Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Weekend Blast from the Past

Happy February, Ladies & Gents!

Well, classes are going pretty well. My Philosophy class got cancelled for tomorrow, so all I have is therapy and nutrition, and then the rest of the day is FREE!


So, this past Friday, I decided to drive up to my house at school (as in SU, which I still consider "my" school) for an impromptu visit. L and K, two of my roommates, were busy with sorority stuff, but Kel was there and we were able to hang out and catch up. I also saw C, my roomie from soph year (and my SOUL MATE, I swear!), as well as a few other people I hadn't seen since leaving school unexpectedly in September. It was really nice to catch up with my ladies, and I even went to a party and played darts and had some wine! haha.

That isn't what makes the title of my post so appropriate, however. What made Friday night a blast from the past was the fact that I saw S, my ex-boyfriend, as well as B, a "hookup"/very good male friend from college.

B is a year older than me and graduated this past May, but still lives in the area as an EMT (he is training to become a paramedic). My freshman year of college (his sophomore year), B and I met through our job at the coffeehouse. He was my manager, and we began a flirtatious friendship. I was dating my high-school boyfriend at the time, but as soon as he dumped me, B sent me flowers and was there to comfort me. One thing led to another, and let's just say we became "close". We hung out a lot, had some great conversations, and continued flirting at work, but soon S came into the picture. S and I dated for the next 2 years, and only recently broke up this past spring, when my ED became ridiculous and drove us apart. However, S and I were incredibly close (I went on vacation with his family 2 years in a row, he came to visit my family often, I stayed with his sister and her boyfriend at their house, etc.).

So, there's the background info.


Well, on Friday, B wanted to take me to dinner, so I agreed. We have been talking recently and I figured why not? He took me to a cute little 1950's-style diner, and we had great, natural conversation. He also gave me two CDs he had burned for me. I hugged him goodbye after a good 2-plus-hour long date, and then proceeded to hang out with my ladies and go to a party.

Around 11:30 that night, S called me and wanted to know if I wanted to come to his apartment to visit him and his roommate. I was very close with both of them, as they have been roommates all 4 years of college. So of course I wanted to see both of them. Also, S and I have stayed friendly over the past 6 months, even after breaking up. He had a brief relationship that recently ended.

I walked to their apartment, and hung out in their living room for awhile watching TV and talking. It was nice. Then, S's roomie left to go hang out with some guys in the apartment upstairs, and S & I were left alone. For some reason, all of my old feelings that my ED numbness had pushed away came rushing back. I felt comfortable cuddling with him on the couch watching TV, just like old times. Then we started kissing, and one thing led to another, and let's just say I stayed the night.


So now I am torn. I was in love with S for a very long time, but I can't help but feel like it's over between us. He is sweet and kind and caring, but I felt "safe", not really "excited", by him. I think I liked the comfort of being with him, and the attention he gave me. I hadn't been touched in so long, or told I was beautiful no matter what, and it felt good. We left it pretty open-ended, and I made it clear that I really need to sort out my own life before I get involved with anyone, but now S and B are BOTH texting me quite often. I am torn. Both of these guys have a spot in my past and in my heart, and S obviously was the most major relationship of my life. I loved him so much, and we were/are best friends. However, I look at my life 10 years down the road, and I really don't see myself with him in the long run. We don't really have much in common intellectually. Our connection is mainly physical.

B, on the other hand, is someone who is so easy to talk to about anything, whether silly or philosophical. However, I don't feel as intense of a physical attraction to him.

I am not sure why I'm writing about this so much, and I don't know what to do. I am going back to SU at the end of February for a concert (Jack's Mannequin is coming!), and both guys will be there. They both know that I have kept in touch with both of them, but B definitely doesn't know that I slept with S after our date!

I feel like a slut, and I hope you all won't judge me for this. I felt weird after S and I hooked up, and it felt "wrong". Maybe that's my gut telling me it isn't supposed to happen, at least not now.


Anyway, I am going to go and prepare dinner in the crock pot and do some reading before class at 2:00. If you have any opinions or suggestions, let me know. At this point, I'm going to continue to talk to both guys because they both mean a lot to me, but I am not going to make any serious commitments. I need time to sort out my own life before I can enmesh myself in someone else's.


  1. No slut, silly girl! I totally understand but it's hard to give you any advice. All I can say is liste to your heart, don't rush things and maybe realize you don't have to make decisions right now...see what this will bring you. Enjoy it;)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  2. You arent a slut and I wouldnt think anything of the sort about you!
    This seems a little sticky situation, Im afraid Im terrible with relationship advice.
    Your feelings for S may be so intense at the minute since for so long your ed isolated you from people like him and fromm enjoying anothers company. So Id say give it a little time, dont rush into any commitments and just see where things take you.

  3. Not a slut. When you are with someone for years it's hard when it's over. Especially if they still make you feel "safe".

    As to advice, I'm in no position to give it so just support that your not a slut. But I would say follow your heart.

  4. girl, you are in now way a slut! you obviously did have a great relationship with him, and still have some feelings towards him, although you aren't sure what to do. you may need to step back a little and take it slow...see what your heart says and then follow it because i know you will make the right decision :)

    ♥ lindsey

  5. i agree with everything the other commenters said. you are not a slut coco! not at all. you just followed your instincts in that moment and sometimes we just need to let go and do something spontaneous. i am sure that over the next few days you will realize what he means to you and if there is more to the two of you or not!
    if you need to talk email me anytime


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