Monday, September 27, 2010

Date Night

Happy (rainy) Monday, folks!

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend. Here in Pennsylvania it was HOT HOT HOT Friday and Saturday, and then yesterday it coooooled off. Today, it's cool and rainy and oh-so-very-autumn outside.

So, what have I been up to?

Well, this weekend was pretty typical, but I really took my feelings and thoughts about last weekend to heart. I still went out and drank and had a great time with my friends, but I paced myself this time and didn't put myself in compromising situations. For example, Friday night at the bar, this guy asked if I wanted to "get out of here", which I knew was code for "get in your pants". So, I declined and went home--by myself. I need to learn to be firm and say NO. And to get the message across that NO MEANS NO.

Saturday, there was a festival in town that I attended with my friend. We walked around and observed the people, food, and festivities. It totally got me in the mood for fall!

Then, since 2 of my roommates went home for the weekend, K and I were by ourselves. We really bonded. We went shopping, ate all our meals together, and she died my hair a shade of light brown called "amber shimmer", which has a nice hint of red. Perfect for fall, and I really love it! K is a natural redhead, so I think she wanted me to be like her....

...see what I mean?!

Then Saturday night, I attended a Surprise 21st Birthday Party for a friend of mine. It was adorable. Then I went to a party and to the bar. The night was definitely interesting and fun-filled in terms of male interactions and experiencing my roommate drunk for the first time ever, but I managed to be home and in bed by 2:30. I was safe, didn't drink too much, and felt totally fine the next day. Now, the roomie is another story....haha. She ended up getting sick so I had to take care of her. But I don't judge--I know she would easily do the same for me.

So, why the title of my post?

Well, friends, I have a DATE tonight. A real, official date! I am SO incredibly nervous and excited. It's kind of a random situation. Basically, there is this guy (whom I will call D for privacy's sake) that I graduated with in high school. We were never really in the same crowd (he was a band geek, I was in theatre), but we were acquainted and had a few classes together over those 4 years. Well, recently we have "reconnected" on Facebook. It sounds silly, but it's the truth. We started chatting online, then texting, then talking on the phone. He is a student at a college in West Virginia that is about 2.5 hours from my school in PA. So, he offered to drive up this afternoon so we can catch up in person and see how things go. So far, things have been pretty flirtatious, but it's really rather hard to make an assessment about where things might go without an actual live date! So, he is going to arrive around 5pm. I plan to show him around campus and then we will walk into town for a nice dinner and maybe some drinks. It's a shame that it's raining, but oh well.

So, wish me luck with D! I am super nervous, mostly because I haven't really been on an official "date" with someone in a very long time. And I actually feel like there could be something between us, so it makes me anxious and hoping I make a good impression. I have no idea what to wear!

I'll be sure to recap very soon.

Wish me luck, and send me some confidence--I am shakin' in my boots here!

Any good conversation topics for first dates???

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Only Tuesday

How can it be only Tuesday?! Last week flew by, and this one is barely crawling. Does anyone else feel this way?

I would be more excited about the GLEE! Premiere tonight if I didn't have night class. Therefore, I'm going to have to catch up online later tonight or tomorrow--so don't spoil it for me, fellow Gleeks!

Anyway, thanks for your support on my last post! It was definitely an emotional weekend when I stopped to look back on this past year and the troubles I've faced, but I still managed to have a good time.

In fact, I am beginning to think maybe I'm having too much fun this last semester of college. I know I'm making up for lost time and all that, and I know I'm 22 and this is my last chance to party before joining the "real world", but I can't help but question myself. I like to have fun and be social and go out and get a little tipsy and dance and flirt and even kiss a few lucky men, but the past couple weeks have been out of control.

This past Saturday, I was up until the sun came up. It was 6am on Sunday when I finally fell asleep--in someone else's bed. I know that sounds totally slutty of me, and well, it kind of is. Which is why I am really starting to think twice about my alcohol consumption on the weekends. Just because people justify binge drinking and doing drugs and having sex with multiple partners by saying "Oh, it's just college", or "I'm young, now's the time to do that", it still doesn't make it healthy. I woke up Sunday morning--ok, more like afternoon--feeling sick to my stomach and emotionally distraught as well. This is the 4th time I have hooked up with this one particular guy, and I know that he is basically using me for sex. We were both very very intoxicated when things occurred this weekend. And although I sometimes hang out with him sober (he even came to visit me at work on Sunday) and he is a nice guy, I really don't want to get emotionally involved with someone who is willing to take advantage of me like that. I mean, I take full responsibility for my actions, and he was just as drunk as I was, if not worse, but still. Our relationship, if it can even be called that, is so confusing. It's a pattern of hook-up on the weekends, maybe talk sporadically during the week, and act like friends when we are sober. But then when we're at a party together and he holds my hand and walks me home and kisses me and then wants me to spend the night so we can cuddle, it makes things so much more confusing. I keep telling myself that I don't have feelings for him and that I'm totally cool with this casual "friends with benefits" relationship. But I know deep down that I'm not okay with it. I deserve to be respected, as a friend and as a woman.

