Friday, July 31, 2009

Adieu for now, ladies!

So, I am leaving tomorrow afternoon to move back into my house at school. I called the cable company to set up a time for internet and cable installation, but the earliest they can come is Monday, August 10th. Sooo I'll be living all by myself in a 4-bedroom, 2 bathroom house with no TV or internet for a week out of the 2 that I'm there. At first I was freaking out, but I think it could be a really positive thing. Sometimes I feel like we depend too much on technology to keep us occupied, so this just means I'll have to be a little more creative. Plus, I am working at a creative writing camp for kids in the mornings from 8-12:30 each day, and I'll have internet access there (so maybe I'll be able to do a quick post or two). Also, I live right next to the public library and within walking distance of campus, so anytime I am super bored, or if I start to miss you guys too much and want some blog lovin', I can walk on over to campus and get online!

So anyway, let me back up a little and tell you about my week. It's been pretty boring, to be honest, and kind of difficult mentally. I feel like I take 5 steps back for every 1 step forward. But at least that means I'm still overall moving in a positive direction, however slowly it may be.

Wednesday was my weigh-in with Courtney, and also my therapy session with Anne that my mom decided to attend with me. First, the weigh-in: I barely gained. Not even half a pound. I admitted to her that I probably haven't been eating enough. She told me to increase to 3 Ensure Pluses a day, and to add some more snacks. I don't know why, but it's been SO hard for me to eat lately without feeling terrible about myself! (Oh, wait. Could the reason possibly be that I have an ED? hahaha.) Sorry, I'm a bit sleepy.

But I am just struggling because I keep going back and forth. I'm happy to be gaining but when I see the number rise I freak out. I enjoy delicious food but after I eat I feel fat and guilty and worthless. It's difficult for me, and some days I don't even want to make lunch because I struggle so much with deciding what to make and how much and what I should drink and whether or not I should have a snack. I was doing so well for awhile, and now I feel like I am ruminating wayyy too much on food.

But I am hoping this 2-week stint where I have a job and am living on my own and cooking my own meals will be a good test for me. A good test of strength. I have already typed up a list of goals and positive affirmations to hang in my room. And I have lots of lists of meal and snack ideas Courtney gave me that I put in a binder. And 2 brand-new cookbooks that I can't wait to break open! I WILL conquer this. I also forced myself to make plans with friends for during the 2 weeks so that I stay sane and social and connected. And so I EAT enough. I am going to my roommate's house next weekend for Musikfest, which is this awesome music festival with lots of drinking and music (duh) and people selling crafts and just lots of fun things. So, I'm really excited about that.

Ok so this is longer than I thought. But let me get back to my week. So, the meeting w/ my mom was pretty pointless. She was so concerned with making herself look good to Anne that she lied out of her ass and I kept my mouth shut because I don't even have the energy or even care enough anymore to fight her. Even tonight, she was in a bad mood after a long day at work and she just says things to purposely trigger me. I can't wait to get away. My dad agrees. He said I need to get away from her. Tonight, she was all stressed out trying to decide what to wear to some family reunion my parents are going to (I can't go b/c of the camp), and she just kept making negative comments about how "fat" she is and about wanting to look younger, etc etc. and my dad and I were getting annoyed. And I told her that she should be more focused on how she feels and on having a fun time and that it isn't all about appearances and that she'll look great no matter what and that nobody is going to think she looks old or fat. 

And she said "Life IS all about appearances. Whoever says it isn't is just lying.  All people care about is how you look." and continued on and on with words like these. Here I am, a recovering anorexic, finally realizing there is so much more to life than a number on a scale or how your hair looks or what outfit you have on, and she goes and rains on my parade. *sigh*

Oh well. Anyway, I am determined this time to make this work and to push the negative thoughts away and replace them with positive ones. Today I was going to push myself to take a run, but I realized I was too tired and sore and so I didn't. I didn't exercise at all. And I probably won't tomorrow either. Even though I went out to dinner tonight and will tomorrow. And guess what? I didn't grow 8 chins and I didn't die or anything! ED is so silly and irrational sometimes, and I think I'm finally able to counter those thoughts with more productive ones. Yes, the negativity still lurks, but I'm learning to fight back.

The rest of my week has been a bit droll and boring, but I'm ok with it. I am getting lots of reading and writing done, and will probably do a lot more in these next 2 weeks. And I think working with kids will be fun, and I'll be making a little bit of money and keeping myself occupied, if only for a few hours.

