Saturday, August 8, 2009

Losing weight and faith

Guys, why am I such a downer lately? This sucks!

So, I am at home right now in Maryland. Last night I went out in Bethlehem, PA with my roomie Lauren (who is amazing and I love her to death and she is SO supportive and caring and patient) and *D (I won't do full name for her because I'm angry with her at the moment).

Basically, it has been a LONG week. Thursday night, Lauren arrived at our house in Selinsgrove, PA around 8pm, and I helped her set up some stuff in her room before retiring for the evening. Then, after ANOTHER restless and fitful night of sleep, I woke up around 7:15, went to work til around 12:30, then came back to our house. Then, I packed a bag and off the 3 of us girlies went to Musikfest!

So, we got to Lauren's house around 4pm and then hung out for awhile. Then we went to dinner and I really tried to push myself by getting FRIED fish tacos with a CREAMY chipotle sauce (fried things and creamy sauces are def 2 ED no-no's for me!).

Then we went back to Lauren's, drank a little, went to her friend's house, played some drinking games, and then walked into town for Musikfest. Basically, there's food, music (duh!), crafts & stuff for sale, and tons of drunk people roaming the streets.

We tired of this scene quickly because it was SO effing crowded, so Lauren, D, and I headed to Roosevelt's bar and met up with some of Lauren's old friends from high school. I drank a decent amount of Southern Comfort and a little vodka, so by the end of the night I was pooped!

So, why am I mad at D? Well, she used to be anorexic (although now I'm realizing she is NOT better at ALL), and used to be helpful to me at the beginning of recovery. Now I am realizing that she is one of those "competitive" anorexics. Yes, she is at a "healthier" weight, but is still a good 10 pounds lighter than before her ED. Also, at dinner, she ordered a burger and ate it without the bun and no cheese and touched a few of her fries and admitted that she didn't eat lunch on purpose so she could drink more later. She was constantly talking about calories and stuff, and just being VERY triggering last night. Which is part of the reason I left at 10:30 this morning and drove 3 hours to my house. I just couldn't take it anymore.

D also seems to have developed a drinking problem. She gets so super sloppy and Lauren was upset because D was being really skanky with all of Lauren's guy friends, including her old flame from high school. D also kept pressuring me to drink more and then got really sloppily drunk at the bar and started YELLING at me really loudly in front of people for no reason. She told meto just go eat something and was basically making my ED public, and I was really upset because obviously it's not something I feel like sharing with everyone, especially at the bar when I just want to be normal and have a good time. Plus, it's not like I was telling everyone about HER issues.

Oh well. I'll be ok. But all day I've been out of it. I came home STARVING around 2:30 pm and gorged myself on cereal, oatmeal, milkshakes, and PB & J, then felt sick and slept it off for 2 hours. Then felt guilty and took a jog and did a bunch of situps. Then felt guilty for doing that so I took a shower and ate as normal a dinner as possible (normally I would restrict after a binge). My stomach feels nassssty, but I'm gonna try to push through it.

I was curious after my shower so I weighed myself and could not believe my eyes...I have lost about 3 pounds since my last weigh-in a week and a half ago. I am really upset with myself.

I feel like my blogging is getting more depressing, and living alone at school is triggering ED tendencies. I need to stop this cycle, FAST. I am seriously afraid my parents won't let me go back to school in a few weeks if I don't have my act together.

I am sick of this disease ruining my life. I am 21 years old. I want to start my senior year of college off right! I want to be healthy and happy and have fun and study hard and get a good job and hang out with friends and relax and do all the things young women are supposed to do.

I need to push through this. I have had 2 Ensures today, and I'm gonna have another. And maybe some ice cream and stuff. I need to just DO THIS.


On a lighter note, Laura from worthless words gave me an award!.............

I'll post more on that later, but thanks Laura, it means a lot. :-)

Thanks for all your love and support, guys. It is incredibly awesome and I love you all!!!


  1. Hmm it sounds as though your friend D hasnt really recovered fully, she`s still hanging on to her ED. Along with developing a possible drinking prob maybe shes got some issues in her life she hasnt totally sorted out yet. Im sorry she triggered you and said those things, at the end of the day just use that as motivation in a way, you dont want to end up like her right? wouldnt it be nice to be fully recovered and able to eat a full burger without thinking of compensating.

    I know your finding this living away thing tough but when you back in a few weeks for college properly wont there be other people in the house with you? Then at least you'd have company and people to talk to more and hang out with, hopefully you wont feel so alone.

    Sorry to hear your weight dropped but you I have every faith that you`ll get yourself back on track :-) No probs about the award you definately deserve it, your such a fighter!


  2. Is 'D' for 'Douche'? I have no sympathy for girls who deliberately inflict their EDs on others - it's selfish and thoughtless. She needs to get a grip
    I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time - your healthy voice is definitely there though - congratulations on the Ensures <3 I know you will get yourself back on the right road - I have faith in you! I'll carry your hope for you, when it gets too much - we're all here!

  3. Ugghh, I'm so sorry about the situation you had to go through with this girl D. She clearly has a lot of issues herself and its so unfair shes inflicting them on you. But congrats on challenging ed with the fried food etc!
    Try not to let the weight loss dishearten you, just keep ploughing on with the Ensures and doing what you know is right. I have so much faith in you that you can get back on track again :)
    Big hugs <3

  4. hey girl! i just found your blog and i really like it. check out my new blog too! i am proud that you got the fish tacos w. the creamy sauce, good job!

  5. Hey sweetie, oh my god I cannot believe your 'friend' was shouting at you to go eat and that!! Jeezus wtf? I would have gone home too in that situation but it's such a shame that you even had to! I'm so proud of you for pushing through and eating a normal dinner after eating a load and for carrying on, it will be worth it when you get to go to school and have a normal life!!
    Congrats on the award and take care hun xxx

  6. sending love and hopes that things pick up for you asap <3

  7. *hugs* I hate those kind of girls. She is not your friend right now, she is toxic to you as a person, not just in terms of ED-recovery. I know its hard, but sometimes we have to let go of people so we can move on and better ourselves. I've had to do that a lot lately, and while it hurt - I know I am better for it.
    Keep your chin up. Things happen. You know what you need to do to keep yourself on track and to keep on making progress towards your goal. Just trust in yourself, never give up that faith or belief that you can live an ED-free life. You can, and will have that freedom one day. Just take it one day at a time and never look back.

  8. Congradulations for the award :)

    I agree with everyone, this girl is toxic. She's not you're friend. I can imagine how triggering it is and how uncomfortable you felt. I find the comment about ''skipping lunch on purpose'' was very unappropriate, even if she was going to drink later. She should be ashamed to say that.

    Anyway, hope you'll feel better by now :)

  9. wow, that's awful. i agree that this person should not be consiered a friend. right now is such an important time for you to do what is best for you and your health. i can tell you want to succeed and that you are very capable. keeppushing, keep fighting. you are worth it.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...