Interview

First things first:

This weekend was so much fun. I got to see my roomies again after more than a month apart. I caught up with old friends, drank some alcohol, and danced my little patootie off.

I also realized that I felt "normal" for the first time in awhile. As in, pizza for dinner, and shots of vodka, and not even worrying about the calories. It was great. My hangover on Sunday wasn't so great, but it was worth it.

So, tomorrow morning, I have a really big JOB INTERVIEW!

I don't want to disclose too much (you never know who might find you on the internet, know what I mean?), but basically, this job is in my field (Psychology), and it is a great opportunity. If I get hired, I will have a "real person" full-time job, and I'll be working in an area I have always been interested in. This really could be a dream come true for me.

I admit, I am super nervous. Like, insanely nervous. I know that's normal for big interviews, but I sometimes let my anxiety take hold more than I should. I am trying to keep up with my eating and I've been doing yoga to relax, but I am still freaking out!

Anyway, I'm off to try on my business suit for the umpteenth time, practice interviewing in front of the mirror, and doing a few cat-cow poses to help me relax.

(...And maybe eating some chocolate.)

Do you have any tips or advice for a professional interview?

alma mater

This weekend, I will be making a trip to my alma mater to visit these lovely ladies:

There will surely be some of this....

...and probably a little of this....

...and perhaps a bit of this?!

I'm really excited to see my (ex)roomies. They make me so happy, and they are the kindest, truest friends I made in college. Kelly, the red head, will most likely be a bridesmaid in my wedding. (If I ever find a man and get married, that is!)

Speaking of weddings...

In two weeks, these two lovebirds will be married!:

...and I'll have a new SISTER-in-law!

Do you have sister- or brother-in-laws? Are you close with them?

Where on Earth...

...have I been!?!?

Well, as any college student knows, the last two weeks of the semester are always the most brutal. On top of all that, I have been trying to make sure everything is in order for me to GRADUATE! As of now, as long as I pass my classes this semester, I am all set.

I am in disbelief. I finally made it.

So, tonight was my final final (weird!), and I had a presentation as well. All I have left between me and college grad status is my research paper with my research group for psychology. We have been doing draft after draft after draft, and I think by tomorrow it will be complete!

So, I have realized lately just how truly amazing my friends are. I started out this semester totally nervous and unsure about what would happen. Most of my close friends had already graduated. My roommates were totally random. I thought I would just do my work, get it over with, and be ready to move on.

But now? Well, my roommates and some of the other people I've met this semester are some of the most positive influences in my life right now. They are level-headed, intelligent, caring, and fun. They listen when I need them to, and make me laugh when I need them to, and truly care about me.

I really got to see how much they truly care this past weekend. On Friday night, my roommate Kelly told me to take a shower and dress nice because we were going to her Rugby team's annual Holiday Party at a local restaurant. So, I got myself dolled up and a few of us hopped in the car. When we got to the restaurant, we walked into the back room, and all of a sudden I see my parents, my best friend Brooke from home, and about 20 of my college friends waiting for me.

"SURPRISE!!!" they all yelled.

I couldn't believe it. Kelly organized the entire thing. It was a surprise graduation party, complete with a sheet cake, gifts, and cards. And my parents and best friend were in on it! It was amazing. I have never ever in my life had a surprise party before, so it was awesome.

the whole crew

roomies <3

Tonight, my roommates and a few of our close friends (all of whom I met this semester but feel incredibly close and connected to) exchanged Christmas gifts. Kelly gave me Clarissa Explains It All Season 1 on DVD (please tell me I'm not the only one who used to LOVE this show growing up!), and then she made me a scrapbook of photos of this semester, from the beginning of the year, to Halloween, to now. It had inspiring quotes and stickers and was just amazing. I cried.

Now, as I am gearing up to leave Susquehanna University for the last time as an enrolled undergraduate student, I am terrified. Nostalgic. Sad. Uncertain. Proud. Relieved. Anxious. Excited. So many emotions, both positive and negative, are flowing through me right now and I don't even know how to begin to process them.

All I know is this: things are going to change. My life is about to change in an incredibly substantial way, and my future is a blank page. But, I know that it will be ok. It's going to work out. And I know for a fact that the friendships I've built this semester will last, because these people truly care about me and I truly care about them. It's going to be difficult not waking up and walking into the kitchen to sip coffee together and rehash our crazy shenanigans, or to walk to class together in the pouring rain, or to randomly decide to down a bottle of wine on a Tuesday night and color pictures of Disney Princesses to tape all over the walls (yes, that really happened).