This post is so ridiculously long, and I apologize. Hopefully I'll be posting soon! Adios ladies! 

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Oh, how I miss Paris....

leisurely strolls to the Eiffel Tower...

visiting Claude Monet's home...

experiencing the majesty of God...

standing at the base of the Arc du Triomphe...

fountains and beautiful gardens and castles....

& luscious pastries galore...

Just a handful of the splendid experiences I miss from my trip to France......


Ok, so, thank you all SO INCREDIBLY MUCH for your kind words of support and encouragement on my last post. And thanks also for kicking some sense back into me! I WILL beat this thing, and I have already come so far, and I am NOT fat, and I probably never will be. 

Saturday night made things a whole lot better. Once again, I would post pictures but my camera cord is at school. So, when I move in this weekend (THIS WEEKEND! I can't believe it!!!), I will be sure to post some. Except, we haven't set up our cable or internet in our new house, so I may be MIA for a few days next week til it all gets worked out.


Originally a group of girls was going to go out and drink and dance, but it ended up being just my friend Kristen (one of the girls from my 21st birthday bash) and I. And actually, it was really really nice just the two of us. She goes to UMBC (University of Maryland Baltimore County), and I met up with her at her apartment, which is only 30 minutes from my house. I met her roommates' 4 adorable little kittens, and then Kristen took me to this place for a late, swanky dinner:

It's a Japanese Fusion bar, and I got a shrimp teriyaki bowl with veggies and rice, and a Ninja to drink--it was divine! The "Ninja" includes: Van Gogh Double Espresso Vodka, Creme de Menthe, Creme de Cacao, and a splash of cream. Basically, it tasted like mint chocolate chip ice cream with a twist. We also split the Banana Wontons for dessert, which are fried wontons with banana, chocolate, brown sugar, and cinnamon inside, topped with chocolate sauce and served with Kahlua espresso ice cream! Needless to say, I felt very well-fed and satisfied.

After our meal, the rain was letting up (thank goodness!), so we drove into Baltimore city for a night on the town. Our first choice, Fells Point, seemed lame--there were people my parents' age at all the bars! We quickly changed our minds and went back to Federal Hill, where we had spent my birthday. We spent our whole night, from 11pm to 2am, at Mad River Bar and Grille! It was amazing!!!

I felt SO much better about myself. I wore the black and white dress I posted pics of before, and I actually felt pretty. Men bought us drinks, men danced with us, and 2 British boys invited us back to the Holiday Inn with them (we went, which was stupid, but then left right away because it was super sketchy and Kristen and I are NOT sluts. Flirts, yes, but sluts, no! haha).

All in all, Saturday night was fabulous. I was SO happy that I drank (I still have a weird complex about caloric beverages, alcoholic or otherwise, and am still trying to overcome this by trading my usual Diet Soda at lunch for a glass of juice or lemonade). I drank vodka and cranberry, which in my ED days would have been considered WAY too caloric. I also had a shot of sweet tea Firefly vodka (paid for by a man named Alex who was supposedly "24" but I think was probably 30 hahaha), and also had a gin and tonic.

Sunday, I paid for it though. I was feeling suuuper hung over for the first time since my birthday! I am going to try not to make binge-drinking a habit at school. Yes, going out to the clubs and dancing is (and was!) super-fun, but I am going to try to pace myself more. Plus, I'm spunky even when I'm sober, and totally not afraid to dance like an idiot even if I haven't had a drop of alcohol. So my goal when the semester starts is to limit drinking to the weekends, and to never have more than 3 drinks in one "sitting". I think this is reasonable. I can still get "tipsy" and have fun and dance, but I won't be feeling like crap the whole next day.

Sunday, my parents and I went shoe shopping and I bought this ridiculous pair of SILVER 4-inch heels that I plan on strutting my stuff in at the bar. WOO! They were $19 on sale, and something VERY outside of my comfort zone, but I figured why not! You only live once, right??

I also took a 2-mile jog with my dad, which I haven't really done in awhile. It was nice, but I definitely am kind of "out of shape". Oh well. I need to focus on getting to a healthier, happier body weight before I stress myself out about my pathetic 9-minute-mile pace.

