Good morning, ladies!
Just thought I’d give you all a little update on what’s been happening since my big move into my house this past weekend!
Well, I arrived Saturday afternoon and unloaded some of my stuff (clothes, etc) and then my friend Billie and I went to a place called Emma’s for dinner, which was amazing. They specialize in organic, local-grown foods and have lots of vegetarian and gluten-free options, and basically options to suit any diet. Billie and I both got pizza. She got a salmon pizza and I got a mushroom pizza with cheese and spinach and lots of other interesting toppings. I took a picture and will post it ASAP, but I’m at work in a computer lab so I don’t have access to all my pictures (and still no internet or cable in my big, lonely house. Ughhh).
Anyway, by this time it was already past 8, so Billie and I grabbed my classy box of Franzia white zinfandel wine, my bottle of vodka, and a few beers before heading to Danielle’s house a few streets over. We then drank and went out to BJ’s, a local restaurant, to meet some of Danielle’s friends. At BJ’s, a man we didn’t know who was in his forties ordered the 3 of us the “Bomber” drink. It includes about 7 shots of ridiculousness, and needless to say after this drink I was pretty tipsy. It is served with a flaming lemon on top, which is awesome (again, photos are forthcoming, I promise!).
After this, we headed to Bot’s Tavern, a local bar. It wasn’t as fun as the places in Baltimore, and I also didn’t know a lot of people, but once the semester starts I think it’ll be more fun there because more SU people will be around. Speaking of which, there were a few people from school at Bot’s that hadn’t seen me since April (aka when I was deepest into my ED and weighed ** lbs). One girl, who is a biatch and I never have liked, was whispering to her friend when I walked in. I think I looked pretty hot in my new silver shoes and my little purple dress, so whatev. I know I still have a long way to go in terms of gaining, but I am making progress, so the hell with what everyone else thinks.
Anyway, our night ended with a late-night pizza delivery (3 medium cheese pizzas for 3 girls! HAHA), and falling asleep around 3am with the “Sex and the City” movie on in the background.
Sunday I unpacked some more stuff and basically recovered from my wild night. Also did some much-needed grocery shopping.
Monday the Writing camp started. The kids are between grades 6 and 8 (so, around 11-13 years old) and it is actually a lot of fun. I get up early every day, around 7 or 7:15, and leave the house by 8 to walk over to campus, which isn’t far. The kids are great, and I remember some of them from last year. The other 2 counselors are girls I know from school who I also worked with last year, so it wasn’t too scary on Monday.
After the camp lets out around 12:15 each day, I basically walk home and make lunch and relax and read and watch movies that I rented from the library across the street from my house.
I find myself getting lonely, but yet when people invite me to do things I am afraid. Stupid ED. I’m proud of myself though b/c last night, I was feeling depressed all alone in my big house and was just going to sit around doing nothing, but Billie invited me to go out to dinner w/ some friends. At first I automatically said “No, thanks”, because that’s what I’m so used to doing from my ED days—isolating myself. Once I sat down and thought about it, though, I decided that the idea sounded fun and that I wanted to go. So I called her back and told her I’d changed my mind.
I was nervous at dinner and only got a cranberry walnut chicken salad, which really wasn’t enough, but I tried to make up for it by having a snack before bed.
I admit that I’m really struggling here. Lauren, my roommate, is coming tomorrow and spending the night and then we are going to her house for that music festival, which is something to look forward to. But the past few days by myself have been rough. Yes, I have the camp in the mornings, and I’ve been trying to at least have some sort of human interaction each day (like dinner last night, or talking on the phone w/ family & friends), but the isolation I feel here reminds me of ED, and makes me feel like reverting back to my old ways. I hate admitting it to myself, but I’m afraid of slipping. I want so badly to prove to my parents and friends that I’m stronger now and can conquer this, but making lunches and dinners and eating them alone has been hard. I only have minimal groceries and sometimes I get so frustrated with not knowing what to make that I fail to make a decent, healthy meal.
Although I did make delicious stir-fry chicken the other day, which I proudly photographed and will post as soon as possible.
So, I really am trying, but I feel myself thinking like an anorexic again and it worries me greatly. Like, I know that we’ll be drinking a lot of alcohol on Friday night, so I am already planning in my mind how to cut back calories this week to make up for it. And taking jogs even when I’m exhausted. It’s awful and I know I need to stop before I undo all that I’ve worked so hard for this summer. I haven’t weighed myself in a few days, partly because it’s triggering, and partly because I don’t want to feel like a failure if I haven’t gained an adequate amount. I have less than a month until the semester starts. I am supposed to gain AT LEAST 5 pounds by then, and I’m supposed to WANT to do this, but for some reason I am scared shitless.
I have not been having my 3 supplement drinks a day. Barely 1. Yesterday I had none. This vicious cycle MUST end. I just want to get better and not have the thoughts. I want to eat what I want when I want because I want it. I want to take a jog or work out because it makes me feel good, not because I will feel guilty if I don’t.
I keep taking steps back, but I feel like I am still moving forward. I need to stay positive. I think today, instead of forcing myself to take a run or a bike ride like the past few days, I am going to bring a book and walk to the river and sit on a bench and read and perhaps write in my journal. I need more inner peace, more body confidence, and to feel better about myself. I know I’ll get there. I have made HUGE progress since April (as in, 15 pounds and the ability to do things I never would have imagined like going out to eat or having PEANUT BUTTER and ice cream sundaes and CHEEESE!). However, I still have a long way to go, and I need to take it one day at a time.
P.S. I have been having a frustrating problem recently that is making it SO hard to motivate myself to gain. I have been getting compliments recently about how great I look. And I’ve been getting more male attention as well. Also, I was at the mall trying on clothes and the woman told me how great I looked and people have complimented me on my thin figure. On one hand it makes me happy. But on the other hand, it frustrated and angers me. It’s one thing for my mom and dad to give me compliments on my progress, but when people who don’t know me compliment me, it angers me because it shows how skewed society is. I am still underweight. My BMI is not in the normal range. I am still NOT HEALTHY. When I tell some people I am trying to gain at least 10 pounds, they are appalled and ask WHY?! Like it’s so terrible.
Eff society and their ridiculous ideals. I want to be HEALTHY and HAPPY. Thin is not everything. Besides, even at my goal weight, I’ll still be thin. So boo-yah!
Ok, more later….Hope you ladies are all doing well!!! I've been reading your blogs as much as possible!