But even though I'll be farther away doesn't mean I can't visit. And you know what? I'm 22 years old. It's time for change. It's time for real life to begin. I might not be 100% ready, but I am willing to try. I am going to make the best of each and every day.

Look out world, here comes Coco!

I'd Like to Have an InFORMAL Discussion

Ok, So I'm still working on what I hope will be an epic and even controversial post about "health" and what it means to me, as well as what I've noticed in the media and in the blogging community.

But for now, as the oh-so-clever title of my post suggests, I would like to have an inFORMAL discussion.

Meaning what, you may ask?

Welllll, nothing really. I just wanted an excuse to post my purrrty pictures from the FORMAL DANCE I attended this past Saturday evening! My roommate, Kelly, is on our school's Women's Rugby team (sweet, right?! GIRL POWER!), and the Men's & Women's teams had a formal dance on Saturday night to celebrate the end of the season. Clearly, Kelly brought ME as her "date" ;-)

It was at Peking Gardens, a local Chinese Restaurant, and food, liquor, and transportation was provided--score! I had a heaping plate of fried noodles, orange chicken, broccoli, rice, and an eggroll, as you will see in a few of the following (incredibly flattering--insert sarcasm here) photos. There was dinner, dancing, a DJ, and fun times all around.

Here are some highlights:

My "date", Kelly, and I

I won't lie: I felt sexy in my classic black dress and heels :-)



I spent my night dancing with a man I will call A (pictured above). He works with me at the coffee shop and was actually another girl's "guest" for the evening (they are just friends). We ended up dancing and talking the entire night. It must have gone well because he and I have made plans to hang out tomorrow evening! :-)

Oh yeah, and I can't forget my two favorite photos of the evening.

drumroll, please.......

..............

......................

................................



.....and there you have it, ladies and gents. Proof that ED recovery is most clearly worth it.

A year or two ago, I wouldn't have even come near such greasy, "fatty", "unhealthy" foods.

But now?

.............

Well, the pictures say it all. <3>

Party Like Dr. Seuss

Hello, lovelies!

As this is my last Halloween weekend of my college career, I have decided to go ALL OUT.

Last night, my friend and I were Dr. Seuss' Thing 1 & Thing 2.

The originals:

Our "cuter" version (I'm Thing 1):


...and here's a couple more pics, just 'cause I was rockin' my new bootay ;-)


We danced, we drank (way too much), we ate, we flirted, we danced some more, and we had the best time ever.

It was worth every hungover second. Went to bed at 5:30 am, got up at 1:00pm. Ate lunch at 2:00pm. I feel like such a lazy college kid...and i love it.

Going out again tonight. This time, the new boy interest and I are doing a "couples" costume. I'll post photos tomorrow, but I'm not telling what we are dressing as.

Here are 3 clues:

1. Polka dots
2. Sweater vests
3. Sneakers


Can you guess what "couple" B & I are going to be tonight???

Sexual Assault: It is NEVER Your Fault!

I want to discuss something really important in this post.

This weekend, I had a very scary experience involving unwanted sexual contact. I wasn't raped, but I was sexually assaulted. I don't want to go into details because it's upsetting, but basically I was physically and verbally abused by a guy whom I had previously considered an acquaintance, and even a friend. Don't worry--it wasn't the new boy, B, or anyone I have ever previously posted about. However, this was a guy who I have known for awhile, who I trusted, and who I have class with this semester.

I just want to inform you all about sexual assault, and give you some resources. I know that my initial reaction after this incident on Saturday was to feel incredibly dirty, disgusting, and guilty. The man who assaulted me not only put me in physical danger, but he also verbally assaulted me, calling me a bitch and several other offensive names. Yes, he was incredibly drunk (and for the record, I was NOT drunk--I had had one alcoholic beverage but was by no means intoxicated), but alcohol is still NO EXCUSE for his actions.

In fact, even if you have been sexually, verbally, or physically abused or assaulted and you were drunk, it is still NOT okay. Sex without consent is rape. Unwanted or forced sexual contact of any kind, even touching or kissing, is still considered assault if consent is not freely given.

