So anyway, let me back up a little and tell you about my week. It's been pretty boring, to be honest, and kind of difficult mentally. I feel like I take 5 steps back for every 1 step forward. But at least that means I'm still overall moving in a positive direction, however slowly it may be.
Wednesday was my weigh-in with Courtney, and also my therapy session with Anne that my mom decided to attend with me. First, the weigh-in: I barely gained. Not even half a pound. I admitted to her that I probably haven't been eating enough. She told me to increase to 3 Ensure Pluses a day, and to add some more snacks. I don't know why, but it's been SO hard for me to eat lately without feeling terrible about myself! (Oh, wait. Could the reason possibly be that I have an ED? hahaha.) Sorry, I'm a bit sleepy.
But I am just struggling because I keep going back and forth. I'm happy to be gaining but when I see the number rise I freak out. I enjoy delicious food but after I eat I feel fat and guilty and worthless. It's difficult for me, and some days I don't even want to make lunch because I struggle so much with deciding what to make and how much and what I should drink and whether or not I should have a snack. I was doing so well for awhile, and now I feel like I am ruminating wayyy too much on food.
But I am hoping this 2-week stint where I have a job and am living on my own and cooking my own meals will be a good test for me. A good test of strength. I have already typed up a list of goals and positive affirmations to hang in my room. And I have lots of lists of meal and snack ideas Courtney gave me that I put in a binder. And 2 brand-new cookbooks that I can't wait to break open! I WILL conquer this. I also forced myself to make plans with friends for during the 2 weeks so that I stay sane and social and connected. And so I EAT enough. I am going to my roommate's house next weekend for Musikfest, which is this awesome music festival with lots of drinking and music (duh) and people selling crafts and just lots of fun things. So, I'm really excited about that.
Ok so this is longer than I thought. But let me get back to my week. So, the meeting w/ my mom was pretty pointless. She was so concerned with making herself look good to Anne that she lied out of her ass and I kept my mouth shut because I don't even have the energy or even care enough anymore to fight her. Even tonight, she was in a bad mood after a long day at work and she just says things to purposely trigger me. I can't wait to get away. My dad agrees. He said I need to get away from her. Tonight, she was all stressed out trying to decide what to wear to some family reunion my parents are going to (I can't go b/c of the camp), and she just kept making negative comments about how "fat" she is and about wanting to look younger, etc etc. and my dad and I were getting annoyed. And I told her that she should be more focused on how she feels and on having a fun time and that it isn't all about appearances and that she'll look great no matter what and that nobody is going to think she looks old or fat.
And she said "Life IS all about appearances. Whoever says it isn't is just lying. All people care about is how you look." and continued on and on with words like these. Here I am, a recovering anorexic, finally realizing there is so much more to life than a number on a scale or how your hair looks or what outfit you have on, and she goes and rains on my parade. *sigh*
Oh well. Anyway, I am determined this time to make this work and to push the negative thoughts away and replace them with positive ones. Today I was going to push myself to take a run, but I realized I was too tired and sore and so I didn't. I didn't exercise at all. And I probably won't tomorrow either. Even though I went out to dinner tonight and will tomorrow. And guess what? I didn't grow 8 chins and I didn't die or anything! ED is so silly and irrational sometimes, and I think I'm finally able to counter those thoughts with more productive ones. Yes, the negativity still lurks, but I'm learning to fight back.
The rest of my week has been a bit droll and boring, but I'm ok with it. I am getting lots of reading and writing done, and will probably do a lot more in these next 2 weeks. And I think working with kids will be fun, and I'll be making a little bit of money and keeping myself occupied, if only for a few hours.
This post is so ridiculously long, and I apologize. Hopefully I'll be posting soon! Adios ladies!