Friday, August 28, 2009

Today is the Day...

Today I pack up my car and head back to Susquehanna University for GOOD. For my SENIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE.

Where has the time gone?

I am scared, nervous, anxious, excited, happy, sad, all at once. I know I am in a much better place now mentally, but I still need to keep my guard up and make sure I do what's best for my health and continue to put recovery first. I used to use school and studying as an excuse to not eat, etc. (sooo lame, I know), but not this time!

And, someone very wise told me to not only nourish my body, but my mind and soul as well. When I look back on my senior year of college, I don't want it to be how focused on calories and exercise I was, or how many extra credit projects I completed. I want to look back and think about the times I spent with the people who mean the most to me. I want to look back and be proud that I followed my heart and my passions, and that I found a purpose other than being the "thin one". I don't need to be the skinniest girl in the room. I just need to be ME. And that's what I plan on doing this semester.

Wish me luck, ladies! I'm sure I'll be blogging often anyway, as my schedule is pretty kickass (as in, my FIRST class on some days isn't until 3pm! muahaha being a senior kicks butt!).

I've been having a hard time with weight gain recently, but I know I can't slip again. I don't WANT to, first of all, and second, I am coming home every Saturday to meet w/ my counselor, who will weigh me. I want to gain the weight back and kick ED's bootay so I can go on living my life and conquering my dreams!!!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

It's Been Awhile!

Hello, blogging world!

Sorry I've been so MIA recently.

LOTS has been going on.

Basically, I had a really rough time being alone in my apartment with no one to eat with. It was difficult to decide what meals to make and when and how much, etc etc. HOWEVER I had a weigh-in this past Wednesday and I maintained! Yes, the goal is to gain, BUT I am SO glad I didn't lose because that would have been awful! I had a really great therapy sesh on Wednesday and also a great meeting w/ my nutritionist. She spent a long time with me, and we planned some meals out so that if I have a day where I don't know what I want to make, I can go to the paper and pick one of my exact plans.

I have a week left until I move back into my apartment (with the 3 roomies this time) and the semester starts. I admit that I'm nervous and a bit worried about myself. Although I've been pushing through it by eating my meals and snacks, the ED voice has been very LOUD lately. Plus, it doesn't help that my parents seem to be fine with a yogurt for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and a rather meager dinner! I feel like a huge fat pig for eating more than my 180-pound father! However, I need to keep in mind that this is what my body NEEDS to repair itself, and that I won't have to eat like this forever.

Journaling has been helping me, as well as something I never thought I would agree to, or have a positive experience with--GROUP THERAPY. Anne (my counselor) suggested I attend, so I went to a 90-minute eating disorders group Wednesday night, and it was honestly so amazing. Awkward at first, but REALLY helpful. People with all kinds of EDs meet every week and talk about their struggles and what has worked for them. A few of the people in the group are fully recovered and were there to share their insight, which gave me a LOT of hope and encouragement.

I'm scared that when I go back to school, I will fall back into my old ways because of stress from classes and work (I work at a coffee shop!). I know my roomies know what's going on, but they also aren't going to be around all the time to hold me accountable. I need to force myself to do what I need to do to be healthy.

Anyway, I'll do a longer, more interesting post later on, but for now, just know that I'm still religiously reading all of your blogs and they are inspiring as always!

P.S. The movie "Julie & Julia" was amazing! I bought the book and can't wait to read it! *NOTE: This movie WILL make you HUNGRYYYY* hahaha

P.P.S. I am making a pasta dish w/ spinach and ricotta cheese tonight. Pasta and cheese are some fear foods of mine that I still have issues with, so I'm excited about it and am going to push myself to have a nice big plate of it!

P.P.P.S. Jenni Schaefer's book "Life Without Ed" was really great and I highly recommend it! She is coming to speak at my treatment center in October, and I really want to go!

Have a beautiful weekend. Off to plant some flowers with my daddy :-)

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

"This award is bestowed on a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant. This award is about bloggers who post from their heart, who often in times put their heart on display as they write from the depths of their soul.”
There are three rules that need to be followed on accepting this award:
1. Brag about it.
2. Select seven blogs you find brilliant and link back to them.
3. List ten honest things about yourself.
Ok, so I am not even going to bother choosing 7 people because it's too hard of a decision! EVERYONE deserves this award because every blog I follow manages to inspire me in a different yet equally important way!

But now, on to the fun part--10 honest things about MOI! ........

