College Life

Oh, hey there.

Sorry I haven't been consistently posting, but for the first time since my ED, I've actually been living the dream. Staying out late, sleeping in, and eating delicious greasy college food.

...And drinking my weight in alcohol. Which a year ago I never would have allowed myself to do (too many calories and blah blah blah).

Last night I worked until midnight and still managed to have a great time afterwards. I've made so many new friends, and gotten closer to old ones as well. I've had so much fun since I moved in, and this is only just the beginning!

I think it's finally starting to click for me. Food doesn't have to be scary. It doesn't have to be the enemy. If I want an apple, I'll eat an apple. If I want a piece of cake, I'll eat a piece of cake. It's all about balance, people. Instead of depriving myself of the things I like, I'm learning to indulge in them--in moderation. Try it. Seriously. I used to be SO afraid that if I ate one cookie I'd eat the whole box. But that's not true. Our bodies know what they want. And if I do end up eating a few too many cookies (such as during an evening of drinking)? Oh well. It's not the end of the world.

Food is losing its power over me. I finally feel like I am moving on with my life again.

This weekend, take a moment to sit down in a quiet, calm space, and reflect on your life as it is right now. Make a list of 5 things you are grateful for. Even if everything is in shambles and you feel lost and alone, I guarantee you can think of something. It can be as simple as "the sun is shining today" or "i like the color of my nail polish" or "i made my bed today". Even the little things in life can be powerful.

My Last First Day of School

Phew! I am exhausted, and the day isn't even near being through!

So, I moved into my on-campus apartment on Friday. One of my roommates, Kelly, was here already. She is a junior transfer student majoring in Political Science. She has red hair and wears funky clothes and is totally awesome. We hit it off right away. Then, on Sunday, the other 2 girls moved in. Kristin is a junior Elementary Ed major who also does hurdles & the high jump in track. She is tall, blonde, and absolutely gorgeous. She is also such a sweet girl, and we had dinner together last night. Then there is Rebeka, who is a sophomore Environmental Science major. She has brown hair that is long and straight (down to her butt, seriously!), and she is a little shy but also really sweet. Last night, she and I and Kelly went to Charlie's Coffeehouse (where I work--tonight is wing night and I work from 7 til 10--free wings with any drink purchase. It is going to be so crowded ughh) for open mic night. We sat on couches and chatted, and it was really nice.

So, I am super relieved that my roommates and I seem to have hit it off, at least so far. I think it's going to be a really great semester.

Today, I had an appointment at the Counseling Center with my new therapist. I was super nervous, but she was great and really put me at ease. Next week I will start nutritional counseling as well. I really think this semester is going to be awesome.

I only had one class today--Women's Studies. There were about 30 women and 2 men in the class--haha! The teacher is a wild and crazy and outspoken woman but she has a great heart. I can't wait for the semester. I was browsing through the topics and eating disorders is something we will discuss. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I'm excited because I'm glad we're going to be covering an issue that is so important for women. But I'm nervous and anxious because what if something upsets me? And should I speak up about my experiences or keep quiet? I guess I'll have to just see how things go in the coming weeks.

Tomorrow I have a busy day. 2 classes during the day, and a night class (Cult Films--heck yes!) from 6:30-10pm! yikesss. I'm usually in my PJ's by 10! haha.

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So, this weekend was wild.
Over the top.
Seriously.
And you know what?

I'm weirdly ok with it.

Saturday night, I met up with a bunch of girls and we drank and went to 2 parties and then the bar. I also met a guy. I will call him J, for privacy's sake. He graduated already (Biomedical Engineering, smart AND cute--woo!), but from a different college. He was visiting some friends. Anyway, we ended up spending the whole night together, and he went with me from party to party and to the bar. Then he came back to my building with me....I won't go into details, but things may or may not have occurred. I admit that I woke up the next morning feeling a bit regretful, especially because I realize that, although we had great conversation the whole night and he seemed really awesome, all he probably wanted was sex. And he lives in another state and my chances of ever seeing him again are very slim. I feel like I let alcohol cloud my judgement and caused me to do something I normally take months with a person to do.

However, the plus side is this--I am so proud of myself for being confident enough in my body to bare it all in front of a man! Even if the alcohol made it happen, I still feel like I let myself enjoy the moment and for once, I wasn't worried about how I looked to him. After all, ladies, let's be honest--if you're naked with a guy, all he is thinking is "YES! I am the luckiest man alive right now! I have a naked girl in my room!" They aren't going to say "Oh you know what? Your boobs are two different sizes and you have love handles, so I think you should put your clothes back on and leave.". Believe me, men are a lot less critical of women's bodies than we ourselves are.

So, although I made a somewhat "skanky" choice this weekend, I realize that this is actually a big positive step for me in recovery. I allowed myself to drink without caring about calories, to go out and be social, and to allow a man to see my naked body without worrying what he would think. So, all sluttiness aside, GO ME!

Have you ever made a "risky" decision while drinking? Do you regret it, or did you learn to accept it and move on?

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I've probably shared WAY too much. Anyway, I'm off to grab dinner in the caf with a friend before heading to work.

