Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Back in College!

So, I'm not sure how busy I'll get once my classes really get under way, but I figured I'd post yet again to let you all know how my first week went! I want to try to become a more regular blogger.

So, Monday I arrived on campus very early--around 2pm--even though my Philosophy 101 class didn't start til 3:30. I wanted to make sure I got a decent parking spot--which I did!--and then pick up my books from the bookstore. I made my way through the throngs of students into the bookstore and picked up my order, then carried the box back to my car. Since I still had an hour til my class began, I walked around a bit and took in the sights of campus. A lot of construction is going on at the moment so it's not exactly picturesque, but I felt right at home being among college students again. Being at another school is really weird, though, and makes me miss Susquehanna even more. I went there for almost 4 years, and plan on returning there in the fall, so it really is "my" school, and I can't help but feel a bit like an "outsider" at Towson.

Anyway, back to the classes:

Philosophy on Monday wasn't too exciting--the professor "couldn't make it", so he sent another teacher to hand out the syllabus. It took about 10 minutes and then we left! Wednesday the teacher was there, and it actually seems like it's going to be an interesting class. We are reading Plato's "Theatetus" at the moment, which isn't exactly simple to understand!

Tuesday and Thursday I had 20th Century American Novel at 2pm, and I really really love the teacher! The book list is great, and we are only required to write two 6-8 page papers, and that's it! No midterm or final!

Tuesday night I had Film & Lit from 3:30 to 6:10. It's a LOOOONG class, and although she gave us a ten minute break, I was antsy! It's been months since I was a student, and I forgot how uncomfortable it can be to sit in a classroom for so long!

Anyway, I have talked to a few people and there seem to be some nice kids in my classes. I like finally having something stimulating to do and even homework isn't so bad (I say that now, but talk to me in 2 weeks and I'll prob be freaking out and stressed!). I'm kind of a geek at heart, and I also like to be busy, and I think this schedule is perfect for me. I get to be a part of a college community, take a few stimulating but not too incredibly stressful, and I still have time for social stuff and--of course--the all-time-consuming process of anorexia recovery!


Speaking of recovery, it's admittedly not going too wonderfully at the moment. I lost a little bit of weight at my weigh-in, which means that I basically haven't made any tangible progress in the weight department in 2 months! That is really just unacceptable. I know in my heart that I'm not working hard enough. I know that I act disappointed when the number doesn't budge on the scale, but secretly I am sighing with relief that it hasn't gone up. I am fooling my family, therapist, and nutritionist into thinking I am truly giving it my all, when I know deep down I'm not. Part of me is ashamed to admit this on my blog, but I realize that a lot of you can probably relate to what I'm saying. I don't want to single anyone out, but I sometimes read blogs and can tell when they post things like "Oh no! I lost weight! This is awful!", they are actually pleased with themselves and part of me thinks maybe they post these things so their ED can "brag" to other bloggers--the whole ED competitiveness thing. I'm not saying this is true of everyone, but it's just something I've noticed in blogland. And I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm guilty of this from time and again too. My eating disorder is incredibly competitive and comparative, and I am constantly competing with others--in blogland and in real life.

I hope you all aren't upset by my frankness and honesty in this post. I really am going to try harder this week, and my goal is to gain 2 pounds by Wednesday. I know I can do it if I am just 100% honest with myself, my family, and my treatment team. I need to stop letting this disorder ruin my life. I want to graduate from college, live on my own, have a family, and have a career, and I can't do any of these things if I am held down by my eating disorder.


I'm off to do some reading and go to sleep--no class tomorrow, so I might visit my friends at SU! Otherwise, I'll probably have a low-key weekend with the 'rents, as usual.

I'm still reading your blogs, so keep writing! :-)

Monday, January 25, 2010

Finally...a few photos!

So, it turns out my MOM had my camera cord in her camera bag by accident. I don't have too many photos to share, but I at least wanted to show you some photos of my bedroom makeover:

What do you think?! I LOVE the black & white and the calming mint green walls. That chair in the corner is where I often write in my journal or read a book :-)

....and, just for kicks, here's my cat, Boomer, getting into the holiday spirit!