1. I used to take dance (ballet, jazz, tap, hip hop, etc) intensively 6 days/week, and for awhile I really wanted to be a professional ballerina.

2. My left thumb is shorter and fatter than my right. (It is weird and ugly and has been nicknamed "Stubster" bahaha)

3. One of my favorite things about myself are my freckles. I think they make me unique.

4. I have never broken a bone or had a cavity in my entire life! (*knocks on wood*)

5. I did, however, get 14 stitches in my chin when I was 8!

6. One of my favorite childhood movies is "The Labyrinth", with David Bowie. Yes, I was/am a weird child!

7. I have known my best friend, Brooke, since I was 2. We grew up 3 houses down the street from one another and were inseperable. ED has put a strain on our relationship, but I have faith that we'll be ok.

8. My mom, as much as we butt heads sometimes, is truly one of my best friends.

9. Sometimes I get frustrated and depressed and think that full recovery is not possible.

10. Then I realize that ANYTHING is possible, especially recovery, if you dedicate yourself completely to it and never give up hope!

So anyway, I am into week 2 of the camp. The kids are younger this week--grades 3-5, and are super cute. I finally have TV and internet in my house here, so it's not TOO bad. I had a pretty bad breakdown on Sunday afternoon after yet another binge, but I called my brother and he calmed me down a lot. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. He may not always understand the battles I face, but he is always willing to try and help me fight, and for that I love him!

Today we are teaching the kids about sentence structure and spelling and dialogue. Gotta go prepare the lesson!

OH, by the way, I bought cute white gladiator-ish sandals, and a pretty elephant charm that I put on a ribbon and made into a necklace, and 3 pairs of stud earrings. Shopping therapy works wonders :-)

Have a great day and a great week, ladies. Keep your chin up, and I promise I will too. I am home again in 2 short days and will be seeing "Julie & Julia" Friday night with my mama.

P.S. Yeah, this post keeps going. Sorry. But I just started reading the novel "Girls in Trucks", by Katie Crouch yesterday afternoon, and I CANNOT PUT IT DOWN! I'm already halfway through, which is quite a feat for a slow reader such as myself! I highly recommend this book!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Losing weight and faith

Guys, why am I such a downer lately? This sucks!

So, I am at home right now in Maryland. Last night I went out in Bethlehem, PA with my roomie Lauren (who is amazing and I love her to death and she is SO supportive and caring and patient) and *D (I won't do full name for her because I'm angry with her at the moment).

Basically, it has been a LONG week. Thursday night, Lauren arrived at our house in Selinsgrove, PA around 8pm, and I helped her set up some stuff in her room before retiring for the evening. Then, after ANOTHER restless and fitful night of sleep, I woke up around 7:15, went to work til around 12:30, then came back to our house. Then, I packed a bag and off the 3 of us girlies went to Musikfest!

So, we got to Lauren's house around 4pm and then hung out for awhile. Then we went to dinner and I really tried to push myself by getting FRIED fish tacos with a CREAMY chipotle sauce (fried things and creamy sauces are def 2 ED no-no's for me!).

Then we went back to Lauren's, drank a little, went to her friend's house, played some drinking games, and then walked into town for Musikfest. Basically, there's food, music (duh!), crafts & stuff for sale, and tons of drunk people roaming the streets.

We tired of this scene quickly because it was SO effing crowded, so Lauren, D, and I headed to Roosevelt's bar and met up with some of Lauren's old friends from high school. I drank a decent amount of Southern Comfort and a little vodka, so by the end of the night I was pooped!

So, why am I mad at D? Well, she used to be anorexic (although now I'm realizing she is NOT better at ALL), and used to be helpful to me at the beginning of recovery. Now I am realizing that she is one of those "competitive" anorexics. Yes, she is at a "healthier" weight, but is still a good 10 pounds lighter than before her ED. Also, at dinner, she ordered a burger and ate it without the bun and no cheese and touched a few of her fries and admitted that she didn't eat lunch on purpose so she could drink more later. She was constantly talking about calories and stuff, and just being VERY triggering last night. Which is part of the reason I left at 10:30 this morning and drove 3 hours to my house. I just couldn't take it anymore.

D also seems to have developed a drinking problem. She gets so super sloppy and Lauren was upset because D was being really skanky with all of Lauren's guy friends, including her old flame from high school. D also kept pressuring me to drink more and then got really sloppily drunk at the bar and started YELLING at me really loudly in front of people for no reason. She told meto just go eat something and was basically making my ED public, and I was really upset because obviously it's not something I feel like sharing with everyone, especially at the bar when I just want to be normal and have a good time. Plus, it's not like I was telling everyone about HER issues.

