Thursday, June 18, 2009

Taking it Slow

Good afternoon!

First off, thank you so much for your comments and also for your inspiring blogs! I know I've said this several times to several of you, but I honestly read your blogs and find such a sense of ease and relief that I am not the only one going through this kind of thing.

So, how has my week been?

Well, pretty boring, to be perfectly honest. In fact, I think I may be spending a bit TOO much time in front of the computer. I used to sit for hours and hours at my desk in my single room at college when I was deep into ED, browsing health and diet sites and calorie-counting sites, etc etc. Now my time online is spent on Facebook, blogs, and searching for recipes, but still...I need to break the habit of sitting down and passing 3 hours without even knowing it!

It could also be the weather. Right now the sun is finally playing peek-a-boo with the clouds, but still. The past few days have been sooo rainy and depressing.

I binged again last night, pretty badly. It's weird how my ED seems to have taken a whole new turn. I definitely think it's a combination of boredom, loneliness, and emotion that makes me binge. It's always at night after everyone else is asleep, and I always feel so disgusting and ashamed. But yet I still do it. I vow now to STOP this destructive behavior! I don't want to be obsessed w/ planning and calories b/c I know that's not how normal people live, but for the next few weeks I might have to just plan out my meals and snacks, especially at night, and force myself to stick to them!....Except this weekend because it's my 21st birthday and I fully intend on ordering a bunch of burritos and a huge margarita at dinner, and drinking a couple drinks (don't worry, nothing TOO extreme b/c it's unsafe at this weight) at the bar with my friends. I also told my mom I want a boston cream pie as my birthday cake, and I plan on having a generous slice with a nice scoop of ice cream on the side, because you only turn 21 once!

Last night I asked my mom to tell me honestly what I look like these days. I've been trying to avoid mirrors and scales and the like, and so I wanted her honest opinion. She told me I look like one of those runway supermodels. I don't really know if this was meant as a compliment or not, but I think it may have triggered the binge, as twisted as it sounds. I know my mother means well (most of the time), and wants me to be well, but when she makes comments, whether it's to tell me I am sooo skinny, or to say "Look at your butt! It's growing!" like she did when I was wearing my skintight yoga pants, my inner ED voice panics. It also doesn't help that my mom is constantly worried about her weight and appearance, and has voiced her desire to get lipo and a boob job. Plus, my dad likes to snack a lot, but he is also trying to get "fit" and always says "I don't know why I'm so hungry" or "I shouldn't be eating this", and it just frustrates me even more and makes my little voice tell me I shouldn't be eating this or that either, and that I need to lose weight.

But this is when the binges happen. Which makes absolutely NO sense. I think it's my regular Coco, pre-ED, who decides to binge. It seems to happen like this: I look in the fridge/pantry at some item, whether it be ice cream or a bagel, and ED says "DON'T eat it. It's bad for you." And then Coco says "Fuck you, Annie, I'll eat what I want!" and then proceeds to eat not only the coveted bagel or ice cream, but also some chocolate, oatmeal, crackers, cookies, and chocolate, just for good measure.

But from now on, no matter what voices are in my head, I'm going to eat nice healthy MEALS so I'm not tempted to snack all the time. And sure, I am in the process of gaining, so if I'm hungry and want a scoop of ice cream or a bowl of oatmeal, I'll have it. BUT I won't keep eating and eating until my tummy is about to explode and I feel depressed. I need to learn to have a healthy relationship with food, and healthy means eating what you want WITHIN REASON. I'm going to let myself have cookies and candy, probably at least once a day, but only as long as I am eating enough other healthy stuff like protein and carbs and fiber and veggies and fruits and whole grains!

Ok enough ranting about food. Maybe I'll go outside and enjoy this sliver of sunlight....

Au revoir, amigos! (Yes, I combined 2 languages, sue me)

P.S. Here's a picture of just one of the MANY MANY delicious foods I tasted in France in May. This was homemade strawberry tart baked by my Great Aunt Yveline!


  1. The reason a lot of recovering anorexics binge is because the body is still malnourished...even if you're actually eating now. It happened to me. It happened to many of us. Once your body gets back into the swing of things, so to speak, it should go back to normal. Just keep feeding it! And never EVER deprive yourself - this is a HUGE emotional trigger for binges! If you want a cookie for dessert, just have the cookie!

    I know what you mean about parents saying triggering SUCKS. But unfortunately, that's just the way the world is right now...everything is SO centered on appearance/being skinny, so you can't really blame your family for buying into that crap. You just have to do what YOU know is right!

    Stay strong <3

  2. Debbie is so right, just keep nourising yourself and don't deny yourself anything.

    My family triggers my ED all the time. My mom is constantly watching what she eats and my grandma even asks me: "You're eating AGAIN?" We just have to learn to deal with stuff like that and not care about what others think. Overtime, people's comments will start to matter less. I have faith that you can get through this, really.

  3. Hey sweetie,
    I know it must be hard to feel like you are losing control, but what you are doing is NOT binging by any means. Your body is trying to get back to its set point, and now that you are coming out of the starvation and have shown your body that food is available - it wants to take advantage of it until it feels safe. It is not binging - technically speaking by diagnostic terms, a binge is at least 2,000 calories in a sitting, and is on top of daily food requirements. What you are eating sounds like a healthy snack or two that you didn't plan on having. That is not binging and you do not need to feel guilty about it, at all. I understand if you feel more comfortable planning out for a bit though (I plan most of the time still, just because otherwise I'm indecisive.)
    I know its hard to have family members like that, but you know, the rest of the world is like that too. The only "ED-safe and sterile" environment is a hospital ward, and we certainly don't want that. It is good to be able to learn that what YOUR needs are do not have to match other people's. But, perhaps you could talk to your mom about some of her commentary and how it affects you? That may help her get a better understanding of what you are going through and enable her to be more supportive.
    I know you can get through this. You're obviously very strong willed and determined. Don't let the little things bog you down - you don't need to worry over them anyways, you've got better things to look forward to, like your life.

  4. hey hun, thanks for the lovely post :)
    Fuck ED, its our 21st's...what do you want to remember when people ask about what you did for it: you had the best time ever, eating cake and having that drink, or that you were stuck in your house because you had an eating disorder that wouldn't allow you an inch of anything?!
    The strength is what we need and you have plenty of it :) Good for you for not wanting to binge and wanting to eat healthily, since we need to find the balance to fully recover.
    Have the best weekend ever and take lots of pics for us
    much love xxx

  5. Hey Coco! First time reader of your blog. Good to see another Marylander!

    I agree 100% with what everyone else has said about the 'binge', which it totally wasn't. Your body is just so used to being starved that it's sending you signals to eat more that necessary. I went through it too and I know it's scary, but I promise it goes away when you reach a healthy weight.

    Sorry about the comments your family members make. The most helpful thing you can do is talk to them about being more careful of what they say to you. They all love you, and I'm sure they don't realize that they're saying anything that interferes with your recovery!

    Happy Friday!


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