Well, week one of senior year of college = completed!
And I may not be doing amazingly, but I'm alive!
Basically, there have been a LOT of ups and downs this week. Moving in went well, and our house looks even MORE amazing than before because we got new furniture. The roomies and I have been getting along SO well, and I've reconnected with old friends. I have gone to the bar 4 times in the past week which is pretty good for being social, I'd have to say! And ordered drinks! Usually I think of alcohol as too many empty calories and blah blah, but you know what? A drink or 2 won't hurt! I'm 21, it's my last year of college, I'm supposed to live it up!
Classes have been pretty good, for once. I am doing an independent writing study and a research project for psychology, and I also have a portfolio class that prepares me for applying to jobs and grad schools. Then I have an Indian Lit & Film class taught by an adorable little woman named Rachana Sachdev. So it's pretty engaging and fun academics-wise (yes, I'm a nerd and not ashamed!). Yes, it will be hard work and it will be stressful, but I'm ENJOYING the work, so it's worth it.
Here's the cons:
ED has been creepin' on in more than I'd prefer. I also started a new anti-anxiety med which was supposed to help me sleep, but has had the exact opposite effect. I wake up at least once every night and can't get back to sleep for a long time. It's awful! So, lack of sleep usually means Coco isn't thinking straight, is more emotional, and is more likely to give into ED.
I have been making all of my own meals and don't have a meal plan, and it's tough. It's also tough because my 3 roommates are all either trying to lose weight or naturally don't eat much (one roomie will have a couple wheat thins and call it dinner), so ED has been making me feel SO guilty for eating. Which has resulted in an alarming weight loss. I won't post numbers, but I am at home right now because I had an appointment with my therapist, and she weighed me and it's lower than it has been for months.
This scares me. If I don't gain 2 pounds by next Saturday (a WEEK!), Anne told me I may need to re-evaluate school. It's so frustrating though because I actually feel happy there. I have been bonding with my friends and enjoying my studies. It's so HARD. And I keep forgetting to add extra food to make up for the fact that I walk to campus and then walk from class to class, and have a job where I'm standing for hours.
GAH!
But you know what, I'm glad I got this "wake-up call" and that Anne was really frank about how concerned she is. I can't keep restricting. I can't keep exercising. I can't keep doing this to myself or I will never recover, physically OR mentally. So, I had ice cream today and bostom cream pie and I am drinking an Ensure and having a Luna bar right now. I know I can't undo the damage overnight, but starting right now, I am going to really put my heart and soul into recovery. Even if it means focusing less on school and my social life. I have a 3.7 GPA or something insane like that (ED perfectionism, anyone?!), so it doesn't even matter if I get all C's this semester--I'd probably still have a 3.5 at graduation!
Here are some goals for this week:
*bring snacks with me ANY TIME I LEAVE THE HOUSE. Yes, I may have to get up earlier to make a PB&J and pack some trail mix, but this is what needs to be done.
*eat with my roommates without comparing myself to them. They are already at healthy weights (or a bit above), so obviously they're not going to want to eat a weight-gainer diet. I am actively recovering and gaining, so I need to do what's best for me without worrying about them.
*limit exercise to NO CARDIO whatsoever, only light yoga and walking to and from class. That's IT.
*the next time ED wants me to choose the "lower-calorie" or "healthier" option between 2 food choices, I am going to laugh in his face and choose what I WANT, regardless of calories or "health". I'm sick of all these bloggers with their organic this and tofu that...don't get me wrong, I love me some good organic fruits and tofu stir-fry, but I want to be able to be a NORMAL person at a birthday party by taking a damn slice of store-bought, "unhealthy", "processed" cake! Eating that stuff isn't gonna kill me and is delicious every once in awhile, so why not. I eat such a healthy diet most of the time that a few Oreos or Cheese balls here and there aren't going to do anything.
Sorry to rant.
Ok, well, talk to you guys soon. Sorry my posting is sporadic. I still read all your blogs daily though!
Well Im glad your going out and enjoying yourself socially thats a really important thing. Its so frustrating watching others eat less but as you said remind yourself they dont need to gain weight and also having just a few wheat thins for dinner isnt exactly healthy. Maybe try to avoid being around them when you know they are making stuff like that so then you dont actually see them only eat that?
ReplyDeleteYou can turn this round, stick to your goals ( which sound great) and really give it all you have got and Im sure you can pull yourself back up.
During the week whenIm at work I usually prepare as much as I can of my snacks the night before, so in the morning its only a matter of throwing the stuff together.
Have a great week and remember you can do this!
xoxo
I understand how difficult it is to eat when others are not. I am also trying hard not to compare my food with others. Just like to let you know that you are not alone on this journey to recovery.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just go ahead and enjoy the "processed" or "refined" food. I have no qualms about eating refined carbs when I am with my family and friends. It feels good to be able to eat like everyone else. =)
Please follow the goals you've made...it's the most important thing you have to do right now. I totally understand your situation and issues (I had them, exactly!). But this is your last change to fight that stupid ED! Don't compare yourself to others (ignore the rest, it's about YOU!I too have a roommate that doesn't eat much, but that doesn't change my situation). Take care of yourself and your body. You can do this! I'm here with and for you:) xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
ReplyDeleteThat's the Coco I know:
ReplyDeleteThe one who sometimes slip up, but can wake up as soon as she sees that ED is weaker than her. ;p
You can do it, the goals you made are perfect, I was going to give advice but you already know what needs to be done :D
You're awesome, stay strong. I know it's hard when other don't eat much...sometimes my sister skip brekfast and I find it triggering, but I know I can't compare myself to others.
xxx
Vanilla
i love your blog. and this post.
ReplyDeleteyour goals are awsome.
and I am actually going to write out some set goals like this for myself.
thank you.
it is definatly hard to eat.. when your hungry even, and no one else is eating.. but you have to listen to your body!!! really!! its amazing what your body is capable of.. and by listening to your bodies hungry signs, then eating is going to do nothing but take away that hungry sound.. its GOOD.
its hard.. yes, but it really is worth it love.
you can do it.
xo
I agree on the eating what you want goal...I find myself deciding what foods I think I want depending on how organic or "processed" it is. I never did this prior to blogging, and it upsets me a little. However, I am in almost the exact same place as you right now- this week is CRUCIAL!
ReplyDeleteSo good luck to both of us! I know we can do this!
<3 Laura