A Workin' Girl!

Good afternoon, bloggies!

My oh my, I feel like it has been forever since my last post! Or maybe it's just that it seems like a lot of exciting stuff has happened.

As the title of my post suggests, I have started working at my new job as an Enumerator for the U.S. Census Bureau for the 2010 Census! Well--so far I have just done training, which is this week from 3:30 to 9:30 at night. Exhausting, but kind of fun, and I am getting paid a decent sum PLUS gas mileage/travel time, so I really can't complain! I was also chosen to be trained as a fingerprinter, and I fingerprinted my fellow Enumerators on Monday. I felt so official, and I was really proud of myself!

The only drawback to the night training, besides the fact that I'm missing some of my TV shows, is that I have to eat dinner at training. We only get 30 mins (sometimes even less!), so most people pack their meals. However, there is NO fridge OR microwave. Therefore, I have been trying to stick to my weight-gain goals by packing high-cal options that are easy to transport and won't spoil in my lunchbox--PB & J, granola bars, juice boxes, etc.

So this morning I had another weigh-in, and I am only up one more pound. I am a bit disappointed because I know that part of it is my eating disorder holding me back. I know I could be challenging myself more, but sometimes in the moment, ED holds me back. But I am still trying to keep my goals in mind. I'm afraid that I won't gain enough weight by the middle of May and therefore won't be able to take my trip to visit my brother in San Diego. I really am going to work even harder this week to make it happen!

This weekend, I am heading to SU for Spring Weekend, which is basically a fun free event on campus with blow-up obstacle courses, free t-shirts and goodies, an outdoor barbecue, and live music. I am excited but also nervous to see people again. I always feel like I'm an intruder in my own apartment when I'm there, mostly because I think it's awkward for everyone! But I will be seeing the boy, which I am super stoked about!

Have a lovely rest of the week and weekend, and I'll post again as soon as time allows :-)

A New Outlook

Good morning!

So, yesterday was a pretty major day--family therapy, nutrition, and individual therapy all in a row, plus class in the afternoon, after which I hit MAJOR rush hour traffic! Needless to say, by the time I got home, I was POOPED!

Anyway, the therapy all went well, except I didn't gain any weight. I honestly was flabbergasted! I have been doing my supplements & meals, and was just amazed! Courtney told me that it really takes a lot of intake to repair everything internally, let alone to gain anything. So, even though I was disappointed because it makes my goal of XXX by May 18th seem impossible, it also put things into perspective for me--a couple days of eating a lot isn't going to make a huge difference. So, I guess I'll have to keep chugging along. She said my body should definitely catch up by next week, so I'll cross my fingers!

Tomorrow I start my training for my job with the U.S. Census Bureau! I have to go in from 8 to 4:30 tomorrow to learn how to fingerprint people! Then next week I have training at night from 4-10pm almost every day. I am super excited and a little nervous. It's been awhile since I've have a real job, and even though this is only training, I am still scared. But hey, it's paid training--$15.50/hr! That's pretty damn good!

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So, the title of my post is "A New Outlook". Basically, I am realizing that I have a new outlook in terms of recovery and life in general. Yesterday during family therapy, my parents AND the therapist told me they can tell I am looking at things in a new way, and that I am going to get through this. I think I've been realizing lately that you can't have both. You can't have your eating disorder AND achieve your goals. You can't "partially" recover from an ED while still hanging on to your old ways. You just can't. Being the thinnest person in the room does NOT equal being the happiest--I've been there, and I can tell you it was miserable. I'd rather honor my body and be a healthy weight for ME than try to be something I'm not. I was a beautiful, thin, gorgeous girl before ED. My BMI was only 19-20! And I was healthy and happy and active! And I guess I'm realizing now that I can't continue in this cycle of half-recovery, relapse, half-recovery, etc. I need to choose FULL recovery. That means letting go of food rituals. Letting go of fears. Following my meal plan COMPLETELY. Being honest with my treatment team.

I think yesterday something else really hit me--my 22nd birthday is only 2 months away. I am in a relationship with a man I could see myself being with for a long time. Now, I don't want kids anytime soon, but maybe in the next 5 years. And yesterday I thought to myself, "Oh my God! What if I physically CAN'T have kids? What if I won't be able to?!" That scared me so much. I want to be able to bear my own children, and I want to be able to set a good example for them of a healthy, HAPPY relationship with food and exercise.

