Monday, December 7, 2009


Hello, friends!

A lot has changed since my last post. I don't want to go into details about everything, but I have stopped attending IOP and have decided to increase my number of visits with my individual therapist. My parents and I will also start family therapy this week.

I went out to lunch on Friday with the 'rents and challenged myself by ordering the "Ultimate Breast" (I swear, that's what it was called!)--a humongous grilled chicken breast w/ cheese, mushrooms, and fried onions on a greasy bun, complete with a towering pile of french fries doused in ketchup! I felt a bit nervous, but it ended up being just fine.

However, the rest of my weekend was rather "weak" food-wise. I slacked on the meal plan and didn't keep up with my supplements. I weighed myself this morning and realized that I need to get back on track--PRONTO! In only a few days, I have lost about 3 pounds! I knew I was slacking, but I had NO idea how fast my body loses! It's very frustrating. I guess my body got used to functioning on so few calories for so many months that now it takes a ridiculous amount of fuel to maintain, let alone GAIN! According to this morning's weight, I still have about 10 pounds to go before I reach the goal agreed upon by my therapist, medical doc, parents, and I. In fact, if I want to go back to school next semester--which is only 6 weeks away!--I have to gain about 10 pounds. That's just over 1.5 pounds per week.

I think the problem has been living with my mother, to be honest. She is constantly trying to LOSE weight, so it's very difficult for me to keep up with my meals when she restricts her intake so much and eats diet foods. However, I need to keep my own needs in mind and realize that I am not her and she is not me. My body was screaming at me this morning for fuel, and instead of ignoring it like I used to, I fed myself exactly what I was in the mood for--a steaming and delicious bowl of oats--2 packets of instant oats made w/ milk, 1/2 a chopped banana, and blueberries on top. It was delish with my cuppa joe. I also just finished supplement drink #1 for the day. I really need to focus on my goal--graduating college, being with my friends, living my life again!--instead of comparing myself to others.

Does anyone else struggle with triggering family members? Any tips on how to deal?


On a more positive note, I am really getting in the Christmas spirit! It snowed 6+ inches here on Saturday, and it was truly lovely. (Pictures to come very soon, I promise!) I was a bit disappointed at first because I had planned on driving to SU to visit my college ladies, but instead I stayed home and decorated the house and tree with my parents. It was truly lovely. We stayed in our pajamas all day, listened to holiday tunes, and then snuggled up to watch "It's a Wonderful Life", one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time!

What are your holiday traditions?


Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.
~ Chinese Proverb


  1. You have to remember that you are you and your parents are themselves. You have to do what's right for you and worry about yourself. If they make a comment you can let them know, if they eat a certain way walk away from it. It's hard but you can do it. Remember your body needs it and it's different from there body.

  2. I'm sorry you find your mother triggering. This has reminded me that I should be thankful for a mom who, even though she is a bit overweight, does not "diet." She eats very differently from me, but that's the way life is: everybody is different, body-size, body-shape, favorite foods, and so on! I know it may be hard, but keep trying to focus on your own eating rather than anyone else's :) You are doing so incredibly well!

  3. Wahhhh I'm so jealous of the snow! What I would give for a white Christmas...

    I understand how you feel about your mother being triggering... a lot of the people I am often surrounded by are always talking about dieting/losing weight/exercising, and its so difficult to block their comments out and remember that I have different needs to them. And then my 15 year old sister has really strange eating patterns - like she hardly ever snacks and if my mum is out, she wont bother making herself lunch or dinner. So when I'm with her it makes it so hard to keep eating when she isnt. The way I try to look at it to make myself feel better is: think of all the delicious food they are missing out on that we get to eat! While your mother is eating diet products full of chemicals and flavour enhancers, you get to eat the real deal! I always get coments from people saying they'd love to be in my position where I HAD to eat loads to gain weight... and while this is kinda ignorant and unhelpful on their part, it could be a good way to look at it when you're feeling down.

    Stay focused my love, you are doing a sterling job!

    Hannah XO.

  4. ohh wow thats a lot of a snow, it must be really pretty :-). I dont have any particular christmas traditions, we usually just go to my granny for christmas.

    The body can lose weight very quickly which is why its so important to stick to a plan and really try your best to keep to it, a few little cut backs here and there all add up. Its really difficult I understand especially when people around you are dieting. I struggle a lot with this and I find it very triggering when people in my house cut back and eat very little, I comapre myself to my sister a lot. In the end I started to avoid being around her when she was eating so then I couldnt see what she ate and I just tried my best to ignore those thoughts and rationalise with myself.
    You've been doing really well so far, just keep those goals in mind.

  5. Hi! Please get 'back on the wagon' asap and don't forget: you have to do the right things every single time again! (What helped for me was not to think too much about the reasons etc., because after all: you know what you gotta do!)
    Maybe tell yourself: no matter how I feel, how I look, what others do...this is what I do. I will eat X amount each meal/ exceptions until I reach and maintain a healthy BMI.
    That's what you need to do. I can do it, so you can do it too! I am there, let's do it girl!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  6. I always have trouble eating more than those around me- ESPECIALLY if what those people are eating is diet foods. HOWEVER sometimes I love my body for it- for being able to eat as much as I do, and fuel it. I don't know...sometimes I'm proud for being able to eat as much as I do- and looking at it from that point of view helps.


  7. so sorry to hear about your doggy girl! just remember, she is in a better place now :)

    i totally understand your triggering family member-situation. my mom really never meant anything by it, but she is always pushing food away and picking. or not really eating anything all day long. when i question her, she just says she is older, so she can do that. i told her that ED doesn't care about age, but she still does it anyway! ugh, it gets on my last nerve!! so i totally know where you are coming from, but that is where you have to just step in and be strong...i know it's hard, but unfortunately, it's part of recovery and regaining independence.

    keep up the good work girl, and don't get discouraged about your weight loss! everyone's weight fluctuates, so remember that it is normal. just don't let it get you down! look back at how far you have come, and it really puts things into perspective :)

    ♥ lindsey

  8. i am sooooo happy i found your blogggggg! :)



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