I'm doing surprisingly well with the campus food. Last night, my roomie and I had pizza, and it was effing delicious. Did it have a lot of greasy, fatty calories? Uh yeah, probably. But does it really matter? Um, not really. It tasted good and satisfied my hunger, and that's all that matters.

Oh, and I woke up this morning to a surprise visit from Mother Nature--
that's right, I GOT MY PERIOD!
I literally have not gotten it in over a year. I almost screamed, out of shock or joy I'm not sure. But in any case, I am so happy.

It has been a busy but altogether satisfying few days. I hope the rest of my week goes well.

How are you all doing? I've been reading your blogs and I'm proud of so many of you for stepping outside your comfort zones and facing your fears.

My Last Semester Ever (at least, I hope so)

So, this is it.

All my backs are packed, I'm ready to go. Well, as ready as I'll ever be, anyway.

I watched my two darling boys Toby & Finley today one last time. Then, I had a splendid dinner on the porch with my parents--baked salmon, rice/quinoa, and steamed broccoli/cauliflower. Then, my dad and I packed up my little Volvo S40 with as much of my stuff as we could fit! (My parents will bring the rest of my stuff--like my mini-fridge--on Saturday).

Tomorrow, I drive myself the 2.5 hours to Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania, to move myself into my on-campus apartment for my last semester of college--hopefully EVER.

I am feeling nostalgic about the past 5 years of my life. So much has changed for me. There have been so many ups and downs. A year ago, I moved into college for what I thought would be my senior year. Little did I know, 3 weeks later I would be coming home, going into the hospital, and then staying home for a full year to attend treatment and get back on track.

So, am I a little nervous about going back to school tomorrow? Yes, of course. It will be the first time I've lived independently, without my parents around to check on my meals and make sure I do all my supplements. Yes, I lived independently my first 3 years of college, but the first 2 years were before my eating disorder, and the third year I quickly spiraled but was in denial. This will be my first time since attending treatment and gaining weight--and health--back that I have been living by myself and going to school full-time.

Luckily, I still have a lot of support. I have a therapist at school, as well as a nutritionist, plus I have my team here at home that I can call/visit at any time. I also will be keeping in frequent contact with my parents and friends from home. However, I am living in a single room, although I will be in a suite with 3 other girls--but I don't know any of them! I have a couple friends in nearby buildings, though, and they will be there for me if I need them.

I know that it is going to be incredibly difficult, and I know I'm going to have to keep my guard up, especially the first couple of weeks. It is so easy when no one is monitoring me for me to make excuses and cut corners, because that's exactly what happened a year ago. However, I think I'm in a much better place right now. Not only am I physically well, but I am mentally out of the obsessive-compulsive exercise/calorie-counting stage. I can't remember the last time I counted my calories, and today when I was packing up my car, I realized that it was the first time I've broken a sweat in months! Besides stretching and walking around the mall, I honestly have done ZERO activity. So, I know there's a state-of-the-art fitness facility at school where I can run for hours, and plenty of places where I can eat a salad with no dressing for dinner, but I know that I won't let that be my life again. Will I learn to handle light exercise a few days a week for wellness and health rather than calorie-burning? I hope so. Eventually. Can I still enjoy a salad with fresh vegetables sometimes? Yes, of course. But I know for a fact that this time around, I'll be hitting up that dessert bar too--free cookies and ice cream, here I come!

And as for my social life. I'm a legal adult, and there's nothing wrong with a shot of tequila now and again.

Anyway, I'll post again once I get settled so I can show you my new digs. Wish me luck...

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P.S. Thought you might wanna see the evolution of me in college...especially my junior year in 2008-2009, when I started to spiral into ED's deadly grasp....

(*NOTE: If you are easily triggered by images, PLEASE skip this section)

August/September 2006: beginning of Freshman year, with my roommate Chelsea, who was British! (I'm on the left)

September 2007: beginning of sophomore year, with friends before going out (I'm on the far left)

September 2008: beginning of junior year with 2 of my 3 roommates (I'm in the middle). Still healthy at this point.

December 2008: End of 1st semester. Restricting & exercising more, but still a "healthy" BMI.

January 2009: Beginning of 2nd semester. Exercising daily & dramatically reducing caloric intake.

April 2009: End of junior year. Reach a scary low weight. Miserable and unhealthy.

June 2009: 21st birthday. Still underweight, but in beginning stages of recovery.

September 2009: Beginning of senior year. Rapidly lose weight. Shortly after this, I go to inpatient treatment.

November 2009: After being released from inpatient treatment and during intensive outpatient (IOP). This is on a family trip to visit my brother's military base (hence the flight gear).

March 2010: Me and P (yes, the one I've been sporadically emailing) at a wedding. In a good, solid point in my recovery. Completely outpatient.

August 2010: me a few weeks ago at the beach, with Toby on my lap.

So, It's been very up and down, as you can see. But, I think I'm ready.

No, scratch that.

I know I'm ready this time.

I won't come home (ok ok, I'll visit--duh!) until I have that diploma in my hands in December.