So, I hope this time will be different. No, you know what? I know it will.

Busy Weekend

Hello, world! Happy Monday :-)

This weekend was quite the busy one indeed, at least in terms of my usual boring life. Haha. On Friday, both parents took the day off because it was their 27th wedding anniversary! I felt kind of awkward tagging along on their day of fun, but they didn't seem to mind. First, we went and test-drove some cars because my mom wants to get a new car since her Toyota Camry is paid off. She looked at Volvos and Mercedes! I must admit, the 2008 silver Mercedes C350 was quite the treat!

Then, we drove into Baltimore and headed to the Baltimore Museum of Art. It was a lot of fun, and I hadn't been there since I was literally a baby! So...about 20 years! haha. There were some interesting exhibits, but of course it didn't even come close to any of the museums we visited in Paris. I suppose I was spoiled then...

After the museum, we headed to the Inner Harbor and walked around a bit. Here's Mom & Dad, still happy after 27 years:
We also browsed in Barnes & Noble (I got some great book ideas to check out of the library!), and then it was time for dinner at McCormick & Schmick's. All three of us ended up ordering the same thing because it was the chef's recommendation: trout in a berry/butter sauce with grilled vegetables. I also had some bread and a glass of 2007 Kenwood Pinot Noir, which I highly recommend! And I am usually a white wine gal! I was proud of myself because we also ordered dessert, which we all split.

After dinner, we headed home and my boy came to visit! He stayed from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. On Saturday, the 4 of us headed to Gettysburg to walk around, etc. Too bad it was windy and FREEZING outside! Crazy how the weather is so unpredictable this time of year.

We went to a fun lunch at the Dobbin House Tavern:

Then we walked/drove around the battlefields. By the time we got home, we were all exhausted! Mom made spaghetti and meatballs, and we all ate and then relaxed and watched "The Time Traveller's Wife", which I have seen twice now and definitely recommend.

On Sunday, my parents drove 4 hours to my grandparents' house in Pittsburgh for my Grandpap's birthday. I opted out since B was visiting, and I knew it would be too overwhelming for him to ride 4 hours there and 4 hours back, then drive 2 more hours home! So instead, B & I relaxed, had a heart to heart about my ED (he is very supportive!), and then went to lunch at O'Lordan's Irish Pub in town. I got the soup/sandwich/salad combo with Maryland Crab Soup and the Turkey & Cranberry sandwich. It was divine.

Then last night, my parents returned from their trip exhausted, so we just watched a movie and then headed to bed.

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So now, today is Monday, and I am really trying to focus on weight gain and recovery. It is extremely difficult. I find it very hard mentally to convince myself to drink my supplements, even though I know it's what my body needs. B told me to think of it as gaining health, not just gaining weight. And he reassured me that he loves who I am, regardless of how thin or not thin I am. In fact, he liked me freshman year of college when I had some more "junk in my trunk" (his words exactly hahahaha).

I have another long day of therapy on Wednesday--family, then nutrition, then individual. I will also be weighed. I am nervous because supplement-wise, I've still been slacking. Meals have been good, but for some reason the supplements are hard to handle. I really need to get a handle on this thing, fast! If I lose weight this week, my parents will be very upset and I will likely have to consider dropping out of school and going into inpatient treatment. I need to get to my mini-goal by May 18th, or B & I won't be going on our romantic trip! I have been trying to remind myself of these things before every meal and supplement.

Hope you all are doing well, and thanks for your support!

Major Update!

Long time, no post! And for that, I apologize! (As if anyone even reads this...haha)

Basically, I finally "came clean" to my parents since my last post. I had been lying to them about my weight and about my struggles, and my mom finally confronted me the other night, and I had to just let it out. I confessed that I indeed had lost weight, and that it was a significant amount, and that my ED voice was gaining strength again.

At first, my parents were very angry and upset, but more because I had lied than because they think I'm an awful person. They have actually been really supportive these past few days, which gives me strength and motivation to really recover once and for all. I don't know what I would call this--maybe a relapse, maybe just a lapse, maybe a setback. But in any case, I want to put it BEHIND me.

