Friday, July 31, 2009

Adieu for now, ladies!

So, I am leaving tomorrow afternoon to move back into my house at school. I called the cable company to set up a time for internet and cable installation, but the earliest they can come is Monday, August 10th. Sooo I'll be living all by myself in a 4-bedroom, 2 bathroom house with no TV or internet for a week out of the 2 that I'm there. At first I was freaking out, but I think it could be a really positive thing. Sometimes I feel like we depend too much on technology to keep us occupied, so this just means I'll have to be a little more creative. Plus, I am working at a creative writing camp for kids in the mornings from 8-12:30 each day, and I'll have internet access there (so maybe I'll be able to do a quick post or two). Also, I live right next to the public library and within walking distance of campus, so anytime I am super bored, or if I start to miss you guys too much and want some blog lovin', I can walk on over to campus and get online!

So anyway, let me back up a little and tell you about my week. It's been pretty boring, to be honest, and kind of difficult mentally. I feel like I take 5 steps back for every 1 step forward. But at least that means I'm still overall moving in a positive direction, however slowly it may be.

Wednesday was my weigh-in with Courtney, and also my therapy session with Anne that my mom decided to attend with me. First, the weigh-in: I barely gained. Not even half a pound. I admitted to her that I probably haven't been eating enough. She told me to increase to 3 Ensure Pluses a day, and to add some more snacks. I don't know why, but it's been SO hard for me to eat lately without feeling terrible about myself! (Oh, wait. Could the reason possibly be that I have an ED? hahaha.) Sorry, I'm a bit sleepy.

But I am just struggling because I keep going back and forth. I'm happy to be gaining but when I see the number rise I freak out. I enjoy delicious food but after I eat I feel fat and guilty and worthless. It's difficult for me, and some days I don't even want to make lunch because I struggle so much with deciding what to make and how much and what I should drink and whether or not I should have a snack. I was doing so well for awhile, and now I feel like I am ruminating wayyy too much on food.

But I am hoping this 2-week stint where I have a job and am living on my own and cooking my own meals will be a good test for me. A good test of strength. I have already typed up a list of goals and positive affirmations to hang in my room. And I have lots of lists of meal and snack ideas Courtney gave me that I put in a binder. And 2 brand-new cookbooks that I can't wait to break open! I WILL conquer this. I also forced myself to make plans with friends for during the 2 weeks so that I stay sane and social and connected. And so I EAT enough. I am going to my roommate's house next weekend for Musikfest, which is this awesome music festival with lots of drinking and music (duh) and people selling crafts and just lots of fun things. So, I'm really excited about that.

Ok so this is longer than I thought. But let me get back to my week. So, the meeting w/ my mom was pretty pointless. She was so concerned with making herself look good to Anne that she lied out of her ass and I kept my mouth shut because I don't even have the energy or even care enough anymore to fight her. Even tonight, she was in a bad mood after a long day at work and she just says things to purposely trigger me. I can't wait to get away. My dad agrees. He said I need to get away from her. Tonight, she was all stressed out trying to decide what to wear to some family reunion my parents are going to (I can't go b/c of the camp), and she just kept making negative comments about how "fat" she is and about wanting to look younger, etc etc. and my dad and I were getting annoyed. And I told her that she should be more focused on how she feels and on having a fun time and that it isn't all about appearances and that she'll look great no matter what and that nobody is going to think she looks old or fat. 

And she said "Life IS all about appearances. Whoever says it isn't is just lying.  All people care about is how you look." and continued on and on with words like these. Here I am, a recovering anorexic, finally realizing there is so much more to life than a number on a scale or how your hair looks or what outfit you have on, and she goes and rains on my parade. *sigh*

Oh well. Anyway, I am determined this time to make this work and to push the negative thoughts away and replace them with positive ones. Today I was going to push myself to take a run, but I realized I was too tired and sore and so I didn't. I didn't exercise at all. And I probably won't tomorrow either. Even though I went out to dinner tonight and will tomorrow. And guess what? I didn't grow 8 chins and I didn't die or anything! ED is so silly and irrational sometimes, and I think I'm finally able to counter those thoughts with more productive ones. Yes, the negativity still lurks, but I'm learning to fight back.