Oh well. I'll be ok. But all day I've been out of it. I came home STARVING around 2:30 pm and gorged myself on cereal, oatmeal, milkshakes, and PB & J, then felt sick and slept it off for 2 hours. Then felt guilty and took a jog and did a bunch of situps. Then felt guilty for doing that so I took a shower and ate as normal a dinner as possible (normally I would restrict after a binge). My stomach feels nassssty, but I'm gonna try to push through it.

I was curious after my shower so I weighed myself and could not believe my eyes...I have lost about 3 pounds since my last weigh-in a week and a half ago. I am really upset with myself.

I feel like my blogging is getting more depressing, and living alone at school is triggering ED tendencies. I need to stop this cycle, FAST. I am seriously afraid my parents won't let me go back to school in a few weeks if I don't have my act together.

I am sick of this disease ruining my life. I am 21 years old. I want to start my senior year of college off right! I want to be healthy and happy and have fun and study hard and get a good job and hang out with friends and relax and do all the things young women are supposed to do.

I need to push through this. I have had 2 Ensures today, and I'm gonna have another. And maybe some ice cream and stuff. I need to just DO THIS.


On a lighter note, Laura from worthless words gave me an award!.............

I'll post more on that later, but thanks Laura, it means a lot. :-)

Thanks for all your love and support, guys. It is incredibly awesome and I love you all!!!

Thursday, August 6, 2009


Here are some photos I promised from my last post (in no particular order b/c I'm at work and not on my Macbook so I'm not sure how to do it right...):

Chicken stir-fry made in my new house! All by myself! I'm such an adult now haha
Billie (L), Me (center), & Danielle (R) drinking the infamous BOMBER! (isn't it huge?!)
Close-up. Yes, it is flaming!

...And here is my delicious pizza from Emma's! (I ate the whole thing & I'm not ashamed! haha)

So, I am trying to stay positive. Last night I was feeling lonely and mopey, but I kept myself busy reading and watching the movie "Charlie Bartlett"--which I highly recommend, by the way. Also had 2 "shakes" with Boost, fruit, and PB yesterday. I am really trying to stick with the plan. It's NOW OR NEVER!
Keep it up. You ladies are so strong and inspiring to me.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Update on living alone!

Good morning, ladies!

