So, I'm not sure how busy I'll get once my classes really get under way, but I figured I'd post yet again to let you all know how my first week went! I want to try to become a more regular blogger.
So, Monday I arrived on campus very early--around 2pm--even though my Philosophy 101 class didn't start til 3:30. I wanted to make sure I got a decent parking spot--which I did!--and then pick up my books from the bookstore. I made my way through the throngs of students into the bookstore and picked up my order, then carried the box back to my car. Since I still had an hour til my class began, I walked around a bit and took in the sights of campus. A lot of construction is going on at the moment so it's not exactly picturesque, but I felt right at home being among college students again. Being at another school is really weird, though, and makes me miss Susquehanna even more. I went there for almost 4 years, and plan on returning there in the fall, so it really is "my" school, and I can't help but feel a bit like an "outsider" at Towson.
Anyway, back to the classes:
Philosophy on Monday wasn't too exciting--the professor "couldn't make it", so he sent another teacher to hand out the syllabus. It took about 10 minutes and then we left! Wednesday the teacher was there, and it actually seems like it's going to be an interesting class. We are reading Plato's "Theatetus" at the moment, which isn't exactly simple to understand!
Tuesday and Thursday I had 20th Century American Novel at 2pm, and I really really love the teacher! The book list is great, and we are only required to write two 6-8 page papers, and that's it! No midterm or final!
Tuesday night I had Film & Lit from 3:30 to 6:10. It's a LOOOONG class, and although she gave us a ten minute break, I was antsy! It's been months since I was a student, and I forgot how uncomfortable it can be to sit in a classroom for so long!
Anyway, I have talked to a few people and there seem to be some nice kids in my classes. I like finally having something stimulating to do and even homework isn't so bad (I say that now, but talk to me in 2 weeks and I'll prob be freaking out and stressed!). I'm kind of a geek at heart, and I also like to be busy, and I think this schedule is perfect for me. I get to be a part of a college community, take a few stimulating but not too incredibly stressful, and I still have time for social stuff and--of course--the all-time-consuming process of anorexia recovery!
**********
Speaking of recovery, it's admittedly not going too wonderfully at the moment. I lost a little bit of weight at my weigh-in, which means that I basically haven't made any tangible progress in the weight department in 2 months! That is really just unacceptable. I know in my heart that I'm not working hard enough. I know that I act disappointed when the number doesn't budge on the scale, but secretly I am sighing with relief that it hasn't gone up. I am fooling my family, therapist, and nutritionist into thinking I am truly giving it my all, when I know deep down I'm not. Part of me is ashamed to admit this on my blog, but I realize that a lot of you can probably relate to what I'm saying. I don't want to single anyone out, but I sometimes read blogs and can tell when they post things like "Oh no! I lost weight! This is awful!", they are actually pleased with themselves and part of me thinks maybe they post these things so their ED can "brag" to other bloggers--the whole ED competitiveness thing. I'm not saying this is true of everyone, but it's just something I've noticed in blogland. And I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm guilty of this from time and again too. My eating disorder is incredibly competitive and comparative, and I am constantly competing with others--in blogland and in real life.
I hope you all aren't upset by my frankness and honesty in this post. I really am going to try harder this week, and my goal is to gain 2 pounds by Wednesday. I know I can do it if I am just 100% honest with myself, my family, and my treatment team. I need to stop letting this disorder ruin my life. I want to graduate from college, live on my own, have a family, and have a career, and I can't do any of these things if I am held down by my eating disorder.
**************
I'm off to do some reading and go to sleep--no class tomorrow, so I might visit my friends at SU! Otherwise, I'll probably have a low-key weekend with the 'rents, as usual.
I'm still reading your blogs, so keep writing! :-)
So, Monday I arrived on campus very early--around 2pm--even though my Philosophy 101 class didn't start til 3:30. I wanted to make sure I got a decent parking spot--which I did!--and then pick up my books from the bookstore. I made my way through the throngs of students into the bookstore and picked up my order, then carried the box back to my car. Since I still had an hour til my class began, I walked around a bit and took in the sights of campus. A lot of construction is going on at the moment so it's not exactly picturesque, but I felt right at home being among college students again. Being at another school is really weird, though, and makes me miss Susquehanna even more. I went there for almost 4 years, and plan on returning there in the fall, so it really is "my" school, and I can't help but feel a bit like an "outsider" at Towson.
