Adieu for now, ladies!

So, I am leaving tomorrow afternoon to move back into my house at school. I called the cable company to set up a time for internet and cable installation, but the earliest they can come is Monday, August 10th. Sooo I'll be living all by myself in a 4-bedroom, 2 bathroom house with no TV or internet for a week out of the 2 that I'm there. At first I was freaking out, but I think it could be a really positive thing. Sometimes I feel like we depend too much on technology to keep us occupied, so this just means I'll have to be a little more creative. Plus, I am working at a creative writing camp for kids in the mornings from 8-12:30 each day, and I'll have internet access there (so maybe I'll be able to do a quick post or two). Also, I live right next to the public library and within walking distance of campus, so anytime I am super bored, or if I start to miss you guys too much and want some blog lovin', I can walk on over to campus and get online!

So anyway, let me back up a little and tell you about my week. It's been pretty boring, to be honest, and kind of difficult mentally. I feel like I take 5 steps back for every 1 step forward. But at least that means I'm still overall moving in a positive direction, however slowly it may be.

Wednesday was my weigh-in with Courtney, and also my therapy session with Anne that my mom decided to attend with me. First, the weigh-in: I barely gained. Not even half a pound. I admitted to her that I probably haven't been eating enough. She told me to increase to 3 Ensure Pluses a day, and to add some more snacks. I don't know why, but it's been SO hard for me to eat lately without feeling terrible about myself! (Oh, wait. Could the reason possibly be that I have an ED? hahaha.) Sorry, I'm a bit sleepy.

But I am just struggling because I keep going back and forth. I'm happy to be gaining but when I see the number rise I freak out. I enjoy delicious food but after I eat I feel fat and guilty and worthless. It's difficult for me, and some days I don't even want to make lunch because I struggle so much with deciding what to make and how much and what I should drink and whether or not I should have a snack. I was doing so well for awhile, and now I feel like I am ruminating wayyy too much on food.

But I am hoping this 2-week stint where I have a job and am living on my own and cooking my own meals will be a good test for me. A good test of strength. I have already typed up a list of goals and positive affirmations to hang in my room. And I have lots of lists of meal and snack ideas Courtney gave me that I put in a binder. And 2 brand-new cookbooks that I can't wait to break open! I WILL conquer this. I also forced myself to make plans with friends for during the 2 weeks so that I stay sane and social and connected. And so I EAT enough. I am going to my roommate's house next weekend for Musikfest, which is this awesome music festival with lots of drinking and music (duh) and people selling crafts and just lots of fun things. So, I'm really excited about that.

Ok so this is longer than I thought. But let me get back to my week. So, the meeting w/ my mom was pretty pointless. She was so concerned with making herself look good to Anne that she lied out of her ass and I kept my mouth shut because I don't even have the energy or even care enough anymore to fight her. Even tonight, she was in a bad mood after a long day at work and she just says things to purposely trigger me. I can't wait to get away. My dad agrees. He said I need to get away from her. Tonight, she was all stressed out trying to decide what to wear to some family reunion my parents are going to (I can't go b/c of the camp), and she just kept making negative comments about how "fat" she is and about wanting to look younger, etc etc. and my dad and I were getting annoyed. And I told her that she should be more focused on how she feels and on having a fun time and that it isn't all about appearances and that she'll look great no matter what and that nobody is going to think she looks old or fat. 

And she said "Life IS all about appearances. Whoever says it isn't is just lying.  All people care about is how you look." and continued on and on with words like these. Here I am, a recovering anorexic, finally realizing there is so much more to life than a number on a scale or how your hair looks or what outfit you have on, and she goes and rains on my parade. *sigh*

Oh well. Anyway, I am determined this time to make this work and to push the negative thoughts away and replace them with positive ones. Today I was going to push myself to take a run, but I realized I was too tired and sore and so I didn't. I didn't exercise at all. And I probably won't tomorrow either. Even though I went out to dinner tonight and will tomorrow. And guess what? I didn't grow 8 chins and I didn't die or anything! ED is so silly and irrational sometimes, and I think I'm finally able to counter those thoughts with more productive ones. Yes, the negativity still lurks, but I'm learning to fight back.

The rest of my week has been a bit droll and boring, but I'm ok with it. I am getting lots of reading and writing done, and will probably do a lot more in these next 2 weeks. And I think working with kids will be fun, and I'll be making a little bit of money and keeping myself occupied, if only for a few hours.

This post is so ridiculously long, and I apologize. Hopefully I'll be posting soon! Adios ladies! 

Oh, how I miss Paris....

leisurely strolls to the Eiffel Tower...

visiting Claude Monet's home...

experiencing the majesty of God...

standing at the base of the Arc du Triomphe...

fountains and beautiful gardens and castles....

& luscious pastries galore...

Just a handful of the splendid experiences I miss from my trip to France......

BACK TO REALITY!.....

Ok, so, thank you all SO INCREDIBLY MUCH for your kind words of support and encouragement on my last post. And thanks also for kicking some sense back into me! I WILL beat this thing, and I have already come so far, and I am NOT fat, and I probably never will be. 

Saturday night made things a whole lot better. Once again, I would post pictures but my camera cord is at school. So, when I move in this weekend (THIS WEEKEND! I can't believe it!!!), I will be sure to post some. Except, we haven't set up our cable or internet in our new house, so I may be MIA for a few days next week til it all gets worked out.

