Friday, September 17, 2010

A Year Ago Today

Ok, so the big "day" I'm referring to in my post is actually tomorrow, but I felt like posting about it today. So, here we go...

A year ago today...

  • I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life
  • I finally reached out for help--and accepted it with humility
  • I checked myself into the hospital by my own accord and no one else's
  • I cried more than I have ever cried in a single day in my life
  • I also ate more in a single day than I had in a very long time
  • I was told I might not make it through the night because my blood sugar and heart rate were so low
  • I watched my parents walk away, and wondered when I would see them again
  • I met some amazing girls, men, and women who I will never, EVER forget
  • I gave up my education, relationships, and everything else so that I could finally get better
  • I tried to stay strong and follow all the rules
  • I felt disgusting and huge and worthless and didn't care if I died overnight
  • But then I thought about my family, and my friends, and about my future children, and I knew I needed to bite the bullet and recover

Since then...

  • I have made many gains, both in my weight and in my mind
  • I have also "slipped up" more times than I can count
  • I have felt ashamed, alone, and disgusted with myself
  • But I also have felt loved, beautiful, and happy
  • I have lost and gained and lost and gained
  • I have gone from inpatient to IOP to outpatient
  • I have gone from no school to living at home and commuting, to finally living on my own again

A year from now...

  • I don't know where I'll be...and for once, I'm ok with that
  • I know that the road is going to have many bumps and that the mountains I will climb will be unbearable
  • But I also know that the view from the top is worth it, and I refuse to give up
  • Maybe I'll be living at home again, and maybe I'll be in my own place
  • But what I do know is that, a year from now...
  • I will be living. Not existing, or barely scraping by. Living.

* p.s. my grandfather has been released from the hospital and is now home and recovering wonderfully. thank goodness. *


  1. Glad to hear about your grandfather. And I hope to read in a year about how much fun you are having in life!

  2. Hi Coco!

    I so agree that LIVING is something so much different than merely surviving each day. I want to know what it feels like to live without fear. To be courageous! I admire your courage, your growth, and your perspective about the future. What a wonderful celebration tomorrow!


  3. You go girl!!!!! I hope you are so proud of yourself for how far you have come! Your progress is truly an inspiration. I am so glad to hear that your grandfather is back home, too!

    p.s. Nice pic- love the gorgeous pink shirt!

  4. This is amazing :) I am so happy that you can look back on this year with so much insight and be excited for the next one. My "getting help" anniversary is actually right around the same time as yours! So this hits a really soft spot on my heart. I am so happy for you - I'm actually getting a lump in my throat. So proud of you are strong and beautiful and AMAZING.

  5. WOW! You rock beautiful girl, I'm so proud:)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  6. you are so beautiful! you are doing such a great job because the more happy you are on the inside the more you are on the outside and it's def showing. keep up the good work, we're all so proud of you!


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