Good morning, ladies!
Just thought I’d give you all a little update on what’s been happening since my big move into my house this past weekend!
Well, I arrived Saturday afternoon and unloaded some of my stuff (clothes, etc) and then my friend Billie and I went to a place called Emma’s for dinner, which was amazing. They specialize in organic, local-grown foods and have lots of vegetarian and gluten-free options, and basically options to suit any diet. Billie and I both got pizza. She got a salmon pizza and I got a mushroom pizza with cheese and spinach and lots of other interesting toppings. I took a picture and will post it ASAP, but I’m at work in a computer lab so I don’t have access to all my pictures (and still no internet or cable in my big, lonely house. Ughhh).
Anyway, by this time it was already past 8, so Billie and I grabbed my classy box of Franzia white zinfandel wine, my bottle of vodka, and a few beers before heading to Danielle’s house a few streets over. We then drank and went out to BJ’s, a local restaurant, to meet some of Danielle’s friends. At BJ’s, a man we didn’t know who was in his forties ordered the 3 of us the “Bomber” drink. It includes about 7 shots of ridiculousness, and needless to say after this drink I was pretty tipsy. It is served with a flaming lemon on top, which is awesome (again, photos are forthcoming, I promise!).
After this, we headed to Bot’s Tavern, a local bar. It wasn’t as fun as the places in Baltimore, and I also didn’t know a lot of people, but once the semester starts I think it’ll be more fun there because more SU people will be around. Speaking of which, there were a few people from school at Bot’s that hadn’t seen me since April (aka when I was deepest into my ED and weighed ** lbs). One girl, who is a biatch and I never have liked, was whispering to her friend when I walked in. I think I looked pretty hot in my new silver shoes and my little purple dress, so whatev. I know I still have a long way to go in terms of gaining, but I am making progress, so the hell with what everyone else thinks.
Anyway, our night ended with a late-night pizza delivery (3 medium cheese pizzas for 3 girls! HAHA), and falling asleep around 3am with the “Sex and the City” movie on in the background.
Sunday I unpacked some more stuff and basically recovered from my wild night. Also did some much-needed grocery shopping.
Monday the Writing camp started. The kids are between grades 6 and 8 (so, around 11-13 years old) and it is actually a lot of fun. I get up early every day, around 7 or 7:15, and leave the house by 8 to walk over to campus, which isn’t far. The kids are great, and I remember some of them from last year. The other 2 counselors are girls I know from school who I also worked with last year, so it wasn’t too scary on Monday.
After the camp lets out around 12:15 each day, I basically walk home and make lunch and relax and read and watch movies that I rented from the library across the street from my house.
I find myself getting lonely, but yet when people invite me to do things I am afraid. Stupid ED. I’m proud of myself though b/c last night, I was feeling depressed all alone in my big house and was just going to sit around doing nothing, but Billie invited me to go out to dinner w/ some friends. At first I automatically said “No, thanks”, because that’s what I’m so used to doing from my ED days—isolating myself. Once I sat down and thought about it, though, I decided that the idea sounded fun and that I wanted to go. So I called her back and told her I’d changed my mind.
I was nervous at dinner and only got a cranberry walnut chicken salad, which really wasn’t enough, but I tried to make up for it by having a snack before bed.
I admit that I’m really struggling here. Lauren, my roommate, is coming tomorrow and spending the night and then we are going to her house for that music festival, which is something to look forward to. But the past few days by myself have been rough. Yes, I have the camp in the mornings, and I’ve been trying to at least have some sort of human interaction each day (like dinner last night, or talking on the phone w/ family & friends), but the isolation I feel here reminds me of ED, and makes me feel like reverting back to my old ways. I hate admitting it to myself, but I’m afraid of slipping. I want so badly to prove to my parents and friends that I’m stronger now and can conquer this, but making lunches and dinners and eating them alone has been hard. I only have minimal groceries and sometimes I get so frustrated with not knowing what to make that I fail to make a decent, healthy meal.
Although I did make delicious stir-fry chicken the other day, which I proudly photographed and will post as soon as possible.
So, I really am trying, but I feel myself thinking like an anorexic again and it worries me greatly. Like, I know that we’ll be drinking a lot of alcohol on Friday night, so I am already planning in my mind how to cut back calories this week to make up for it. And taking jogs even when I’m exhausted. It’s awful and I know I need to stop before I undo all that I’ve worked so hard for this summer. I haven’t weighed myself in a few days, partly because it’s triggering, and partly because I don’t want to feel like a failure if I haven’t gained an adequate amount. I have less than a month until the semester starts. I am supposed to gain AT LEAST 5 pounds by then, and I’m supposed to WANT to do this, but for some reason I am scared shitless.
