Saturday, October 30, 2010

Party Like Dr. Seuss

Hello, lovelies!

As this is my last Halloween weekend of my college career, I have decided to go ALL OUT.

Last night, my friend and I were Dr. Seuss' Thing 1 & Thing 2.

The originals:

Our "cuter" version (I'm Thing 1):

...and here's a couple more pics, just 'cause I was rockin' my new bootay ;-)

We danced, we drank (way too much), we ate, we flirted, we danced some more, and we had the best time ever.

It was worth every hungover second. Went to bed at 5:30 am, got up at 1:00pm. Ate lunch at 2:00pm. I feel like such a lazy college kid...and i love it.

Going out again tonight. This time, the new boy interest and I are doing a "couples" costume. I'll post photos tomorrow, but I'm not telling what we are dressing as.

Here are 3 clues:

1. Polka dots
2. Sweater vests
3. Sneakers

Can you guess what "couple" B & I are going to be tonight???

Friday, October 22, 2010

My 100th Post!

It's my 100th Post!!!

I started Hot Coco(a) in the summer of 2009 after being inspired by Eating Disorder Recovery blogs as well as Healthy Living blogs. I wanted to share my own experiences in recovery, and admittedly, I really just needed a place to express my feelings when I was struggling.

In the past year and a half, I have come a looong way. Am I "recovered"? Not exactly. But am I in a stable and solid place in my recovery? Absolutely.

In fact, I am thinking of perhaps shifting the focus of my blog a bit. Instead of talking about eating disorders all the time, and the troubles anorexia has brought to my life, I want to make this blog have a more general, positive focus. Although I don't consider myself completely recovered, I feel like my eating disorder is no longer my "identity". Thus, I want this blog to be more about me and my life, rather than about my anorexia. Is my eating disorder a part of me? Yes, I think it still is, in both positive and negative ways. My experience has given me so much wisdom and appreciation for what my body can do. And yes, I still have my slip-ups and rough patches. But I am finally at a healthy weight (which I have been able to maintain while still living independently at college, getting decent grades, and working part-time!), and I finally have positive people and activities in my life that have nothing to do with my eating-disordered self.

Maybe ED still lurks in the background and rears his ugly head from time to time, but I am now strong enough and confident enough to tame that beast and go on with my day--and my life.

So, from now on, my posts will be more about my life. Yes, they will involve food, as food has (amazingly!) become a source of enjoyment and fun in my life. But the blog will also focus on the next phase of my life as I graduate from college and make my way into the real world.


So, to wrap up this epic 100th post, I leave you with some photos. The first set is of me in the spring of 2009, when I was still in the throes of my eating disorder and started this blog:


And the second is a series of photos of me NOW. I literally took these last night. I am proud of my new body and I want to show you that
recovery is possible
, and life is beautiful!

I hope you follow me on the next leg of journey, and I thank you for your support thus far.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Recovery Means...

Recovery Means...

Suggesting that your parents take you out to dinner on a random Monday night...and actually looking forward to it

Baking muffins, cookies, and zucchini bread for your friends and family...and actually partaking in the eating of said baked goods.

...and licking the batter during the baking process of said items...

...and perhaps eating a cookie fresh out of the oven for the simple reason that it smells delicious, looks delicious, and you must taste-test your baked goods before feeding them to your loved ones, right?

.... Right!!!

Recovery means...

Buying new (larger) jeans, and looking at yourself in the mirror in the dressing room with admiration of your round booty and toned legs, without a hint of disgust.

Coming home and purging all of those old "sick" clothes from your closet...and feeling oddly satisfied about it.

Ordering a martini at dinner and having an extra piece of bread from the bread basket, simply because you feel like it.

Stepping out of the shower and meeting eyes with yourself in the mirror.

Recovery means...

Socializing with friends, even when it doesn't fit your "plan" for the when someone calls you at the last minute wanting to meet for coffee...

...and you order a slice of fresh-baked banana bread with your coffee, simply because you want it.

...even if you've already had your "snack" that day.

These are just a few of the things recovery has slowly given me.

What does recovery mean for you?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Sexual Assault: It is NEVER Your Fault!

I want to discuss something really important in this post.

