Monday, May 17, 2010

What Could Have Been...

So, I have to admit: it's a rainy Monday morning and I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. So, forgive me if this post is a little too "woe is me". But we all need to let it out sometimes.

You see, yesterday, Sunday, May 16th, would have been my college graduation day. I had been looking forward to that date for YEARS. In my mind, it was going to be perfect. I was supposed to graduate from Susquehanna University with 2 degrees, Creative Writing and Psychology. I was supposed to spend my senior year living it up having the time of my life with my roommates and friends. I was supposed to be healthy, happy, beautiful, and ready for the future.

Instead, I am here. Instead, I am home. Instead, I made it through 3 weeks of living in my apartment in September before ED starting calling my name yet again. The months following that time have been filled with ups and downs--hospital, outpatient, IOP, outpatient, weight gain, weight loss, weight gain, weight loss....

And not only that. I feel as if I truly missed out on what was supposed to be the best time of my life. I was always so social and funny and crazy (in a good way!) before my ED, dancing and singing and having a blast with my friends. But now, my roommates and friends are fading into the distance. They had their memorable senior year without me, and graduated without me, and now we barely speak anymore. And no, it is no more their fault than it is my fault. Or ED's fault. But regardless, I truly MISS them. I miss my best friends and I even miss the friendship of my ex-boyfriend and his fraternity brothers. I loved those guys. I still do. But I know now it will never be the same. When they look back on their senior year of college, maybe they'll say "Oh yeah, that was when Coco got sick and left", but besides that, I will fade away. Their memories are with each other, and I need to deal with that.

Next semester I am going back to SU and finishing up my degree. I will graduate in December 2010 with a BA in Psychology with a minor in Creative Writing. Yes, I know that it really isn't a big deal to graduate one semester, or even a year late. But to me, it signifies all that ED has taken from me. And the fact that I let him. I gave into his allure, running myself into the ground, starving myself down, damaging my bones and mind and life.

As I look at the graduation photos of my old friends, smiling and laughing in their caps and gowns, it saddens me. But I know that wallowing in self-pity will only get me so far. I need to pick myself back up from this dark time in my life and thank God for what I do have. In fact, maybe anorexia brought me things I never would have had before: my family is now closer than ever, and we have a new understanding of the importance of love and support and life. I am now dating a wonderful man who I may not have ended up with had things gone another way. For all I know, I could be stuck in my relationship with the ex, who was kind and caring but was just not the guy for me.

And I now have a strength and insight I never would have accrued without this dark time in my life. The road ahead is long and winding and bumpy, and I know I am not in the clear quite yet. However, I now know that if I can deal with all that has happened in the past 2 years, I can deal with whatever else life might throw my way.

So, if you're still reading by now, thanks. I don't really know what the point of this post was, except to get my emotions out. So, thanks for listening. I hope you all take some time today to reflect on your lives.

Acknowledge the bad. Rejoice in the good. And no matter what you do, keep on going.


  1. Coco, I truly understand your plight. My "friends" are all graduating college this year. I miss them terribly. And here I am, all but going into my sophmore year at a community college. The friends I made at Pratt have mostly forgotten about me save a few I stayed in contact with. And they all think of me as the girl who was horrifically thin that had to leave. Same as my friends from high school. And the kids I originally met at HCC in 2007. I've had many set backs because of my ED. More than I care to count to be honest.

    But I am doing it now. I am better. I am living my life for me, finally, after all these years. Be thankful that you survived. Don't let the things you lost consume you. Think of all the things that you have gained in this process that so many people will never understand or have. You are in the process of defeating the most lethal of mental illnesses. You are stronger than anorexia. You are defying statistics every day that you do what you need to do to get past this. You will have a sense of self that most people our age spend years trying to find.
    In short - despite the hardships, you will come out on top. You can regain friendships, build new ones, and make a life that was better than you ever thought possible.

  2. I think your friends will supprise you if you reach out to them. And just think of all the new ones that you can meet now.

  3. Hi

    Don't think sbout the bad that has come from this terrible disease, just think about the good points you mentioned about how your family is closer and you have a new boyfriend.

    You are probably a lot stronger person than you were at the start of this and you have learnt that you can get through difficult situations.

    I am in my first year nad have missed out on staying in my halls of residence. I still get to hear about all the fun things that have happened in the evenings when I commute in to uni and it does get me down. But I'm not thinking about that as I know that being at home and getting better is what is best for me right now.

    Just keep looking to your bright furute ahead! x

  4. The quote at the bottom is amazing and so true.
    I wish you the best of luck with your last semester next fall. Creative writing sounds like a great major. Stay Positive, thier is never a bad experience, only learning ones

  5. hi, firstly, i want to say u are 1 of the few that seems to really be pushing for recovery and and not ambiguous abt it. u r a positive role model for those who really want REAL recovery.

    secondly, just would like to encourage u to stay positive. college is one part of yr life, u still have a long road ahead. besides u manage to find pisitivities like build ingbetter relationships w yr family!

    don't be upset!...i am sure yr life will be so much more awesome w/o ed soon!

  6. HI!!!!!!!!!! I saw that you became a follower on my blog and it took me a second to figure out who it was! Just wanted to say I love you and I miss you so much!!! Hang in there! :) If you want, you can go to my graduation. We look similar. They'll never know :)


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