Anyway, I'm off to shower, go grocery shopping, and then get ready for day #1 of classes!!!

Thanks for all your comments on my last post. I'll update very soon!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Wish me luck

So, tomorrow I have my first day of classes at Towson University!

Here's my schedule:

Mondays: Philosophy 101 3:30-4:45

Tuesdays: 20th Century American Novel 2-3:15; Literature & Film 3:30-6:10

Wednesdays: Philosophy 101 3:30-4:45

Thursdays: 20th C Am. Novel 2-3:15

Fridays: NO CLASS!!!

So, I think I lucked out in terms of times, etc. I am nervous because this is the longest break I've had from the academic world EVER in my entire life! (Haven't been enrolled in school since September 09). But, I'm looking forward to having mental stimulation again, and just being a part of a college community, even if I'm a commuter, is going to feel good.

Wish me luck, and I'll be sure to post a recap after my first few days!

P.S. Still can't find the USB cord to connect my camera to my computer...guess I'll have to give in and buy a new one. gggrrrrrr.......

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Mid-January blah


Is anyone else feeling as "off" and "blah" and "under the weather" as I am? I don't know if it's the post-Christmas, pre-Spring slump or what, but I am feeling icky lately! Although, I must say that the weather has been pretty awesome lately, at least relatively speaking--it's been in the 40's and 50's (Fahrenheit) rather than the 30's!

So, what has happened since my last post?

Well, on Tuesday night of last week, I went out to dinner at a vegan restaurant called Great Sage with my ex-boyfriend from high school, Sam. It was really weird because I hadn't seen him in about 3 years, and also because he is a vegan and I'm not. So, for someone recovering from an ED, it was stressful--awkward dinner with the ex + food I'm not familiar with = nervous wreck!

However, it ended up being fun! And the food wasn't too bad either--we got quesadillas to start, which included black beans and vegan "cheese", then I had tofu and vegetable curry over brown rice, and vanilla soy ice cream for dessert. It was quite lovely, and I was proud of myself for stepping outside the box. I must admit that there were absolutely NO sparks between Sam and I. Which I'm actually relieved about. Now we can keep in touch and be friends, and not have to wonder about romance.

Then, Wednesday I had my usual smattering of therapy sessions--family therapy at 8 am, then a break for breakfast @ Starbuck's (I had Awake Tea and a slice of banana chocolate chip pound cake!), nutritional counseling at 10:30, and individual therapy at 11 am with Anne. I was weighed first thing in the morning, before I had even eaten, and my weight was up a little under 2 pounds.

I kinda freaked out a little at first. I know I am supposed to be gaining weight, but the closer I get to my goal, the more anxious I become. I'm proud of myself, and my parents were really happy, but I'm still a little uncomfortable with the whole thing. However, I'm trying to journal (and blog!) about it and to deal with my emotions rather than starve them away.

I went shopping yesterday with my mom and bought 2 new pairs of jeans (one of which is PINK! yes, you heard correctly--PINK jeans!) and an adorable LBD (little black dress). We also went out for lunch, and I had a beef BBQ brisket sandwich and greasy homemade potato chips. And guess what? I was OK! And I didn't let it ruin my appetite for dinner, which was turkey scallopini and cheese & mushroom risotto with spinach!

So, I suppose I am doing somewhat better. However, I can't help but feel a sense of disappointment and "failure" when I gain weight. My ED brainwashed me for so long into thinking that weight loss = success, that it's really difficult for me to step on a scale and see the number rising each week. However, I must remind myself that each pound gain is one step closer to health.

I am now well into the healthy BMI range, and I am shooting for between 19 and 20 BMI. I get weighed again tomorrow, so I'll let you know what happens!

Tomorrow I also will be registering for classes at Towson. I'm debating between a few interesting options--French, Philosophy, Lit & Film, Shakespeare, Health & Wellness, & 20th C American Novel, and many many more! I plan on taking 3 courses total--any votes/opinions/suggestions?

Have a great rest of your week. Keep your chin up, and I will too!