Please, I urge you, if you have had an experience with sexual assault or rape or abuse of ANY KIND, please do not be afraid to seek help. Tell someone. It can be a teacher, friend, relative, or authority figure. Just make sure it is someone you trust.

And please, do not be ashamed. The past couple of days have been rough for me. I feel like I somehow brought this upon myself, or to consider the fact that maybe I was "asking for it". But you know what? There is NEVER an excuse for assault of any kind.

My best friend wants me to report the incident. I'm not sure what to do. Here I am, telling you all to seek help, and I have (so far) kept silent, at least as far as police or campus authority involvement. I think I am hesitant because of how small my campus is. I had class this morning with the guy who did this to me, and it was painful. Someone I had previously trusted and thought highly of is now someone I am afraid to associate with or even go near. It isn't right.

Anyway, here are just a few of the many, many resources out there regarding this issue:

PAVE: Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment

RAINN: Rabe, Abuse, & Incest, National Network

NSVRC: National Sexual Violence Resource Center

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On a random positive note, I promised you photos. So, here's a photo of me, my friend Kim, and the new sweet guy B at the bar a couple weeks ago:


B has been really awesome. We're not "dating" exactly, but we have been spending time together talking and hanging out, and we have kissed. He is incredibly sweet and respects women, which is something we all deserve in a man, don't you think?

Hopefully my next post will be more positive. Until then, my bloggie friends! ........

The Weirdest Semester of My College Career

I don't even know where to begin with this post.

This has easily been the weirdest, most exciting/random/exhilarating/scary/FUN semester of my entire college career.

So, first things first: let me update you on my date last Monday. D arrived a little late due to lots of rain & traffic, but he got here around 6pm. We walked into town for a nice dinner, which he bought. We had good conversation, and I felt an attraction to him. The major turnoff physically was his height, but I'm not a mega-bitch and it really didn't bother me that much.

So, after dinner, we came back to my place and just hung out and watched a movie and chatted, which was nice. Then we started making out....and then somehow all of my clothes were off. Um, oops. I honestly did NOT want to do that! But I guess I was living in the moment. Anyway, he ended up staying the night and leaving early in the morning before my 10am class. It was a really nice time, and he seemed like a really sweet guy. Basically, we agreed to just kinda see what happens and maybe hang out again when we're both available. But since he goes to school 3 hours away, and I am graduating soon, we talked about how a big commitment just isn't in the cards right now.

So, I thought things were good. Then, almost as soon as he left, D texted me. And then he texted me again. And again. And again. Basically, this guy is INTENSE. He literally has texted/called me/IMed me NONSTOP in the past week since our date. At first I thought it was cute to get messages about how beautiful and awesome I am, but it is really starting to freak me out. He tells me how much he misses me, but we've only hung out ONCE. And he got jealous when I told him I was STUDYING with my friend Adam for a test. Like, seriously?! If he's this possessive and clingy when we're NOT EVEN DATING, what would he be like in a relationship???

So, 2 nights ago, I had a serious chat with D on the phone. Basically, he is really into me and wants to "make this work". But, I feel like I don't want to commit to someone I hardly know. He already is talking about visiting me again next week, and he wants to see me over Thanksgiving Break. I just feel smothered. He is a nice guy, and attractive, and smart, and funny, but I can't take this constant communication. In fact, he literally just sent me a message right this second.

Someone PLEASE give me advice. ASAP. I don't know what to do.
I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I don't necessarily want to completely kick him to the curb, either. I had a lot of fun on our date, and he seemed like such a cool guy. But his behavior in the last week has really freaked me out, and he doesn't seem to understand my position.

HELP!

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So, last night was another interesting evening, but in a much more positive way! I went to a Breast Cancer Awareness event held by ZTA called "Real Men Wear Pink", which was entertaining and fun. Then I went out to a party and to the bar with some friends, including my roommate Kelly, who I've grown incredibly close with. She is the only roomie I've told about my ED, and I really feel like I can trust her.

So, there was this guy I'll call B who I ended up meeting up with last night. We met last weekend, and he is the sweetest boy ever! He plays football for our school, but he isn't your cliche "meathead" jock. He's an art major and he is really intelligent and funny and interesting. Lookswise, he's not the hottest man alive, but his personality MORE than makes up for it. And he is pretty cute. So, last night we went to the bar together and he bought me a drink and we talked. Then, I went back to his place with him to hang out and talk and watch a movie. He showed me his art (which was incredibly impressive!) and then we just cuddled a little and he gave me a little peck on the lips and I fell asleep there!

