Saturday, September 12, 2009

Life doesn't start tomorrow.

So, I have to admit, my second week of school was a struggle. This post may upset people, and for that I am sorry. I don't want to bring people down, and I also don't want to take away from other peoples' struggles by acting like my life is oh-so-terrible, because I know it could be much worse. 

But I am finding myself extremely triggered by the school environment. Ever since high school, I have thrived on being busy and active and doing lots of things and working hard in school and extra-curricular activities. This can totally be a healthy thing, and back in high school, it was! I was a dancer, actress, singer, straight-A student, student body Vice President, Prom Queen runner-up (damn! almost had it!), and was genuinely a happy person with lots of friends. BUT, the difference is that back then, I didn't have an eating disorder. Back then, my mind was filled with a hunger to learn, and I would read and write and watch movies and sing and go to dance rehearsals and play rehearsals and I loved and LIVED every second of every day. BUT, back then, I didn't have an ED. Back then, I had no qualms about stopping at Dairy Queen after ballet class and grabbing a blizzard with chocolate ice cream and Reese's Pieces (my ultimate fave). Back then, after opening night of every show, my fellow castmates and I would head to Friendly's for some buffalo wings and nachos. Back then, I enjoyed my womanhood and my body and I fed it (albeit, sometimes with junk food, but such is life) and nourished it and rested it when it needed to be rested.

And now, I feel like I am my own worst enemy. School has been ok academics-wise this week--I already turned in a paper and have a few projects coming up that I've been working on. And I've been staying on top of my reading. My job at the coffee shop has gone well, and I enjoy the laid-back environment and chatting with coworkers or reading on slow days. My friends and I have been getting along, and my roommates and I are doing well. I talk to my parents almost every day, and I am in fact home again this weekend (yet another appointment) and have spent time with my mom and dad.

However, my mind is doing worse. This past week, the ED thoughts were stronger than they have been in months. I have been restricting and then binging, binging and then exercising, exercising and then restricting, and everything in between. I compare myself to my roommates, friends, and basically every single girl I walk past on campus.

I weigh myself incessantly, and even though I am upset by the low number, my disorder says "See, you have control. You have power."

I saw Anne today and, for the second time EVER in my sessions with her, I cried. Bawled, actually. (The first time was when my mom came in with me in June.)

I am realizing that enough is enough. Although my weight went up about a pound, I feel like my mentality is getting worse. And I know what I need to do to fight it but sometimes I feel too weak and I give in. Anne thinks maybe I should take the semester off and go inpatient, something I've never done before. Something I wish I had done this summer. I had myself and everyone around me fooled. I thought I was doing so much better.

As of now, the plan is that I am coming home to see Anne during the week since my class is cancelled on Thursday, and coming home again next weekend. But she really wants me to evaluate my needs and priorities. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't do it anymore, physically or mentally. I am exhausted beyond belief. 

So, I am going to give it one last shot. I am going to go back to school and work tomorrow and I am going to plan out my meals and snacks because I know that's what I need at this point. I am going to have to start being honest with myself and with my family and friends. I need to focus on recovery 100%, and if that means graduating a semester late, so be it. Anne told me to give it 2 more weeks, and that if I am not feeling significantly better mentally, then I need to reevaluate and possibly come home for more intensive care.

It's hard to admit to myself that I am struggling. But you know what? I only get this one life and this one body, and if I am ever going to enjoy it and truly live it, then I need to start nourishing and LOVING myself again. And if school isn't helping me do that, then it's not worth it. 

I can always go back to school next semester, or next year. But I can't delay my life and my health any longer.

So, wish me luck, ladies! I really don't want to have to pull out when I'm a few credits short of graduating. So, I am going to try really hard to turn things around. However, I'm going to be completely honest with myself, and if I truly in my heart am still feeling overwhelmed by my disorder, I am going to withdraw for the semester and do what needs to be done.

I'm sure you guys didn't read that whole thing, but if you did, thank you. Also, I'm sorry. I feel like my posts used to be so positive, and lately they've been a drag to even read. 


  1. babe, i feel you. i can relate to a lot of things you said here but i too have realised that enough is enough!!! this needs to end. we cna not abuse our body and fall into this hole over and over again. we need to let go. i am literally sitting here in fromt of this computer eating my lunch and crying because i know that by doing so i am saying YES to recovery and good bye ED and of course the ED part in me doesn't like it at all. but i know there is no other choice. i dont want to be this sick girl for the rest of my life. i want to be a role model, healthy and happy.
    take care of yourself hun, we're so young and shouldn't be living a life this way.
    hope you get your head up soon
    much love

  2. There IS more to life than ED, and you are definitely strong enough to live life the way you want! Don't give up!

    And don't worry about not having happy posts...just let it all out! Glad to be able to 'be here' for you, in a way:)

  3. I can totally relate to everything you have said, I feel the exact same way. I just wish I could offer a magic solution or way out but there is no easy way. The only way is by going against everything your ed is telling you at the minute.
    You seem to be doing realy well in college and your job it would be terrible to have that all taken away and have to go home because of your ed. Please dont let it do that to you, you have the strength in you to fight this, your idea of writing out plans and sticking to them is a good idea, do that and really try hard.
    Just imagine how great it would be to let go of this for real, you can get there.

  4. I did read the the whole thing, and I wanted to say that you're very brave. I would freak out if I needed IP.
    ED has taking so many tings away, don't let it continue. You have the right attitude, you know what to do and that's great!

    We're here for ya!

  5. I read everything. And I'm here for you...I read your posts on CC and here and I'm porud of your honesty. You did make progress and that's so great, but sometimes you have to be completely honest. It took me a long time. I did make the decision for more intensive treatment and I'm glad I did that, but that choice is different for everyone. Please give yourself these two weeks to think what it is that helps you. You can do it, in whatever way..but you CAN beat this! Hold on, stay strong!!! xxx Julia (Taste of Living)


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