The rest of my week has been a bit droll and boring, but I'm ok with it. I am getting lots of reading and writing done, and will probably do a lot more in these next 2 weeks. And I think working with kids will be fun, and I'll be making a little bit of money and keeping myself occupied, if only for a few hours.

This post is so ridiculously long, and I apologize. Hopefully I'll be posting soon! Adios ladies! 


  1. First off, great for not pushing yourself into exercise, if your tired you shouldnt do it, you`ll just end up doing yourself more damage Plus its one up to you :-).

    Gosh your mum is so triggering sounding, really when as soon as she starts talking like that Id just leave the room since she doesnt seem to understand how it affects you. Maybe this two weeks away will give you both a break.

    Sorry to hear your struggling with your intake. I find it a huge problem as well trying to decide what to eat, this causes me so many headaches, I end up eating the same stuff most days but its a struggle.
    Maybe if you are trying to up your intake but cant eat any extra try adding more dense sauces or something into your meals? Might sneak in a bit more without the extra bulk.
    Dont feel guilty about enjoying your food, its meant to be enjoyed, thats why we have tastebuds! Its hard I know but just think once the gaining part is all over you can get back to just enjoying your food and hopefully not stressing over it.

    Enjoy your next few weeks, I hope you get plenty to do so you dont end up bored!

  2. Thanks for saying you're a fan of my blog :P Makes me feel like a celebrity.

    Working at a creative writing camp sounds so fun! Enjoy the apartment to yourself while you can ;) really relax it up and pamper yourself.

    I don't mean to sound rude about your mom because I'm sure there are some nice things about her, but fact is what she said = dumb. She really has problems with her own self-image. Life is NOT all about appearances. If it was, everyone would be two-faced and rotten behind their 'proper' facades. You were right: she should've been thinking about what she was going to enjoy at the event, not how everyone was going to "judge" her. Despite being surrounded by THAT negativity, sounds like you've got your head on pretty straight :)

  3. It sounds like working at the creative writing camp will be a very good thing for you.
    Sometimes, we know we need to get ourselves out there and give ourselves positive things to occupy our time, but it's so difficult to actually find things to do! So I am so glad you're using this opportunity as a way to prove to yourself you CAN and will be able to take care of yourself. I hope things go well!

    Having meal plans is a very beneficial thing to alleviate some of the anxiety around food, but it can also become a rather large hindrance. So, it's so nice to hear that you have created options for yourself. You still have a plan, but a lenient one.
    A large part of recovery is re feeding and re-adjusting our bodies to a proper, healthy diet. But, unfortunately, our bodies (and minds!) don't always appreciate it right away. Hang in there. I have all the faith in the world that you can beat this.

    Oh girlie, mommas and daddies are often the biggest culprits in keeping your body image in the pits. Your parents, no matter how old you are, will always have a huge impact on how you see yourself. But, though you have to respect what they say, you also have to respect yourself and what feels right to you. Hearing your mom talk down on her own body and make comments about ideal appearances is definitely not helpful. Have you tried talking with her about how it affects you? I know sometimes parents aren't very receptive to comments like that... If she can't respect that you don't appreciate hearing her talk like that, then my only advice is to take matters into your own hands and rationalize within yourself that what she's saying is so untrue.

    I've never seen you, I have no idea what you look like, but girlie, I know that you are a beautiful person.
    See, appearances have no hold on how people perceive you. What matters is how you treat those around you. And you seem like a truly sweet person. :]

    Good luck with the upcoming week! Enjoy the camp and a few days with out technological-sidetracks. ;]


  4. I hope things are working out a-ok for you <3

  5. Omg, your mum is so unsupportive, Im so sorry for you hun!! I really hope she learns but getting away will do you the world of good :)
    Gosh you must be eating a shitload now, woop! Enjoy all those yummy eats.
    Hopefully youll be posting soon ;)
    Take care my love xxx


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