFFEE!

F. Favorite color: yellow and turqouise

G. Gold or silver: Silver usually. But I think Gold can be really, really classy.

H. Height: 5’6.5" (I am sooo exact haha)

I. Instruments you play: Flute, a bit of guitar, and singing.

J. Job title: Currently, I am a nanny for a family with 3 young children. I am currently interviewing for a more permanent, professional position in my field (Psychology).

K. Kids: Love them (see above job!)

L. Live: currently in Maryland, outside of Baltimore. Went to college in central Pennsylvania.

M. Mom’s name: Sandra.

N. Nicknames: Coco

O. Overnight hospital stays: one? I think?

P. Pet peeve: loud chewers. bad manners. foul language when it is not necessary.

Q. Quote from a movie: This one is difficult! I love to quote ridiculous funny movies like The 40 Year Old Virgin. I also love Breakfast at Tiffany's and pretty much know it by heart.

R. Right or left handed: Right.

S. Siblings: Brother, Ryan, age 25.

T. Time you wake up: Recently...late. woops!

U. Underwear: depends on my mood. thong, bikini, boy shorts, lace, cotton, satin...I own a LOT of undies!

V. Vegetables you dislike: Not a huge fan of cooked carrots, beets, and wax beans.

W. What makes you run late: sex. this is not a joke. sometimes it distracts you...haha

X. X-Rays you’ve had: ummm not sure about this one. teeth?

Y. Yummy food you make: baked goods, definitely. brownies, cookies, etc. I'm also not too bad at pasta!

Z. Zoo- favorite animal: Zebras, Giraffes, Elephants.

Hope this helped you learn a little more about me. If you feel like doing the ABC Game, feel free to link to your blog in the comments section and I'll check it out!

Have a great start to your week!

NEDA Awareness Week!

2011-02-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

So, I posted this all over my Facebook and told people in person, but for some reason I forgot to blog it.

February 20-26 is NEDA's Eating Disorders Awareness Week!

Here are a few great websites to tickle your fancy regarding this serious issue:

~Ways to get involved, provided by the Association for Anorexia Nervosa and Related Disorders

~Operation Beautiful is participating in NEDAwareness week with recovery-oriented notes and recovery stories

~"Beauty is NOT how skinny you can be!"....This is one of my all-time favorite videos that always cheers me up when I'm having a bad day.

~Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty is such a great resource for young girls

~Gurze Books is awesome--they feature books on every topic related to eating disorders, mental and physical health, and self-esteem. Check it out!

~Something Fishy is a wonderful online community dedicated to recovery. It is a great place to go for support and friendship.

Even if you do nothing else this week, try to be kind to yourself and to others. <3

7 Things I'm Loving Now

2011-02-17T13:01:00.000-08:00

1. Lace Wedding Gowns (but don't worry, I'm not engaged. Just have wedding fever!)

2. Boys who can cook! (Let's just say my last-minute impulsive Valentine's Date with a new boy, J, was a great success. Chicken parmesan and red wine, anyone?)

3. Yellow diamond rings (sigh...someday....)

4. This amazing SPRING WEATHER! (It's 65 degrees and sunny today!)

5. My incredible new sister-in-law:

6. Dark chocolate (check out this article about the great health benefits!)

7. This video (which actually kind of makes me sad that this woman is SO misinformed and confused! But it still makes me laugh...)

What are you loving lately?

Coco's Cinnamon Applesauce Muffins

2011-02-01T16:29:00.000-08:00

Here's a view of my backyard after the recent snowstorm a few days back:

Pretty, huh?

And as promised, here's a delightful muffin recipe. I adapted it from a few recipes online, using the ingredients I had in my kitchen.

Coco’s Cinnamon Applesauce Muffins

Ingredients:

· 1 ½ cups flour

· ¾ c sugar

· 1 ½ tsp baking powder

· generous sprinkle of ground cinnamon

· ½ c lactose-free milk

· 1/3 c canola oil

· 1 egg

· ½ c applesauce

· 1 handful chopped walnuts

Instructions:

· Pre-heat oven to 375

· Combine all ingredients in large bowl, stirring until moistened

· Spoon batter into muffin liners

· Bake for 20 minutes

· Makes 1 dozen muffins

Perfect for breakfast, or anytime a muffin craving might hit J

*Congratulations again to Molly, the winner of my giveaway! And thanks to all who entered. :-)

...drumroll please...

2011-02-01T06:56:00.000-08:00

...and the winner is........

*insert drumroll*.......

MOLLY!!!!

Molly, congrats! Please email me (csidlovsky@gmail.com) and I'll get you all set up with the internet code for your $35 gift from CSN!

Thanks to all who entered. :-)

****************

*On a random side note, check back soon for a post with a muffin recipe from yours truly ;-)

A Giveaway...because the best things in life are free.

2011-01-27T19:56:00.000-08:00

So, remember a few posts ago when I mentioned that I would be hosting a giveaway?

Well, silly me got busy with job interviewing and preparing for my brother's wedding that I totally forgot!

So, let's get to it. I am partnering once again with the fantastic people at CSN online stores. They are awesome and have agreed to give one of my readers a $35 gift card (!!!) to use at any one of their 200+ online stores. From swing sets to furniture to cookware to fitness equipment, they seriously have everything you could ever want or need.

So, how do you enter???

It's simple--just comment on this post and you will automatically be entered to win! I'll choose a winner (via a random number generator) on Sunday night at 8pm EST. So, comment away! And spread the word to your fellow bloggies by linking this post!

(P.S. Unfortunately, this giveaway is open to U.S. and Canadian residents only.)

Interview

2011-01-25T07:02:00.000-08:00

First things first:

This weekend was so much fun. I got to see my roomies again after more than a month apart. I caught up with old friends, drank some alcohol, and danced my little patootie off.

I also realized that I felt "normal" for the first time in awhile. As in, pizza for dinner, and shots of vodka, and not even worrying about the calories. It was great. My hangover on Sunday wasn't so great, but it was worth it.

So, tomorrow morning, I have a really big JOB INTERVIEW!

I don't want to disclose too much (you never know who might find you on the internet, know what I mean?), but basically, this job is in my field (Psychology), and it is a great opportunity. If I get hired, I will have a "real person" full-time job, and I'll be working in an area I have always been interested in. This really could be a dream come true for me.

I admit, I am super nervous. Like, insanely nervous. I know that's normal for big interviews, but I sometimes let my anxiety take hold more than I should. I am trying to keep up with my eating and I've been doing yoga to relax, but I am still freaking out!

Anyway, I'm off to try on my business suit for the umpteenth time, practice interviewing in front of the mirror, and doing a few cat-cow poses to help me relax.

(...And maybe eating some chocolate.)

Do you have any tips or advice for a professional interview?

alma mater

2011-01-21T07:28:00.001-08:00

This weekend, I will be making a trip to my alma mater to visit these lovely ladies:

There will surely be some of this....

...and probably a little of this....

...and perhaps a bit of this?!

I'm really excited to see my (ex)roomies. They make me so happy, and they are the kindest, truest friends I made in college. Kelly, the red head, will most likely be a bridesmaid in my wedding. (If I ever find a man and get married, that is!)

Speaking of weddings...

In two weeks, these two lovebirds will be married!:

...and I'll have a new SISTER-in-law!

Do you have sister- or brother-in-laws? Are you close with them?

Drowning my sorrows....(with a giveaway?!)

2011-01-15T17:41:00.000-08:00

...in cookies and a glass of wine.

The Ravens lost to the Steelers tonight :-(

Ok, ok, so I'm not even a HUGE football fan. But still, Baltimore is my city and the Ravens are my team. We had a shot as AFC champs and could've gone to the superbowl!

But now my Dad's team will advance (He's from Pittsburgh so he loves the Steelers. ew)

Who do you think will win tomorrow's game--the Patriots or the Jets?

I'm thinking Patriots will win even though I'm rooting for the Jets...

**********

That's all for now...stay tuned for a giveaway post in the near future. What better way to drown my sorrows in my team's loss than to make one of my readers a winner?!

There's SNOW Way

2011-01-12T12:39:00.000-08:00

There's *SNOW* way I am going outside right now!

Last night, we got a few inches of snow here, and it is chilly and windy and BRUTAL out there. Maybe this makes me lazy, but I just might have to skip Pilates tonight (my mom & I were going to try out a class at the YMCA), and cozy up on my couch with this little rascal:

...and some hot tea, and this book. I have been flying through it. I didn't expect it to be so good, but it really is! I highly recommend it!

Happy Snow Day!

What do you like to do when you're snowed in?

It's a Goal(d) Mine

2011-01-07T19:06:00.000-08:00

...Sorry for the cheesy post title. I guess my Dad's sense of humor is rubbing off on me since I moved back home:

In any case, let's get to it. As promised, I am going to show you my goals I had for 2010, and how I fared. Then, I will share my goals for 2011!

Ok, drumroll please........

Goals for Recovery and Life in 2010

1. Graduate from Susquehanna University in December 2010 with a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology (check!)

