Rest Peacefully, My Friend

Today I found out some heartbreaking news:

Danielle, a friend of mine from high school, whom I had known since childhood, passed away late last night. Danielle had suffered from a heart condition since birth, and although I remember her having surgery when we were children, the past couple of years she seemed to be doing great. According to the friend who gave me the news, she was having issues with her heart again and had gone in for surgery...and didn't make it.

Danielle and I were not "best" friends, but we were pretty close. We took ballet together as children, and in high school we were close because of our involvement in theatre. Danielle played my best friend when I played Kim MacAfee in "Bye Bye Birdie" our senior year. She and I also had many classes together, including an independent study senior year of high school--it was just me and her and our drama teacher! We always had such a fun time.

Danielle was talented, beautiful, and smart. Even with her struggles with her health, she was always bright and lively and a ray of sunshine whenever she entered a room. I still have the above photo, which Danielle framed and gave to me for graduation in 2006, sitting on my dresser. And here is one from backstage at a dance recital when we were little (she is on the far right in the front and I am directly behind her):

I am not a super religious person, but I do believe in God, and I believe Danielle is with him right now, and that she is at peace.

Banana Babies!

Thanks for your advice on my relationship woes. I have yet to come to a conclusion, but I definitely think communication is key. Any further advice would be greatly appreciated.

On another note, I wanted to share something amazing with you! A new Food Lion opened a few miles from my house, and yesterday my mom & I decided to stop in. In the frozen section, I found these little babies:

All I can say is, Diana's Bananas dark-chocolate covered frozen banana babies are incredible! Each one is tasty, delicious, and nutritious! The perfect dessert. Just thought I'd share the love. Has anyone else ever had these, or something similar?

What is your favorite summertime dessert? Besides these babies, I enjoy fresh seasonal berries with whipped cream.

Pictures etcetera

First things first--here are a few snapshots from my weekend at the Outer Banks, as promised:

our beach house. literally right ON the beach!

Cape Hatteras lighthouse


Us in front of the lighthouse

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OOPS! how did this picture get in here?! ;-) this is a random breakfast of blueberry pancakes topped with strawberries & whipped cream...my new summer favorite.

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So, other than getting back in the groove after vacation, I have been babysitting. I also went into mom's office with her today (yes, on a Saturday!) to help her get some stuff done. I was her personal filer/paper shredder/report proofreader. It was actually kind of fun!

Recently I have been doing a lot of thinking. About life, the future, where I want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years...and also, my current relationship. I admit, I wasn't completely honest when I spoke about my trip with B in my last post. Yes, it was fun, but we also had quite a few disagreements over the course of a few days. I have noticed that things between us aren't the same as they were a few months ago. We've only been dating 5 months, but I already feel unsure about where this relationship is going, and to be honest, I don't know where B really fits into my future. I don't want to go into too much detail on the blog, for fear of him (or someone close to him) reading this, and because I respect the privacy of our relationship. However, I have been feeling uneasy about us lately, and I often find that he is condescending towards me and does not take my feelings into account. He will brush something off, even when I tell him it is important to me. Small example: While driving, he took control of the music selection with his phone and iPod. I happened to mention that I liked a song that had just come on, and B said "Ugh, this song is SO overplayed!" and proceeded to skip to another song. Is this a big deal? Nah, not really. But things like this happened often--it wasn't just an isolated incident. I feel that in a relationship, you are supposed to be a team, and both partners' opinions and feelings should be taken into consideration. Compromise is healthy and necessary. And right now, I feel like I'm compromising everything, while he is compromising nothing.

Any advice? Am I being too sensitive and I should just let it go? Or should I listen to my gut, which is telling me that if I have a serious talk with him about this and things don't change, it may be time for me to let go.

Back to the Daily Grind

Long time, no blog!

Well, after about 18 hours of driving (round-trip), a lot of stops for coffee and fast food, and a glorious few days in North Carolina, I am finally home safe and sound!

B & I drove to his family's beach house Saturday night...and ended up sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic for hourssss. When we finally got there, we made some PB&J (speaking of which, please take a few minutes to watch this video) and called it a night...yes, it was about 7pm. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

Sunday, we beached it up for a few hours in the morning. I had no idea how close their house is to the beach! They have been renting the same house for several years, and it literally is ON THE WATER. As in, the waves crash underneath the deck. As in, your bed moves at night from the water. It was scary & peaceful all at once. After we lounged on the beach for awhile, I was HOT and needed some relief, so we headed to the Wright Brothers National Museum & Memorial to learn about Orville and Wilbur Wright's first flight! I have to admit, I am such a sucker for historic landmarks and things. Good thing my boyfriend is too ;-)

Sunday night B & I had a nice dinner with his family--burgers on the grill, corn on the cobb, & salad--and then he & I had a date night to see Inception! I had no idea what to expect. It was awesome though. Seriously. Most movies I see in theaters are what I like to call "renters"--meaning they're good, but not worth $10 good. But Inception was seriously worth the $10 movie ticket! In fact, we even joked about going the next night too, it was THAT good! I won't tell you much, in case you want to see it. I think movies are always better when you go in without any preconceived notions.

