Wednesday, December 2, 2009

RIP Hailey!

My 11-year-old black lab, Hailey, passed away last night around 7pm.

I am very sad, as Hailey was a big part of my life for 11 and a half years. She was born to a family friend's dog on my 10th birthday, and I got first pick out of the whole litter. I chose Hailey because she was all black except for a strip of white down her chest that looks like a comet--we named her Hailey after Hailey's comet!

I know it seems weird to some people to grieve the loss of an animal, but she was just as much a part of the family as the rest of us. Today, I came downstairs expecting her to greet me, and it was quite a disappointing shock to realize that she isn't here, and never will be again.

I know that she is in doggy heaven, though, and her suffering is over. We chose to put her to sleep after she had been battling a cancerous tumor and was not able to keep down any food or water. She lost a lot of weight and was barely able to make it outside to go to the bathroom. So, although I am upset, I am also relieved in a way because I know we made the right decision and her suffering is ended.


In other news, things are going pretty well. I am well into the "normal" BMI range, and still have a few more pounds to go before reaching my goal. In fact, my pre-ED clothes are really starting to fit me again! For those of you who are fearful of gaining "too much" or are afraid of feeling "fat" at your body's healthy weight, please keep gaining! I get frustrated when I read blogs where people seem to want to "recover" while staying at a BMI below 18.5--sometimes even below 17! I am currently ABOVE a BMI of 18.5 and am aiming for a BMI of 20! I know everyone's body shape is different, but even as a woman with a "small" frame according to my doctor, a BMI of 19 or 20 is best. And you know what? It's been freaking me out a LOT less than I thought it would. I have been sticking to my meal plan, supplements and all, and have been feeling a lot BETTER about myself!


I'm sorry, but you just can't! I am excited to get back into all my "healthy" clothes, to go back to school in January (that's still the plan!), and to achieve all of my hopes and dreams.

Am I still struggling? OF COURSE. Every single day. Every single meal, even. But has it gotten better? YES. This past weekend I ate at Arby's AND Olive Garden. And guess what? It was freakin' delish! You don't need to be the "perfect" eater. No diet or lifestyle is perfect. You don't have to work out every day. (In fact, my treatment team advises ALL patients NOT to exercise AT ALL until they have been symptom-free for AT LEAST 6 MONTHS). I eat healthy 80-90% of the time, but I eat dessert every single day as part of my meal plan, and sometimes those desserts are store-bought, "processed" cookies or cake or ice cream. And you know what? That's ok! I eat plenty of whole grains, fruits, veggies, and lean meat, so what's a cookie here and there? That's what normalcy is. I don't mean to put anyone down for being "healthy", but when your obsession with eating completely clean actually starts to interfere with your life to the point where you'll refuse to go out to restaurants with friends because they don't serve all-organic, all-natural, foods, maybe you should take a step back and look at the grand scheme of things. Yes, I completely support organic foods and local produce, etc. But am I going to turn down my friend's birthday cake because it was made from a box? Hell no! I can have a moderate slice and go on with my day!

I really think I am starting to experience true freedom, my friends, and it feels fantastic! Take baby steps like I did, and I promise you will start to feel the same.


  1. YEAH! I totally agree with you. I think exactly the same: enjoy everything, you can eat everything, that's freedom:) And that's how it should be...I think an ED can easily go into another ('healthy') obsession and that's just lying to yourself.
    And I agree about the BMI, really: no exceptions. That's ED talking! And I'm proud of you for knowing it and doing it! And for going to Olive Garden and things: I'm so proud...(I feel as if I know you IRL and wanna give you a big hug for it!)

    And I'm so sorry about your dog. What a sweetie. I'm thinking of you...sending lots of positivity and courage for this loss.

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  2. i am so sorry to hear about your dog coco! if you need anything you know where to find me.

    amen to all of the above! i could really slam the glass face of my laptop when i see people talk about healthy weight and in fact they are only at bmi around 17 or something. but in the end it's their bone loss, it's their health that will suffer while you can enjoy your life and get on with it.

  3. oh my god thank you so much. I needed to read that post so much at the moment. I've just had my meal plan upped and I'm feeling so so uncomfortable about it. I really do want to recover I'm just so terrified of the weight and wish I could recover without gaining it. It's actually kind of reassuring to hear you say that you don't believe a person can recover without a healthy weight, it feels like I'm going somewhere not just getting fat to please others. Also to hear how positive you are about gaining more weight even though your are already at a healthy weight, I couldn't imagine myself with that mindset but I admire it! I currently have a BMI of 15.7. That makes me feel safe. Below 16.5 for me is safe. Above that, I freak out. Also gaining more than 0.7kg per week. That triggers. But it's a long road. I've been at it a year and have gained 3kg in that time. I know, it's not acceptable and I need to break the cycle, I think that I just need posts like this to keep me motivated, keep me going. Thank you

  4. Can I give you a hug?
    Please? You're beautiful, amazing, stunning, smart, brave, inspiring, oh gosh, I could GO ON!
    I'm so sorry to hear about your Dog, I know how animals can be so important to a person.
    I'm internet hugging you anyway beautiful
    love you

  5. Oh sweetie I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. I know how precious they are to us and the pain you must be feeling right now :(

    But I just have to say a massive congrats on the progress you have made! Its beautiful to read and copletely inspiring. You're right - there is NO recovery without weight restoration and full health, so this is what we must all strive for if we ever want to be free of this disease.

    And I love that you're embracing the weight gain and your attitude towards food - there is no "bad" foods, or food we should feel guilty about - everything in moderation! I would hate to get to 70 and think back to myself "oh I wish I had eaten more cookies"... wouldn't that be sad?! We deserve to enjoy what we put in our bodies :)

    Keep smiling my love, and keep up the fabulous work you are doing!

    Love Hannah xo

  6. <3 I am so sorry to hear about your dog Coco. I know it's rough losing a beloved pet, especially when you're trying to recover. I was pretty upset when my dog had to get put down a few years ago. But you know they are in a better place now, a place without any of the ailments aging brings.

    I'm glad to hear that you are doing so well in your recovery. You are totally right about the gaining thing. I have to admit, I am one of those people who is really struggling with getting to a proper BMI, but mainly because my metabolism is just uncooperative. Its actually rather frustrating because I feel like I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, so still being stuck in that "not quite healthy" weight range kinda makes me feel like I'm failing at recovery in some way. But your post makes me feel a lot better - I am trying to get there, however long it takes. And that is the important part, that I'm sticking with it, just like you are.

    You're truly inspiring Coco.

  7. I'm sorry to hear about your dog, but your right about the better place. It's not right to make them suffer.

    Your a very strong person. Keep up the good work.

  8. *hugs* Im really sorry to hear about your dog, its terribly difficult to lose a pet.

    On a brighter note, its lovely to hear you say these things. To truly recover from an ed you do need to get to a healthy weight and break all those rules that eds have such as food rules. Nothing should be limited and everything ca be enjoyed, I`m so pleased your going out and enjoying meals out, thats such a huge step from where you were before.
    Thank you so much for your words of support on my blog before, it has helped me a lot and given me lots of hope.

  9. This is a wonderful post and you are an inspiration. I look forward to continuing to read. We all have dark stories.


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