Well, week one of senior year of college = completed!
And I may not be doing amazingly, but I'm alive!
Basically, there have been a LOT of ups and downs this week. Moving in went well, and our house looks even MORE amazing than before because we got new furniture. The roomies and I have been getting along SO well, and I've reconnected with old friends. I have gone to the bar 4 times in the past week which is pretty good for being social, I'd have to say! And ordered drinks! Usually I think of alcohol as too many empty calories and blah blah, but you know what? A drink or 2 won't hurt! I'm 21, it's my last year of college, I'm supposed to live it up!
Classes have been pretty good, for once. I am doing an independent writing study and a research project for psychology, and I also have a portfolio class that prepares me for applying to jobs and grad schools. Then I have an Indian Lit & Film class taught by an adorable little woman named Rachana Sachdev. So it's pretty engaging and fun academics-wise (yes, I'm a nerd and not ashamed!). Yes, it will be hard work and it will be stressful, but I'm ENJOYING the work, so it's worth it.
Here's the cons:
ED has been creepin' on in more than I'd prefer. I also started a new anti-anxiety med which was supposed to help me sleep, but has had the exact opposite effect. I wake up at least once every night and can't get back to sleep for a long time. It's awful! So, lack of sleep usually means Coco isn't thinking straight, is more emotional, and is more likely to give into ED.
I have been making all of my own meals and don't have a meal plan, and it's tough. It's also tough because my 3 roommates are all either trying to lose weight or naturally don't eat much (one roomie will have a couple wheat thins and call it dinner), so ED has been making me feel SO guilty for eating. Which has resulted in an alarming weight loss. I won't post numbers, but I am at home right now because I had an appointment with my therapist, and she weighed me and it's lower than it has been for months.
This scares me. If I don't gain 2 pounds by next Saturday (a WEEK!), Anne told me I may need to re-evaluate school. It's so frustrating though because I actually feel happy there. I have been bonding with my friends and enjoying my studies. It's so HARD. And I keep forgetting to add extra food to make up for the fact that I walk to campus and then walk from class to class, and have a job where I'm standing for hours.
But you know what, I'm glad I got this "wake-up call" and that Anne was really frank about how concerned she is. I can't keep restricting. I can't keep exercising. I can't keep doing this to myself or I will never recover, physically OR mentally. So, I had ice cream today and bostom cream pie and I am drinking an Ensure and having a Luna bar right now. I know I can't undo the damage overnight, but starting right now, I am going to really put my heart and soul into recovery. Even if it means focusing less on school and my social life. I have a 3.7 GPA or something insane like that (ED perfectionism, anyone?!), so it doesn't even matter if I get all C's this semester--I'd probably still have a 3.5 at graduation!
Here are some goals for this week:
*bring snacks with me ANY TIME I LEAVE THE HOUSE. Yes, I may have to get up earlier to make a PB&J and pack some trail mix, but this is what needs to be done.
*eat with my roommates without comparing myself to them. They are already at healthy weights (or a bit above), so obviously they're not going to want to eat a weight-gainer diet. I am actively recovering and gaining, so I need to do what's best for me without worrying about them.
*limit exercise to NO CARDIO whatsoever, only light yoga and walking to and from class. That's IT.
*the next time ED wants me to choose the "lower-calorie" or "healthier" option between 2 food choices, I am going to laugh in his face and choose what I WANT, regardless of calories or "health". I'm sick of all these bloggers with their organic this and tofu that...don't get me wrong, I love me some good organic fruits and tofu stir-fry, but I want to be able to be a NORMAL person at a birthday party by taking a damn slice of store-bought, "unhealthy", "processed" cake! Eating that stuff isn't gonna kill me and is delicious every once in awhile, so why not. I eat such a healthy diet most of the time that a few Oreos or Cheese balls here and there aren't going to do anything.
Sorry to rant.
Ok, well, talk to you guys soon. Sorry my posting is sporadic. I still read all your blogs daily though!