I am going to try to be positive this week. It's my last few days at home, so I am spending my days packing, doing yoga, reading and writing, collaging, and getting everything ready for school. I want to enjoy my last few days of boringness. I've been complaining all summer about boredom, but now that work is right around the corner, I want to put on the brakes and take some time to relax!!!!!

Hope you all take some time to relax, as well. 

Thanks for everything. You ladies have changed my life, and in some ways, even saved it. I am incredibly thankful for the support of this community of beautiful, strong, intelligent women. 

Do something for YOURSELF today!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

How Can My Mood Change so Quickly???

I need encouragement, my friends. BIG TIME.

I don't even know how to explain it, but I feel absolutely HORRIBLE about myself. It started yesterday. I restricted during the day and at the concert (which was fun except for the hour-long thunderstorm that postponed the concert for awhile and everyone ran for cover) my "dinner" was a very unsatisfying ice cream sundae and half a soft pretzel. Then of course John Mellencamp's violinist had to be this skeletally thin woman who was clearly actively anorexic. And my rational voice said "EW! Aren't you glad you don't look like that anymore?" But then my ED voice kicked in and was comparing myself to her and wishing I could be like that again. And I started getting hungry and LIKING the feeling of hunger. What the heck is wrong with me? I am insane. Who LIKES being hungry?!

Then we got home at midnight and I was REALLY hungry so I basically binged for an hour on milkshakes and cereal and peanut butter and gulped down 2 Ensures, which I don't think is safe. Then felt even more terrible about myself so this morning I took a run (albeit I only went like a mile, but I pushed myself way too hard, especially because I've been feeling sick lately).

Then realized I was hungry after the run so I had a fried egg, toast with butter, a huge bowl of cereal, a Luna bar, and a foamy mocha cappuccino drink that has like a billion calories. And now I feel shitty again.

What is my deal??? (NOTE: I am about to post numbers. Just a warning in case it is triggering.....)

I am not even 110 yet, and my goal is to be 115 by Sept 1 and 120-125 is my final goal (sorry to post numbers, I know I shouldn't but I am because I need to rationalize things for myself).

If I am still over 5 pounds away from my SHORT-TERM goal and 10 pounds from my final goal, why do I feel so FAT? And yucky and gross and worthless?

I know, I know, an anorexic saying she's "fat". Typical. Silly. Illogical. STUPID.

 ED is kicking my butt lately, guys, and I just don't know what to do!

I restrict, then I binge, then I try to exercise to make myself feel better, then I binge again, then I'll probably restrict later. What is my problem???

AAAHHH. Sorry. You guys are probably gonna stop reading my blog because I've become utterly insane. I'm sorry....I just need support right now.    

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Gaining and feeling sick

So, I went to the nutritionist yesterday for my weekly weigh-in, and I gained over 2 whole pounds! Whoah baby! Needless to say, my ED voice was like HOLY COW! and wanted me to immediately restrict again, but I refuse to let that happen! My goal is to gain, and gain I will! Plus, I leave in a little over a week to go back to school and work at a summer camp, and I really wanna be up a few more pounds by then.

Courtney (my nutritionist) was really happy, and it made me happy that she was happy with me! I'm glad the supplement drinks and shakes haven't been in vain! She even told me I could add another one to my day if I feel up to it (I've been doing 2 a day). Now, Ensure Plus isn't the most appetizing, but it's working, and if I mix it w/ fruit or ice cream or yogurt, it isn't half bad at all. Also, if I add the extra one in by "sneaking" it into oatmeal and recipes, then it won't be so bad.

So, I also met with Anne, my counselor, yesterday. I find myself EXHAUSTED after my sessions with her. Not in a bad way, but it just gets overwhelming sometimes talking about such heavy stuff. My mom and dad might come to my next session, which makes me nervous, but I think it would be good for us all to sit down and chat. Plus, maybe my Mom will be able to better understand things. My mother likes things to be black and white and have a definite answer, and I think the many layers of ED and the complexity of it bothers her. Last night she kept asking me what happened and why it happened and I got really upset. Obviously, if I knew the easy answer, it wouldn't be an issue!!!

Oh well. I need to do what's best for me. 

OH! Tomorrow night should be fun. My parents and I are going to Bob Dylan, John Melloncamp, and Willie Nelson in concert! It's an outdoor event, so let's pray it doesn't rain! Then on Saturday I am going bar-hopping with some friends in either Washington, D.C., Baltimore, or Annapolis.

