A Year Ago Today

Ok, so the big "day" I'm referring to in my post is actually tomorrow, but I felt like posting about it today. So, here we go...

A year ago today...

• I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life
• I finally reached out for help--and accepted it with humility
• I checked myself into the hospital by my own accord and no one else's
• I cried more than I have ever cried in a single day in my life
• I also ate more in a single day than I had in a very long time
• I was told I might not make it through the night because my blood sugar and heart rate were so low
• I watched my parents walk away, and wondered when I would see them again
• I met some amazing girls, men, and women who I will never, EVER forget
• I gave up my education, relationships, and everything else so that I could finally get better
• I tried to stay strong and follow all the rules
• I felt disgusting and huge and worthless and didn't care if I died overnight
• But then I thought about my family, and my friends, and about my future children, and I knew I needed to bite the bullet and recover

Since then...

• I have made many gains, both in my weight and in my mind
• I have also "slipped up" more times than I can count
• I have felt ashamed, alone, and disgusted with myself
• But I also have felt loved, beautiful, and happy
• I have lost and gained and lost and gained
• I have gone from inpatient to IOP to outpatient
• I have gone from no school to living at home and commuting, to finally living on my own again

A year from now...

• I don't know where I'll be...and for once, I'm ok with that
• I know that the road is going to have many bumps and that the mountains I will climb will be unbearable
• But I also know that the view from the top is worth it, and I refuse to give up
• Maybe I'll be living at home again, and maybe I'll be in my own place
• But what I do know is that, a year from now...
• I will be living. Not existing, or barely scraping by. Living.

* p.s. my grandfather has been released from the hospital and is now home and recovering wonderfully. thank goodness. *