So, we had family therapy and I also had individual therapy & nutrition today, and I really am going to jump back on the bandwagon, with my family to support (and sometimes nudge) me. Back on the supplements, no slacking at meals, just plowing right on through! I have set a goal of a certain weight (I won't do numbers on the blog), and if I don't reach that weight by the end of the semester (May 18th), then I will NOT be going on my planned vacation with the boyfriend to San Diego (we are planning on visiting my brother for 12 glorious days of fun and sun). Also, if I don't gain X amount of pounds by this time, I have agreed to seek a higher level of care.

So, now that I have a clear goal in mind, I hope I will be able to DO THIS. I really want to recover for my family, friends, boyfriend, future children....but most importantly, for MYSELF. I am only hurting my own body (and SOUL!) by continuing in ED's path, and I will suffer no longer!

Yes, it's gonna suck. Yes, I'll probably feel like shit for awhile. But you know what? I'm pretty sure life without an eating disorder is wayyy better than the life I've been living these past few months/years.

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This weekend, B is coming to visit and we are going to (hopefully) go explore Gettysburg, weather permitting! And tomorrow is the 'rents' Anniversary (27 years--WOW!), so I might do something fun with them (and let them have their alone time, of course).

Other than the recent breakdown with my family, etc, things have been ok. I went to Hershey Park with the boy, which was stellar. And I got good grades on 2 of my papers. So, I am trying to just be positive and pick myself back up.

Time to read, talk to the boy toy, and hit the hay......until later.....

tomorrow...

"I'll do it tomorrow. I'll start tomorrow. I'll wait til tomorrow. I'll see how I feel tomorrow"....

Those are the sort of thoughts that have been running through my mind every single day for MONTHS.

Yes, some tomorrows are better than others, but I'm sick of putting recovery on hold. Because if I do that, I'll never recover. Recovery isn't supposed to be easy. And let's face it: when would I ever really wake up and say "TODAY I feel like changing?"...That's just not going to happen. ED will NEVER be ready for recovery, because recovery means getting rid of ED for good.

I talked to Anne (my therapist) yesterday, and I think I am so afraid to let go of ED because it has become such a part of who I am that I don't know where I'll be without it. It's lessened, sure. But when it is completely gone, what will I be left with? LIFE. I am afraid to live my life. I am afraid to graduate and get a job & live on my own and pay all my own bills, etc. I do some of those things now, and I have been somewhat independent, but I'm afraid to take the leap away from ED and into normal adulthood. I will be 22 years old in June. That's only 2 months away. I don't want to be stuck in the same place I was at 21.

Anne asked me what kinds of hobbies I have, and what I like to do. And honestly, my mind drew a huge blank! It's been so long since I let myself be 100% COCO. So, I'm going to experiment with some new hobbies (some art in my future, perhaps?), and try to find something outside of ED that is 100% totally ME.

My weight is still not up, and I know it's because I keep putting off the hard work of recovery until "tomorrow".

Well, guess what? TODAY is yesterday's tomorrow, so I better start working!

So Thankful

Thank you all so much for your kind, encouraging words on my last post.

I ended up having an out-of-control binge yesterday after that post that led to me getting physically sick and feeling incredibly guilty. It was disgusting.

But you know what? I'm not gonna dwell on it.

Today is a new day. Yesterday happened, and all I can do is suck it up, learn from it, and move on.

I had a normal breakfast, and I plan on having a normal lunch & dinner.

Once again, thanks for your support. I am going to really focus on kicking ED's ass this week.

Confession

So, the truth is...

I am really struggling lately with my eating disorder. For those of you who have battled one, you know how much of a slippery slope it is, and how quickly it can get out of control. I was steadily gaining weight for a long time, had finally gotten to a healthy place, and felt less stressed about food and life in general.

Then, I let myself get lazy. "Oh, I'll just skip one supplement or snack today" became "I won't have ANY supplements or snack ANY day". "Oh, I'll just have water with dinner instead of a caloric beverage" became "I won't EVER have a caloric beverage".

I weighed myself this morning and it is absolutely alarming. I won't post numbers because I don't want to trigger anyone, but I am literally almost as low in weight as I was BEFORE I went to IOP last fall. I am basically back to square one, and I am really frustrated in myself for falling prey to ED once more.