Nothing sexual happened...and it was perfect. Seriously. He was a really nice guy with a good heart, and I hope I see him again.

I still am not looking for anything serious right now, but I'm sick of random hookups all the time. I'm sick of guys texting me at 3am asking me to come over. I don't want to be that girl. I'm ashamed that I even let myself become that girl for one guy, let alone 2 or 3. As of now, I need to make my boundaries clear. And this B guy seems to really respect women. He is close friends with one of my close friends, and she has told me how sweet he is.

So, today he texted me to say hi. We'll see what happens. As long as he doesn't go psycho on me like D, perhaps I'd rather hang with this guy instead. Or both? haha.

Anyway, people, give me advice. I need the male and female perspectives here:
What's the deal with D--is he really just a nice guy who doesn't realize how smothering he is being, or does he seem like a creeper who would only be possessive and overbearing in a relationship?

(Oh, I also had a huge test last week, 2 essays, and I have another test this week....So, it's not ALL fun and games my last semester of college :-P)

Super Senior Year Ain't So Bad

Greetings, Friends!

Here are some photos of my new life here at SU:

my room


common area (before we made it more "homey" with posters, etc)


kitchen/breakfast bar


me & the ladies before going out on saturday night!


out at a party


...and this picture sums up my mood all weekend :-)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Now, it's back to the daily grind for my second week of classes. Tonight I work @ the coffee shop from 9:30 until closing, so it will be a late night. That's ok--as long as I'm getting paid, right?!

I just got back from dinner in the caf & had the most random mix of foods: steamed broccoli, a sweet potato, baked chicken, and some veggie soup. I am trying to work on variety in my diet, and I am trying to choose things that I wouldn't ordinarily choose or that I don't have often (like the sweet potato). It's still a process, and I'm still learning, but I'm starting to be a lot calmer before, during, and after mealtimes. Blogging right now also helps.

Also, I went grocery shopping today and bought more of those delicious dark chocolate-covered banana babies that I love, as long as some other random staples, like granola bars and pretzels.

My goals for the month of September are as follows:

• reach my goal weight (almost there!) and maintain it


• slowly re-introduce exercise in a healthy manner


• take time every day to do something for myself


• keep up with my studies without getting too stressed out


• allow myself to have fun (but not too much fun! haha)

What are your goals this month?

College Life

Oh, hey there.

Sorry I haven't been consistently posting, but for the first time since my ED, I've actually been living the dream. Staying out late, sleeping in, and eating delicious greasy college food.

...And drinking my weight in alcohol. Which a year ago I never would have allowed myself to do (too many calories and blah blah blah).

Last night I worked until midnight and still managed to have a great time afterwards. I've made so many new friends, and gotten closer to old ones as well. I've had so much fun since I moved in, and this is only just the beginning!

I think it's finally starting to click for me. Food doesn't have to be scary. It doesn't have to be the enemy. If I want an apple, I'll eat an apple. If I want a piece of cake, I'll eat a piece of cake. It's all about balance, people. Instead of depriving myself of the things I like, I'm learning to indulge in them--in moderation. Try it. Seriously. I used to be SO afraid that if I ate one cookie I'd eat the whole box. But that's not true. Our bodies know what they want. And if I do end up eating a few too many cookies (such as during an evening of drinking)? Oh well. It's not the end of the world.

Food is losing its power over me. I finally feel like I am moving on with my life again.

This weekend, take a moment to sit down in a quiet, calm space, and reflect on your life as it is right now. Make a list of 5 things you are grateful for. Even if everything is in shambles and you feel lost and alone, I guarantee you can think of something. It can be as simple as "the sun is shining today" or "i like the color of my nail polish" or "i made my bed today". Even the little things in life can be powerful.

My Last First Day of School

Phew! I am exhausted, and the day isn't even near being through!