This weekend, I had a very scary experience involving unwanted sexual contact. I wasn't raped, but I was sexually assaulted. I don't want to go into details because it's upsetting, but basically I was physically and verbally abused by a guy whom I had previously considered an acquaintance, and even a friend. Don't worry--it wasn't the new boy, B, or anyone I have ever previously posted about. However, this was a guy who I have known for awhile, who I trusted, and who I have class with this semester.

I just want to inform you all about sexual assault, and give you some resources. I know that my initial reaction after this incident on Saturday was to feel incredibly dirty, disgusting, and guilty. The man who assaulted me not only put me in physical danger, but he also verbally assaulted me, calling me a bitch and several other offensive names. Yes, he was incredibly drunk (and for the record, I was NOT drunk--I had had one alcoholic beverage but was by no means intoxicated), but alcohol is still NO EXCUSE for his actions.

In fact, even if you have been sexually, verbally, or physically abused or assaulted and you were drunk, it is still NOT okay. Sex without consent is rape. Unwanted or forced sexual contact of any kind, even touching or kissing, is still considered assault if consent is not freely given.

Please, I urge you, if you have had an experience with sexual assault or rape or abuse of ANY KIND, please do not be afraid to seek help. Tell someone. It can be a teacher, friend, relative, or authority figure. Just make sure it is someone you trust.

And please, do not be ashamed. The past couple of days have been rough for me. I feel like I somehow brought this upon myself, or to consider the fact that maybe I was "asking for it". But you know what? There is NEVER an excuse for assault of any kind.

My best friend wants me to report the incident. I'm not sure what to do. Here I am, telling you all to seek help, and I have (so far) kept silent, at least as far as police or campus authority involvement. I think I am hesitant because of how small my campus is. I had class this morning with the guy who did this to me, and it was painful. Someone I had previously trusted and thought highly of is now someone I am afraid to associate with or even go near. It isn't right.

Anyway, here are just a few of the many, many resources out there regarding this issue:

PAVE: Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment

RAINN: Rabe, Abuse, & Incest, National Network

NSVRC: National Sexual Violence Resource Center

On a random positive note, I promised you photos. So, here's a photo of me, my friend Kim, and the new sweet guy B at the bar a couple weeks ago:

B has been really awesome. We're not "dating" exactly, but we have been spending time together talking and hanging out, and we have kissed. He is incredibly sweet and respects women, which is something we all deserve in a man, don't you think?

Hopefully my next post will be more positive. Until then, my bloggie friends! ........

Thursday, October 7, 2010

"I Need to Be Honest With You..."

Those were the words D nervously said to me when we finally talked about everything on the phone earlier this week. I had been brainstorming with my roommates about the best possible way to let him down without being a complete bitch, and it turns out I never got the chance.

Our conversation went a little something like this:

D: I need to be honest with you about something...

Coco: Ok. Go ahead.

D: Well, I saw my ex-girlfriend last night, and it brought back a lot of emotions.


Coco: Ok...

D: And, well, she and I have decided to give it another shot and try to make things work. So, well, I just don't think I'm going to be able to pursue anything with you while I'm focused on that.

Coco: *giggles* Ok, then. Well, good luck with all that.

D: Are you ok? Are you upset?

Coco: No, this is great! I'm so happy for you!

...and then we small-talked awkwardly. Haven't spoken to him since.

Isn't that weird?! I swear, this guy has some legitimate emotional issues. One day he is literally obsessed with me, and the next he's back with the "love of his life"?! Phew, it's exhausting. Oh well--he can have her!


Tuesday night I skipped night class so I could drive home and go to the So You Think You Can Dance Season 7 Live Tour in Baltimore! It was amazing! My mom & I went for drinks & appetizers at a swanky bar before the show--my treat! I'm such a good daughter, hehe. Then I slept in my own bed before driving back to SU yesterday.

Tonight, I'm working at the coffeehouse. One guy I think is adorably sexy is performing at open mic night, so that will be fun. Also, B (the new football player/artist boy interest) said he might visit me.

Speaking of B, tomorrow he invited me over to watch a movie and split a bottle of wine with him. I am SO excited. He is such a sweet guy, and I think it will be a lot of fun. I'm interested in him, and he seems interested in me as well, but we're both also really chill and laid-back and relaxed, and we're not looking for anything too serious. So, hopefully it'll be a good time.