I bought some Whey Protein Powder to mix into my smoothies. Anyone else use this stuff? Good or bad?

Also, ever since I've been getting "healthier" aka gaining weight, I feel more and more exhausted!!! I can't sleep very well, I get cold a lot, my throat hurts, and I just feel lack of energy! What's the deal? Do you think I'm just getting legitimately sick or has anyone else experienced this in recovery??

I would post more pics to liven this up, but unfortunately silly Coco left her camera cord at school when she moved into her house this weekend (which went really well, by the way--faced a lot of fear foods, like pulled pork sandwiches and slushy thick mocha drinks at coffee shops!, and the house itself looks fabulous!).

Here are a couple pics my mom took, though:

our living room area. lots of windows and enough room for an air hockey/beer pong table! sweeet.

kitchen. also lots of light and windows! this is where i'll be making delicious meals!

me (looking weird) and my room! my room has 3 windows and faces out onto the street. we are within walking distance of town (aka restaurants & bars) AND campus (aka class & work). Perfect!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Difficult Choices

First, of all, I want to say thank you TORI (and I guess, thank the Gods of Chance) for choosing me as one of your winners in your drawing! It really made my day :-)


Ok, so, as you know from my last post, things had been weird with my mom. Well, I'm afraid it really isn't much better. We haven't "fought" again this week, but I feel like there's tension. I talked to my therapist on Wednesday about it, and I think I've figured it out: 

My mom is afraid to deal with my eating disorder because of her OWN insecurities. I'm serious. I asked her to read a book about it, and she seemed uncomfortable by the idea. 

Also, I started reading "Do I Look Fat in This?" by Jessica Weiner (who wrote "A Very Hungry Girl", her own memoir about her struggle with ED which I have yet to read b/c it wasn't in the library). I highly recommend this book to women EVERYWHERE, whether you have an ED or not, are young or old, black or white, whatever. Jess talks about the "Language of Fat", and how women are practically encouraged by society to "bond" over body-hatred and "feeling fat". But remember, FAT IS NOT A FEELING!

But anyway, there is a section in her book about mother-daughter relationships, and also about friendships and how women seem to compete and thrive off of one-another's poor body image. It's sick. There are real-life examples in the book, and I realized that my mom and I are a prime example. I know my mom doesn't do it intentionally, but she really is just unhappy with herself and always has been for as long as I can remember, and it has rubbed off on me and my own feelings about my own body. For example, growing up, my mom always warned me that I was going to inevitably inherit her big hips and thunder thighs, and small boobs. It's like I've been "doomed" since I was born!

But Jess's book is about how life doesn't begin 5 pounds from now, and we should spend our time furthering our relationships and careers and living our lives rather than spending all our time obsessing over calories and clothes and images and berating ourselves.

So anyway, last night my mom colored my hair (just blonde again like usual b/c I had some massive roots! Although this time it's a bit lighter for summer), and I was reading the "Do I Look Fat in This?" book while I waited for the color to set. And so I thought, it's just the two of us, dad isn't home, so I'm gonna try to connect with her. SO I say "Hey mom, I think you'd really find this book interesting.", and tried to tell her about the positive message Jess sends about the Language of Fat and how we should cast it aside.

And my mom goes "Oh, come on, honey. That's just how women are. You can't get mad at me for saying I want to lose weight, because I need to lose weight." So I tried to explain that it is hard for me to overcome my ED thoughts about body image when she has such a poor body image herself, and sure enough, she got all defensive. And this is what she actually said to me:

"Well, I'm sorry, but you can't expect everyone around you to change. It's like an alcoholic expecting people to stop drinking around them or something. It's just not realistic." 

And I said that if someone I loved was an alcoholic and they told me it would help them recover better if I didn't drink around them, then I would MAKE THAT SACRIFICE out of love for them. At this point she walked away. And this is after she had already made comments about "WOW! I didn't realize how much your hair had thinned recently. We usually need 2 boxes of haircolor but I think we'll only need one!" and "Jeez, your ends are really dry and damaged!" Gee, thanks ma.

I really don't know what to do. My mom honestly speaks the language of fat ALL THE TIME, and Jess' book is making me realize that, and it makes me realize how toxic that is for my situation right now. My recovery is honestly lacking because of this. For example, we went to Yoga together last night and ran into my mom's super-fit, gym-crazed friend and they were both joking about their "flabby" stomachs and how they need to start working out more.