So, I moved into my on-campus apartment on Friday. One of my roommates, Kelly, was here already. She is a junior transfer student majoring in Political Science. She has red hair and wears funky clothes and is totally awesome. We hit it off right away. Then, on Sunday, the other 2 girls moved in. Kristin is a junior Elementary Ed major who also does hurdles & the high jump in track. She is tall, blonde, and absolutely gorgeous. She is also such a sweet girl, and we had dinner together last night. Then there is Rebeka, who is a sophomore Environmental Science major. She has brown hair that is long and straight (down to her butt, seriously!), and she is a little shy but also really sweet. Last night, she and I and Kelly went to Charlie's Coffeehouse (where I work--tonight is wing night and I work from 7 til 10--free wings with any drink purchase. It is going to be so crowded ughh) for open mic night. We sat on couches and chatted, and it was really nice.

So, I am super relieved that my roommates and I seem to have hit it off, at least so far. I think it's going to be a really great semester.

Today, I had an appointment at the Counseling Center with my new therapist. I was super nervous, but she was great and really put me at ease. Next week I will start nutritional counseling as well. I really think this semester is going to be awesome.

I only had one class today--Women's Studies. There were about 30 women and 2 men in the class--haha! The teacher is a wild and crazy and outspoken woman but she has a great heart. I can't wait for the semester. I was browsing through the topics and eating disorders is something we will discuss. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I'm excited because I'm glad we're going to be covering an issue that is so important for women. But I'm nervous and anxious because what if something upsets me? And should I speak up about my experiences or keep quiet? I guess I'll have to just see how things go in the coming weeks.

Tomorrow I have a busy day. 2 classes during the day, and a night class (Cult Films--heck yes!) from 6:30-10pm! yikesss. I'm usually in my PJ's by 10! haha.

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So, this weekend was wild.
Over the top.
Seriously.
And you know what?

I'm weirdly ok with it.

Saturday night, I met up with a bunch of girls and we drank and went to 2 parties and then the bar. I also met a guy. I will call him J, for privacy's sake. He graduated already (Biomedical Engineering, smart AND cute--woo!), but from a different college. He was visiting some friends. Anyway, we ended up spending the whole night together, and he went with me from party to party and to the bar. Then he came back to my building with me....I won't go into details, but things may or may not have occurred. I admit that I woke up the next morning feeling a bit regretful, especially because I realize that, although we had great conversation the whole night and he seemed really awesome, all he probably wanted was sex. And he lives in another state and my chances of ever seeing him again are very slim. I feel like I let alcohol cloud my judgement and caused me to do something I normally take months with a person to do.

However, the plus side is this--I am so proud of myself for being confident enough in my body to bare it all in front of a man! Even if the alcohol made it happen, I still feel like I let myself enjoy the moment and for once, I wasn't worried about how I looked to him. After all, ladies, let's be honest--if you're naked with a guy, all he is thinking is "YES! I am the luckiest man alive right now! I have a naked girl in my room!" They aren't going to say "Oh you know what? Your boobs are two different sizes and you have love handles, so I think you should put your clothes back on and leave.". Believe me, men are a lot less critical of women's bodies than we ourselves are.

So, although I made a somewhat "skanky" choice this weekend, I realize that this is actually a big positive step for me in recovery. I allowed myself to drink without caring about calories, to go out and be social, and to allow a man to see my naked body without worrying what he would think. So, all sluttiness aside, GO ME!

Have you ever made a "risky" decision while drinking? Do you regret it, or did you learn to accept it and move on?

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I've probably shared WAY too much. Anyway, I'm off to grab dinner in the caf with a friend before heading to work.

I'm doing surprisingly well with the campus food. Last night, my roomie and I had pizza, and it was effing delicious. Did it have a lot of greasy, fatty calories? Uh yeah, probably. But does it really matter? Um, not really. It tasted good and satisfied my hunger, and that's all that matters.

Oh, and I woke up this morning to a surprise visit from Mother Nature--
that's right, I GOT MY PERIOD!
I literally have not gotten it in over a year. I almost screamed, out of shock or joy I'm not sure. But in any case, I am so happy.

It has been a busy but altogether satisfying few days. I hope the rest of my week goes well.

How are you all doing? I've been reading your blogs and I'm proud of so many of you for stepping outside your comfort zones and facing your fears.

My Last Semester Ever (at least, I hope so)

So, this is it.

All my backs are packed, I'm ready to go. Well, as ready as I'll ever be, anyway.

I watched my two darling boys Toby & Finley today one last time. Then, I had a splendid dinner on the porch with my parents--baked salmon, rice/quinoa, and steamed broccoli/cauliflower. Then, my dad and I packed up my little Volvo S40 with as much of my stuff as we could fit! (My parents will bring the rest of my stuff--like my mini-fridge--on Saturday).