2. Get to a healthy weight for my body and maintain it (check!)

3. Add moderate exercise & activity to my schedule without abusing it (working on it…half check!)

4. Make peace with food and learn to eat intuitively (almost there…half check!)

5. Stand up for my beliefs and know how to say “no” when appropriate (still a battle)

6. Love and appreciate myself from the inside out, and to make my physical & mental health my main priority (still need to remind myself of this daily)

7. Enjoy friendships with others & participate in more spontaneous social activities (TRIPLE CHECK!)

8. Tell my family I love them each and every day (check check check!)

9. Take a trip to a place I’ve never been but have always wanted to go (visited Ryan in San Diego AND went to the Outer Banks, so I’d say this is a check!)

10. Continue to read and write for pleasure as often as possible (reading has been successful lately. Writing, not so much…)

11. Take at least 15 minutes every single day to do something to calm myself (light a candle & meditate, take a walk, paint my nails, yoga, etc)… (this needs to carry into 2011 for sure)

12. Develop a stronger sense of spirituality & a connection with a higher power (sadly, not a check.)

******************

2011 Goals

Personal:

· Remember: I am my #1 priority.

· Practice saying “No” when appropriate

· Accept myself as I am without trying to change

· Be confident in my intelligence, beauty, and ability as a human being whether I am in a relationship or not

· Set aside 15 minutes per day to do something completely calming for myself, like journaling, taking a bubble bath, or reading for pleasure

· Read at least 1 book per month (12 per year)

· Do something social at least once a week (drinks, lunch, coffee, etc.)

Fitness/Health:

· Maintain a healthy weight for my body & a positive relationship with food (food is fuel, & it is meant to be savored & enjoyed in moderation)

· Run a 5k or 10k for a good cause (TNT?)

· Breast Cancer Walk (Washington, D.C. in May?)

· NEDA walk (look into this)

· Yoga at least twice per week (Saturday 9am class w/ Mom, video podcasts/DVDs on my own)

· Wear sunscreen/moisturizer EVERY DAY!

Financial:

· Get a steady job, preferably in my field

· Put at least 20% of my paycheck each month towards an apartment fund

· Save $20 per month to put towards retirement/savings

· Give $10 per month to a charity (NEDA?)

· Learn to manage my money & budget (and time!)

· Move into my own apartment by January 2012

******************

So, there you have it. We'll see how many of those I can achieve. As you can see, some of them (like taking 15 minutes a day for myself or to be social once a week) are carried over from last year, but that's ok.

I know this is like beating a dead horse by now in the blog world, but:

What are some of your goals for 2011?

2011 is Upon Us

2011-01-02T12:40:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year!

***********

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas...

before Christmas Eve mass

new camera: Nikon Coolpix L110

me with "Santa" (aka my father) on Christmas Eve

cousins <3

more cousins <3

*********

...and a Rockin' New Year's Eve!

Marilyn Monroe shooters filled with tequila...let's just say it got a little crazy ;-)

parents <3

the best friend and her fiancee

my new boy came to visit :-)

************

As you can see, I had a lovely time with my family and friends this holiday season.

I hope you all did the same! I still can't believe it's already 2011...where has the time gone?!

I'll post later on my goals for 2011, as well as how I did on my goals from 2010...

The Nanny

2010-12-22T18:56:00.000-08:00

No, not that nanny!

This one:

(that's me in August with T and F, the cutest boys ever!)

Last night was my first night working at my new nannying job. I am watching three kids--twins (a boy & a girl) who are 5, and their little brother, who is 3. Last night, I just had to watch them for a few hours after dinner. But starting in January, I'll be nannying pretty consistently 3 or 4 days per week. The money is good, and it's a good interim position while I seek full-time employment.

After all, I am a college graduate now.

(Sorry. I just like saying that! :-P)

Anyway, the kids were pretty good. Bedtime is always a bit of a struggle, and the fact that the two boys share a bedroom adds an extra hassle, but I think I did a pretty swell job on my first day.

Case in point:

Other than that, my family is just gearing up for the holidays! My brother is home, which is awesome--I hadn't seen him since May! Tomorrow, his fiancee flies in--can't wait!

The next week is a whirlwind of family parties, catching up with friends, baking up a storm, and hopefully having a chance to just RELAX.

Do you get stressed around the holidays?

I find that it's often easy to get caught up in the preparations and the gift-wrapping and baking and making everything perfect, and I find myself forgetting the real reason for Christmas. I'm not super religious, but I do find myself to be a spiritual person, and I often have to force myself to stop and thank God, or whatever higher power is up there, for all of the wonderful blessings in my life. Christmas is not just about gifts and food and parties. It is about truly being present (pun sort of intended), and about savoring each and every moment with our loved ones.

I'm a Pro Girl Now

2010-12-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

I am currently blogging from my brand new.......

macbook pro! AAAHHHHH!!!!!

My family surprised me with it for my graduation. I am still in complete and utter shock.

My brother helped make it all possible with his military discount (sweeet!). I was NOT expecting this at all, and I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed.

So, I'd love to stay and chat, but I need to go play with my new toy now!

Where on Earth...

2010-12-14T13:14:00.001-08:00

...have I been!?!?

Well, as any college student knows, the last two weeks of the semester are always the most brutal. On top of all that, I have been trying to make sure everything is in order for me to GRADUATE! As of now, as long as I pass my classes this semester, I am all set.

I am in disbelief. I finally made it.

So, tonight was my final final (weird!), and I had a presentation as well. All I have left between me and college grad status is my research paper with my research group for psychology. We have been doing draft after draft after draft, and I think by tomorrow it will be complete!

So, I have realized lately just how truly amazing my friends are. I started out this semester totally nervous and unsure about what would happen. Most of my close friends had already graduated. My roommates were totally random. I thought I would just do my work, get it over with, and be ready to move on.

But now? Well, my roommates and some of the other people I've met this semester are some of the most positive influences in my life right now. They are level-headed, intelligent, caring, and fun. They listen when I need them to, and make me laugh when I need them to, and truly care about me.

I really got to see how much they truly care this past weekend. On Friday night, my roommate Kelly told me to take a shower and dress nice because we were going to her Rugby team's annual Holiday Party at a local restaurant. So, I got myself dolled up and a few of us hopped in the car. When we got to the restaurant, we walked into the back room, and all of a sudden I see my parents, my best friend Brooke from home, and about 20 of my college friends waiting for me.

"SURPRISE!!!" they all yelled.

I couldn't believe it. Kelly organized the entire thing. It was a surprise graduation party, complete with a sheet cake, gifts, and cards. And my parents and best friend were in on it! It was amazing. I have never ever in my life had a surprise party before, so it was awesome.

the whole crew

roomies <3

Tonight, my roommates and a few of our close friends (all of whom I met this semester but feel incredibly close and connected to) exchanged Christmas gifts. Kelly gave me Clarissa Explains It All Season 1 on DVD (please tell me I'm not the only one who used to LOVE this show growing up!), and then she made me a scrapbook of photos of this semester, from the beginning of the year, to Halloween, to now. It had inspiring quotes and stickers and was just amazing. I cried.

Now, as I am gearing up to leave Susquehanna University for the last time as an enrolled undergraduate student, I am terrified. Nostalgic. Sad. Uncertain. Proud. Relieved. Anxious. Excited. So many emotions, both positive and negative, are flowing through me right now and I don't even know how to begin to process them.

All I know is this: things are going to change. My life is about to change in an incredibly substantial way, and my future is a blank page. But, I know that it will be ok. It's going to work out. And I know for a fact that the friendships I've built this semester will last, because these people truly care about me and I truly care about them. It's going to be difficult not waking up and walking into the kitchen to sip coffee together and rehash our crazy shenanigans, or to walk to class together in the pouring rain, or to randomly decide to down a bottle of wine on a Tuesday night and color pictures of Disney Princesses to tape all over the walls (yes, that really happened).

But even though I'll be farther away doesn't mean I can't visit. And you know what? I'm 22 years old. It's time for change. It's time for real life to begin. I might not be 100% ready, but I am willing to try. I am going to make the best of each and every day.

Look out world, here comes Coco!

Are you chicken?

2010-12-01T08:48:00.000-08:00

It's the first day of December (and my roommate's 21st birthday!!!), and it is 60 degrees and rainy outside with a thunderstorm warning.

What is wrong with this picture....?!?!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Thanksgiving ended up going quite differently than planned, but that's ok--I have been learning to really go with the flow and take things as they come. Yoga & meditation techniques have helped me with this, along with journaling. I highly recommend yoga. It is WAY more than just an exercise for your body--it can truly transform your mind and outlook, and is the best stress reliever!

Anyway, on Thanksgiving morning, my dad woke up with a terrible cough, a fever, and just feeling really sick. So, rather than travel 4.5 hours to Pittsburgh, my parents and I decided to stay at home.

Mom & I went to the grocery store and bought a yummy but nontraditional meal--roast chicken instead of turkey! Hey, who says you have to have turkey for Thanksgiving?!?!

We did buy more traditional side dishes: stuffing, potatoes (which my mom used to make her homemade mashed potatoes), cranberry sauce, and lemon meringue pie. We also had asparagus on the side, and a homemade chocolate cake along with the pie. It was randomly thrown together, but considering Dad was sick and it was mostly just Mom & I eating, it wasn't so bad. Plus, it was kind of nice having a quiet meal without the stress of relatives.

