Friday, July 17, 2009

Difficult Choices

First, of all, I want to say thank you TORI (and I guess, thank the Gods of Chance) for choosing me as one of your winners in your drawing! It really made my day :-)


Ok, so, as you know from my last post, things had been weird with my mom. Well, I'm afraid it really isn't much better. We haven't "fought" again this week, but I feel like there's tension. I talked to my therapist on Wednesday about it, and I think I've figured it out: 

My mom is afraid to deal with my eating disorder because of her OWN insecurities. I'm serious. I asked her to read a book about it, and she seemed uncomfortable by the idea. 

Also, I started reading "Do I Look Fat in This?" by Jessica Weiner (who wrote "A Very Hungry Girl", her own memoir about her struggle with ED which I have yet to read b/c it wasn't in the library). I highly recommend this book to women EVERYWHERE, whether you have an ED or not, are young or old, black or white, whatever. Jess talks about the "Language of Fat", and how women are practically encouraged by society to "bond" over body-hatred and "feeling fat". But remember, FAT IS NOT A FEELING!

But anyway, there is a section in her book about mother-daughter relationships, and also about friendships and how women seem to compete and thrive off of one-another's poor body image. It's sick. There are real-life examples in the book, and I realized that my mom and I are a prime example. I know my mom doesn't do it intentionally, but she really is just unhappy with herself and always has been for as long as I can remember, and it has rubbed off on me and my own feelings about my own body. For example, growing up, my mom always warned me that I was going to inevitably inherit her big hips and thunder thighs, and small boobs. It's like I've been "doomed" since I was born!

But Jess's book is about how life doesn't begin 5 pounds from now, and we should spend our time furthering our relationships and careers and living our lives rather than spending all our time obsessing over calories and clothes and images and berating ourselves.

So anyway, last night my mom colored my hair (just blonde again like usual b/c I had some massive roots! Although this time it's a bit lighter for summer), and I was reading the "Do I Look Fat in This?" book while I waited for the color to set. And so I thought, it's just the two of us, dad isn't home, so I'm gonna try to connect with her. SO I say "Hey mom, I think you'd really find this book interesting.", and tried to tell her about the positive message Jess sends about the Language of Fat and how we should cast it aside.

And my mom goes "Oh, come on, honey. That's just how women are. You can't get mad at me for saying I want to lose weight, because I need to lose weight." So I tried to explain that it is hard for me to overcome my ED thoughts about body image when she has such a poor body image herself, and sure enough, she got all defensive. And this is what she actually said to me:

"Well, I'm sorry, but you can't expect everyone around you to change. It's like an alcoholic expecting people to stop drinking around them or something. It's just not realistic." 

And I said that if someone I loved was an alcoholic and they told me it would help them recover better if I didn't drink around them, then I would MAKE THAT SACRIFICE out of love for them. At this point she walked away. And this is after she had already made comments about "WOW! I didn't realize how much your hair had thinned recently. We usually need 2 boxes of haircolor but I think we'll only need one!" and "Jeez, your ends are really dry and damaged!" Gee, thanks ma.

I really don't know what to do. My mom honestly speaks the language of fat ALL THE TIME, and Jess' book is making me realize that, and it makes me realize how toxic that is for my situation right now. My recovery is honestly lacking because of this. For example, we went to Yoga together last night and ran into my mom's super-fit, gym-crazed friend and they were both joking about their "flabby" stomachs and how they need to start working out more.

It drives me crazy. Every time I flip the channel, there's some new diet trick or workout machine or stupid trend involving liquid diets. It's sickening. Truly sickening. It makes me ashamed that I fell into the trap, but also makes me sad because I don't want any more women to fall as hard as I did. I could have DIED. I literally was near-death only 3 months ago. And yet, my mom continues to live her life in a cycle of diet/exercise, lose a few pounds, eat again, gain a few pounds, berate herself, diet again, lose a few pounds, etc etc.

Why can't it all stop? EEEEK.

Ok enough ranting.