Tomorrow, I drive myself the 2.5 hours to Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania, to move myself into my on-campus apartment for my last semester of college--hopefully EVER.

I am feeling nostalgic about the past 5 years of my life. So much has changed for me. There have been so many ups and downs. A year ago, I moved into college for what I thought would be my senior year. Little did I know, 3 weeks later I would be coming home, going into the hospital, and then staying home for a full year to attend treatment and get back on track.

So, am I a little nervous about going back to school tomorrow? Yes, of course. It will be the first time I've lived independently, without my parents around to check on my meals and make sure I do all my supplements. Yes, I lived independently my first 3 years of college, but the first 2 years were before my eating disorder, and the third year I quickly spiraled but was in denial. This will be my first time since attending treatment and gaining weight--and health--back that I have been living by myself and going to school full-time.

Luckily, I still have a lot of support. I have a therapist at school, as well as a nutritionist, plus I have my team here at home that I can call/visit at any time. I also will be keeping in frequent contact with my parents and friends from home. However, I am living in a single room, although I will be in a suite with 3 other girls--but I don't know any of them! I have a couple friends in nearby buildings, though, and they will be there for me if I need them.

I know that it is going to be incredibly difficult, and I know I'm going to have to keep my guard up, especially the first couple of weeks. It is so easy when no one is monitoring me for me to make excuses and cut corners, because that's exactly what happened a year ago. However, I think I'm in a much better place right now. Not only am I physically well, but I am mentally out of the obsessive-compulsive exercise/calorie-counting stage. I can't remember the last time I counted my calories, and today when I was packing up my car, I realized that it was the first time I've broken a sweat in months! Besides stretching and walking around the mall, I honestly have done ZERO activity. So, I know there's a state-of-the-art fitness facility at school where I can run for hours, and plenty of places where I can eat a salad with no dressing for dinner, but I know that I won't let that be my life again. Will I learn to handle light exercise a few days a week for wellness and health rather than calorie-burning? I hope so. Eventually. Can I still enjoy a salad with fresh vegetables sometimes? Yes, of course. But I know for a fact that this time around, I'll be hitting up that dessert bar too--free cookies and ice cream, here I come!

And as for my social life. I'm a legal adult, and there's nothing wrong with a shot of tequila now and again.

Anyway, I'll post again once I get settled so I can show you my new digs. Wish me luck...

***********************

P.S. Thought you might wanna see the evolution of me in college...especially my junior year in 2008-2009, when I started to spiral into ED's deadly grasp....

(*NOTE: If you are easily triggered by images, PLEASE skip this section)

August/September 2006: beginning of Freshman year, with my roommate Chelsea, who was British! (I'm on the left)

September 2007: beginning of sophomore year, with friends before going out (I'm on the far left)

September 2008: beginning of junior year with 2 of my 3 roommates (I'm in the middle). Still healthy at this point.

December 2008: End of 1st semester. Restricting & exercising more, but still a "healthy" BMI.

January 2009: Beginning of 2nd semester. Exercising daily & dramatically reducing caloric intake.

April 2009: End of junior year. Reach a scary low weight. Miserable and unhealthy.

June 2009: 21st birthday. Still underweight, but in beginning stages of recovery.

September 2009: Beginning of senior year. Rapidly lose weight. Shortly after this, I go to inpatient treatment.

November 2009: After being released from inpatient treatment and during intensive outpatient (IOP). This is on a family trip to visit my brother's military base (hence the flight gear).

March 2010: Me and P (yes, the one I've been sporadically emailing) at a wedding. In a good, solid point in my recovery. Completely outpatient.

August 2010: me a few weeks ago at the beach, with Toby on my lap.

So, It's been very up and down, as you can see. But, I think I'm ready.

No, scratch that.

I know I'm ready this time.

I won't come home (ok ok, I'll visit--duh!) until I have that diploma in my hands in December.

Back in College!

So, I'm not sure how busy I'll get once my classes really get under way, but I figured I'd post yet again to let you all know how my first week went! I want to try to become a more regular blogger.

