"I'll do it tomorrow. I'll start tomorrow. I'll wait til tomorrow. I'll see how I feel tomorrow"....
Those are the sort of thoughts that have been running through my mind every single day for MONTHS.
Yes, some tomorrows are better than others, but I'm sick of putting recovery on hold. Because if I do that, I'll never recover. Recovery isn't supposed to be easy. And let's face it: when would I ever really wake up and say "TODAY I feel like changing?"...That's just not going to happen. ED will NEVER be ready for recovery, because recovery means getting rid of ED for good.
I talked to Anne (my therapist) yesterday, and I think I am so afraid to let go of ED because it has become such a part of who I am that I don't know where I'll be without it. It's lessened, sure. But when it is completely gone, what will I be left with? LIFE. I am afraid to live my life. I am afraid to graduate and get a job & live on my own and pay all my own bills, etc. I do some of those things now, and I have been somewhat independent, but I'm afraid to take the leap away from ED and into normal adulthood. I will be 22 years old in June. That's only 2 months away. I don't want to be stuck in the same place I was at 21.
Anne asked me what kinds of hobbies I have, and what I like to do. And honestly, my mind drew a huge blank! It's been so long since I let myself be 100% COCO. So, I'm going to experiment with some new hobbies (some art in my future, perhaps?), and try to find something outside of ED that is 100% totally ME.
My weight is still not up, and I know it's because I keep putting off the hard work of recovery until "tomorrow".
Well, guess what? TODAY is yesterday's tomorrow, so I better start working!
today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. you can do this girl. i know you can, you are an amazing girl, blessing each and every person you are around. you deserve to treat your body like a queen...recovery isn't easy, you are right, but i know you can do it!
ReplyDeleteI like this post! I really hope you can live up to your goal!!
ReplyDeleteThis post also made realize I no longer have any hobbies either. I'm terrible at art, so I'm wondering if you can tell me what kinds of hobbies you're going to explore. I need some ideas!
That was the big change for me. I knew I could go on for years, but that I needed to do the right things every single day. Not tomorrow. So do it, go for it and don't look back!
ReplyDeletexxx Julia (Taste of Living)
I think i've seen your blog before but i just found it again and was reading througha lot of your posts. I see so many similarities between you & I. I also gained to a 20 BMI and had a very open/honest expression of my recovery. I love how you tell it like it is. Recovery isn't always "peachy keen" and the more honest you are about your struggles, the better! you WILL beat this because you have such a great attitude. I will tell you right now that I am literally the happiest I have been in like..ever haha and you can TOTALLY do this! stay srong girl :)
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