I have not been having my 3 supplement drinks a day. Barely 1. Yesterday I had none. This vicious cycle MUST end. I just want to get better and not have the thoughts. I want to eat what I want when I want because I want it. I want to take a jog or work out because it makes me feel good, not because I will feel guilty if I don’t.
I keep taking steps back, but I feel like I am still moving forward. I need to stay positive. I think today, instead of forcing myself to take a run or a bike ride like the past few days, I am going to bring a book and walk to the river and sit on a bench and read and perhaps write in my journal. I need more inner peace, more body confidence, and to feel better about myself. I know I’ll get there. I have made HUGE progress since April (as in, 15 pounds and the ability to do things I never would have imagined like going out to eat or having PEANUT BUTTER and ice cream sundaes and CHEEESE!). However, I still have a long way to go, and I need to take it one day at a time.
P.S. I have been having a frustrating problem recently that is making it SO hard to motivate myself to gain. I have been getting compliments recently about how great I look. And I’ve been getting more male attention as well. Also, I was at the mall trying on clothes and the woman told me how great I looked and people have complimented me on my thin figure. On one hand it makes me happy. But on the other hand, it frustrated and angers me. It’s one thing for my mom and dad to give me compliments on my progress, but when people who don’t know me compliment me, it angers me because it shows how skewed society is. I am still underweight. My BMI is not in the normal range. I am still NOT HEALTHY. When I tell some people I am trying to gain at least 10 pounds, they are appalled and ask WHY?! Like it’s so terrible.
Eff society and their ridiculous ideals. I want to be HEALTHY and HAPPY. Thin is not everything. Besides, even at my goal weight, I’ll still be thin. So boo-yah!
Ok, more later….Hope you ladies are all doing well!!! I've been reading your blogs as much as possible!
I'm sorry you've been having a tough time lovie. Just remember recovery is hard sometimes, but we've gotta keep on keeping on to get to our goal =)
ReplyDeleteAww Im so sorry to hear how you've been struggling.
ReplyDeleteThose comments are hard to push past, you may look lovely at the minute but you still look thin and you arent at your goal weight. Even once you reach your goal weight you`ll still be thin looking and you`ll be even more gorgeous, just keep your target in your head and aim for it.
Im glad your enjoying the camp part though, it sounds a lot of fun. At nights could you get easy access to a computer? I know its not the most sociable of things but if your sitting in alone with nothing to do and struggling, surfing the net for a while might help to distract you and lift your attention. It helps me kill most of a night.
You have made lots of progress, to come so far since April is fantastic. Phoning back your friend for dinner was a step forward to, ok so you maybe only ordered a salad but eating out is a pretty stressful thing so to even go and do it is a great achievement.
This is your chance to prove to not only your parents but to yourself you can do this, its hard and it sucks but you can do it. Maybe try planning out a target for each day and really aim for it, like tomorrow I am going to have 3 meals and 3 snacks with my drinks.
I hope your enjoy your night out with your friend,
stay strong
xox
Mm your eats sound so delicious, and white zinfadel-- definitely a keeper. :P
ReplyDeleteCompliments *are* hard to deal with sometimes. The people who give them mean well; they are just oblivious to what goes on in our heads. I also think you have to remember that when people are giving compliments, they're trying to be nice. Just because they think you are pretty now doesn't mean they wouldn't think you are pretty with 15 more lbs. I realized this when my bf tells me I look so good and I think to myself, "I must stay x weight." But then I asked him if he didn't think I was too skinny, and he said, "Well, you could stand to gain 10 lbs." He showed me that he is trying to be supportive of my body image, but in reality he'd like even more weight because there'd be more to love on :P
I know it's hard to ignore unintentionally bad compliments, but I think you are sorting through it pretty strong :) It's great to hear you want to be healthy and happy! You've come so far and, although there are still bumps in the road, you can beat those too!
i've just come across your blog, and what hit me most was the note you just made of people asking WHY would you want to gain weight, peopel complimenting you on your thin figure, etc etc.. i get this too and i know they mean well but it's so discouraging because it feeds your ed-- at least, for me it does, because i feel like if people are thinking i look just fine now, then what will they think of me when i do gain those ten pounds or so? ed answers: they'll think you look, and are, fat, and that you should've stayed at your previous weight. huh. society today!
ReplyDeletewith your more recent posts though, it sounds like you're doing just a fine job and i'm so glad for you :) i think you're really going to get your life back once and for all. good job!!