So, Monday I arrived on campus very early--around 2pm--even though my Philosophy 101 class didn't start til 3:30. I wanted to make sure I got a decent parking spot--which I did!--and then pick up my books from the bookstore. I made my way through the throngs of students into the bookstore and picked up my order, then carried the box back to my car. Since I still had an hour til my class began, I walked around a bit and took in the sights of campus. A lot of construction is going on at the moment so it's not exactly picturesque, but I felt right at home being among college students again. Being at another school is really weird, though, and makes me miss Susquehanna even more. I went there for almost 4 years, and plan on returning there in the fall, so it really is "my" school, and I can't help but feel a bit like an "outsider" at Towson.

Anyway, back to the classes:

Philosophy on Monday wasn't too exciting--the professor "couldn't make it", so he sent another teacher to hand out the syllabus. It took about 10 minutes and then we left! Wednesday the teacher was there, and it actually seems like it's going to be an interesting class. We are reading Plato's "Theatetus" at the moment, which isn't exactly simple to understand!

Tuesday and Thursday I had 20th Century American Novel at 2pm, and I really really love the teacher! The book list is great, and we are only required to write two 6-8 page papers, and that's it! No midterm or final!

Tuesday night I had Film & Lit from 3:30 to 6:10. It's a LOOOONG class, and although she gave us a ten minute break, I was antsy! It's been months since I was a student, and I forgot how uncomfortable it can be to sit in a classroom for so long!

Anyway, I have talked to a few people and there seem to be some nice kids in my classes. I like finally having something stimulating to do and even homework isn't so bad (I say that now, but talk to me in 2 weeks and I'll prob be freaking out and stressed!). I'm kind of a geek at heart, and I also like to be busy, and I think this schedule is perfect for me. I get to be a part of a college community, take a few stimulating but not too incredibly stressful, and I still have time for social stuff and--of course--the all-time-consuming process of anorexia recovery!

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Speaking of recovery, it's admittedly not going too wonderfully at the moment. I lost a little bit of weight at my weigh-in, which means that I basically haven't made any tangible progress in the weight department in 2 months! That is really just unacceptable. I know in my heart that I'm not working hard enough. I know that I act disappointed when the number doesn't budge on the scale, but secretly I am sighing with relief that it hasn't gone up. I am fooling my family, therapist, and nutritionist into thinking I am truly giving it my all, when I know deep down I'm not. Part of me is ashamed to admit this on my blog, but I realize that a lot of you can probably relate to what I'm saying. I don't want to single anyone out, but I sometimes read blogs and can tell when they post things like "Oh no! I lost weight! This is awful!", they are actually pleased with themselves and part of me thinks maybe they post these things so their ED can "brag" to other bloggers--the whole ED competitiveness thing. I'm not saying this is true of everyone, but it's just something I've noticed in blogland. And I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm guilty of this from time and again too. My eating disorder is incredibly competitive and comparative, and I am constantly competing with others--in blogland and in real life.

I hope you all aren't upset by my frankness and honesty in this post. I really am going to try harder this week, and my goal is to gain 2 pounds by Wednesday. I know I can do it if I am just 100% honest with myself, my family, and my treatment team. I need to stop letting this disorder ruin my life. I want to graduate from college, live on my own, have a family, and have a career, and I can't do any of these things if I am held down by my eating disorder.

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I'm off to do some reading and go to sleep--no class tomorrow, so I might visit my friends at SU! Otherwise, I'll probably have a low-key weekend with the 'rents, as usual.

I'm still reading your blogs, so keep writing! :-)

What a LONG WEEK!

Well, week one of senior year of college = completed!

And I may not be doing amazingly, but I'm alive!

Basically, there have been a LOT of ups and downs this week. Moving in went well, and our house looks even MORE amazing than before because we got new furniture. The roomies and I have been getting along SO well, and I've reconnected with old friends. I have gone to the bar 4 times in the past week which is pretty good for being social, I'd have to say! And ordered drinks! Usually I think of alcohol as too many empty calories and blah blah, but you know what? A drink or 2 won't hurt! I'm 21, it's my last year of college, I'm supposed to live it up!


Classes have been pretty good, for once. I am doing an independent writing study and a research project for psychology, and I also have a portfolio class that prepares me for applying to jobs and grad schools. Then I have an Indian Lit & Film class taught by an adorable little woman named Rachana Sachdev. So it's pretty engaging and fun academics-wise (yes, I'm a nerd and not ashamed!). Yes, it will be hard work and it will be stressful, but I'm ENJOYING the work, so it's worth it.