Ok so SATURDAY NIGHT:

Originally a group of girls was going to go out and drink and dance, but it ended up being just my friend Kristen (one of the girls from my 21st birthday bash) and I. And actually, it was really really nice just the two of us. She goes to UMBC (University of Maryland Baltimore County), and I met up with her at her apartment, which is only 30 minutes from my house. I met her roommates' 4 adorable little kittens, and then Kristen took me to this place for a late, swanky dinner:

http://www.therumormillrestaurant.com/

It's a Japanese Fusion bar, and I got a shrimp teriyaki bowl with veggies and rice, and a Ninja to drink--it was divine! The "Ninja" includes: Van Gogh Double Espresso Vodka, Creme de Menthe, Creme de Cacao, and a splash of cream. Basically, it tasted like mint chocolate chip ice cream with a twist. We also split the Banana Wontons for dessert, which are fried wontons with banana, chocolate, brown sugar, and cinnamon inside, topped with chocolate sauce and served with Kahlua espresso ice cream! Needless to say, I felt very well-fed and satisfied.

After our meal, the rain was letting up (thank goodness!), so we drove into Baltimore city for a night on the town. Our first choice, Fells Point, seemed lame--there were people my parents' age at all the bars! We quickly changed our minds and went back to Federal Hill, where we had spent my birthday. We spent our whole night, from 11pm to 2am, at Mad River Bar and Grille! It was amazing!!!

I felt SO much better about myself. I wore the black and white dress I posted pics of before, and I actually felt pretty. Men bought us drinks, men danced with us, and 2 British boys invited us back to the Holiday Inn with them (we went, which was stupid, but then left right away because it was super sketchy and Kristen and I are NOT sluts. Flirts, yes, but sluts, no! haha).

All in all, Saturday night was fabulous. I was SO happy that I drank (I still have a weird complex about caloric beverages, alcoholic or otherwise, and am still trying to overcome this by trading my usual Diet Soda at lunch for a glass of juice or lemonade). I drank vodka and cranberry, which in my ED days would have been considered WAY too caloric. I also had a shot of sweet tea Firefly vodka (paid for by a man named Alex who was supposedly "24" but I think was probably 30 hahaha), and also had a gin and tonic.

Sunday, I paid for it though. I was feeling suuuper hung over for the first time since my birthday! I am going to try not to make binge-drinking a habit at school. Yes, going out to the clubs and dancing is (and was!) super-fun, but I am going to try to pace myself more. Plus, I'm spunky even when I'm sober, and totally not afraid to dance like an idiot even if I haven't had a drop of alcohol. So my goal when the semester starts is to limit drinking to the weekends, and to never have more than 3 drinks in one "sitting". I think this is reasonable. I can still get "tipsy" and have fun and dance, but I won't be feeling like crap the whole next day.

Sunday, my parents and I went shoe shopping and I bought this ridiculous pair of SILVER 4-inch heels that I plan on strutting my stuff in at the bar. WOO! They were $19 on sale, and something VERY outside of my comfort zone, but I figured why not! You only live once, right??

I also took a 2-mile jog with my dad, which I haven't really done in awhile. It was nice, but I definitely am kind of "out of shape". Oh well. I need to focus on getting to a healthier, happier body weight before I stress myself out about my pathetic 9-minute-mile pace.

I am going to try to be positive this week. It's my last few days at home, so I am spending my days packing, doing yoga, reading and writing, collaging, and getting everything ready for school. I want to enjoy my last few days of boringness. I've been complaining all summer about boredom, but now that work is right around the corner, I want to put on the brakes and take some time to relax!!!!!

Hope you all take some time to relax, as well. 

Thanks for everything. You ladies have changed my life, and in some ways, even saved it. I am incredibly thankful for the support of this community of beautiful, strong, intelligent women. 

Do something for YOURSELF today!

How Can My Mood Change so Quickly???

I need encouragement, my friends. BIG TIME.

I don't even know how to explain it, but I feel absolutely HORRIBLE about myself. It started yesterday. I restricted during the day and at the concert (which was fun except for the hour-long thunderstorm that postponed the concert for awhile and everyone ran for cover) my "dinner" was a very unsatisfying ice cream sundae and half a soft pretzel. Then of course John Mellencamp's violinist had to be this skeletally thin woman who was clearly actively anorexic. And my rational voice said "EW! Aren't you glad you don't look like that anymore?" But then my ED voice kicked in and was comparing myself to her and wishing I could be like that again. And I started getting hungry and LIKING the feeling of hunger. What the heck is wrong with me? I am insane. Who LIKES being hungry?!

Then we got home at midnight and I was REALLY hungry so I basically binged for an hour on milkshakes and cereal and peanut butter and gulped down 2 Ensures, which I don't think is safe. Then felt even more terrible about myself so this morning I took a run (albeit I only went like a mile, but I pushed myself way too hard, especially because I've been feeling sick lately).

Then realized I was hungry after the run so I had a fried egg, toast with butter, a huge bowl of cereal, a Luna bar, and a foamy mocha cappuccino drink that has like a billion calories. And now I feel shitty again.

What is my deal??? (NOTE: I am about to post numbers. Just a warning in case it is triggering.....)

I am not even 110 yet, and my goal is to be 115 by Sept 1 and 120-125 is my final goal (sorry to post numbers, I know I shouldn't but I am because I need to rationalize things for myself).

If I am still over 5 pounds away from my SHORT-TERM goal and 10 pounds from my final goal, why do I feel so FAT? And yucky and gross and worthless?

I know, I know, an anorexic saying she's "fat". Typical. Silly. Illogical. STUPID.

 ED is kicking my butt lately, guys, and I just don't know what to do!

I restrict, then I binge, then I try to exercise to make myself feel better, then I binge again, then I'll probably restrict later. What is my problem???

AAAHHH. Sorry. You guys are probably gonna stop reading my blog because I've become utterly insane. I'm sorry....I just need support right now.