I also had my very first Black Friday shopping experience! I woke up at 3:30 am and my Mom & I hit up Best Buy. We arrived at 4:15 am, and the parking lot was already full. There was a line of customers wrapping around and behind the building! The store didn't even open until 5am! We managed to get 2 nooks (the Barnes & Noble digital reader) for $99 each! After Best Buy, we headed to the mall to score some more deals.

The rest of my Thanksgiving weekend was spent relaxing and decorating for the upcoming holiday season. I also have been absolutely addicted to online holiday shopping--I got some amazing deals during Cyber Monday!

Now, it's back to reality--my final 2 weeks before I become an official college graduate!!! I have a LOT of schoolwork to do in the next 2 weeks, including group projects, papers, and exams. However, I know I can do it. I also have been working at the coffeehouse like crazy to make as much money as I can before I leave! Last night, I worked until midnight! There was a jazz band performing and they were really good, so it made the night a bit more interesting.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So, seeing as it's December, I wanted to ask: what is your favorite holiday tradition?

Mine is my family's Christmas Eve party. My extended family will be spending Christmas Eve at our house, where we have food, drinks, a gift exchange, and escargot (my mother is French)! It's always nice to catch up with my cousins, aunts, and uncles.

I am also excited to see my older brother, whom I haven't seen since May!!! That's 7 long months!!! He and his fiance will be visiting for Christmas, and I couldn't be happier.

Thanksgiving--a day or a lifestyle?

2010-11-24T21:52:00.000-08:00

(Thanksgiving 2009)

I was driving home for Thanksgiving Break last night, and I passed a church with this slogan on its sign:

"Thanksgiving is not just a day, but a way of life."

Although I don't consider myself very religious, that quote resonated with me as I drove by that little country church.

On Thanksgiving, Americans stop to think about what they are thankful for--family, friends, health, money, career, contentment, or whatever it may be. Don't get me wrong, I think Thanksgiving is the perfect opportunity to reflect on our lives and rediscover what we are grateful for in this world.

But why just this one specified day of the year? Why not every day?

This Thanksgiving, I certainly am reflective on my past, especially at how far I've come in the last 2 years. Last year at this time, I was absolutely dreading Thanksgiving--the food, the stress, the weight gain. Last year, I wasn't attending college and wasn't sure if I would ever return.

This year? I won't lie and say I'm not anxious or stressed. After all, my family isn't always tactful when it comes to comments about weight and diet. And the fact that in 8 hours, I will be stuck in a car for 4 hours (we are travelling to my grandparents' house this year in Pittsburgh) and then I'll be eating immediately afterwards, and then sitting around some more, isn't exactly making me jump for joy.

However, I'm not worried about it. Food will be enjoyed, wine will be consumed, laughter will be heard, conversation will be had, and my heart will be filled with joy.

This year, I am literally less than one month away from being a college graduate.

This year, I am at a healthy weight. I have had consistent menstrual periods for 3 months straight. I exercise lightly when--and only when--I want to, not because I feel the "need" to. I indulge in the foods I love, because I know that as long as my diet is mostly balanced, I will be just fine.

So, join me, friends. This year, let's make a vow to be mindful of our blessings every day, not just on Thanksgiving.

May you all have a healthy, happy, delicious holiday.

I'd Like to Have an InFORMAL Discussion

2010-11-17T13:52:00.000-08:00

Ok, So I'm still working on what I hope will be an epic and even controversial post about "health" and what it means to me, as well as what I've noticed in the media and in the blogging community.

But for now, as the oh-so-clever title of my post suggests, I would like to have an inFORMAL discussion.

Meaning what, you may ask?

Welllll, nothing really. I just wanted an excuse to post my purrrty pictures from the FORMAL DANCE I attended this past Saturday evening! My roommate, Kelly, is on our school's Women's Rugby team (sweet, right?! GIRL POWER!), and the Men's & Women's teams had a formal dance on Saturday night to celebrate the end of the season. Clearly, Kelly brought ME as her "date" ;-)

It was at Peking Gardens, a local Chinese Restaurant, and food, liquor, and transportation was provided--score! I had a heaping plate of fried noodles, orange chicken, broccoli, rice, and an eggroll, as you will see in a few of the following (incredibly flattering--insert sarcasm here) photos. There was dinner, dancing, a DJ, and fun times all around.

Here are some highlights:

My "date", Kelly, and I

I won't lie: I felt sexy in my classic black dress and heels :-)

I spent my night dancing with a man I will call A (pictured above). He works with me at the coffee shop and was actually another girl's "guest" for the evening (they are just friends). We ended up dancing and talking the entire night. It must have gone well because he and I have made plans to hang out tomorrow evening! :-)

Oh yeah, and I can't forget my two favorite photos of the evening.

drumroll, please.......

..............

......................

................................

.....and there you have it, ladies and gents. Proof that ED recovery is most clearly worth it.

A year or two ago, I wouldn't have even come near such greasy, "fatty", "unhealthy" foods.

But now?

.............

Well, the pictures say it all. <3>

Make-up Free Tuesday

2010-11-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

So, as you can see from my previous post over the weekend, Friday night was incredibly fun.

*******

Saturday night, although it ended up being fun in its own way, was completely different than expected.

As I mentioned in my last post, Saturday night B & I were planning on doing a "couples" costume.

My clues were: polka dots, sweater vests, and sneakers.
So, what were we?

Doug Funnie & Patty Mayonnaise!
(from the Nickelodeon series that was on TV in the early 1990's)

Originals:

Our version:

So, basically what ended up happening this weekend is this: "Doug" was acting really weird towards me. The entire "couples" costume concept was his idea, and we even went out and bought materials on Friday afternoon. But once Saturday came around, B was acting very cold and indifferent towards me. We didn't even meet up until around 11:30 Saturday night, and he decided to go home and go to bed instead of go out with me and my friends.

So, Patty Mayo hit the town on her own! Surprisingly, quite a few people actually recognized my character, even without Doug present. I ended up dancing with a guy I had hooked up with in the past, and we ended up going home together. We also hung out Sunday night too.

I haven't even spoken to B since Saturday night. His texts were short and rude, and he has made no effort to contact me or see me. His facebook makes it appear as if he and the ex-girlfriend are getting "friendly" again.

So, I am a little disappointed. But surprisingly, I am not as devastated as I thought I'd be. I've really learned in the past few months how to be a completely independent person. I don't need a man to make me feel good about myself. And you know what? It's B's loss. There are guys interested in me, and someday I'll find one who is worth my time and attention. There is no need for me to become emotionally invested in someone who doesn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

In other news, this week is LOVE YOUR BODY WEEK 2010 at my college. And to think that it all came from a presentation I made in class! Now, my Women's Studies class, along with a few organizations on campus, have put together an entire week of events.

Today is MAKE-UP FREE TUESDAY. And I'm rockin' it:

To be honest, I don't usually wear much make-up anyway, so this wasn't too hard. On a typical day, mascara and lip gloss are all I wear.

Do you wear make-up daily?
What make-up essentials can you not live without?

Party Like Dr. Seuss

2010-10-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

Hello, lovelies!

As this is my last Halloween weekend of my college career, I have decided to go ALL OUT.

Last night, my friend and I were Dr. Seuss' Thing 1 & Thing 2.

The originals:

Our "cuter" version (I'm Thing 1):

...and here's a couple more pics, just 'cause I was rockin' my new bootay ;-)

We danced, we drank (way too much), we ate, we flirted, we danced some more, and we had the best time ever.

It was worth every hungover second. Went to bed at 5:30 am, got up at 1:00pm. Ate lunch at 2:00pm. I feel like such a lazy college kid...and i love it.

Going out again tonight. This time, the new boy interest and I are doing a "couples" costume. I'll post photos tomorrow, but I'm not telling what we are dressing as.

Here are 3 clues:

1. Polka dots
2. Sweater vests
3. Sneakers

Can you guess what "couple" B & I are going to be tonight???

My 100th Post!

2010-10-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

It's my 100th Post!!!

I started Hot Coco(a) in the summer of 2009 after being inspired by Eating Disorder Recovery blogs as well as Healthy Living blogs. I wanted to share my own experiences in recovery, and admittedly, I really just needed a place to express my feelings when I was struggling.

In the past year and a half, I have come a looong way. Am I "recovered"? Not exactly. But am I in a stable and solid place in my recovery? Absolutely.

In fact, I am thinking of perhaps shifting the focus of my blog a bit. Instead of talking about eating disorders all the time, and the troubles anorexia has brought to my life, I want to make this blog have a more general, positive focus. Although I don't consider myself completely recovered, I feel like my eating disorder is no longer my "identity". Thus, I want this blog to be more about me and my life, rather than about my anorexia. Is my eating disorder a part of me? Yes, I think it still is, in both positive and negative ways. My experience has given me so much wisdom and appreciation for what my body can do. And yes, I still have my slip-ups and rough patches. But I am finally at a healthy weight (which I have been able to maintain while still living independently at college, getting decent grades, and working part-time!), and I finally have positive people and activities in my life that have nothing to do with my eating-disordered self.

Maybe ED still lurks in the background and rears his ugly head from time to time, but I am now strong enough and confident enough to tame that beast and go on with my day--and my life.