Here's the cons:


ED has been creepin' on in more than I'd prefer. I also started a new anti-anxiety med which was supposed to help me sleep, but has had the exact opposite effect. I wake up at least once every night and can't get back to sleep for a long time. It's awful! So, lack of sleep usually means Coco isn't thinking straight, is more emotional, and is more likely to give into ED.


I have been making all of my own meals and don't have a meal plan, and it's tough. It's also tough because my 3 roommates are all either trying to lose weight or naturally don't eat much (one roomie will have a couple wheat thins and call it dinner), so ED has been making me feel SO guilty for eating. Which has resulted in an alarming weight loss. I won't post numbers, but I am at home right now because I had an appointment with my therapist, and she weighed me and it's lower than it has been for months.


This scares me. If I don't gain 2 pounds by next Saturday (a WEEK!), Anne told me I may need to re-evaluate school. It's so frustrating though because I actually feel happy there. I have been bonding with my friends and enjoying my studies. It's so HARD. And I keep forgetting to add extra food to make up for the fact that I walk to campus and then walk from class to class, and have a job where I'm standing for hours.


GAH!


But you know what, I'm glad I got this "wake-up call" and that Anne was really frank about how concerned she is. I can't keep restricting. I can't keep exercising. I can't keep doing this to myself or I will never recover, physically OR mentally. So, I had ice cream today and bostom cream pie and I am drinking an Ensure and having a Luna bar right now. I know I can't undo the damage overnight, but starting right now, I am going to really put my heart and soul into recovery. Even if it means focusing less on school and my social life. I have a 3.7 GPA or something insane like that (ED perfectionism, anyone?!), so it doesn't even matter if I get all C's this semester--I'd probably still have a 3.5 at graduation!


Here are some goals for this week:


*bring snacks with me ANY TIME I LEAVE THE HOUSE. Yes, I may have to get up earlier to make a PB&J and pack some trail mix, but this is what needs to be done.
*eat with my roommates without comparing myself to them. They are already at healthy weights (or a bit above), so obviously they're not going to want to eat a weight-gainer diet. I am actively recovering and gaining, so I need to do what's best for me without worrying about them.
*limit exercise to NO CARDIO whatsoever, only light yoga and walking to and from class. That's IT.
*the next time ED wants me to choose the "lower-calorie" or "healthier" option between 2 food choices, I am going to laugh in his face and choose what I WANT, regardless of calories or "health". I'm sick of all these bloggers with their organic this and tofu that...don't get me wrong, I love me some good organic fruits and tofu stir-fry, but I want to be able to be a NORMAL person at a birthday party by taking a damn slice of store-bought, "unhealthy", "processed" cake! Eating that stuff isn't gonna kill me and is delicious every once in awhile, so why not. I eat such a healthy diet most of the time that a few Oreos or Cheese balls here and there aren't going to do anything.


Sorry to rant.


Ok, well, talk to you guys soon. Sorry my posting is sporadic. I still read all your blogs daily though!

Today is the Day...

Today I pack up my car and head back to Susquehanna University for GOOD. For my SENIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE.

Where has the time gone?

I am scared, nervous, anxious, excited, happy, sad, all at once. I know I am in a much better place now mentally, but I still need to keep my guard up and make sure I do what's best for my health and continue to put recovery first. I used to use school and studying as an excuse to not eat, etc. (sooo lame, I know), but not this time!

And, someone very wise told me to not only nourish my body, but my mind and soul as well. When I look back on my senior year of college, I don't want it to be how focused on calories and exercise I was, or how many extra credit projects I completed. I want to look back and think about the times I spent with the people who mean the most to me. I want to look back and be proud that I followed my heart and my passions, and that I found a purpose other than being the "thin one". I don't need to be the skinniest girl in the room. I just need to be ME. And that's what I plan on doing this semester.

Wish me luck, ladies! I'm sure I'll be blogging often anyway, as my schedule is pretty kickass (as in, my FIRST class on some days isn't until 3pm! muahaha being a senior kicks butt!).

I've been having a hard time with weight gain recently, but I know I can't slip again. I don't WANT to, first of all, and second, I am coming home every Saturday to meet w/ my counselor, who will weigh me. I want to gain the weight back and kick ED's bootay so I can go on living my life and conquering my dreams!!!