Monday, April 5, 2010


So, the truth is...

I am really struggling lately with my eating disorder. For those of you who have battled one, you know how much of a slippery slope it is, and how quickly it can get out of control. I was steadily gaining weight for a long time, had finally gotten to a healthy place, and felt less stressed about food and life in general.

Then, I let myself get lazy. "Oh, I'll just skip one supplement or snack today" became "I won't have ANY supplements or snack ANY day". "Oh, I'll just have water with dinner instead of a caloric beverage" became "I won't EVER have a caloric beverage".

I weighed myself this morning and it is absolutely alarming. I won't post numbers because I don't want to trigger anyone, but I am literally almost as low in weight as I was BEFORE I went to IOP last fall. I am basically back to square one, and I am really frustrated in myself for falling prey to ED once more.

I don't know what to do. My family thinks I am fine because I have been lying to them and hiding my struggles. My boyfriend doesn't even know how much I am hurting myself.

I know that ED is NOT the solution, and I know that the only way for me to get better once and for all is to JUST DO IT. I need to face my fears, EAT THE FOOD, drink the Ensure, suck it up, and gain the weight. And then I need to KEEP the weight on.

I want to have children someday. I want to set a good example for them. I want my womanly figure back. I want to feel and look spectacular in my bathing suit and shorts this summer. I want to go to a barbecue and be able to have a burger and a few beers without worrying about it. I want to be like I was a couple years ago--happy, beautiful, and most importantly, HEALTHY. I am about to go drink the first Ensure I've had in probably weeks, even though I'm supposed to be having 4 a day.

Encouragement would be much needed, please. I know I'm usually more positive, but I can't lie to you guys any longer. I'm struggling and I really need help.


  1. girl, you can do this, i know it's hard but look back at where you were, happy and content. i'm always here to chat, you know that. you are able to do this, it's hard to pick yourself up again but atleast you realize this!! it will get better! promise!!

  2. You've realised you have slipped back and thats half the battle already. Now you just need to focus on getting back onto track, you did it once before you can do this again.
    Look back at all those posts you made about how happy you were you had gained and how much better life was. Let those memories motivate you on.
    Its very easy for those ed thoughts to creep back in so nows the time to stop them before they get worse.
    You can do this and Im always here to help you along!

  3. Not at square one, no where near it. You slipped up, that happens. But you can get back up again and start running. You don't need to be at the same place. And look what you learned. When you give up the ensure raise a warning flag. If you give up the drinks as well that's two red flags and a call to your team or someone that you trust.

    You can do this. DO NOT worry about the numbers on the scale. They are not you. Fight it again and you can win. As long as you fight you win.

  4. Coco, although I don't know you (reading your blog for a first time today) I can relate SO so much to what you wrote and what you are going through. And I am so sorry, because the realization ED is digging for our lives again and again is painful and humiliating - but it is very important to say (write, admit) it. You are brave to do it! I think next step is share your struggle with your family and your boyfriend. And drink all that ensures automatically, no excuses. I'll sip it with you (in my country we have nutridrinks) I promise. I am not loosing weight for almost a year, but I need gain a bit to be on my target. We can do it!
    I like the way you write! I am looking forward to read some of your older posts and track your progress. Please take care of yourself, because you deserve it!
    (I hope you don't mind my irruption on your blog and you'll excuse my bad language please, I am czech/swedish mixture, this year living and studying in Berlin with little expierience in english).

  5. I'm so sorry your struggling.. and I can completely understand where your coming from. Just remember that you are NEVER alone, there are so many others going through the same thing and it's SO HARD!! Focus on how good it will feel when you reach a healthy weight! Please don't let yourself slide any further. It's critical.. this is your life your playing with. This is just a small set - back! Pick yourself sweets.. keep going. You have the strength.. we all do. x

  6. I often feel like that - I want to be healthier and have curves agian, but I don't want to actually do the pyhsical gaining part. I want to miss that step out!

    If any motivational statements ever come to mind, I write them down in a notebook. Then, if I feel like I want to restrict, I read the notebook and it's sets me back on the right track.

    Remember: You want kids. You want to look gorgeous in shorts and t-shirts in summer. You want people to stop worrying about you (that often makes me feel really guilty), as my mum is so worried. Think of rhianna and beyonce - so beautiful and yet they are not stick thin.


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