Monday was another day at the beach. Lounged around in the morning on the beach, and then went to see some random sights--like this lighthouse--in the afternoon. It was hot outside but we drank lots of water. Then Monday night, B & I went to Barefoot Bernie's restaurant and I had the "grouper in a bag". Wish I had taken a picture--it literally was grouper (that's a type of fish, btw) that had been seasoned and baked in a paper bag. It came out in the bag, and I ripped it open and dug right in! On the side were steamed veggies and a huge helping of mashed potatoes. Needless to say, I was a happy camper.

Then Tuesday (yesterday) we drove home! Ben spent the night and left early this morning. Then, I babysat my sweet little boys again all day. Phew, I sure am pooped! Watching 2 boys for hours at a time gives me a new appreciation for all the mothers out there. And it makes me simultaneously nervous and excited about being a mommy someday. I haven't gotten my period regularly in over a year, though, which really worries me. I need to stop screwing around with ED and get my body healthy enough for motherhood! I know I'm only 22, but I don't want to mess with my chances!

So, overall, the vacation was pretty good. The boy and I did have a few little arguments here & there about trivial things like which directions to follow or which place to stop for food. But all in all, it was another successful trip with the boy!

I will do a photo-post soon, once I upload all the pictures. For now, I am pooped. I'm gonna have some ice cream, watch SYTYCD, and call it a night!

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What is your favorite summer television show?

Even though it sometimes gets dragged out (two hours tonight!), I have to say I LOVE So You Think You Can Dance. It makes me nostalgic for my past, when I was a pre-professional ballet dancer. I have been following SYTYCD since it started a few years ago, and I am hooked.

Leaving Bright & Early

The past 2 days have been sunny and beautiful! And HOT!

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I just wanted to post a little farewell, as I'll be sans internet for a few days. That's right, folks--I'm leaving tomorrow morning BRIGHT & EARLY for North Carolina!

The boy is picking me up and then we are driving the 7 hours to get there! Maybe we'll stop off and do some random sightseeing along the way.

I will be there until Tuesday evening. Don't miss me too much ;-)

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Do you like having internet access on vacation, or do you enjoy taking a break from technology and "unplugging" for a few days?

I definitely am hooked on the internet when I'm at home, but part of the experience of vacation and "getting away from it all" is to limit my computer and phone usage! I'll stick to my old-fashioned book-reading while I soak up the sun :-)

A Crabby Night

Thanks for the encouragement and feedback on my last post. Not being able to exercise is difficult, but I know that once I reach my body's healthy weight, I will have the energy to do all of the active things I want to do. And the sooner I reach my goals, the sooner that can happen!

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It's a rainy morning here in Maryland, but I have had a pretty nice couple of days. My boyfriend came to visit me Monday night and left this morning. On Monday night, we had a crab feast, Maryland style of course! There were crabs, corn on the cob, potato salad, beer, and lots of conversation. It was splendid.

crab night essentials: mallets, Old Bay seasoning, beer, and crabs from our local favorite!

Then yesterday B and I had the laziest of all lazy days--woke up late, made pancakes, and then proceeded to lay around alllll dayyyy. In fact, we only left the house twice--once to buy wine before dinner, and again to get ice cream after dinner!

This morning I had another family therapy appointment with both parents, and I'm happy to say it went really well. I am getting closer to my goals, and the three of us are communicating much better than ever before. I am really optimistic about my recovery.

This Saturday, B and I are driving 6.5 hours to The Outer Banks in North Carolina! I am nervous but also really really excited. We will be there until Tuesday evening.

Well, I am off to make lunch and then go babysit/hang out with my 2 favorite boys:

Toby


and
Finley!


Have a great day--halfway through the week :-)

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What's your favorite rainy-day activity? I love curling up on the couch with a good book and a cup of tea, and my kitty by my side.

No Gym, No Problem?

*Sigh*......

So, it's a gorgeous day outside, and I would LOVE to go for a run or even just a leisurely walk....but alas, I'm still not allowed. My weight is by no means dangerous anymore, but I am still a few pounds from my goal weight. Which means, no exercise for the time being (besides light everyday activity).

So, my parents both headed out to the YMCA over an hour ago to work out, and I had to stay here, and eat. And sit. And read.

Part of me is very frustrated by this. I want to be healthy enough to work out and feel in shape. However, I do agree with my treatment team and parents that I don't want to become a gym addict again, running mile after mile on the treadmill simply because it burns calories. I am proud of myself because I honestly have not set foot in a gym or on a treadmill in probably a year, besides when I was taking yoga once a week.