Just thought I’d give you all a little update on what’s been happening since my big move into my house this past weekend!
Well, I arrived Saturday afternoon and unloaded some of my stuff (clothes, etc) and then my friend Billie and I went to a place called Emma’s for dinner, which was amazing. They specialize in organic, local-grown foods and have lots of vegetarian and gluten-free options, and basically options to suit any diet. Billie and I both got pizza. She got a salmon pizza and I got a mushroom pizza with cheese and spinach and lots of other interesting toppings. I took a picture and will post it ASAP, but I’m at work in a computer lab so I don’t have access to all my pictures (and still no internet or cable in my big, lonely house. Ughhh).
Anyway, by this time it was already past 8, so Billie and I grabbed my classy box of Franzia white zinfandel wine, my bottle of vodka, and a few beers before heading to Danielle’s house a few streets over. We then drank and went out to BJ’s, a local restaurant, to meet some of Danielle’s friends. At BJ’s, a man we didn’t know who was in his forties ordered the 3 of us the “Bomber” drink. It includes about 7 shots of ridiculousness, and needless to say after this drink I was pretty tipsy. It is served with a flaming lemon on top, which is awesome (again, photos are forthcoming, I promise!).
After this, we headed to Bot’s Tavern, a local bar. It wasn’t as fun as the places in Baltimore, and I also didn’t know a lot of people, but once the semester starts I think it’ll be more fun there because more SU people will be around. Speaking of which, there were a few people from school at Bot’s that hadn’t seen me since April (aka when I was deepest into my ED and weighed ** lbs). One girl, who is a biatch and I never have liked, was whispering to her friend when I walked in. I think I looked pretty hot in my new silver shoes and my little purple dress, so whatev. I know I still have a long way to go in terms of gaining, but I am making progress, so the hell with what everyone else thinks.
Anyway, our night ended with a late-night pizza delivery (3 medium cheese pizzas for 3 girls! HAHA), and falling asleep around 3am with the “Sex and the City” movie on in the background.
Sunday I unpacked some more stuff and basically recovered from my wild night. Also did some much-needed grocery shopping.
Monday the Writing camp started. The kids are between grades 6 and 8 (so, around 11-13 years old) and it is actually a lot of fun. I get up early every day, around 7 or 7:15, and leave the house by 8 to walk over to campus, which isn’t far. The kids are great, and I remember some of them from last year. The other 2 counselors are girls I know from school who I also worked with last year, so it wasn’t too scary on Monday.
After the camp lets out around 12:15 each day, I basically walk home and make lunch and relax and read and watch movies that I rented from the library across the street from my house.
I find myself getting lonely, but yet when people invite me to do things I am afraid. Stupid ED. I’m proud of myself though b/c last night, I was feeling depressed all alone in my big house and was just going to sit around doing nothing, but Billie invited me to go out to dinner w/ some friends. At first I automatically said “No, thanks”, because that’s what I’m so used to doing from my ED days—isolating myself. Once I sat down and thought about it, though, I decided that the idea sounded fun and that I wanted to go. So I called her back and told her I’d changed my mind.
I was nervous at dinner and only got a cranberry walnut chicken salad, which really wasn’t enough, but I tried to make up for it by having a snack before bed.
I admit that I’m really struggling here. Lauren, my roommate, is coming tomorrow and spending the night and then we are going to her house for that music festival, which is something to look forward to. But the past few days by myself have been rough. Yes, I have the camp in the mornings, and I’ve been trying to at least have some sort of human interaction each day (like dinner last night, or talking on the phone w/ family & friends), but the isolation I feel here reminds me of ED, and makes me feel like reverting back to my old ways. I hate admitting it to myself, but I’m afraid of slipping. I want so badly to prove to my parents and friends that I’m stronger now and can conquer this, but making lunches and dinners and eating them alone has been hard. I only have minimal groceries and sometimes I get so frustrated with not knowing what to make that I fail to make a decent, healthy meal.
Although I did make delicious stir-fry chicken the other day, which I proudly photographed and will post as soon as possible.
So, I really am trying, but I feel myself thinking like an anorexic again and it worries me greatly. Like, I know that we’ll be drinking a lot of alcohol on Friday night, so I am already planning in my mind how to cut back calories this week to make up for it. And taking jogs even when I’m exhausted. It’s awful and I know I need to stop before I undo all that I’ve worked so hard for this summer. I haven’t weighed myself in a few days, partly because it’s triggering, and partly because I don’t want to feel like a failure if I haven’t gained an adequate amount. I have less than a month until the semester starts. I am supposed to gain AT LEAST 5 pounds by then, and I’m supposed to WANT to do this, but for some reason I am scared shitless.
I have not been having my 3 supplement drinks a day. Barely 1. Yesterday I had none. This vicious cycle MUST end. I just want to get better and not have the thoughts. I want to eat what I want when I want because I want it. I want to take a jog or work out because it makes me feel good, not because I will feel guilty if I don’t.
I keep taking steps back, but I feel like I am still moving forward. I need to stay positive. I think today, instead of forcing myself to take a run or a bike ride like the past few days, I am going to bring a book and walk to the river and sit on a bench and read and perhaps write in my journal. I need more inner peace, more body confidence, and to feel better about myself. I know I’ll get there. I have made HUGE progress since April (as in, 15 pounds and the ability to do things I never would have imagined like going out to eat or having PEANUT BUTTER and ice cream sundaes and CHEEESE!). However, I still have a long way to go, and I need to take it one day at a time.

P.S. I have been having a frustrating problem recently that is making it SO hard to motivate myself to gain. I have been getting compliments recently about how great I look. And I’ve been getting more male attention as well. Also, I was at the mall trying on clothes and the woman told me how great I looked and people have complimented me on my thin figure. On one hand it makes me happy. But on the other hand, it frustrated and angers me. It’s one thing for my mom and dad to give me compliments on my progress, but when people who don’t know me compliment me, it angers me because it shows how skewed society is. I am still underweight. My BMI is not in the normal range. I am still NOT HEALTHY. When I tell some people I am trying to gain at least 10 pounds, they are appalled and ask WHY?! Like it’s so terrible.
Eff society and their ridiculous ideals. I want to be HEALTHY and HAPPY. Thin is not everything. Besides, even at my goal weight, I’ll still be thin. So boo-yah!

Ok, more later….Hope you ladies are all doing well!!! I've been reading your blogs as much as possible!
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