Sorry I've been so MIA recently.
LOTS has been going on.
Basically, I had a really rough time being alone in my apartment with no one to eat with. It was difficult to decide what meals to make and when and how much, etc etc. HOWEVER I had a weigh-in this past Wednesday and I maintained! Yes, the goal is to gain, BUT I am SO glad I didn't lose because that would have been awful! I had a really great therapy sesh on Wednesday and also a great meeting w/ my nutritionist. She spent a long time with me, and we planned some meals out so that if I have a day where I don't know what I want to make, I can go to the paper and pick one of my exact plans.
I have a week left until I move back into my apartment (with the 3 roomies this time) and the semester starts. I admit that I'm nervous and a bit worried about myself. Although I've been pushing through it by eating my meals and snacks, the ED voice has been very LOUD lately. Plus, it doesn't help that my parents seem to be fine with a yogurt for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and a rather meager dinner! I feel like a huge fat pig for eating more than my 180-pound father! However, I need to keep in mind that this is what my body NEEDS to repair itself, and that I won't have to eat like this forever.
Journaling has been helping me, as well as something I never thought I would agree to, or have a positive experience with--GROUP THERAPY. Anne (my counselor) suggested I attend, so I went to a 90-minute eating disorders group Wednesday night, and it was honestly so amazing. Awkward at first, but REALLY helpful. People with all kinds of EDs meet every week and talk about their struggles and what has worked for them. A few of the people in the group are fully recovered and were there to share their insight, which gave me a LOT of hope and encouragement.
I'm scared that when I go back to school, I will fall back into my old ways because of stress from classes and work (I work at a coffee shop!). I know my roomies know what's going on, but they also aren't going to be around all the time to hold me accountable. I need to force myself to do what I need to do to be healthy.
Anyway, I'll do a longer, more interesting post later on, but for now, just know that I'm still religiously reading all of your blogs and they are inspiring as always!
P.S. The movie "Julie & Julia" was amazing! I bought the book and can't wait to read it! *NOTE: This movie WILL make you HUNGRYYYY* hahaha
P.P.S. I am making a pasta dish w/ spinach and ricotta cheese tonight. Pasta and cheese are some fear foods of mine that I still have issues with, so I'm excited about it and am going to push myself to have a nice big plate of it!
P.P.P.S. Jenni Schaefer's book "Life Without Ed" was really great and I highly recommend it! She is coming to speak at my treatment center in October, and I really want to go!
Have a beautiful weekend. Off to plant some flowers with my daddy :-)
I've missed your posts Coco!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad everything turned out okay!
I'm dyyyying to go see that movie,
hehe
x
Well at least you didnt lose any weight and thats a good thing. Whenever your roomates have moved in with you you might find things easier beacause you wont be so lonely.
ReplyDeleteI find it gets to me as well what my family eats, they survive off very well at times! I just try my best to ignore it.
The therapy group sounds a great idea, its like blogging is great because you get so much help from others going through the same thing so to actually meet people in rl with the problems must be great ( awkward slightly but still ). Definitely keep it up, it might really help you.
I liked that book as well, I read it once and then went back over it and I can really pinpoint certain things she says/does.
Have a great weekend,
xox
Glad to hear you've maintained and that, despite struggling, you are still trying to take care of yourself! It's great that you are reaching out in different ways: journaling, group therapy, reading books. I know it can be hard when your parents seem to eat less; that happens in my family sometimes. But I also noticed my parents often eat higher-calorie foods, like a lot of desserts, so they may be eating more than we recognize visually.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to fall back into your old ways when school starts. It's all in your hands. :)
Hi coco,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading some threads on another forumand linked to your blog because I love your attitude and sould. reading your blog I can see why!
I wanted to say that something I remind myself to fight the feelings of control or "good" being how they only eat X or when your weight goes down is to remind myself that ME CHOOSING = going through with what I put my mind to: what I need to eat, gaining to a healthy weight.
Weight loss, life imprioned to limited eating =no power, no control.
=letting ED take over.
You know what we have to prove? that we CAN take control. make our own choices.
Control = gaining weight and it's a twisted lie when ED says "you" can control it when the number goes down--nope, he just wants to control you.
You are such a wonderful person, your passion shines beyond the chains--I know YOU can take control and do your thing! Tell ED to go to hell.