Health = Happiness

Monday, January 11, 2010

This Semester's Plan

Hello, blogworld!

I apologize for my lack of postage lately. Even when I do post, it's been short and boring these days, so I'm sorry.

Things have been up and down lately. First of all, I might as well come out and tell you my big news:

I will NOT be returning to my college next week.

I am a bit disappointed and upset about this, but I know it's the right decision for me right now. Originally, the plan was for me to move back into my off-campus house and attend classes full-time, graduating on-time in May 2010. However, I haven't made much progress in the weight department, and I struggled a lot with my meal plan over the holidays due to ED-related thoughts, so I have decided that returning to school where I would be practically unsupervised would be a mistake.

My parents, therapists, and I have come up with an alternate plan that I think will actually prove to be quite positive:

I am going to be living at home this semester and will be attending classes at Towson University, which is about 35 minutes from my house and literally right next to my ED treatment center. I am going to take a lighter course load (3 courses), and I plan on taking elective credits that interest me. Then, if all goes well, I will return to Susquehanna U. next fall and will graduate in December 2010, only one semester late.

At first I was upset about this plan, but the more I think about it, the more I think it is the best possible choice. This will allow me to take classes I enjoy, like French and Philosophy, without having the pressure of graduation looming in the near future. I also will be able to continue my therapy with Anne, who I have come to really trust in the past 7 months. Plus, I'll have the support of my family right here every day. And I can always visit my college friends whenever I want, as I'll still be paying rent on our apartment.

Besides, I know some people that go to TU (like my cousin!), so maybe this won't be such a bad thing. I'm still in the process of smoothing out all the details, but pretty soon I'll be enrolling in classes and getting my books!


On the ED front, things are sort of stagnant. I'm not doing any worse, really, but I'm not doing much better either. My weight is still a bit below my goal, and I am struggling with body image and guilt associated with food. I have been working on it, though, and I am confident that I WILL recover.

Classes don't start for another 2 weeks, so I have some free time. I visited with my SU friends this past weekend, and it was a lot of fun. I lost some money at the casino, and danced the night away at the bar. It really was nice to see those girls after so long. I would post pictures, but we didn't take any! Boo.

I am using my mom's crockpot to make greek chicken, and the smell is divine! It is chicken thighs with a lemon broth, oregano, and kalamata olives, and I am going to serve it over rice with peas on the side, and perhaps some dinner rolls and a glass of wine. Divine! I have gotten more comfortable being in the kitchen again, and I actually ENJOY food again (Even if I still feel guilty afterwards. But I look at it as progress, because in the past I used to get anxious before AND after meals, and now I don't as much.).

I'll stop rambling about anorexia, because let's be honest--it's lame and I am so much more than this stupid disorder.


In other news, last week we had the carpet in our family room ripped out and replaced with gorgeous hardwood flooring! Now the entire first floor, besides the library and laundry room, is hardwood! It looks absolutely gorgeous, especially at night when the fireplace reflects on the oak. I have been spending much of my recent time assisting my parents in their redecorating (buying rugs and lamps and such). Everyone was so impressed with how well my bedroom came out (I MUST post photos), so now I am, according to my mother, an HGTV certified designer due to my many ridiculous hours spent watching all of the HGTV Network's shows.

Ok people, I'm probably close to losing your attention by now (if I haven't already), so I'm signing out......


P.S. I just came back to edit this post and add pictures to it, and I am upset because I can't find the USB cord to my camera ANYWHERE! I'm worried that my brother may have accidentally taken it with him to San Diego! What on earth am I going to do?!?!

Friday, January 1, 2010

A New Decade!

Happy 2010!

It's been awhile since I posted, but perhaps that's a good thing--I've been living my life!

Christmas was nice--family, friends, festivity, food, and fun!

And last night we had a New Year's bash that was equal parts wild and low-key. It was just what I needed.

I am looking forward to a new year, and a new decade. I am hoping 2010 will be prosperous, happy, and HEALTHY. I am hoping to return to school in 2 weeks, and to graduate, and to go on with my life.

Happy new year, everyone. I hope it is a wonderful one for all of us.
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