So, I'm not sure what this even means, or why I posted about such a personal topic (my sex life--yikes!) on this blog. However, saying it out loud (or technically, "typing" it out loud) makes it real. I need to think through the consequences of my actions, both physical and emotional, before I go through with something. Hopefully next weekend I will have fun but still manage to remain respectful of myself.

What are your opinions on college partying? Is it normal and acceptable and something everyone should experience, or do you think destructive behaviors are a dangerous epidemic among college students?

I fall somewhere in between. I see no problem with enjoying your youth and having fun, but I also think that too much drinking, sex, smoking, etc, can be incredibly detrimental to your physical--and mental--health.

Friday, September 17, 2010

A Year Ago Today

Ok, so the big "day" I'm referring to in my post is actually tomorrow, but I felt like posting about it today. So, here we go...

A year ago today...

  • I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life
  • I finally reached out for help--and accepted it with humility
  • I checked myself into the hospital by my own accord and no one else's
  • I cried more than I have ever cried in a single day in my life
  • I also ate more in a single day than I had in a very long time
  • I was told I might not make it through the night because my blood sugar and heart rate were so low
  • I watched my parents walk away, and wondered when I would see them again
  • I met some amazing girls, men, and women who I will never, EVER forget
  • I gave up my education, relationships, and everything else so that I could finally get better
  • I tried to stay strong and follow all the rules
  • I felt disgusting and huge and worthless and didn't care if I died overnight
  • But then I thought about my family, and my friends, and about my future children, and I knew I needed to bite the bullet and recover

Since then...

  • I have made many gains, both in my weight and in my mind
  • I have also "slipped up" more times than I can count
  • I have felt ashamed, alone, and disgusted with myself
  • But I also have felt loved, beautiful, and happy
  • I have lost and gained and lost and gained
  • I have gone from inpatient to IOP to outpatient
  • I have gone from no school to living at home and commuting, to finally living on my own again

A year from now...

  • I don't know where I'll be...and for once, I'm ok with that
  • I know that the road is going to have many bumps and that the mountains I will climb will be unbearable
  • But I also know that the view from the top is worth it, and I refuse to give up
  • Maybe I'll be living at home again, and maybe I'll be in my own place
  • But what I do know is that, a year from now...
  • I will be living. Not existing, or barely scraping by. Living.

* p.s. my grandfather has been released from the hospital and is now home and recovering wonderfully. thank goodness. *

Monday, September 13, 2010

With the Good Also Comes the Bad

Hello, friends. Happy Monday!
I hope everyone had a relaxing, fulfilling weekend.

My life has been crazy lately. I am getting back into the school/work/homework/sleep routine, and it's been difficult at times, but I am managing. I already have a lot of quizzes, projects, meetings, and reading, but I am making sure to take time each day to read for pleasure, or take a walk, or do a few restorative yoga poses. It is definitely worth it to carve out 15 minutes of "me" time each day--I feel so much better, and am more productive overall!

So, the title of my post basically sums up my situation right now.

Some positives in my life recently are:

1. A great roommate situation. The girls in my apartment are fantastic, and we have really grown close.

2. A crazy social life! I feel like I am really having fun here. I have made girl friends and guy friends, and I have been letting loose on the weekends and allowing myself to drink and snack without feeling any guilt whatsoever. This is a huge deal for me. For example, last Thursday, I was getting ready to go to bed around 9:30pm when my friends invited me to the bar for drinks. Ordinarily, this would freak me out because it is sporadic and unplanned. However, I was actually pleased and excited to be invited out, and I ended up going and having a wild and crazy time. Ok, so maybe I regretted the tequila shot and 3 beers the next day because of my headache, but I did not berate myself about it. And I didn't once worry about the calories. This is amazing to me. I am so proud of myself.

