So, the truth is...
I am really struggling lately with my eating disorder. For those of you who have battled one, you know how much of a slippery slope it is, and how quickly it can get out of control. I was steadily gaining weight for a long time, had finally gotten to a healthy place, and felt less stressed about food and life in general.
Then, I let myself get lazy. "Oh, I'll just skip one supplement or snack today" became "I won't have ANY supplements or snack ANY day". "Oh, I'll just have water with dinner instead of a caloric beverage" became "I won't EVER have a caloric beverage".
I weighed myself this morning and it is absolutely alarming. I won't post numbers because I don't want to trigger anyone, but I am literally almost as low in weight as I was BEFORE I went to IOP last fall. I am basically back to square one, and I am really frustrated in myself for falling prey to ED once more.
I don't know what to do. My family thinks I am fine because I have been lying to them and hiding my struggles. My boyfriend doesn't even know how much I am hurting myself.
I know that ED is NOT the solution, and I know that the only way for me to get better once and for all is to JUST DO IT. I need to face my fears, EAT THE FOOD, drink the Ensure, suck it up, and gain the weight. And then I need to KEEP the weight on.
I want to have children someday. I want to set a good example for them. I want my womanly figure back. I want to feel and look spectacular in my bathing suit and shorts this summer. I want to go to a barbecue and be able to have a burger and a few beers without worrying about it. I want to be like I was a couple years ago--happy, beautiful, and most importantly, HEALTHY. I am about to go drink the first Ensure I've had in probably weeks, even though I'm supposed to be having 4 a day.
Encouragement would be much needed, please. I know I'm usually more positive, but I can't lie to you guys any longer. I'm struggling and I really need help.