Wednesday I had a weigh-in at the nutritionist and it went down 2 pounds. Not good. SO I have been told to lower my activity levels and now I have to drink 2-3 Ensure Plus supplements a day, in addition to my meal plan of a LARGE breakfast, lunch, and dinner, plus 2-3 snacks! Ughh. I've been making interesting creatins w/ the Ensure, though, like the milkshake I had last night that actually wasn't half-bad.

I really need to gain 5 more pounds before school, or I seriously am afraid my mom won't let me go. I know she doesn't trust me and thinks I'm going to fall right back into it again, so I need to prove to her that I can do it. It just makes it really hard for me to motivate myself to gain when she comes home from work bragging about the fact that she had cottage cheese and a hard-boiled egg for lunch. GAH.

Alright, enough of this. I am going to seize the day! I am making a collage at the moment of inspirational words and pretty pictures from magazine clippings. And I've decided NOT to include any pictures of super-thin models in the collage, because that's just stupid. REAL women are SO much sexier.

Also seeing Harry Potter this afternoon! And then going out to dinner w/ my friend Sasha and her boyfriend. A little nervous because I've never met him before and social/eating out situations are always stressful, so this just makes it twice as stressful. Wish me luck!

Have a fabulous weekend! I won't be around b/c I'll be moving things into my new apartment!


  1. oh my god thid is my third time writing this so ill keeep it short.
    I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, I really hope she can be more supportive for your sake! You are doing so well hun.
    Have a fabulous weekend and enjoy Harry Potter!

  2. Hey, just stumbled on your blog and wanted to say hi! I think we have a lot in common... seniors in college, recoverers... I would love to get to know you more! Let me know if you ever need anything!

    Glad things are working out with your mom. I think it's super important to have good relationships with our family. They are bound to us and if we nurture those relationships well, they can be the best, most unbiased support available! Have a great weekend!

  3. I'm so sorry about the situation with your mum :( I understand how you feel - I seem to be surrounded by people trying to lose weight and eat as little as possible, and its so damn hard to ignore it and concentrate on my own recovery. I hope things improve for you my love, and good luck with the new meal plan. You know in your heart that you can do it!
    Enjoy harry potter! Take care xoxo

  4. have fun at the movies hun and thank you for the information on the book. it does sound like a great book to help keep your head sane in and insane world. the reason why there is such a huge thing with weight loss is because the health care system is completely failing at paying all the medical bills for overweight people. but coco you are FAR FAR FAR from being one of them. so ignore them as best as you can :)

  5. I definitely plan on reading that book.
    The whole world seems obsessed with weight loss, I too feel like I'm the only one trying to gain weight! That's why the blogging community is so good.
    I really hate the competitions that go on between women, it's so silly and a waste of time!
    xx Katie

  6. I sympathise so so much with everything you talked about in this post. My Mum has some ma-juh issues with food herself (she used to be anorexic though only 'minorly' if that's possible) and she does about 5 hours of exercise a day, and eats teeny tiny portions. She's miniscule too! I can't really offer any wisdom, except that you need to focus 100% on yourself right now and ignore the negativity around you - and you always have all of us to tell you that postivity and vitality is definitely the way to go :-)

  7. Oh I can completely sympathise with you here to, my sister does this all the time and it drives me mad.
    She`ll talk about how she needs to do xx amount of exercise or else she`ll just get fat, and how she wants to tone up and how she should stop eating this and that and it really really gets to me because Im trying to do the opposite to all that!
    Plus I hate it when she gets with my mum and they start talking about shapes and losing a few pounds or cutting out a certain food. When situations like that arise I just change the topic really really quickly to something else, I dont think they realise how triggering it can be.

    Unofrtunately dont really know how to handle your mother, I guess just try your best to 'switch' off when she talks like that or change the topic. Sometimes I find if Im struggling with things like that going on here and onto blogs/cc helps me get back to grips with things and feel better.

    Hope you had a great weekend,

  8. I've been looking for a new read, I'm definitely going to pick that book up. I really wish I could help you out with your mom, but honestly, I think that she is the one that's going to have to change for your relationship to improve. Just keep trying.

    Threadbear Thoughts


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...