So, today was a weird day. Good AND bad, I suppose. Good because I finally got a decent night's sleep so I woke up feeling refreshed. Also good because the sun was out and there was a light breeze, but it wasn't TOO hot. Good because I went for a bike ride (only like 10 minutes though haha) and it felt so nice to have the wind in my hair. Good because I took myself shopping and splurged on myself a little. I bought this new dress (and the pink clutch, which will be used as a "bar" purse):
Bracelet & shoes: model's own
haha I love when they do that in magazines
Then I proceeded to pose in the dress. And take pictures of myself (SO modest, I know.)
aaand another, then I promise I'm done with the dress!:
So, as I was saying, today was good. So, I bought the dress and the clutch and a couple other random things, like some crafty fun stuff at Michael's and also a gift for my mom. I would tell you what it is, but she tends to creep on my Facebook and may come across this blog, so I don't wanna spoil it for her. So anyway, I was feeling pretty positive and keeping myself busy, and then I realized it was almost 2 pm and I hadn't eaten lunch yet, so I ran home and made this not-so-special sandwich w/ chicken and cheese, plus some veggies & pretzels w/ hummus dip on the side.
And as for the Luna bar, well I actually never ate it. I had a large watermelon slice instead.
So, the day was going pretty well, and I was doing laundry and cleaning and stuff because my aunt and uncle are coming down from Pittsburgh for the 4th of July (which should be interesting because they haven't seen me since Christmas, and I am still a good 15 pounds lighter than I was then. *sigh*. However, it will be fun because we are having a crab feast! YAY Maryland blue crabs! My favorite food ever. Crabs, corn on the cob--with Old Bay seasoning, of course!--and beeeer. It's gonna be redic.).
So, then the day started going bad. Not "bad", per se. But ED is creeping back in, I can feel it. We decided to go to Olive Garden tonight, which is where I used to work in high school, and even after working there I can tell you that it's actually very clean in the kitchen and stuff, even after that nationwide scare. I genuinely like their food, too.
But as soon as my mom suggested it, I got all freaked out and was like OMG what am I gonna order? And I was pissed that I had eaten lunch so late b/c I wasn't even HUNGRY for OG. And then my ED started flipping a shit, making me check the calories online. I ended up still eating a big, hearty meal: first I had a free sample of pinot grigio, then I had a frozen fruity cocktail thing (which is like 200 calories. gahhh ED stop ittt), and then I had Minestrone soup as an appetizer and then Cheese Ravioli w/ Marinara sauce as my meal. Plus half a breadstick. And it was all very delicious and tasty. Except I didn't enjoy it like I should have. Annie (my nickname for anorexia. I'm SO original) kept me from fully enjoying myself. Each bite felt like a chore. And I felt sick to my stomach. And disgusting and fat. And I ate almost the entire thing, but only because my parents were there. And I just hate her for doing this to me. I usually LOVE going out to eat.
And I'm even freaking out about my relatives coming this weekend because, not to sound harsh or anything but my aunt and uncle are rather large and like to consume rather large quantities of food. And my mom's already talking about burgers and hot dogs and yada yada and ED is like OMG NO. And I know I don't have to eat as much as everyone else, and I can still eat a normal amount, but I just get so nervous in social situations and I feel like I have something to prove to them. Like I have to stuff my face in front of them so they believe that I'm actually recovering.
GAH it's so difficult. Annie is telling me I look fine and don't need to gain. And yes, I have gained about 15 pounds in the past 2 months which is INSANE, but I could use a good 10 or 15 more at LEAST. And recently, it's not that I've been restricting per se, but I definitely haven't been in "gain" mode. It's so exhausting sometimes. I just want to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full and not overeat or undereat or feel guilty or analyze calories or any of those other stupid ED time-consuming things. I just wanna be a normal person like I was a year or 2 ago.
Will this ever get better? I know there will be good days and bad days, but I just want to stop freaking out so much. I'm afraid that I won't be able to accept my body when I gain all the weight back. I'm getting too comfortable at this "in-between" stage and I'm worried. I need to just put the pedal to the metal and GAIN right now or else I'm afraid I never will.
P.S. It doesn't help that people keep telling me how AWESOME and beautiful I look. If I look so great, then why do I need to gain 15 more pounds???? It's so confusing. I know people are trying to make me feel good about how far I've come, but when ED hears the compliments, ED doesn't want to gain....
On a lighter note, I took a couple pics of my best friend Boomer the cat, and also of my Beta fish, Claude Monet. And of my room here at home so you can see where the magic (doesn't) happen!
his old collar was argyle and red and black and super cool, but he lost it. laaame.
blondes have more fun
I keep it yellow and bright to make me happy!