3. I got to see my mom, cat, and best friend this Friday. I went home because my mom was having a party, and it was nice to see some familiar faces--and sleep in my big Queen-sized bed at home!

But, as always, with the good comes the bad. That's life.

Bad things recently:

1. I had my first quiz in my Learning & Motivation class...and it was incredibly difficult. I am not looking forward to getting my grade on that one.

2. There was a guy who I was interested in who has pretty much blown me off. I'm trying not to dwell on it, and I want to enjoy my singledom, but it's still a bit of an ego killer.

3. My grandfather, who is 84 years old, had to have emergency open heart surgery this past Friday. When my mom and dad called with the news, I was shocked and upset. Luckily, he has been recovering well, and is out of the intensive care unit, but still has to stay in the hospital for the next week so he can be monitored. I know that he is old, and that life and death are natural cycles, but it still is difficult to know that someone close to me is deteriorating. My grandparents live in Pittsburgh, which is a good 4 hours from my college, but I think I am going to make the journey out there sometime in the next week or so. Family is worth it.


So, things have been good and bad. And that's ok. I am dealing, and I am dealing in a much healthier way than I would have dealt even a few months ago.

Do I still feel the urge to restrict when I'm upset, or to go run 5 miles? Yes. I won't lie and say those thoughts don't cross my mind. They do, often more than I'd like them to. However, I am learning to ignore those thoughts and to realize that starving myself to avoid my feelings is not only unhealthy, it is downright dangerous. My body is precious, and I really need to take care of it--and fuel it--properly.

What are your favorite self-soothing techniques? Mine as of late involve yoga, breathing exercises, and losing myself in a good book.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Super Senior Year Ain't So Bad

Greetings, Friends!

Here are some photos of my new life here at SU:

my room

common area (before we made it more "homey" with posters, etc)

kitchen/breakfast bar

me & the ladies before going out on saturday night!

out at a party

...and this picture sums up my mood all weekend :-)


Now, it's back to the daily grind for my second week of classes. Tonight I work @ the coffee shop from 9:30 until closing, so it will be a late night. That's ok--as long as I'm getting paid, right?!

I just got back from dinner in the caf & had the most random mix of foods: steamed broccoli, a sweet potato, baked chicken, and some veggie soup. I am trying to work on variety in my diet, and I am trying to choose things that I wouldn't ordinarily choose or that I don't have often (like the sweet potato). It's still a process, and I'm still learning, but I'm starting to be a lot calmer before, during, and after mealtimes. Blogging right now also helps.

Also, I went grocery shopping today and bought more of those delicious dark chocolate-covered banana babies that I love, as long as some other random staples, like granola bars and pretzels.

My goals for the month of September are as follows:

  • reach my goal weight (almost there!) and maintain it

  • slowly re-introduce exercise in a healthy manner

  • take time every day to do something for myself

  • keep up with my studies without getting too stressed out

  • allow myself to have fun (but not too much fun! haha)

What are your goals this month?

Friday, September 3, 2010

College Life

Oh, hey there.

Sorry I haven't been consistently posting, but for the first time since my ED, I've actually been living the dream. Staying out late, sleeping in, and eating delicious greasy college food.

...And drinking my weight in alcohol. Which a year ago I never would have allowed myself to do (too many calories and blah blah blah).

Last night I worked until midnight and still managed to have a great time afterwards. I've made so many new friends, and gotten closer to old ones as well. I've had so much fun since I moved in, and this is only just the beginning!

I think it's finally starting to click for me. Food doesn't have to be scary. It doesn't have to be the enemy. If I want an apple, I'll eat an apple. If I want a piece of cake, I'll eat a piece of cake. It's all about balance, people. Instead of depriving myself of the things I like, I'm learning to indulge in them--in moderation. Try it. Seriously. I used to be SO afraid that if I ate one cookie I'd eat the whole box. But that's not true. Our bodies know what they want. And if I do end up eating a few too many cookies (such as during an evening of drinking)? Oh well. It's not the end of the world.

Food is losing its power over me. I finally feel like I am moving on with my life again.

This weekend, take a moment to sit down in a quiet, calm space, and reflect on your life as it is right now. Make a list of 5 things you are grateful for. Even if everything is in shambles and you feel lost and alone, I guarantee you can think of something. It can be as simple as "the sun is shining today" or "i like the color of my nail polish" or "i made my bed today". Even the little things in life can be powerful.
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