It drives me crazy. Every time I flip the channel, there's some new diet trick or workout machine or stupid trend involving liquid diets. It's sickening. Truly sickening. It makes me ashamed that I fell into the trap, but also makes me sad because I don't want any more women to fall as hard as I did. I could have DIED. I literally was near-death only 3 months ago. And yet, my mom continues to live her life in a cycle of diet/exercise, lose a few pounds, eat again, gain a few pounds, berate herself, diet again, lose a few pounds, etc etc.

Why can't it all stop? EEEEK.

Ok enough ranting.

Wednesday I had a weigh-in at the nutritionist and it went down 2 pounds. Not good. SO I have been told to lower my activity levels and now I have to drink 2-3 Ensure Plus supplements a day, in addition to my meal plan of a LARGE breakfast, lunch, and dinner, plus 2-3 snacks! Ughh. I've been making interesting creatins w/ the Ensure, though, like the milkshake I had last night that actually wasn't half-bad.

I really need to gain 5 more pounds before school, or I seriously am afraid my mom won't let me go. I know she doesn't trust me and thinks I'm going to fall right back into it again, so I need to prove to her that I can do it. It just makes it really hard for me to motivate myself to gain when she comes home from work bragging about the fact that she had cottage cheese and a hard-boiled egg for lunch. GAH.

Alright, enough of this. I am going to seize the day! I am making a collage at the moment of inspirational words and pretty pictures from magazine clippings. And I've decided NOT to include any pictures of super-thin models in the collage, because that's just stupid. REAL women are SO much sexier.

Also seeing Harry Potter this afternoon! And then going out to dinner w/ my friend Sasha and her boyfriend. A little nervous because I've never met him before and social/eating out situations are always stressful, so this just makes it twice as stressful. Wish me luck!

Have a fabulous weekend! I won't be around b/c I'll be moving things into my new apartment!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Toxic Relationship...

So, this weekend was great! I went backpacking with my dad at Shenandoah National Park in Virginia. We did a 12 mile total hike (6 miles in, 6 miles out) and camped overnight in the woods. This wasn't your "girly" camping trip w/ a campsite and restrooms and little grills. This is a 2,000 foot drop on our 6 miles in, and 2,000 feet uphill on the way out. This was peeing in the woods, making freeze-dried food and oatmeal via a fire, and basically "living off the land". It was also very physically strenuous carrying a pack while hiking!

HOWEVER, I am NOT complaining. Because it was AMAZING. I bonded with my dad SO much, and really opened up to him about my struggles. And he took the time to listen. We sat in the tent playing cards and just...talking. And sleeping out in the wild made me really appreciate nature to its fullest. It was beautiful. It was also such a nice feeling of camaraderie among hikers. Also, backpacking is a great lesson on moderation. You only pack the food, clothing, and supplies you NEED--nothing more, nothing less. So, it was a really great experience and I'm STILL sore!


Now, on to the title of this post....

Last night, my mom and I got into a fight. Not just a little tiff, but literally an EPIC BATTLE. We both said some hurtful things. I won't go into detail, but basically I am starting to realize that my relationship with my mother is making recovery more difficult. It is harsh but true. Does anyone else have this problem?

There is a lack of TRUST. There is a lack of COMMUNICATION. There is a lack of UNDERSTANDING. And even my dad was angry at her. I'm realizing that the reason I'm such a perfectionist by nature is because growing up, I was always--and still am--trying to please her. No matter what I did/do, it just never quite measured up. For example, here's a typical conversation we'd have about school:

Me: "Mom, I got a B on my Biopsych test! I'm so excited!" (Biopsych is the hardest class I've taken in college)
Mom: "Oh, that's good I guess...but couldn't you have gotten an A?"

whereas my dad would say that as long as I truly studied hard and did my absolute best, that's great. And the sad thing is, even with ED full-force last semester, I got a 3.9 GPA. I got all A's and ONE A-. And yes, my parents are proud, but I feel like I never measure up to my mom. She always brags about Ryan (my older brother) and how he went to the Naval Academy and now he's a Marine Officer and he's going to flight school and blah blah. And Colleen, oh yeah...she goes to college. 