Anyway, back to the classes:
Philosophy on Monday wasn't too exciting--the professor "couldn't make it", so he sent another teacher to hand out the syllabus. It took about 10 minutes and then we left! Wednesday the teacher was there, and it actually seems like it's going to be an interesting class. We are reading Plato's "Theatetus" at the moment, which isn't exactly simple to understand!
Tuesday and Thursday I had 20th Century American Novel at 2pm, and I really really love the teacher! The book list is great, and we are only required to write two 6-8 page papers, and that's it! No midterm or final!
Tuesday night I had Film & Lit from 3:30 to 6:10. It's a LOOOONG class, and although she gave us a ten minute break, I was antsy! It's been months since I was a student, and I forgot how uncomfortable it can be to sit in a classroom for so long!
Anyway, I have talked to a few people and there seem to be some nice kids in my classes. I like finally having something stimulating to do and even homework isn't so bad (I say that now, but talk to me in 2 weeks and I'll prob be freaking out and stressed!). I'm kind of a geek at heart, and I also like to be busy, and I think this schedule is perfect for me. I get to be a part of a college community, take a few stimulating but not too incredibly stressful, and I still have time for social stuff and--of course--the all-time-consuming process of anorexia recovery!
**********
Speaking of recovery, it's admittedly not going too wonderfully at the moment. I lost a little bit of weight at my weigh-in, which means that I basically haven't made any tangible progress in the weight department in 2 months! That is really just unacceptable. I know in my heart that I'm not working hard enough. I know that I act disappointed when the number doesn't budge on the scale, but secretly I am sighing with relief that it hasn't gone up. I am fooling my family, therapist, and nutritionist into thinking I am truly giving it my all, when I know deep down I'm not. Part of me is ashamed to admit this on my blog, but I realize that a lot of you can probably relate to what I'm saying. I don't want to single anyone out, but I sometimes read blogs and can tell when they post things like "Oh no! I lost weight! This is awful!", they are actually pleased with themselves and part of me thinks maybe they post these things so their ED can "brag" to other bloggers--the whole ED competitiveness thing. I'm not saying this is true of everyone, but it's just something I've noticed in blogland. And I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm guilty of this from time and again too. My eating disorder is incredibly competitive and comparative, and I am constantly competing with others--in blogland and in real life.
I hope you all aren't upset by my frankness and honesty in this post. I really am going to try harder this week, and my goal is to gain 2 pounds by Wednesday. I know I can do it if I am just 100% honest with myself, my family, and my treatment team. I need to stop letting this disorder ruin my life. I want to graduate from college, live on my own, have a family, and have a career, and I can't do any of these things if I am held down by my eating disorder.
**************
I'm off to do some reading and go to sleep--no class tomorrow, so I might visit my friends at SU! Otherwise, I'll probably have a low-key weekend with the 'rents, as usual.
I'm still reading your blogs, so keep writing! :-)
i totally understand about ED competitiveness, and when i first started blogging, it was an issue with me.
ReplyDeletei'm glad you are enjoying your classes so far!
♥ lindsey
<3 so very true.
ReplyDeletei feel the same way.. about competing..comparing.. its ridiculous.. :(
Good to hear from you!
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to realize that the part of you that is happy with the weight-loss is ED. Not the real you, why would you be happy when your body becomes less healthy? ED is happy and please, please...don't give it any more space in your life. Do the right things, you can do this!
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
Hi
ReplyDeleteI'm meant to be putting on about 1lb a week at the moment and I do get a sense of satisfaction from not gaining sometimes - so I know what you mean. But on other days I read peoples blogs about how much happier they are and more social and it makes me think how stupid I'm being so I go and eat the proper amount to make up for it.
Kepp posting and hope you enjoy your new college!