I don't know what to do. My family thinks I am fine because I have been lying to them and hiding my struggles. My boyfriend doesn't even know how much I am hurting myself.

I know that ED is NOT the solution, and I know that the only way for me to get better once and for all is to JUST DO IT. I need to face my fears, EAT THE FOOD, drink the Ensure, suck it up, and gain the weight. And then I need to KEEP the weight on.

I want to have children someday. I want to set a good example for them. I want my womanly figure back. I want to feel and look spectacular in my bathing suit and shorts this summer. I want to go to a barbecue and be able to have a burger and a few beers without worrying about it. I want to be like I was a couple years ago--happy, beautiful, and most importantly, HEALTHY. I am about to go drink the first Ensure I've had in probably weeks, even though I'm supposed to be having 4 a day.

Encouragement would be much needed, please. I know I'm usually more positive, but I can't lie to you guys any longer. I'm struggling and I really need help.

Sunny and 75 degrees!

Good morning/afternoon, everyone, and Happy April Fool's Day!

I am finding it incredibly hard to believe that it is already APRIL 2010. Honestly, I feel like I have come such a long way and things have changed SO much in the past year. This time last year, I was in the throes of my eating disorder and I was severely underweight and undernourished. Last April, I isolated myself in my room most days and rarely did anything social. Last April, I was drowning in schoolwork, stress, and depression. The only way I knew how to cope was to starve and exercise my worries away, and to focus on counting calories rather than deal with LIFE.

The past 12 months have been an incredibly bumpy journey. I have gone up, down, up, WAY down, and crawled back up again. I have gained weight, lost weight, maintained weight, and everything in between. I have been happy, sad, and every other emotion imaginable. Mostly, though, I have learned in the last year that life, although difficult and sometimes downright miserable, is still worth living.

Do I still struggle? YES, of course. In fact, I can't lie--the past few weeks I have been slipping back into my eating-disordered ways--counting calories, feeling anxious before meals, and feeling generally exhausted from lack of proper nutrition. But at least I am now at a point in my recovery where I can recognize the weaknesses within myself, and I can use the resources around me (therapist, nutritionist, family, boyfriend, friends) to pick myself back up and get back on the road to recovery.

Sorry this post is long and rather serious, but I am in a reflective mood on this GORGEOUS April day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and life is finally feeling like it is WORTH LIVING.

I know there will be bad days--there always are--but I also know that I have people around me who love me and care for me. So, even when I have a hard time loving myself, I can at least find comfort in the fact that I am worth it to someone else.

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So, what's been new with me?

Well, last weekend was a BIG one. I went to visit my friends at school on Friday night. We went to dinner at a local Italian place, then went to see "Hot Tub Time Machine", which was actually rather hilarious!

Then, on Saturday, B and I headed to his parents' house in the Pocono Mountains. I was nervous, because he has 4 younger brothers, and I was meeting all of them as well as his parents for the first time. We went out for dinner at a Mexican place, and it ended up being really nice. His brothers are full of energy (they are 4, 7, 12, and 18!!!), and his parents were sooo sweet, especially B's mom.

Then, as if that wasn't enough excitement for one weekend, Sunday I went with B and his family to his grandparents' house in New Jersey for their annual Palm Sunday dinner. I met a total of 20+ people, including aunts, uncles, and cousins. I was incredibly nervous, but his family's kindness and hospitality really put me at ease. I felt like I fit right in. I was also nervous about the big sit-down meal, but it ended up being really low-key--buffet-style. It was a lot of fun and I was proud of myself for trying a little bit of everything, including ham, mac & cheese, and B's mom's famous jello "salad" recipe.

Then, Monday I drove back home, attended class, and then went to our family friends' house for their Passover Seder. This was actually the most stressful part of the weekend, foodwise at least, because I have never been to a Seder and thus have never had the interesting foods that are typical, like Matzot ball soup. I was proud of myself for at least trying everything, even if I wasn't particularly fond of it.

Now, I've been getting back into the daily grind of class, and my mom and I have been bonding a bit this week because my dad's in Los Angeles on business until Friday night.

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In other news, does anyone have any fun Easter plans?!
My parents and I are laying low this year, going to church and perhaps having a nice meal on our screened-in porch, if weather permits.

Last year I was miserable.

This year, I vow to be positive.