So, from now on, my posts will be more about my life. Yes, they will involve food, as food has (amazingly!) become a source of enjoyment and fun in my life. But the blog will also focus on the next phase of my life as I graduate from college and make my way into the real world.

**************

So, to wrap up this epic 100th post, I leave you with some photos. The first set is of me in the spring of 2009, when I was still in the throes of my eating disorder and started this blog:

******************

And the second is a series of photos of me NOW. I literally took these last night. I am proud of my new body and I want to show you that
recovery is possible, and life is beautiful!

I hope you follow me on the next leg of journey, and I thank you for your support thus far.

Recovery Means...

2010-10-19T10:11:00.001-07:00

Recovery Means...

Suggesting that your parents take you out to dinner on a random Monday night...and actually looking forward to it

Baking muffins, cookies, and zucchini bread for your friends and family...and actually partaking in the eating of said baked goods.

...and licking the batter during the baking process of said items...

...and perhaps eating a cookie fresh out of the oven for the simple reason that it smells delicious, looks delicious, and you must taste-test your baked goods before feeding them to your loved ones, right?

.... Right!!!

Recovery means...

Buying new (larger) jeans, and looking at yourself in the mirror in the dressing room with admiration of your round booty and toned legs, without a hint of disgust.

Coming home and purging all of those old "sick" clothes from your closet...and feeling oddly satisfied about it.

Ordering a martini at dinner and having an extra piece of bread from the bread basket, simply because you feel like it.

Stepping out of the shower and meeting eyes with yourself in the mirror.

Recovery means...

Socializing with friends, even when it doesn't fit your "plan" for the day...like when someone calls you at the last minute wanting to meet for coffee...

...and you order a slice of fresh-baked banana bread with your coffee, simply because you want it.

...even if you've already had your "snack" that day.

These are just a few of the things recovery has slowly given me.

What does recovery mean for you?

Sexual Assault: It is NEVER Your Fault!

2010-10-12T09:37:00.001-07:00

I want to discuss something really important in this post.

This weekend, I had a very scary experience involving unwanted sexual contact. I wasn't raped, but I was sexually assaulted. I don't want to go into details because it's upsetting, but basically I was physically and verbally abused by a guy whom I had previously considered an acquaintance, and even a friend. Don't worry--it wasn't the new boy, B, or anyone I have ever previously posted about. However, this was a guy who I have known for awhile, who I trusted, and who I have class with this semester.

I just want to inform you all about sexual assault, and give you some resources. I know that my initial reaction after this incident on Saturday was to feel incredibly dirty, disgusting, and guilty. The man who assaulted me not only put me in physical danger, but he also verbally assaulted me, calling me a bitch and several other offensive names. Yes, he was incredibly drunk (and for the record, I was NOT drunk--I had had one alcoholic beverage but was by no means intoxicated), but alcohol is still NO EXCUSE for his actions.

In fact, even if you have been sexually, verbally, or physically abused or assaulted and you were drunk, it is still NOT okay. Sex without consent is rape. Unwanted or forced sexual contact of any kind, even touching or kissing, is still considered assault if consent is not freely given.

Please, I urge you, if you have had an experience with sexual assault or rape or abuse of ANY KIND, please do not be afraid to seek help. Tell someone. It can be a teacher, friend, relative, or authority figure. Just make sure it is someone you trust.

And please, do not be ashamed. The past couple of days have been rough for me. I feel like I somehow brought this upon myself, or to consider the fact that maybe I was "asking for it". But you know what? There is NEVER an excuse for assault of any kind.

My best friend wants me to report the incident. I'm not sure what to do. Here I am, telling you all to seek help, and I have (so far) kept silent, at least as far as police or campus authority involvement. I think I am hesitant because of how small my campus is. I had class this morning with the guy who did this to me, and it was painful. Someone I had previously trusted and thought highly of is now someone I am afraid to associate with or even go near. It isn't right.

Anyway, here are just a few of the many, many resources out there regarding this issue:

PAVE: Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment

RAINN: Rabe, Abuse, & Incest, National Network

NSVRC: National Sexual Violence Resource Center

***************
On a random positive note, I promised you photos. So, here's a photo of me, my friend Kim, and the new sweet guy B at the bar a couple weeks ago:

B has been really awesome. We're not "dating" exactly, but we have been spending time together talking and hanging out, and we have kissed. He is incredibly sweet and respects women, which is something we all deserve in a man, don't you think?

Hopefully my next post will be more positive. Until then, my bloggie friends! ........

"I Need to Be Honest With You..."

2010-10-07T10:50:00.000-07:00

Those were the words D nervously said to me when we finally talked about everything on the phone earlier this week. I had been brainstorming with my roommates about the best possible way to let him down without being a complete bitch, and it turns out I never got the chance.

Our conversation went a little something like this:

D: I need to be honest with you about something...

Coco: Ok. Go ahead.

D: Well, I saw my ex-girlfriend last night, and it brought back a lot of emotions.

*silence*

Coco: Ok...

D: And, well, she and I have decided to give it another shot and try to make things work. So, well, I just don't think I'm going to be able to pursue anything with you while I'm focused on that.

Coco: *giggles* Ok, then. Well, good luck with all that.

D: Are you ok? Are you upset?

Coco: No, this is great! I'm so happy for you!

...and then we small-talked awkwardly. Haven't spoken to him since.

Isn't that weird?! I swear, this guy has some legitimate emotional issues. One day he is literally obsessed with me, and the next he's back with the "love of his life"?! Phew, it's exhausting. Oh well--he can have her!

Anyway.....

Tuesday night I skipped night class so I could drive home and go to the So You Think You Can Dance Season 7 Live Tour in Baltimore! It was amazing! My mom & I went for drinks & appetizers at a swanky bar before the show--my treat! I'm such a good daughter, hehe. Then I slept in my own bed before driving back to SU yesterday.

Tonight, I'm working at the coffeehouse. One guy I think is adorably sexy is performing at open mic night, so that will be fun. Also, B (the new football player/artist boy interest) said he might visit me.

Speaking of B, tomorrow he invited me over to watch a movie and split a bottle of wine with him. I am SO excited. He is such a sweet guy, and I think it will be a lot of fun. I'm interested in him, and he seems interested in me as well, but we're both also really chill and laid-back and relaxed, and we're not looking for anything too serious. So, hopefully it'll be a good time.

So, that's my update. I'll blog again after the weekend. Other than hanging with B and working Saturday night, I don't have any solid plans--but I'm sure I'll manage to get into something exciting ;-)

Question: What are you up to this weekend???

The Weirdest Semester of My College Career

2010-10-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin with this post.

This has easily been the weirdest, most exciting/random/exhilarating/scary/FUN semester of my entire college career.

So, first things first: let me update you on my date last Monday. D arrived a little late due to lots of rain & traffic, but he got here around 6pm. We walked into town for a nice dinner, which he bought. We had good conversation, and I felt an attraction to him. The major turnoff physically was his height, but I'm not a mega-bitch and it really didn't bother me that much.

So, after dinner, we came back to my place and just hung out and watched a movie and chatted, which was nice. Then we started making out....and then somehow all of my clothes were off. Um, oops. I honestly did NOT want to do that! But I guess I was living in the moment. Anyway, he ended up staying the night and leaving early in the morning before my 10am class. It was a really nice time, and he seemed like a really sweet guy. Basically, we agreed to just kinda see what happens and maybe hang out again when we're both available. But since he goes to school 3 hours away, and I am graduating soon, we talked about how a big commitment just isn't in the cards right now.

So, I thought things were good. Then, almost as soon as he left, D texted me. And then he texted me again. And again. And again. Basically, this guy is INTENSE. He literally has texted/called me/IMed me NONSTOP in the past week since our date. At first I thought it was cute to get messages about how beautiful and awesome I am, but it is really starting to freak me out. He tells me how much he misses me, but we've only hung out ONCE. And he got jealous when I told him I was STUDYING with my friend Adam for a test. Like, seriously?! If he's this possessive and clingy when we're NOT EVEN DATING, what would he be like in a relationship???

So, 2 nights ago, I had a serious chat with D on the phone. Basically, he is really into me and wants to "make this work". But, I feel like I don't want to commit to someone I hardly know. He already is talking about visiting me again next week, and he wants to see me over Thanksgiving Break. I just feel smothered. He is a nice guy, and attractive, and smart, and funny, but I can't take this constant communication. In fact, he literally just sent me a message right this second.

Someone PLEASE give me advice. ASAP. I don't know what to do.
I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I don't necessarily want to completely kick him to the curb, either. I had a lot of fun on our date, and he seemed like such a cool guy. But his behavior in the last week has really freaked me out, and he doesn't seem to understand my position.

HELP!

**************************

So, last night was another interesting evening, but in a much more positive way! I went to a Breast Cancer Awareness event held by ZTA called "Real Men Wear Pink", which was entertaining and fun. Then I went out to a party and to the bar with some friends, including my roommate Kelly, who I've grown incredibly close with. She is the only roomie I've told about my ED, and I really feel like I can trust her.

