I've been stood up... :-(

So, I am sitting on my couch in my PJ's and glasses, eating the "Friend-z" choc/vanilla twist ice cream w/ reese's cups mixed in that I bought at Friendly's 8 minutes before closing time ALONE because, yes you guessed it ladies, I've been stood up. By a girl, no less! 

So, here's what happened....

Today started out as a much better day. Met w/ the nutritionist, browsed @ the mall, made some tasty chicken and rice and corn on the cob for dinner, and journaled on a park bench near the duck pond that I can walk to from my house. The sun was shining, everything felt great, and my friend Catherine, who I've known since age 3, wanted to get drinks at the Greene Turtle around 9pm. I was super excited because I haven't seen her since April and also I've never been to the Greene Turtle, but I hear it's a fun hangout and I really was looking forward to it. She was supposed to get done w/ her Bible study @ 9 and then call me when she was heading over (yes, Bible study and then drinks, don't ask me why lol).

So I put on an adorable little maxi dress and dried my hair and did my makeup and even found old pictures of Catherine and I throughout childhood that I could bring. And I even convinced myself that I was going to either order a lush daquiri-type drink or a dessert w/ a beer or glass of wine. I was ALL set.

So 9:00 passes, then 9:30. I call her. No answer. 9:45, then 10. I call again. No answer. 10:15 I text. No response. FINALLY, when I was heading upstairs to get in my pajamas and call it a night, she calls me. Giving me some lame excuse about her phone dying and not having my number and how she went to the bar and I wasn't there and it's too late now and she's so tired and could we reschedule and she'll call me Thursday after work IF she has enough time and she feels bad but she's so busy lately.

Needless to say, I was pissed. If she had really cared, she would've just come to my house and knocked on the door rather than sit at the Greene Turtle for half an hour (which I'm kind of doubting she even did). Also, our parents work together, so she could have easily asked her mom for our home number. 

In any case, I realized something. I got off the phone and my mom was in the room and she goes "Why were you so nice to her? You should've SHOWN her you were upset!". And that's when I realized it--I'm the biggest pushover EVER. I was all "Oh it's ok" and "I understand you're busy" and "No big deal" and "Sure we can reschedule". I should've told her I didn't appreciate waiting around for her ass to decide I was worth calling.

So I made a decision. Catherine made me realize that I need to make myself happy before anyone else. And if someone upsets me, I shouldn't let them walk all over me anymore. So, I took myself out for ice cream. Ok ok, maybe a recovering ED person shouldn't be using food as an emotional therapy, but f*** it! I got my period tonight and I wanted some chocolate! And I REFUSE to look up how many calories are in this bad boy, because I'm sure my ED would scream.

BUT I do need to gain weight. The nutritionist is a bit worried b/c I haven't really gained in like a month! I haven't lost, but I haven't gained. Sooo now I might be a smoothie-drinking machine in the next few weeks. I want to gain at least 5 more pounds before I move into my college apartment on August 1. That's one month. That's a pound a week. It'll be hard, especially because my body seems to just burn everything I give it. It's insane! I eat and eat and eat and don't gain! 

So, instead of letting ED make me feel guilty for eating this delicious and rather unhealthy ice cream from Friendly's, I'm going to enjoy it. Thoroughly and fully ENJOY it.

Ok, sorry for my rant. Thanks for all your support ladies. Seriously, this blog is what keeps me going sometimes. I love reading about your lives and feeling reassured that I'm not the only one with these damn thoughts running through my head. And you all also inspire me because I can see how much progress you have made, and it makes me want to work that much harder. 

I'll do another more interesting post another day. Maybe once something interesting happens! haha. Tomorrow I might go to the Antiques Mall, which is a HUGE building where different vendors sell antiques. Anything from clothes to books to furniture to knick-knacks and everything in between. Hoping to find cool things for my new house. I'll try to snap some pics and post them!

Au revoir for now. 

Keep on fighting, girls! 

long time no blog! Also, survey...

Hi everyone!

