So, here's what happened....
Today started out as a much better day. Met w/ the nutritionist, browsed @ the mall, made some tasty chicken and rice and corn on the cob for dinner, and journaled on a park bench near the duck pond that I can walk to from my house. The sun was shining, everything felt great, and my friend Catherine, who I've known since age 3, wanted to get drinks at the Greene Turtle around 9pm. I was super excited because I haven't seen her since April and also I've never been to the Greene Turtle, but I hear it's a fun hangout and I really was looking forward to it. She was supposed to get done w/ her Bible study @ 9 and then call me when she was heading over (yes, Bible study and then drinks, don't ask me why lol).
So I put on an adorable little maxi dress and dried my hair and did my makeup and even found old pictures of Catherine and I throughout childhood that I could bring. And I even convinced myself that I was going to either order a lush daquiri-type drink or a dessert w/ a beer or glass of wine. I was ALL set.
So 9:00 passes, then 9:30. I call her. No answer. 9:45, then 10. I call again. No answer. 10:15 I text. No response. FINALLY, when I was heading upstairs to get in my pajamas and call it a night, she calls me. Giving me some lame excuse about her phone dying and not having my number and how she went to the bar and I wasn't there and it's too late now and she's so tired and could we reschedule and she'll call me Thursday after work IF she has enough time and she feels bad but she's so busy lately.
Needless to say, I was pissed. If she had really cared, she would've just come to my house and knocked on the door rather than sit at the Greene Turtle for half an hour (which I'm kind of doubting she even did). Also, our parents work together, so she could have easily asked her mom for our home number.
In any case, I realized something. I got off the phone and my mom was in the room and she goes "Why were you so nice to her? You should've SHOWN her you were upset!". And that's when I realized it--I'm the biggest pushover EVER. I was all "Oh it's ok" and "I understand you're busy" and "No big deal" and "Sure we can reschedule". I should've told her I didn't appreciate waiting around for her ass to decide I was worth calling.
So I made a decision. Catherine made me realize that I need to make myself happy before anyone else. And if someone upsets me, I shouldn't let them walk all over me anymore. So, I took myself out for ice cream. Ok ok, maybe a recovering ED person shouldn't be using food as an emotional therapy, but f*** it! I got my period tonight and I wanted some chocolate! And I REFUSE to look up how many calories are in this bad boy, because I'm sure my ED would scream.
BUT I do need to gain weight. The nutritionist is a bit worried b/c I haven't really gained in like a month! I haven't lost, but I haven't gained. Sooo now I might be a smoothie-drinking machine in the next few weeks. I want to gain at least 5 more pounds before I move into my college apartment on August 1. That's one month. That's a pound a week. It'll be hard, especially because my body seems to just burn everything I give it. It's insane! I eat and eat and eat and don't gain!
So, instead of letting ED make me feel guilty for eating this delicious and rather unhealthy ice cream from Friendly's, I'm going to enjoy it. Thoroughly and fully ENJOY it.
Ok, sorry for my rant. Thanks for all your support ladies. Seriously, this blog is what keeps me going sometimes. I love reading about your lives and feeling reassured that I'm not the only one with these damn thoughts running through my head. And you all also inspire me because I can see how much progress you have made, and it makes me want to work that much harder.
I'll do another more interesting post another day. Maybe once something interesting happens! haha. Tomorrow I might go to the Antiques Mall, which is a HUGE building where different vendors sell antiques. Anything from clothes to books to furniture to knick-knacks and everything in between. Hoping to find cool things for my new house. I'll try to snap some pics and post them!
Au revoir for now.
Keep on fighting, girls!