So, there was this guy I'll call B who I ended up meeting up with last night. We met last weekend, and he is the sweetest boy ever! He plays football for our school, but he isn't your cliche "meathead" jock. He's an art major and he is really intelligent and funny and interesting. Lookswise, he's not the hottest man alive, but his personality MORE than makes up for it. And he is pretty cute. So, last night we went to the bar together and he bought me a drink and we talked. Then, I went back to his place with him to hang out and talk and watch a movie. He showed me his art (which was incredibly impressive!) and then we just cuddled a little and he gave me a little peck on the lips and I fell asleep there!

Nothing sexual happened...and it was perfect. Seriously. He was a really nice guy with a good heart, and I hope I see him again.

I still am not looking for anything serious right now, but I'm sick of random hookups all the time. I'm sick of guys texting me at 3am asking me to come over. I don't want to be that girl. I'm ashamed that I even let myself become that girl for one guy, let alone 2 or 3. As of now, I need to make my boundaries clear. And this B guy seems to really respect women. He is close friends with one of my close friends, and she has told me how sweet he is.

So, today he texted me to say hi. We'll see what happens. As long as he doesn't go psycho on me like D, perhaps I'd rather hang with this guy instead. Or both? haha.

Anyway, people, give me advice. I need the male and female perspectives here:
What's the deal with D--is he really just a nice guy who doesn't realize how smothering he is being, or does he seem like a creeper who would only be possessive and overbearing in a relationship?

(Oh, I also had a huge test last week, 2 essays, and I have another test this week....So, it's not ALL fun and games my last semester of college :-P)

Date Night

2010-09-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

Happy (rainy) Monday, folks!

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend. Here in Pennsylvania it was HOT HOT HOT Friday and Saturday, and then yesterday it coooooled off. Today, it's cool and rainy and oh-so-very-autumn outside.

So, what have I been up to?

Well, this weekend was pretty typical, but I really took my feelings and thoughts about last weekend to heart. I still went out and drank and had a great time with my friends, but I paced myself this time and didn't put myself in compromising situations. For example, Friday night at the bar, this guy asked if I wanted to "get out of here", which I knew was code for "get in your pants". So, I declined and went home--by myself. I need to learn to be firm and say NO. And to get the message across that NO MEANS NO.

Saturday, there was a festival in town that I attended with my friend. We walked around and observed the people, food, and festivities. It totally got me in the mood for fall!

Then, since 2 of my roommates went home for the weekend, K and I were by ourselves. We really bonded. We went shopping, ate all our meals together, and she died my hair a shade of light brown called "amber shimmer", which has a nice hint of red. Perfect for fall, and I really love it! K is a natural redhead, so I think she wanted me to be like her....

...see what I mean?!

Then Saturday night, I attended a Surprise 21st Birthday Party for a friend of mine. It was adorable. Then I went to a party and to the bar. The night was definitely interesting and fun-filled in terms of male interactions and experiencing my roommate drunk for the first time ever, but I managed to be home and in bed by 2:30. I was safe, didn't drink too much, and felt totally fine the next day. Now, the roomie is another story....haha. She ended up getting sick so I had to take care of her. But I don't judge--I know she would easily do the same for me.

So, why the title of my post?

Well, friends, I have a DATE tonight. A real, official date! I am SO incredibly nervous and excited. It's kind of a random situation. Basically, there is this guy (whom I will call D for privacy's sake) that I graduated with in high school. We were never really in the same crowd (he was a band geek, I was in theatre), but we were acquainted and had a few classes together over those 4 years. Well, recently we have "reconnected" on Facebook. It sounds silly, but it's the truth. We started chatting online, then texting, then talking on the phone. He is a student at a college in West Virginia that is about 2.5 hours from my school in PA. So, he offered to drive up this afternoon so we can catch up in person and see how things go. So far, things have been pretty flirtatious, but it's really rather hard to make an assessment about where things might go without an actual live date! So, he is going to arrive around 5pm. I plan to show him around campus and then we will walk into town for a nice dinner and maybe some drinks. It's a shame that it's raining, but oh well.

So, wish me luck with D! I am super nervous, mostly because I haven't really been on an official "date" with someone in a very long time. And I actually feel like there could be something between us, so it makes me anxious and hoping I make a good impression. I have no idea what to wear!

I'll be sure to recap very soon.

Wish me luck, and send me some confidence--I am shakin' in my boots here!

Any good conversation topics for first dates???

Only Tuesday

2010-09-21T14:24:00.000-07:00

How can it be only Tuesday?! Last week flew by, and this one is barely crawling. Does anyone else feel this way?

I would be more excited about the GLEE! Premiere tonight if I didn't have night class. Therefore, I'm going to have to catch up online later tonight or tomorrow--so don't spoil it for me, fellow Gleeks!

Anyway, thanks for your support on my last post! It was definitely an emotional weekend when I stopped to look back on this past year and the troubles I've faced, but I still managed to have a good time.

In fact, I am beginning to think maybe I'm having too much fun this last semester of college. I know I'm making up for lost time and all that, and I know I'm 22 and this is my last chance to party before joining the "real world", but I can't help but question myself. I like to have fun and be social and go out and get a little tipsy and dance and flirt and even kiss a few lucky men, but the past couple weeks have been out of control.

This past Saturday, I was up until the sun came up. It was 6am on Sunday when I finally fell asleep--in someone else's bed. I know that sounds totally slutty of me, and well, it kind of is. Which is why I am really starting to think twice about my alcohol consumption on the weekends. Just because people justify binge drinking and doing drugs and having sex with multiple partners by saying "Oh, it's just college", or "I'm young, now's the time to do that", it still doesn't make it healthy. I woke up Sunday morning--ok, more like afternoon--feeling sick to my stomach and emotionally distraught as well. This is the 4th time I have hooked up with this one particular guy, and I know that he is basically using me for sex. We were both very very intoxicated when things occurred this weekend. And although I sometimes hang out with him sober (he even came to visit me at work on Sunday) and he is a nice guy, I really don't want to get emotionally involved with someone who is willing to take advantage of me like that. I mean, I take full responsibility for my actions, and he was just as drunk as I was, if not worse, but still. Our relationship, if it can even be called that, is so confusing. It's a pattern of hook-up on the weekends, maybe talk sporadically during the week, and act like friends when we are sober. But then when we're at a party together and he holds my hand and walks me home and kisses me and then wants me to spend the night so we can cuddle, it makes things so much more confusing. I keep telling myself that I don't have feelings for him and that I'm totally cool with this casual "friends with benefits" relationship. But I know deep down that I'm not okay with it. I deserve to be respected, as a friend and as a woman.

So, I'm not sure what this even means, or why I posted about such a personal topic (my sex life--yikes!) on this blog. However, saying it out loud (or technically, "typing" it out loud) makes it real. I need to think through the consequences of my actions, both physical and emotional, before I go through with something. Hopefully next weekend I will have fun but still manage to remain respectful of myself.

What are your opinions on college partying? Is it normal and acceptable and something everyone should experience, or do you think destructive behaviors are a dangerous epidemic among college students?

I fall somewhere in between. I see no problem with enjoying your youth and having fun, but I also think that too much drinking, sex, smoking, etc, can be incredibly detrimental to your physical--and mental--health.

A Year Ago Today

2010-09-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the big "day" I'm referring to in my post is actually tomorrow, but I felt like posting about it today. So, here we go...

A year ago today...

I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life
I finally reached out for help--and accepted it with humility
I checked myself into the hospital by my own accord and no one else's
I cried more than I have ever cried in a single day in my life
I also ate more in a single day than I had in a very long time
I was told I might not make it through the night because my blood sugar and heart rate were so low
I watched my parents walk away, and wondered when I would see them again
I met some amazing girls, men, and women who I will never, EVER forget
I gave up my education, relationships, and everything else so that I could finally get better
I tried to stay strong and follow all the rules
I felt disgusting and huge and worthless and didn't care if I died overnight
But then I thought about my family, and my friends, and about my future children, and I knew I needed to bite the bullet and recover

Since then...

I have made many gains, both in my weight and in my mind
I have also "slipped up" more times than I can count
I have felt ashamed, alone, and disgusted with myself
But I also have felt loved, beautiful, and happy
I have lost and gained and lost and gained
I have gone from inpatient to IOP to outpatient
I have gone from no school to living at home and commuting, to finally living on my own again

A year from now...

I don't know where I'll be...and for once, I'm ok with that
I know that the road is going to have many bumps and that the mountains I will climb will be unbearable
But I also know that the view from the top is worth it, and I refuse to give up
Maybe I'll be living at home again, and maybe I'll be in my own place
But what I do know is that, a year from now...
I will be living. Not existing, or barely scraping by. Living.

* p.s. my grandfather has been released from the hospital and is now home and recovering wonderfully. thank goodness. *

With the Good Also Comes the Bad

2010-09-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hello, friends. Happy Monday!
I hope everyone had a relaxing, fulfilling weekend.

My life has been crazy lately. I am getting back into the school/work/homework/sleep routine, and it's been difficult at times, but I am managing. I already have a lot of quizzes, projects, meetings, and reading, but I am making sure to take time each day to read for pleasure, or take a walk, or do a few restorative yoga poses. It is definitely worth it to carve out 15 minutes of "me" time each day--I feel so much better, and am more productive overall!

So, the title of my post basically sums up my situation right now.

