RIP Hailey!

My 11-year-old black lab, Hailey, passed away last night around 7pm.

I am very sad, as Hailey was a big part of my life for 11 and a half years. She was born to a family friend's dog on my 10th birthday, and I got first pick out of the whole litter. I chose Hailey because she was all black except for a strip of white down her chest that looks like a comet--we named her Hailey after Hailey's comet!

I know it seems weird to some people to grieve the loss of an animal, but she was just as much a part of the family as the rest of us. Today, I came downstairs expecting her to greet me, and it was quite a disappointing shock to realize that she isn't here, and never will be again.

I know that she is in doggy heaven, though, and her suffering is over. We chose to put her to sleep after she had been battling a cancerous tumor and was not able to keep down any food or water. She lost a lot of weight and was barely able to make it outside to go to the bathroom. So, although I am upset, I am also relieved in a way because I know we made the right decision and her suffering is ended.

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In other news, things are going pretty well. I am well into the "normal" BMI range, and still have a few more pounds to go before reaching my goal. In fact, my pre-ED clothes are really starting to fit me again! For those of you who are fearful of gaining "too much" or are afraid of feeling "fat" at your body's healthy weight, please keep gaining! I get frustrated when I read blogs where people seem to want to "recover" while staying at a BMI below 18.5--sometimes even below 17! I am currently ABOVE a BMI of 18.5 and am aiming for a BMI of 20! I know everyone's body shape is different, but even as a woman with a "small" frame according to my doctor, a BMI of 19 or 20 is best. And you know what? It's been freaking me out a LOT less than I thought it would. I have been sticking to my meal plan, supplements and all, and have been feeling a lot BETTER about myself!

YOU CANNOT RECOVER FROM AN EATING DISORDER WITHOUT PROPER NUTRITION AND A HEALTHY BODY WEIGHT.

I'm sorry, but you just can't! I am excited to get back into all my "healthy" clothes, to go back to school in January (that's still the plan!), and to achieve all of my hopes and dreams.

Am I still struggling? OF COURSE. Every single day. Every single meal, even. But has it gotten better? YES. This past weekend I ate at Arby's AND Olive Garden. And guess what? It was freakin' delish! You don't need to be the "perfect" eater. No diet or lifestyle is perfect. You don't have to work out every day. (In fact, my treatment team advises ALL patients NOT to exercise AT ALL until they have been symptom-free for AT LEAST 6 MONTHS). I eat healthy 80-90% of the time, but I eat dessert every single day as part of my meal plan, and sometimes those desserts are store-bought, "processed" cookies or cake or ice cream. And you know what? That's ok! I eat plenty of whole grains, fruits, veggies, and lean meat, so what's a cookie here and there? That's what normalcy is. I don't mean to put anyone down for being "healthy", but when your obsession with eating completely clean actually starts to interfere with your life to the point where you'll refuse to go out to restaurants with friends because they don't serve all-organic, all-natural, foods, maybe you should take a step back and look at the grand scheme of things. Yes, I completely support organic foods and local produce, etc. But am I going to turn down my friend's birthday cake because it was made from a box? Hell no! I can have a moderate slice and go on with my day!

I really think I am starting to experience true freedom, my friends, and it feels fantastic! Take baby steps like I did, and I promise you will start to feel the same.