I've been on a hiatus recently because this weekend I went up to Selinsgrove, PA to hang out with one of my roommates, celebrate being 21 for the 2nd weekend in a row, and see our off-campus house that we're renting this year!

14 N. High Street!!!

It ended up being a wonderful weekend, especially with overcoming some major ED issues. Friday night, Lauren and I got settled into our apartment and then drove to her friend's place in Bloomsburg to go out to the bars.

We ended up having the time of our lives! Yes, I drank WAY too much ($1 vodka and cranberry's, what can I say), and YES I probably embarrassed myself with our karaoke-ing (some MJ, in honor of his death, as well as the thong song and some janis joplin--random, right?!), but I had SUCH a fun time. Guys even seemed interested in me! And I wasn't counting calories with every sip. I was just enjoying LIFE, and 21-ness, and being young and freeee! And I sure enjoyed the 3am Pizza and the eggs, cinnamon raisin bagel, and hash browns at the diner the next morning. hehe.

Saturday, we were planning on going out in Selinsgrove, but we were so hung over from the night before, Lauren and I just met up with my friend Billie for a late dinner at Applebee's. I got a Mudslide for a dessert. It was insane:

Lauren's dessert shooter, my ENORMOUS mudslide--vanilla ice cream, kahlua, whipped cream & chocolate sauce--, and Billie's "mile high ice cream pie"

Then, Lauren and I returned to our furniture-less apartment and slept on the floor (I used my sweatshirt as a pillow--needless to say, I am ready for my own bed tonight!) and watched "13 Going on 30". It was a fun weekend, and even though the other girls couldn't make it, I really enjoyed spending quality time with Lauren. She is so understanding of my situation and is so supportive. I love her! Then this morning we cleaned the eerily empty house, washed some of the dishes, and tried to get the few items we had brought in order! I'm a bit nervous b/c I am going to be moving in before the other 3 since I'm working at a camp in August. So I'll be alone for 2 whole weeks in that big old 4-bedroom, 2-bathroom house!!! Maybe it'll be fun....muahahaha.

Anyway, Tori tagged me to do this survey thing, So here you go!

Here is where I typeee:

2006 macbook w/ classy pink case & fairy sticker, aka love of my life! Usually I sit at the kitchen table. Sometimes I move to the couch cause it's cozy.

What are you wearing right now?
ooh, this is embarrassing--my PJ's, which consists of blue boxers, a grey NAVY t-shirt, and my baggy SU sweatshirt, plus moccassins.

What's the last thing you read/are currently reading?
Finished "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" by Kim Edwards, and am currently working on "Gaining" by Aimee Liu.

Do you nap a lot?
occassionally.

Who was the last person you hugged?
My mom! We got in a fight over dark chocolate squares (long story) and then she felt bad so we made up.

What's your current obsession/addiction?
alcohol, chocolate (PMS maybe?), cooking

What's for dinner?
grilled chicken, au gratin potatoes, corn (pretty basic). But I had a chocolate Blizzard w/ Reese's for lunch (balanced, right?)

What was the last thing you bought?
food and alcohol. terrible.

What are you listening to right now?
my dad playing "here comes the sun" on his guitar. he's really good! :-)

If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
to be able to go to another time period and just chill out.

What is your favorite weather and why?
warm with a slight breeze. because it feels amazing, why else?

What is your most challenging goal right now?
remembering to KEEP EATING. and to NOT FEEL GUILTY. and to realize that it's OK that I eat wayyyy more than my friends...and family...and the whole world. or so it feels like sometimes lol

Favorite pair of shoes that you keep going back to over and over again even though you have a zillion others?
moccassins, brown flip flops, Nike sneakers.

Name one thing you can't live without?
music. pen and paper. my cat.

What time is bedtime?
whenever i feel like it. lately, around 12. tonight, probably 9. lol

If there was one place you could be right now, where would it be?
Disney World, or maybe on a beach or something. Who knows!

This is so sad, because I don't know how to tag people....new to the blogging world, I apologize!

Curls

So, here was one of today's random experiments:

Before....

                                                                   And after!