Some positives in my life recently are:

1. A great roommate situation. The girls in my apartment are fantastic, and we have really grown close.

2. A crazy social life! I feel like I am really having fun here. I have made girl friends and guy friends, and I have been letting loose on the weekends and allowing myself to drink and snack without feeling any guilt whatsoever. This is a huge deal for me. For example, last Thursday, I was getting ready to go to bed around 9:30pm when my friends invited me to the bar for drinks. Ordinarily, this would freak me out because it is sporadic and unplanned. However, I was actually pleased and excited to be invited out, and I ended up going and having a wild and crazy time. Ok, so maybe I regretted the tequila shot and 3 beers the next day because of my headache, but I did not berate myself about it. And I didn't once worry about the calories. This is amazing to me. I am so proud of myself.

3. I got to see my mom, cat, and best friend this Friday. I went home because my mom was having a party, and it was nice to see some familiar faces--and sleep in my big Queen-sized bed at home!

But, as always, with the good comes the bad. That's life.

Bad things recently:

1. I had my first quiz in my Learning & Motivation class...and it was incredibly difficult. I am not looking forward to getting my grade on that one.

2. There was a guy who I was interested in who has pretty much blown me off. I'm trying not to dwell on it, and I want to enjoy my singledom, but it's still a bit of an ego killer.

3. My grandfather, who is 84 years old, had to have emergency open heart surgery this past Friday. When my mom and dad called with the news, I was shocked and upset. Luckily, he has been recovering well, and is out of the intensive care unit, but still has to stay in the hospital for the next week so he can be monitored. I know that he is old, and that life and death are natural cycles, but it still is difficult to know that someone close to me is deteriorating. My grandparents live in Pittsburgh, which is a good 4 hours from my college, but I think I am going to make the journey out there sometime in the next week or so. Family is worth it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So, things have been good and bad. And that's ok. I am dealing, and I am dealing in a much healthier way than I would have dealt even a few months ago.

Do I still feel the urge to restrict when I'm upset, or to go run 5 miles? Yes. I won't lie and say those thoughts don't cross my mind. They do, often more than I'd like them to. However, I am learning to ignore those thoughts and to realize that starving myself to avoid my feelings is not only unhealthy, it is downright dangerous. My body is precious, and I really need to take care of it--and fuel it--properly.

What are your favorite self-soothing techniques? Mine as of late involve yoga, breathing exercises, and losing myself in a good book.

Super Senior Year Ain't So Bad

2010-09-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Friends!

Here are some photos of my new life here at SU:

my room

common area (before we made it more "homey" with posters, etc)

kitchen/breakfast bar

me & the ladies before going out on saturday night!

out at a party

...and this picture sums up my mood all weekend :-)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Now, it's back to the daily grind for my second week of classes. Tonight I work @ the coffee shop from 9:30 until closing, so it will be a late night. That's ok--as long as I'm getting paid, right?!

I just got back from dinner in the caf & had the most random mix of foods: steamed broccoli, a sweet potato, baked chicken, and some veggie soup. I am trying to work on variety in my diet, and I am trying to choose things that I wouldn't ordinarily choose or that I don't have often (like the sweet potato). It's still a process, and I'm still learning, but I'm starting to be a lot calmer before, during, and after mealtimes. Blogging right now also helps.

Also, I went grocery shopping today and bought more of those delicious dark chocolate-covered banana babies that I love, as long as some other random staples, like granola bars and pretzels.

My goals for the month of September are as follows:

reach my goal weight (almost there!) and maintain it

slowly re-introduce exercise in a healthy manner

take time every day to do something for myself

keep up with my studies without getting too stressed out

allow myself to have fun (but not too much fun! haha)

What are your goals this month?

College Life

2010-09-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

Oh, hey there.

Sorry I haven't been consistently posting, but for the first time since my ED, I've actually been living the dream. Staying out late, sleeping in, and eating delicious greasy college food.

...And drinking my weight in alcohol. Which a year ago I never would have allowed myself to do (too many calories and blah blah blah).

Last night I worked until midnight and still managed to have a great time afterwards. I've made so many new friends, and gotten closer to old ones as well. I've had so much fun since I moved in, and this is only just the beginning!

I think it's finally starting to click for me. Food doesn't have to be scary. It doesn't have to be the enemy. If I want an apple, I'll eat an apple. If I want a piece of cake, I'll eat a piece of cake. It's all about balance, people. Instead of depriving myself of the things I like, I'm learning to indulge in them--in moderation. Try it. Seriously. I used to be SO afraid that if I ate one cookie I'd eat the whole box. But that's not true. Our bodies know what they want. And if I do end up eating a few too many cookies (such as during an evening of drinking)? Oh well. It's not the end of the world.

Food is losing its power over me. I finally feel like I am moving on with my life again.

This weekend, take a moment to sit down in a quiet, calm space, and reflect on your life as it is right now. Make a list of 5 things you are grateful for. Even if everything is in shambles and you feel lost and alone, I guarantee you can think of something. It can be as simple as "the sun is shining today" or "i like the color of my nail polish" or "i made my bed today". Even the little things in life can be powerful.

My Last First Day of School

2010-08-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

Phew! I am exhausted, and the day isn't even near being through!

So, I moved into my on-campus apartment on Friday. One of my roommates, Kelly, was here already. She is a junior transfer student majoring in Political Science. She has red hair and wears funky clothes and is totally awesome. We hit it off right away. Then, on Sunday, the other 2 girls moved in. Kristin is a junior Elementary Ed major who also does hurdles & the high jump in track. She is tall, blonde, and absolutely gorgeous. She is also such a sweet girl, and we had dinner together last night. Then there is Rebeka, who is a sophomore Environmental Science major. She has brown hair that is long and straight (down to her butt, seriously!), and she is a little shy but also really sweet. Last night, she and I and Kelly went to Charlie's Coffeehouse (where I work--tonight is wing night and I work from 7 til 10--free wings with any drink purchase. It is going to be so crowded ughh) for open mic night. We sat on couches and chatted, and it was really nice.

So, I am super relieved that my roommates and I seem to have hit it off, at least so far. I think it's going to be a really great semester.

Today, I had an appointment at the Counseling Center with my new therapist. I was super nervous, but she was great and really put me at ease. Next week I will start nutritional counseling as well. I really think this semester is going to be awesome.

I only had one class today--Women's Studies. There were about 30 women and 2 men in the class--haha! The teacher is a wild and crazy and outspoken woman but she has a great heart. I can't wait for the semester. I was browsing through the topics and eating disorders is something we will discuss. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I'm excited because I'm glad we're going to be covering an issue that is so important for women. But I'm nervous and anxious because what if something upsets me? And should I speak up about my experiences or keep quiet? I guess I'll have to just see how things go in the coming weeks.

Tomorrow I have a busy day. 2 classes during the day, and a night class (Cult Films--heck yes!) from 6:30-10pm! yikesss. I'm usually in my PJ's by 10! haha.

*******************

So, this weekend was wild.
Over the top.
Seriously.
And you know what?

I'm weirdly ok with it.

Saturday night, I met up with a bunch of girls and we drank and went to 2 parties and then the bar. I also met a guy. I will call him J, for privacy's sake. He graduated already (Biomedical Engineering, smart AND cute--woo!), but from a different college. He was visiting some friends. Anyway, we ended up spending the whole night together, and he went with me from party to party and to the bar. Then he came back to my building with me....I won't go into details, but things may or may not have occurred. I admit that I woke up the next morning feeling a bit regretful, especially because I realize that, although we had great conversation the whole night and he seemed really awesome, all he probably wanted was sex. And he lives in another state and my chances of ever seeing him again are very slim. I feel like I let alcohol cloud my judgement and caused me to do something I normally take months with a person to do.

However, the plus side is this--I am so proud of myself for being confident enough in my body to bare it all in front of a man! Even if the alcohol made it happen, I still feel like I let myself enjoy the moment and for once, I wasn't worried about how I looked to him. After all, ladies, let's be honest--if you're naked with a guy, all he is thinking is "YES! I am the luckiest man alive right now! I have a naked girl in my room!" They aren't going to say "Oh you know what? Your boobs are two different sizes and you have love handles, so I think you should put your clothes back on and leave.". Believe me, men are a lot less critical of women's bodies than we ourselves are.

So, although I made a somewhat "skanky" choice this weekend, I realize that this is actually a big positive step for me in recovery. I allowed myself to drink without caring about calories, to go out and be social, and to allow a man to see my naked body without worrying what he would think. So, all sluttiness aside, GO ME!

Have you ever made a "risky" decision while drinking? Do you regret it, or did you learn to accept it and move on?

*****************

I've probably shared WAY too much. Anyway, I'm off to grab dinner in the caf with a friend before heading to work.

I'm doing surprisingly well with the campus food. Last night, my roomie and I had pizza, and it was effing delicious. Did it have a lot of greasy, fatty calories? Uh yeah, probably. But does it really matter? Um, not really. It tasted good and satisfied my hunger, and that's all that matters.

Oh, and I woke up this morning to a surprise visit from Mother Nature--
that's right, I GOT MY PERIOD!
I literally have not gotten it in over a year. I almost screamed, out of shock or joy I'm not sure. But in any case, I am so happy.

