First off, thank you so much for your comments and also for your inspiring blogs! I know I've said this several times to several of you, but I honestly read your blogs and find such a sense of ease and relief that I am not the only one going through this kind of thing.
So, how has my week been?
Well, pretty boring, to be perfectly honest. In fact, I think I may be spending a bit TOO much time in front of the computer. I used to sit for hours and hours at my desk in my single room at college when I was deep into ED, browsing health and diet sites and calorie-counting sites, etc etc. Now my time online is spent on Facebook, blogs, and searching for recipes, but still...I need to break the habit of sitting down and passing 3 hours without even knowing it!
It could also be the weather. Right now the sun is finally playing peek-a-boo with the clouds, but still. The past few days have been sooo rainy and depressing.
I binged again last night, pretty badly. It's weird how my ED seems to have taken a whole new turn. I definitely think it's a combination of boredom, loneliness, and emotion that makes me binge. It's always at night after everyone else is asleep, and I always feel so disgusting and ashamed. But yet I still do it. I vow now to STOP this destructive behavior! I don't want to be obsessed w/ planning and calories b/c I know that's not how normal people live, but for the next few weeks I might have to just plan out my meals and snacks, especially at night, and force myself to stick to them!....Except this weekend because it's my 21st birthday and I fully intend on ordering a bunch of burritos and a huge margarita at dinner, and drinking a couple drinks (don't worry, nothing TOO extreme b/c it's unsafe at this weight) at the bar with my friends. I also told my mom I want a boston cream pie as my birthday cake, and I plan on having a generous slice with a nice scoop of ice cream on the side, because you only turn 21 once!
Last night I asked my mom to tell me honestly what I look like these days. I've been trying to avoid mirrors and scales and the like, and so I wanted her honest opinion. She told me I look like one of those runway supermodels. I don't really know if this was meant as a compliment or not, but I think it may have triggered the binge, as twisted as it sounds. I know my mother means well (most of the time), and wants me to be well, but when she makes comments, whether it's to tell me I am sooo skinny, or to say "Look at your butt! It's growing!" like she did when I was wearing my skintight yoga pants, my inner ED voice panics. It also doesn't help that my mom is constantly worried about her weight and appearance, and has voiced her desire to get lipo and a boob job. Plus, my dad likes to snack a lot, but he is also trying to get "fit" and always says "I don't know why I'm so hungry" or "I shouldn't be eating this", and it just frustrates me even more and makes my little voice tell me I shouldn't be eating this or that either, and that I need to lose weight.
But this is when the binges happen. Which makes absolutely NO sense. I think it's my regular Coco, pre-ED, who decides to binge. It seems to happen like this: I look in the fridge/pantry at some item, whether it be ice cream or a bagel, and ED says "DON'T eat it. It's bad for you." And then Coco says "Fuck you, Annie, I'll eat what I want!" and then proceeds to eat not only the coveted bagel or ice cream, but also some chocolate, oatmeal, crackers, cookies, and chocolate, just for good measure.
But from now on, no matter what voices are in my head, I'm going to eat nice healthy MEALS so I'm not tempted to snack all the time. And sure, I am in the process of gaining, so if I'm hungry and want a scoop of ice cream or a bowl of oatmeal, I'll have it. BUT I won't keep eating and eating until my tummy is about to explode and I feel depressed. I need to learn to have a healthy relationship with food, and healthy means eating what you want WITHIN REASON. I'm going to let myself have cookies and candy, probably at least once a day, but only as long as I am eating enough other healthy stuff like protein and carbs and fiber and veggies and fruits and whole grains!
Ok enough ranting about food. Maybe I'll go outside and enjoy this sliver of sunlight....
Au revoir, amigos! (Yes, I combined 2 languages, sue me)
P.S. Here's a picture of just one of the MANY MANY delicious foods I tasted in France in May. This was homemade strawberry tart baked by my Great Aunt Yveline!