I'm not blaming my brother, and I'm not even trying to place blame on my mom for my disorder. HOWEVER, I have realized that she beats me down, even about little things, and that's where yesterday's fight began. My mom had a rough childhood with an alcoholic, abusive mother, and I think she never learned to stand up for herself. And my mom certainly is not abusive, and I love her dearly, and she is wonderful in many ways.

But when it comes to my ED, she doesn't listen. She doesn't trust me or believe in me. She already told me she doesn't think I'll make it through the semester. She thinks I'll fall back into my old ways. She thinks I will never get over this. But yet, she gets mad at me when I try to tell her I'm struggling. When I'm honest about the demons I am facing, she pushes me away. I don't think she wants to deal with my ED because it's inconvenient for HER.

I know in my heart that she isn't intentional when she says certain things, and that it's probably been incredibly difficult for her after all these months. However, I am realizing (and even my dad told me this) that now, at this point in my life, it is absolutely imperative that I be as selfish as possible. I need to focus on me. I need to stand up to my ED and stand up for ME. And if that means standing up to my mother, so be it.

It's going to be rough, but I really want my mom and I to work on our relationship so we can both be at peace with each other. I love her more than words can describe, but when it comes to my eating disorder, sometimes I'm afraid she'll never treat me the same or trust me EVER AGAIN. How can I have faith in my own recovery when she doubts me?

Does anyone else have issues like these? Sorry for the long rant. Most of you probably didn't read the whole thing anyway lol.


OK, well, off to Yoga at 6. Hopefully it'll relax me. Then we're supposed to watch a movie together, all 3 of us, tonight. (Revolutionary Road, I just started her free trial of Netflix and it came in the mail today.)

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Another week down!

Hello, friends!

I just want to say that I am SO glad I stumbled upon this blogging community. Without reading of your weaknesses, struggles, strengths, and accomplishments, I would never be able to come to terms with my own. I have been struggling mentally lately, and also physically, as I haven't gained in over a month :-( But reading your blogs keeps me going, and makes me know that I'm not alone!

So, the 4th of July weekend ended up being pretty good, actually. My aunt and uncle came, and I was nervous because on Saturday there was a LOT of food--we had a crab feast in the afternoon, and burgers and bratwurst later in the night. I tried a little bit of everything, and it was just fine. Then on Sunday we went to Harper's Ferry, WV, which is this super-cool historical town 45 minutes away. We walked around, and when my family wanted to stop for ice cream I almost freaked out, but my mom was really awesome about it and we shared a "small" cup--which was HUGE for a SMALL. I'd say we each got like 2 cups of ice cream! haha.

A lot of going out to eat recently. But I've been getting a lot better at it. Sunday we all went for italian, and I let myself get my old favorite--shrimp fra diavolo. It was fantastic!

Last night was interesting. My friend Trisha and I met up for dinner. She is a recovering anorexic/bulimic/compulsive overexerciser. She is 22, and for her it started as early as 5th grade. We had a lot in common and really learned a lot about each other, but I feel like she was bringing me down.

For example, she kept saying that it will never go away and that I'll just have to learn to deal with it, basically. Then I think she could tell I was a bit upset by this, so she quickly said "Well, maybe for me it's different since it went on for so long. You at least have some reference of a normal childhood and normal eating to go back to."

But it just made me sad. She said she still won't drink caloric beverages, and she still measures things, and she still calculates everything in her mind. I was hoping that going to dinner with her would reassure me and encourage me, but now I feel so hopeless. 

However, I can't let someone else's negativity bring me down! It's mind over matter! Just because she chooses to "give in" to the ED thoughts doesn't mean I have to, right???


So tonight, my younger cousin Natasha (she's 11) is going to be in a play. Her camp is doing High School Musical, and she is Sharpay! hahaha. Never actually saw the movie, but it should be cute. Only thing is, this means ANOTHER dinner out. It's also my Mom-mom's birthday, so we're going to some tapas place beforehand to celebrate. I don't even know what that means! *sigh* wish me luck!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

A Good Bad Day

Evening, ladies!