I guess this is good incentive for me to keep pushing. For some reason, I always get to this point where I am XXX pounds, and going to the next level is scary for me. This is exactly what happened a few months ago when I relapsed. I can't let that happen again. My LAST SEMESTER EVER OF COLLEGE starts on August 30th, and I need to be at least XXX pounds to attend. I am so close, so I don't want to mess it up now.

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In other news, I finally saw the boy the other night, very briefly! He drove 4 hours just to see me! hehe. I have also been invited to the beach in North Carolina with his family (4 younger brothers--whoah!), so I am going to be at the Outer Banks from the 17th thru the 20th of July. I am anxious and nervous for a variety of reasons (body image/bathing suit issues, food, social anxiety, etc), but I am sure it will be ok. B is looking out for me. Thank goodness for that man.

Well, I'm off to do something--maybe retail therapy?! Later.

What is your favorite way to de-stress when you are feeling anxious? I have a variety of coping skills, like shopping, reading, taking a walk, watching a funny movie, stretching, or calling a friend.

Nostalgia

Hope everyone's 4th of July was as nice as mine--though maybe not as HOT. Here in Maryland it was around 100 degrees, and still is today!

Our BBQ went well--I had a hot dog and some beer and a mixed drink, and felt rather pleased with myself. I even had some ice cream right before bed (around midnight!!) because I was feelin' a little hungry again. I'm really trying to tune in to my hunger/fullness cues, and to realize that to allow myself to feel hunger and to satisfy that hunger is not only ok, but it is essential! Why oh why did I keep myself from living for so long?

Anyway, the BBQ was great. Lots of relatives and friends, including the 2 adorable little boys I often babysit. I got the most adorable photo of the 2-year-old wearing a big hat that I will have to upload later.

In other news, my mom randomly decided to buy a car. Well, not exactly randomly. She paid off her 2005 Toyota Camry awhile ago, and had been looking for something newer, like a Mercedes or BMW (I'm not a spoiled rich girl, I swear! My current car is a 2001 and my first car in high school was a beat-up Saturn that didn't always start in the morning).

But, she decided that those cars were too expensive, and even though she technically can afford it, she wanted something that was still nice but not THAT pricey. So, she got herself a terrific deal on a 2010 Acura TL. It is awesome, and it has a navigation system and it can download music to it--like having a computer or iPod in your car! It also has live weather and traffic reports, and it's super pretty and nice. Maybe in a few years I can "inherit" it....although mom says she's gonna be keeping this one for quite some time, since it's so nice.

Besides cars and parties, not too much is happening. Today, as it was too scorchingly hot to go outside, I decided to make myself productive inside by filing bills and papers, emptying drawers and closets of my junk, and overall organizing things. I came across some old cards & letters I received from my friends when I left school last fall to go into treatment. I ended up sitting on my bed and reading them and crying for half an hour. It wasn't a bad cry or a good cry. Just a needed cry. I am sad to see where I was at my lowest point, both physically and emotionally, and it brought everything back to me. However, I am proud of myself for pushing through this and coming out even stronger than ever before.

I also found lots of old birthday/christmas/(insert occasion here) cards that I saved from years past. Those were fun to look at.

Does anyone else have a problem with keeping things? I know I do, especially when they hold sentimental values, like photos or handwritten cards & letters.

Independence Day

First off, I just want to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who gave me their honest advice on my last post. I have stopped communicating with this other guy, besides the occasional friendly "hello", because I realized that the only reason I was continuing the flirtation was because I miss my boyfriend and I miss the attention. Since B is away this summer and I've only seen him once in the past month, it's difficult sometimes to remember how incredible he is. But I talked to him on the phone recently, and was like, "Wow. I love this man." Seriously. He is so incredible in every way, and I am grateful to have him in my life.

In other news, my stolen wallet situation is still being handled. Spent about an hour at the bank today filling out paperwork about the fraudulent charges. And I literally have no cash or credit cards (and no wallet, for goodness' sake!). BUT the great news is I WILL be getting my money back, even if it takes a few days for it all to process.

So, this weekend is Independence Day--July 4th!

My family is hosting a BBQ with some family and close friends--probably around 20 people total. We are going to be grilling burgers, hotdogs, "brats" (bratwurst--my mom's favorite), and I am in charge of making a summer salad and a red-white-and-blue cake! (I'm thinking of decorating it with cool whip, blueberries, and strawberries--yum!). People are bringing other side dishes.

I am a little nervous about the holiday, as I am with any BBQ event since it is focused around FOOD. However, I have my coping mechanisms and my support with me this weekend, so all will be well.

What are your big Independence Day plans?