The reason I look so shocked is because it turned out very curly and a little weird! But it was just for fun. I was cleaning out my bathroom the other day and found those cloth rollers from the good old days when my mom would do my hair for me at night and I'd sleep on it and wake up and take them out and go to school all bouncalicious. Did anyone else's mom do that? Another one of my favorites when I was younger was to have my mom put little braids in all my hair all over. It was kind of gangster, even though I was a skinny white girl from the suburbs.

Speaking of hair, it is so frustrating that my hair is obviously a LOT thinner. I used to have such thick hair that it was almost unmanageable! In fact, any time I ever got a hair cut or got an updo for a prom or something, the stylist would always comment on my gorgeous thick tresses. My prom updo used a total of I believe it was 120+ bobby pins! 

Haven't gotten compliments on my hair in a long time. It is so silly for me to be so concerned about my hair when recovering from ED because obviously other aspects of my health are much more important, but still. I just want my old self back in every way.

Thanks to those of you who commented. I need to learn to just listen to my body and give it what it wants. I'm definitely making progress!

So, tomorrow night 3 of my friends from high school, Sasha, Trisha, and Kristen, are accompanying me to Baltimore's Inner Harbor, which is about 30-50 minutes from me, depending on traffic, to celebrate my 21st birthday. We're staying at the Waterfront Marriott hotel, and then the plan is to get a late dinner somewhere (maybe Little Italy!!!) and then go out to a bar or pub or something afterwards, since I technically am not 21 until midnight. Luckily, most places are open until 2, some even later.

Today I was searching for some good restaurants that would be fun, affordable, and have a good atmosphere that we can go to while in the city. Looking at the menus online, I realized that I was more concerned with looking at the gorgeous food and drinks, and was actually looking on the menu for something that sounded tasty, NOT searching for calorie content or trying to find the "safest" or "healthiest" choice on the menu. I sure as hell am not going to go to a restaurant in Little Italy and not get a big bowl of pasta! Or go to P.F. Chang's and not get some fried rice and Szechuan shrimp! I realized today that it's OK to let yourself go sometimes. Hell, all the time. I really believe that people should allow themselves to eat what they want when they want it, within reason. Obviously, if you're in the mood for cheese curls, you probably shouldn't eat the whole bag. But a nice generous portion won't hurt. Because I realized that my "binges" lately are mostly a result of my underfeeding myself during the day. It's mostly unconscious, honestly, which scares me. It is SO scary how sneaky ED can be. 

But that's part of the reason I experimented with the rollers today. I took a nice, long, hot shower in my parents room because my DAD--yes, my dad and not my mom lol--has some pretty awesome Burt's Bees shampoo in there that he uses! HA! And after my shower, I slathered on some wonderful Aveeno lotion, and decided to spend some time pampering my little booty with the curlers and some makeup. I hardly ever wear makeup, especially since the ED (my staple outfit last semester was--you guessed it--SU sweats, EVERY day), but it felt nice to treat myself. I also laid outside in my bikini and finished reading "The Memory Keeper's Daughter", by Kim Edwards. Not my absolute favorite, but still really good.

Speaking of books, does anyone have any recommendations? I am a Creative Writing and Psychology major, and for my writing independent study, I have chosen to "chronicle" my experiences with anorexia nervosa via memoir/journal entries as well as poetry, my forte. I also someday wish to work as a counselor for girls with ED. I have heard of a few books written by ED survivors, such as "Gaining" by Aimee Liu and "A Very Hungry Girl" by Jessica Weiner. I am thinking of getting them out of the library and reading them, but I wanted to know if anyone else had read them and whether they'd be worth it. I'm also worried about it maybe upsetting/triggering me? Any thoughts? But part of the independent study is to not only write our projects, but to read several books that relate. So I thought those might.

Might start reading "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs. It's about his struggle with alcoholism, which in a way isn't so far from EDs at all. 

Wow, I've written way too much. But it's 9:30 pm and I'm bored and my parents went out dancing (they are too cute, really. They take private lessons doing anything from swing to salsa!), so I am left to my own devices. *sigh*

Ok, I'll be sure to post lots of pictures after my birthday weekend!!!!