It has been a busy but altogether satisfying few days. I hope the rest of my week goes well.

How are you all doing? I've been reading your blogs and I'm proud of so many of you for stepping outside your comfort zones and facing your fears.

My Last Semester Ever (at least, I hope so)

2010-08-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

So, this is it.

All my backs are packed, I'm ready to go. Well, as ready as I'll ever be, anyway.

I watched my two darling boys Toby & Finley today one last time. Then, I had a splendid dinner on the porch with my parents--baked salmon, rice/quinoa, and steamed broccoli/cauliflower. Then, my dad and I packed up my little Volvo S40 with as much of my stuff as we could fit! (My parents will bring the rest of my stuff--like my mini-fridge--on Saturday).

Tomorrow, I drive myself the 2.5 hours to Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania, to move myself into my on-campus apartment for my last semester of college--hopefully EVER.

I am feeling nostalgic about the past 5 years of my life. So much has changed for me. There have been so many ups and downs. A year ago, I moved into college for what I thought would be my senior year. Little did I know, 3 weeks later I would be coming home, going into the hospital, and then staying home for a full year to attend treatment and get back on track.

So, am I a little nervous about going back to school tomorrow? Yes, of course. It will be the first time I've lived independently, without my parents around to check on my meals and make sure I do all my supplements. Yes, I lived independently my first 3 years of college, but the first 2 years were before my eating disorder, and the third year I quickly spiraled but was in denial. This will be my first time since attending treatment and gaining weight--and health--back that I have been living by myself and going to school full-time.

Luckily, I still have a lot of support. I have a therapist at school, as well as a nutritionist, plus I have my team here at home that I can call/visit at any time. I also will be keeping in frequent contact with my parents and friends from home. However, I am living in a single room, although I will be in a suite with 3 other girls--but I don't know any of them! I have a couple friends in nearby buildings, though, and they will be there for me if I need them.

I know that it is going to be incredibly difficult, and I know I'm going to have to keep my guard up, especially the first couple of weeks. It is so easy when no one is monitoring me for me to make excuses and cut corners, because that's exactly what happened a year ago. However, I think I'm in a much better place right now. Not only am I physically well, but I am mentally out of the obsessive-compulsive exercise/calorie-counting stage. I can't remember the last time I counted my calories, and today when I was packing up my car, I realized that it was the first time I've broken a sweat in months! Besides stretching and walking around the mall, I honestly have done ZERO activity. So, I know there's a state-of-the-art fitness facility at school where I can run for hours, and plenty of places where I can eat a salad with no dressing for dinner, but I know that I won't let that be my life again. Will I learn to handle light exercise a few days a week for wellness and health rather than calorie-burning? I hope so. Eventually. Can I still enjoy a salad with fresh vegetables sometimes? Yes, of course. But I know for a fact that this time around, I'll be hitting up that dessert bar too--free cookies and ice cream, here I come!

And as for my social life. I'm a legal adult, and there's nothing wrong with a shot of tequila now and again.

Anyway, I'll post again once I get settled so I can show you my new digs. Wish me luck...

***********************

P.S. Thought you might wanna see the evolution of me in college...especially my junior year in 2008-2009, when I started to spiral into ED's deadly grasp....

(*NOTE: If you are easily triggered by images, PLEASE skip this section)

August/September 2006: beginning of Freshman year, with my roommate Chelsea, who was British! (I'm on the left)

September 2007: beginning of sophomore year, with friends before going out (I'm on the far left)

September 2008: beginning of junior year with 2 of my 3 roommates (I'm in the middle). Still healthy at this point.

December 2008: End of 1st semester. Restricting & exercising more, but still a "healthy" BMI.

January 2009: Beginning of 2nd semester. Exercising daily & dramatically reducing caloric intake.

April 2009: End of junior year. Reach a scary low weight. Miserable and unhealthy.

June 2009: 21st birthday. Still underweight, but in beginning stages of recovery.

September 2009: Beginning of senior year. Rapidly lose weight. Shortly after this, I go to inpatient treatment.

November 2009: After being released from inpatient treatment and during intensive outpatient (IOP). This is on a family trip to visit my brother's military base (hence the flight gear).

March 2010: Me and P (yes, the one I've been sporadically emailing) at a wedding. In a good, solid point in my recovery. Completely outpatient.

August 2010: me a few weeks ago at the beach, with Toby on my lap.

So, It's been very up and down, as you can see. But, I think I'm ready.

No, scratch that.

I know I'm ready this time.

I won't come home (ok ok, I'll visit--duh!) until I have that diploma in my hands in December.

A "Date" to...Forget.

2010-08-24T06:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so.

Last night, the guy I ran into at the coffee shop called and asked if I wanted to meet up for drinks. I said "Sure, why not", and we agreed on Maggie's. It is a restaurant/bar with a nice, cozy atmosphere. Fun fact: my mom used to be a waitress there when she was pregnant with me!

So, anyway. I wasn't really quite sure if this was a "date" or not, but it certainly seemed that way from the way he has been texting/calling me saying he really wants to meet up before he moves to California next week.

So, I arrived at Maggie's at around 7:45, and went inside and ordered a drink. J texted to say he would be a few minutes late, and when he finally arrived around 8:00, he apologized profusely, gave me a hug, and ordered a beer.

Then, we chatted for awhile. It was nice, I suppose, but there were definitely no sparks, and there were a few awkward silences. It ended up being kind of weird. I mean, I find myself to be a pretty decent conversationalist and a social person, but it just wasn't a great conversation. I mean, J has a lot of interesting travels and experiences to talk about, which was interesting to hear, but beyond that, I felt that there wasn't much there. Friends, and that's it.

So then came the awkward moment when the bartender asked if we'd like another round. J quickly declined (I was actually rather relieved), and so the bartender closed up our tab. J took out his credit card, and since my wallet was nearby, I took it out of my purse and kind of awkwardly held it, not sure if I was expected to pay.

Welllll, apparently, I was. J was like, "Oh, I'll put it on my card and you can just give me cash." BURRRN. I mean, I'm no snob, and I understand that the guy doesn't have a lot of money. But, heck, neither do I! I work in a coffee shop on a college campus and babysit every once in awhile, for goodness sake!

So, after we paid up, we awkwardly walked to the parking lot, where we hugged and I scurried into my car and got OUT OF THERE.

I mean, I guess I can't really complain, because I reconnected with an old friend from high school, and it wasn't a TOTAL bore. However, as my first "date" back in the single world, it was a bit disappointing.

But, I talked to my BFF on the phone about it, and she always knows how to make me feel better. She said that it was great practice for the future, and that it's probably a good thing that there weren't many sparks, because he is moving away and I am going back to school anyway. So, I guess it could have been worse. Although I did spend $6 on a mixed drink....*sigh*

****************

In other news, I am spending the next couple days packing up my stuff because on FRIDAY I move into my apartment at school! AHHH. I can't believe my last semester of college EVER is upon me. I am sad and happy at once. Sad because I was supposed to graduate with my class in May. But happy because I finally feel like I'm at a point in my recovery where I can be on my own and stay on top of meals, school, and life. This will be my first time living independently (well, I'm in an on-campus suite with 3 other girls. I only know who one of them is, and only vaguely. So that is a bit stressful, but that's ok. I have my own room) since before my ED. I am definitely going to have my guard up, especially the first couple weeks, but I also feel completely confident that I will make it through my last semester with flying colors--and a diploma in my hands!

I am ready to join the real world, people!

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What are your favorite quotes in recovery?
I want to decorate my room at school with uplifting quotes to keep me going, but I'm having a difficult time coming up with them.

One of my favorites is:

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path."
~Buddha

My Week in Summary (oh yeah, and the Giveaway Winner!)

2010-08-20T19:03:00.000-07:00

It's just after 10:00 on Friday evening here in Maryland, and it's been a rather relaxing and non-stressful week--for the most part.

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First, I'd just like to thank everyone who gave me their long-distance relationship advice and entered my giveaway! I really appreciate the advice, and I took each comment to heart. In terms of my online chats with P, I am just letting things unfold naturally and trying not to have any expectations. It's weird because I've known him for about 7 years, but I always knew him as my brother's friend. But now that we've been talking pretty much every day, I realize how much we have in common. He is intelligent, sweet, and has a hilarious sense of humor. So, for now, since he is in Japan and I'm in the U.S., I'll have to just stick to online flirtation. But maybe when he comes back to the states for Christmas we'll go on a real date and see what happens...

So, remember in my last post when I said that I went to Birdie's Cafe and ran into a guy from high school that I hadn't seen in awhile? Well, I ended up going over to where he was sitting and we chatted for awhile before I left. I gave him my number in case he wanted to meet up sometime before I leave for school and he leaves as well--to move to California! I really didn't expect to hear anything back. Well, the next day (Wednesday), I got a text from him saying he would love to meet up sometime. So we texted a few times back and forth, and he suggested going to a movie either Friday or Saturday. So, I texted him back saying to call me and we'd work out the details. Well, it is now Friday night....and he hasn't called. Or texted.

What gives? Does anyone know what is up with this?

I often get frustrated with technology in the dating world because I feel like people hide behind it. Perhaps this guy is just shy. But it just seems weird that he would text me with a definite plan to see a movie, and then not follow through with it, even when I expressed interest! So frustrating...