So, today was a weird day. Good AND bad, I suppose. Good because I finally got a decent night's sleep so I woke up feeling refreshed. Also good because the sun was out and there was a light breeze, but it wasn't TOO hot. Good because I went for a bike ride (only like 10 minutes though haha) and it felt so nice to have the wind in my hair. Good because I took myself shopping and splurged on myself a little. I bought this new dress (and the pink clutch, which will be used as a "bar" purse):

Dress: $15
Clutch: $10
Bracelet & shoes: model's own

haha I love when they do that in magazines

Then I proceeded to pose in the dress. And take pictures of myself (SO modest, I know.)

aaand another, then I promise I'm done with the dress!:

So, as I was saying, today was good. So, I bought the dress and the clutch and a couple other random things, like some crafty fun stuff at Michael's and also a gift for my mom. I would tell you what it is, but she tends to creep on my Facebook and may come across this blog, so I don't wanna spoil it for her. So anyway, I was feeling pretty positive and keeping myself busy, and then I realized it was almost 2 pm and I hadn't eaten lunch yet, so I ran home and made this not-so-special sandwich w/ chicken and cheese, plus some veggies & pretzels w/ hummus dip on the side. 

And as for the Luna bar, well I actually never ate it. I had a large watermelon slice instead.

So, the day was going pretty well, and I was doing laundry and cleaning and stuff because my aunt and uncle are coming down from Pittsburgh for the 4th of July (which should be interesting because they haven't seen me since Christmas, and I am still a good 15 pounds lighter than I was then. *sigh*. However, it will be fun because we are having a crab feast! YAY Maryland blue crabs! My favorite food ever. Crabs, corn on the cob--with Old Bay seasoning, of course!--and beeeer. It's gonna be redic.).

So, then the day started going bad. Not "bad", per se. But ED is creeping back in, I can feel it. We decided to go to Olive Garden tonight, which is where I used to work in high school, and even after working there I can tell you that it's actually very clean in the kitchen and stuff, even after that nationwide scare. I genuinely like their food, too.

But as soon as my mom suggested it, I got all freaked out and was like OMG what am I gonna order? And I was pissed that I had eaten lunch so late b/c I wasn't even HUNGRY for OG. And then my ED started flipping a shit, making me check the calories online. I ended up still eating a big, hearty meal: first I had a free sample of pinot grigio, then I had a frozen fruity cocktail thing (which is like 200 calories. gahhh ED stop ittt), and then I had Minestrone soup as an appetizer and then Cheese Ravioli w/ Marinara sauce as my meal. Plus half a breadstick. And it was all very delicious and tasty. Except I didn't enjoy it like I should have. Annie (my nickname for anorexia. I'm SO original) kept me from fully enjoying myself. Each bite felt like a chore. And I felt sick to my stomach. And disgusting and fat. And I ate almost the entire thing, but only because my parents were there. And I just hate her for doing this to me. I usually LOVE going out to eat. 

And I'm even freaking out about my relatives coming this weekend because, not to sound harsh or anything but my aunt and uncle are rather large and like to consume rather large quantities of food. And my mom's already talking about burgers and hot dogs and yada yada and ED is like OMG NO. And I know I don't have to eat as much as everyone else, and I can still eat a normal amount, but I just get so nervous in social situations and I feel like I have something to prove to them. Like I have to stuff my face in front of them so they believe that I'm actually recovering.

GAH it's so difficult. Annie is telling me I look fine and don't need to gain. And yes, I have gained about 15 pounds in the past 2 months which is INSANE, but I could use a good 10 or 15 more at LEAST. And recently, it's not that I've been restricting per se, but I definitely haven't been in "gain" mode. It's so exhausting sometimes. I just want to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full and not overeat or undereat or feel guilty or analyze calories or any of those other stupid ED time-consuming things. I just wanna be a normal person like I was a year or 2 ago. 

Will this ever get better? I know there will be good days and bad days, but I just want to stop freaking out so much. I'm afraid that I won't be able to accept my body when I gain all the weight back. I'm getting too comfortable at this "in-between" stage and I'm worried. I need to just put the pedal to the metal and GAIN right now or else I'm afraid I never will.

P.S. It doesn't help that people keep telling me how AWESOME and beautiful I look. If I look so great, then why do I need to gain 15 more pounds???? It's so confusing. I know people are trying to make me feel good about how far I've come, but when ED hears the compliments, ED doesn't want to gain....

On a lighter note, I took a couple pics of my best friend Boomer the cat, and also of my Beta fish, Claude Monet. And of my room here at home so you can see where the magic (doesn't) happen!

Boomer booo

his old collar was argyle and red and black and super cool, but he lost it. laaame.

blondes have more fun


my room:
I keep it yellow and bright to make me happy!

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