So, that's my update. I'll blog again after the weekend. Other than hanging with B and working Saturday night, I don't have any solid plans--but I'm sure I'll manage to get into something exciting ;-)

Question: What are you up to this weekend???

Sunday, October 3, 2010

The Weirdest Semester of My College Career

I don't even know where to begin with this post.

This has easily been the weirdest, most exciting/random/exhilarating/scary/FUN semester of my entire college career.

So, first things first: let me update you on my date last Monday. D arrived a little late due to lots of rain & traffic, but he got here around 6pm. We walked into town for a nice dinner, which he bought. We had good conversation, and I felt an attraction to him. The major turnoff physically was his height, but I'm not a mega-bitch and it really didn't bother me that much.

So, after dinner, we came back to my place and just hung out and watched a movie and chatted, which was nice. Then we started making out....and then somehow all of my clothes were off. Um, oops. I honestly did NOT want to do that! But I guess I was living in the moment. Anyway, he ended up staying the night and leaving early in the morning before my 10am class. It was a really nice time, and he seemed like a really sweet guy. Basically, we agreed to just kinda see what happens and maybe hang out again when we're both available. But since he goes to school 3 hours away, and I am graduating soon, we talked about how a big commitment just isn't in the cards right now.

So, I thought things were good. Then, almost as soon as he left, D texted me. And then he texted me again. And again. And again. Basically, this guy is INTENSE. He literally has texted/called me/IMed me NONSTOP in the past week since our date. At first I thought it was cute to get messages about how beautiful and awesome I am, but it is really starting to freak me out. He tells me how much he misses me, but we've only hung out ONCE. And he got jealous when I told him I was STUDYING with my friend Adam for a test. Like, seriously?! If he's this possessive and clingy when we're NOT EVEN DATING, what would he be like in a relationship???

So, 2 nights ago, I had a serious chat with D on the phone. Basically, he is really into me and wants to "make this work". But, I feel like I don't want to commit to someone I hardly know. He already is talking about visiting me again next week, and he wants to see me over Thanksgiving Break. I just feel smothered. He is a nice guy, and attractive, and smart, and funny, but I can't take this constant communication. In fact, he literally just sent me a message right this second.

Someone PLEASE give me advice. ASAP. I don't know what to do.
I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I don't necessarily want to completely kick him to the curb, either. I had a lot of fun on our date, and he seemed like such a cool guy. But his behavior in the last week has really freaked me out, and he doesn't seem to understand my position.



So, last night was another interesting evening, but in a much more positive way! I went to a Breast Cancer Awareness event held by ZTA called "Real Men Wear Pink", which was entertaining and fun. Then I went out to a party and to the bar with some friends, including my roommate Kelly, who I've grown incredibly close with. She is the only roomie I've told about my ED, and I really feel like I can trust her.

So, there was this guy I'll call B who I ended up meeting up with last night. We met last weekend, and he is the sweetest boy ever! He plays football for our school, but he isn't your cliche "meathead" jock. He's an art major and he is really intelligent and funny and interesting. Lookswise, he's not the hottest man alive, but his personality MORE than makes up for it. And he is pretty cute. So, last night we went to the bar together and he bought me a drink and we talked. Then, I went back to his place with him to hang out and talk and watch a movie. He showed me his art (which was incredibly impressive!) and then we just cuddled a little and he gave me a little peck on the lips and I fell asleep there!

Nothing sexual happened...and it was perfect. Seriously. He was a really nice guy with a good heart, and I hope I see him again.

I still am not looking for anything serious right now, but I'm sick of random hookups all the time. I'm sick of guys texting me at 3am asking me to come over. I don't want to be that girl. I'm ashamed that I even let myself become that girl for one guy, let alone 2 or 3. As of now, I need to make my boundaries clear. And this B guy seems to really respect women. He is close friends with one of my close friends, and she has told me how sweet he is.

So, today he texted me to say hi. We'll see what happens. As long as he doesn't go psycho on me like D, perhaps I'd rather hang with this guy instead. Or both? haha.

Anyway, people, give me advice. I need the male and female perspectives here:
What's the deal with D--is he really just a nice guy who doesn't realize how smothering he is being, or does he seem like a creeper who would only be possessive and overbearing in a relationship?

(Oh, I also had a huge test last week, 2 essays, and I have another test this week....So, it's not ALL fun and games my last semester of college :-P)
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