Mid-January blah

Hiiii!

Is anyone else feeling as "off" and "blah" and "under the weather" as I am? I don't know if it's the post-Christmas, pre-Spring slump or what, but I am feeling icky lately! Although, I must say that the weather has been pretty awesome lately, at least relatively speaking--it's been in the 40's and 50's (Fahrenheit) rather than the 30's!

So, what has happened since my last post?

Well, on Tuesday night of last week, I went out to dinner at a vegan restaurant called Great Sage with my ex-boyfriend from high school, Sam. It was really weird because I hadn't seen him in about 3 years, and also because he is a vegan and I'm not. So, for someone recovering from an ED, it was stressful--awkward dinner with the ex + food I'm not familiar with = nervous wreck!

However, it ended up being fun! And the food wasn't too bad either--we got quesadillas to start, which included black beans and vegan "cheese", then I had tofu and vegetable curry over brown rice, and vanilla soy ice cream for dessert. It was quite lovely, and I was proud of myself for stepping outside the box. I must admit that there were absolutely NO sparks between Sam and I. Which I'm actually relieved about. Now we can keep in touch and be friends, and not have to wonder about romance.

Then, Wednesday I had my usual smattering of therapy sessions--family therapy at 8 am, then a break for breakfast @ Starbuck's (I had Awake Tea and a slice of banana chocolate chip pound cake!), nutritional counseling at 10:30, and individual therapy at 11 am with Anne. I was weighed first thing in the morning, before I had even eaten, and my weight was up a little under 2 pounds.

I kinda freaked out a little at first. I know I am supposed to be gaining weight, but the closer I get to my goal, the more anxious I become. I'm proud of myself, and my parents were really happy, but I'm still a little uncomfortable with the whole thing. However, I'm trying to journal (and blog!) about it and to deal with my emotions rather than starve them away.

I went shopping yesterday with my mom and bought 2 new pairs of jeans (one of which is PINK! yes, you heard correctly--PINK jeans!) and an adorable LBD (little black dress). We also went out for lunch, and I had a beef BBQ brisket sandwich and greasy homemade potato chips. And guess what? I was OK! And I didn't let it ruin my appetite for dinner, which was turkey scallopini and cheese & mushroom risotto with spinach!

So, I suppose I am doing somewhat better. However, I can't help but feel a sense of disappointment and "failure" when I gain weight. My ED brainwashed me for so long into thinking that weight loss = success, that it's really difficult for me to step on a scale and see the number rising each week. However, I must remind myself that each pound gain is one step closer to health.

I am now well into the healthy BMI range, and I am shooting for between 19 and 20 BMI. I get weighed again tomorrow, so I'll let you know what happens!

Tomorrow I also will be registering for classes at Towson. I'm debating between a few interesting options--French, Philosophy, Lit & Film, Shakespeare, Health & Wellness, & 20th C American Novel, and many many more! I plan on taking 3 courses total--any votes/opinions/suggestions?

Have a great rest of your week. Keep your chin up, and I will too!

Health = Happiness

This Semester's Plan

Hello, blogworld!

I apologize for my lack of postage lately. Even when I do post, it's been short and boring these days, so I'm sorry.

Things have been up and down lately. First of all, I might as well come out and tell you my big news:

I will NOT be returning to my college next week.

I am a bit disappointed and upset about this, but I know it's the right decision for me right now. Originally, the plan was for me to move back into my off-campus house and attend classes full-time, graduating on-time in May 2010. However, I haven't made much progress in the weight department, and I struggled a lot with my meal plan over the holidays due to ED-related thoughts, so I have decided that returning to school where I would be practically unsupervised would be a mistake.

My parents, therapists, and I have come up with an alternate plan that I think will actually prove to be quite positive:

I am going to be living at home this semester and will be attending classes at Towson University, which is about 35 minutes from my house and literally right next to my ED treatment center. I am going to take a lighter course load (3 courses), and I plan on taking elective credits that interest me. Then, if all goes well, I will return to Susquehanna U. next fall and will graduate in December 2010, only one semester late.

At first I was upset about this plan, but the more I think about it, the more I think it is the best possible choice. This will allow me to take classes I enjoy, like French and Philosophy, without having the pressure of graduation looming in the near future. I also will be able to continue my therapy with Anne, who I have come to really trust in the past 7 months. Plus, I'll have the support of my family right here every day. And I can always visit my college friends whenever I want, as I'll still be paying rent on our apartment.

Besides, I know some people that go to TU (like my cousin!), so maybe this won't be such a bad thing. I'm still in the process of smoothing out all the details, but pretty soon I'll be enrolling in classes and getting my books!

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On the ED front, things are sort of stagnant. I'm not doing any worse, really, but I'm not doing much better either. My weight is still a bit below my goal, and I am struggling with body image and guilt associated with food. I have been working on it, though, and I am confident that I WILL recover.

Classes don't start for another 2 weeks, so I have some free time. I visited with my SU friends this past weekend, and it was a lot of fun. I lost some money at the casino, and danced the night away at the bar. It really was nice to see those girls after so long. I would post pictures, but we didn't take any! Boo.

I am using my mom's crockpot to make greek chicken, and the smell is divine! It is chicken thighs with a lemon broth, oregano, and kalamata olives, and I am going to serve it over rice with peas on the side, and perhaps some dinner rolls and a glass of wine. Divine! I have gotten more comfortable being in the kitchen again, and I actually ENJOY food again (Even if I still feel guilty afterwards. But I look at it as progress, because in the past I used to get anxious before AND after meals, and now I don't as much.).

I'll stop rambling about anorexia, because let's be honest--it's lame and I am so much more than this stupid disorder.

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In other news, last week we had the carpet in our family room ripped out and replaced with gorgeous hardwood flooring! Now the entire first floor, besides the library and laundry room, is hardwood! It looks absolutely gorgeous, especially at night when the fireplace reflects on the oak. I have been spending much of my recent time assisting my parents in their redecorating (buying rugs and lamps and such). Everyone was so impressed with how well my bedroom came out (I MUST post photos), so now I am, according to my mother, an HGTV certified designer due to my many ridiculous hours spent watching all of the HGTV Network's shows.

Ok people, I'm probably close to losing your attention by now (if I haven't already), so I'm signing out......



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P.S. I just came back to edit this post and add pictures to it, and I am upset because I can't find the USB cord to my camera ANYWHERE! I'm worried that my brother may have accidentally taken it with him to San Diego! What on earth am I going to do?!?!

A New Decade!

Happy 2010!

It's been awhile since I posted, but perhaps that's a good thing--I've been living my life!

Christmas was nice--family, friends, festivity, food, and fun!

And last night we had a New Year's bash that was equal parts wild and low-key. It was just what I needed.

I am looking forward to a new year, and a new decade. I am hoping 2010 will be prosperous, happy, and HEALTHY. I am hoping to return to school in 2 weeks, and to graduate, and to go on with my life.

Happy new year, everyone. I hope it is a wonderful one for all of us.