Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Mid-January blah


Is anyone else feeling as "off" and "blah" and "under the weather" as I am? I don't know if it's the post-Christmas, pre-Spring slump or what, but I am feeling icky lately! Although, I must say that the weather has been pretty awesome lately, at least relatively speaking--it's been in the 40's and 50's (Fahrenheit) rather than the 30's!

So, what has happened since my last post?

Well, on Tuesday night of last week, I went out to dinner at a vegan restaurant called Great Sage with my ex-boyfriend from high school, Sam. It was really weird because I hadn't seen him in about 3 years, and also because he is a vegan and I'm not. So, for someone recovering from an ED, it was stressful--awkward dinner with the ex + food I'm not familiar with = nervous wreck!

However, it ended up being fun! And the food wasn't too bad either--we got quesadillas to start, which included black beans and vegan "cheese", then I had tofu and vegetable curry over brown rice, and vanilla soy ice cream for dessert. It was quite lovely, and I was proud of myself for stepping outside the box. I must admit that there were absolutely NO sparks between Sam and I. Which I'm actually relieved about. Now we can keep in touch and be friends, and not have to wonder about romance.

Then, Wednesday I had my usual smattering of therapy sessions--family therapy at 8 am, then a break for breakfast @ Starbuck's (I had Awake Tea and a slice of banana chocolate chip pound cake!), nutritional counseling at 10:30, and individual therapy at 11 am with Anne. I was weighed first thing in the morning, before I had even eaten, and my weight was up a little under 2 pounds.

I kinda freaked out a little at first. I know I am supposed to be gaining weight, but the closer I get to my goal, the more anxious I become. I'm proud of myself, and my parents were really happy, but I'm still a little uncomfortable with the whole thing. However, I'm trying to journal (and blog!) about it and to deal with my emotions rather than starve them away.

I went shopping yesterday with my mom and bought 2 new pairs of jeans (one of which is PINK! yes, you heard correctly--PINK jeans!) and an adorable LBD (little black dress). We also went out for lunch, and I had a beef BBQ brisket sandwich and greasy homemade potato chips. And guess what? I was OK! And I didn't let it ruin my appetite for dinner, which was turkey scallopini and cheese & mushroom risotto with spinach!

So, I suppose I am doing somewhat better. However, I can't help but feel a sense of disappointment and "failure" when I gain weight. My ED brainwashed me for so long into thinking that weight loss = success, that it's really difficult for me to step on a scale and see the number rising each week. However, I must remind myself that each pound gain is one step closer to health.

I am now well into the healthy BMI range, and I am shooting for between 19 and 20 BMI. I get weighed again tomorrow, so I'll let you know what happens!

Tomorrow I also will be registering for classes at Towson. I'm debating between a few interesting options--French, Philosophy, Lit & Film, Shakespeare, Health & Wellness, & 20th C American Novel, and many many more! I plan on taking 3 courses total--any votes/opinions/suggestions?

Have a great rest of your week. Keep your chin up, and I will too!

Health = Happiness


  1. Hi!

    I loved it when you said 'Blog about it and deal with the emotions rather than to starve them'...You rock, girl!

    Congrats for such positivism...I feel like it's so 'rare' (?) around the blogging world sometime :(

    I think French will be good. 'Health and Wellness' might be boring because, well, personnally, I think you already know about pretty much everything on this subject...x)


  2. Hi Sweetie!
    SO glad you are taking steps forward <3 way to go. xoxo

  3. i'm go glad you are doing so well in you recovery girl! i know it still sucks, but i promise that each meal you take a chance with makes it that much easier at the next. before you realize it, you find out you don't get fat when you eat! such a realization, right? :)

    and way to go shoot for an even better bmi! mine is officially over 19 now, and i couldn't be happier!

    ♥ lindsey

  4. Good to hear all of this! You know what, I'm so proud of you and only that stupid ED can tell you a healthy BMI isn't good. ED sucks. You're becoming more healthy and beautiful and preventing a future relapse!

    And a pink jeans: good choice!;)
    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  5. i also liked this: "trying to journal (and blog!) about it and to deal with my emotions rather than starve them away". i used to feel like i was getting rid of my pain with every pound i lost...the reality was the complete opposite. i was just creating more pain and suffering for myself. we just have to keep on working through all our stuff i guess :)

  6. CUTE blog! I am a new reader and you've got a great thing here. Health = Happiness and visa versa =)


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