And as for B, the recent ex, things are as good as can be expected, I suppose. We talked on the phone once and he was really upset and wanted me to give him another chance, but I stood my ground. Then the next day he texted me telling me he was over it. Typical B. His emotions are always up and down. I think he is trying to be tough. I feel awful about upsetting him and hurting him, but I do not regret my decision to break up in any way. I am ready to start the semester (I move into my apartment in 1 week eeeek!) with a totally clean slate.

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So....the moment you've all been waiting for! The winner of my giveaway!

........drum roll please.......I picked a number AT RANDOM via random.org's online random number generator and the winner was:

#11: suburban prep/Maureen!

Maureen, please send me an email and I'll put you in contact with the lovely people at CSN stores who will give you your gift certificate code worth $40!

Thanks to all who entered, and I'll hopefully have another giveaway for you all soon, so stay posted.

Blogging from Birdie's

2010-08-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

So, I wonder if I am becoming an official blog-maniac--I am currently blogging via WiFi in a cafe in my town.

Last night, a pretty severe thunderstorm hit my town and knocked out the internet at our house. So, I used it as an excuse to come to this new coffee shop in town and blog!

Birdie's Cafe is the name of the place, but I've actually known this building for YEARS. You see, there used to be this adorable cafe called the Pour House that we would all come to in high school. There were open mic nights, singer/songwriters, and an outdoor patio. It was always a cool place to chill.

But then, a few years ago, with the recession and everything, the Pour House sadly closed. It was vacant for awhile, until about a month ago! This is my first time in here, but the new owners have kept a lot of the same style and calm atmosphere of it. And the menu is similar too! Yay...perhaps I've found a new hangout...and a place to blog when my internet is kaputz.

So, I also ran into a guy named Jeff who was a senior in high school when I was a freshman. Haven't seen him in awhile, but he is lookin' GOOD. haha. He actually approached me first and gave me a hug and remembered my name, so I guess that's a good sign.

Anyway, thank you everyone for your awesome advice about the whole P situation, and for the encouragement about my recent breakup. I am confident in my decision to end things with B, even though it is a difficult thing to handle. I've been on both ends of a breakup, and I can say that both are painful.

As for P in Japan, I'm just going to keep my options open and let things ride. We have been emailing and chatting, and I'm just going to continue to see what happens. Maybe we'll meet up over the holidays for a real date, and I can see if he is worth holding on to. For now, a flirtatious email friendship will have to suffice.

Also, thanks for entering my giveaway! And remember, you have until Friday at 9pm EST to enter. So leave a comment on this post with your thoughts/advice on long-distance relationships and whether or not they work. That's all you have to do, and a $40 gift card to use at over 200 online stores could be yours.

*note: this is only open to Canadian and U.S. residents, sorry!*

GIVEAWAY! Don't Miss This Opportunity!

2010-08-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

As summer turns to fall and fall turns to winter, the weather is getting cooler and, for many of us, that means more family gatherings and dinner parties inside. So, if you need anything from cookware and dining room sets to bedding and wine glasses, my upcoming giveaway is the perfect thing for you!

I am lucky enough to have been contacted by the lovely people at CSN stores, who would like to give a $40 gift card to one of my readers to use as they wish at one of their 200+ stores! But more on that later.

First, let me recap my week...

pyramid! (I am in the green bikini).

Rehoboth beach was fabulous. Lots of fun, food, and friends. And I managed to get a bit tan! I stayed in a lovely beach house with my best friend and her family, as well as a few friends who were in and out during the week. Highlights of the week included lounging on the beach, happy hour(s), crab feasts, apples to apples game night, and ice cream and rides on the boardwalk, just to name a few.

Here is the best friend, her sister, and me (on the right). I am the maid of honor and her sister (in the middle) is the matron of honor in my friend's wedding in September 2011!

So, the vacation itself was great. However, I have decided to call it quits with the boyfriend. Lately, we weren't getting along very well, and I felt like he wasn't treating me the way I deserve. Our personalities were clashing, and it just didn't seem like it was going to work out in the long run. Also, I found myself becoming interested and attracted to other guys, which I took as a sign that perhaps B & I just weren't cut out for each other.

I also have a new love interest--sort of. My brother's friend, who I will call P for privacy purposes, has been my email penpal for the past couple of weeks. We talk online and email back & forth several times a day. The only problem is that P is a Marine Officer currently stationed in JAPAN! Talk about long distance. So, we can't exactly start dating anytime soon. I have known him for years through my brother, and I saw him in March at a friend's wedding, but I never really thought about him in a romantic way--until recently. He is 3 years older than me, so when I was in high school and he was in college (and one of my brother's roommates, no less!), dating each other wasn't really an option. But now that the age gap doesn't matter anymore (I'm 22, he's 25), I really seem to click with him when we talk. But, like I said, the guy is literally continents away, so there's not much to be done about that for the time being. He still has a little less than 2 years over there. Ugh.

But I feel great to be free from my previous relationship. I am ready to explore my options and really learn to depend on myself.

So, there are 2 weeks until school starts. I am feeling nervous and anxious, but also excited. I know I can do it. I know I can survive on my own at school without relapsing. It will be hard, but I am determined to succeed.

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Ok, so, about this awesome giveaway! Basically, CSN stores has been generous enough to offer one of my lucky readers a $40 gift card to use at any of their 200+ online stores. The great thing about CSN is that they have anything you could possibly want--from workout gear and shoes to dining room sets and cookware!

To enter, simply comment on this post telling me what your opinions on long-distance relationships are. Have you ever been in one? Do you think they work, or is it not worth it? Give me your honest thoughts! I'll pick one winner on Friday, August 20th at 9pm EST. Don't miss out on this awesome opportunity from CSN stores!

*note: This giveaway is open only to U.S. and Canadian residents.*

Back from the Beach

2010-08-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

Long time, no blog!

I arrived home this afternoon and boy, do I feel overwhelmed on all the blogging I missed out on! I am going to try and catch up on everyone's lives as best as I can this evening.

Rehoboth Beach was a blast. I enjoyed some fun in the sun with my best friend and her family (who are my second family). Now I only have 2 weeks until the semester starts. This week Brooke, her sister Erin, and I are going to look at bridesmaid dresses for Brooke's wedding! So exciting.

Oh, also--I broke up with B, the boyfriend. I know, I know, the last time I mentioned him I said how great he was. But it honestly just wasn't working out. The sparks weren't there and he was making me feel inferior by talking down to me. Oh, and there might be another man who has stolen my interest...more on that another time.

Too tired to write anything else...but I'll be reading about your lovely lives, and I'll post more again soon...including info about an upcoming GIVEAWAY!!! stay tuned!

Seeing my Best Friend Again!

2010-08-06T06:15:00.000-07:00

Today is the day! I get to see my BEST FRIEND for the first time since May!

She has been in England spending time with her fiance all summer. But now I get her all to myself for a glorious week of sunbathing and wine-drinking at Rehoboth Beach in Delaware!

Can't wait :-)

Not sure how internet service will be, so perhaps I'll post soon...but if not, have a great week!

Hot Coco(a)

Football, Booze, and a dusting of Snow

Coffee Cutback: Day 1

Cutting Back on Coffee

How do I write a New Year's post that isn't cliche...

'Twas the week before Christmas...

Easy Cake Mix Cookies

Epic Blogger Fail

A Whole Lot More Than Food Poisoning

Happy Halloween!

Allow Me to Explain...

This 4 Day Weekend

Earthquake...in Baltimore?!

Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend...

The 3 B's

take one, pass it along...

Happy July...5th?

Twenty-Three

It's OK...

2 Flat Tires and a trip to the country

Boyfriends and Cute Shoes

Sunshine & Words to Live By

What Keeps Me Going at Work

Bootylicious Easter

Yoga, I need you!

City Life

A Photo Tour of My New Home

Apartment!

From College Grad to Career Woman!

Falling Into Place

On Cloud Nine

ABC Game

NEDA Awareness Week!

7 Things I'm Loving Now

Coco's Cinnamon Applesauce Muffins

...drumroll please...

A Giveaway...because the best things in life are free.

Interview

alma mater

Drowning my sorrows....(with a giveaway?!)

There's *SNOW* Way

It's a Goal(d) Mine

2011 is Upon Us

The Nanny

I'm a Pro Girl Now

Where on Earth...

Are you chicken?

Thanksgiving--a day or a lifestyle?

I'd Like to Have an InFORMAL Discussion

Make-up Free Tuesday

Party Like Dr. Seuss

My 100th Post!

Recovery Means...

Sexual Assault: It is NEVER Your Fault!

"I Need to Be Honest With You..."

The Weirdest Semester of My College Career

Date Night

Only Tuesday

A Year Ago Today

With the Good Also Comes the Bad

Super Senior Year Ain't So Bad

College Life

My Last First Day of School

My Last Semester Ever (at least, I hope so)

A "Date" to...Forget.

My Week in Summary (oh yeah, and the Giveaway Winner!)

Blogging from Birdie's

GIVEAWAY! Don't Miss This Opportunity!

Back from the Beach

Seeing my Best Friend Again!

There's SNOW Way