goodbye ed, hello me

Hola, Chicas!

The title of my post is inspired by Jenni Schaefer's new book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life! You all probably know her as the author of the infamous ED recovery book Life Without Ed! Well, I just got her newest book and it is even better! She proves that there is a BIG difference between being "in recovery" and being "recovered", and through hard work and determination, she shows us that we too can get there!

I am super excited because Ms. Schaefer is going to be speaking @ my treatment center on October 25th! So, I have been flying through the book so I can have it read before her presentation (and because I want her to sign it!).

So, how have things been going?

Pretty well, I suppose. Went to visit my friends @ college this past Sat night. It was the first time I had seen them since I mysteriously left school a month ago and went into the hospital. It was a little awkward at first, but we went out to eat (and I followed my meal plan, including a delicious chocolate bourbon pecan cake for dessert!) and loosened up and everything went alright. However, I don't drink alcohol much anymore, mostly because of my meds but also because the IOP I'm in forbids it--alcoholism is closely linked with EDs, AND it runs rampant in my family, so it's better to be healthy and safe about it. So that was the only awkward thing about the weekend. I used to party and drink a lot my first 2 years of college, and my friends were disappointed that I didn't drink with them. However, I am realizing the joy of moderation. Yes of course I'll enjoy a drink or two every once in awhile. But seeing drunken college kids make fools of themselves made me realize that I am so over that scene. I am 21 years old, and yes I want to have fun, but getting so wasted you lose your keys and your pants and don't know where you are is a lot different than being an ADULT and going for a nice drink or two with friends and watching a movie. I guess I've just calmed down a lot.

In terms of IOP, things are going really really well. My meal plan got bumped up and a supplement added (Ensure! woot woot haha), and mentally it sure hasn't been a cake walk (no pun intended, I swear!). Last Wed my weight had gone up 1 pound from the week before, and yesterday my weight had gone up 1.5 pounds in only 5 days. It freaked me out a little, and I am more than I weighed all summer, so it's definitely been an adjustment. My clothes are fitting tighter and my butt and hips are rounding out a little, but I'm dealing. In fact, my hair and skin and eyes look better, and even though I still have body image distortions, I am working very hard to keep up with my meal plan and supplements and to be proud of my strong new body. I am about 10 pounds or so from my goal, which is awesome! A few weeks ago I was losing, and now I am gaining. And it's not just weight. I am gaining a new, calmer perspective on life. Our nutritionists and therapists teach us about moderation in all things, and I think that is a wonderful way to live life. I am not exercising at the moment (mom said 5 more pounds and we'll see about signing up for yoga!), but when I eventually get to my goal weight, I want to be able to exercise and eat moderately and healthily. You don't need to run 5 miles a day to be healthy. In fact, doing 20-30 minutes of walking or light yoga is perfectly acceptable!

I won't lie and say it's easy. I know that Recovery Road has lots of bumps and detours, but I also know that I have the strength within me to at least keep the road in sight, even when I'm not fully on it. But as for today--the sun is shining, I'm wearing a cute new shirt, and I am walking the difficult path of recovery with complete faith that it will be fully worth it!!!