Saturday, July 25, 2009

How Can My Mood Change so Quickly???

I need encouragement, my friends. BIG TIME.

I don't even know how to explain it, but I feel absolutely HORRIBLE about myself. It started yesterday. I restricted during the day and at the concert (which was fun except for the hour-long thunderstorm that postponed the concert for awhile and everyone ran for cover) my "dinner" was a very unsatisfying ice cream sundae and half a soft pretzel. Then of course John Mellencamp's violinist had to be this skeletally thin woman who was clearly actively anorexic. And my rational voice said "EW! Aren't you glad you don't look like that anymore?" But then my ED voice kicked in and was comparing myself to her and wishing I could be like that again. And I started getting hungry and LIKING the feeling of hunger. What the heck is wrong with me? I am insane. Who LIKES being hungry?!

Then we got home at midnight and I was REALLY hungry so I basically binged for an hour on milkshakes and cereal and peanut butter and gulped down 2 Ensures, which I don't think is safe. Then felt even more terrible about myself so this morning I took a run (albeit I only went like a mile, but I pushed myself way too hard, especially because I've been feeling sick lately).

Then realized I was hungry after the run so I had a fried egg, toast with butter, a huge bowl of cereal, a Luna bar, and a foamy mocha cappuccino drink that has like a billion calories. And now I feel shitty again.

What is my deal??? (NOTE: I am about to post numbers. Just a warning in case it is triggering.....)

I am not even 110 yet, and my goal is to be 115 by Sept 1 and 120-125 is my final goal (sorry to post numbers, I know I shouldn't but I am because I need to rationalize things for myself).

If I am still over 5 pounds away from my SHORT-TERM goal and 10 pounds from my final goal, why do I feel so FAT? And yucky and gross and worthless?

I know, I know, an anorexic saying she's "fat". Typical. Silly. Illogical. STUPID.

 ED is kicking my butt lately, guys, and I just don't know what to do!

I restrict, then I binge, then I try to exercise to make myself feel better, then I binge again, then I'll probably restrict later. What is my problem???

AAAHHH. Sorry. You guys are probably gonna stop reading my blog because I've become utterly insane. I'm sorry....I just need support right now.    


  1. Awww I wish I could just give you a huge hug right now.
    You restrict then binge then exercise and then binge again, its a vicious cycle.
    You probably binged that night because you had restricted all day, if you dont eat when you finally do start to eat it can be prety hard to stop and you can end up 'binging', Ive done the same before.
    Then because you exercised your body has used up energy and so it needs to replace that energy and so made you hungry again, the right thing to do is eat!
    It is a terrible cycle but restricting will just lead up to a binge eventually, its better to try to keep consistent with your eating.

    I know its really hard to push past those feelings of 'fat' but really you arent and the logical side of you knows that to. I dont know any other way to explain it except its your ED telling you a load of crap, it does it to us all, its seen you trying really hard and its trying to pull you back.
    Your still a good bit off your target, dont let this hinder you, I know the feelings are so uncomfortable and hard to push past but really try your best to ignore them, keep reminding yourself they will go away with time. Say to yourself thats just a little voice in your head, thats all it is, a voice telling you lies.

    *hugs*, hope you feel better soon

  2. Remember, when you looked at that violinist did you think 'my god she is beautiful?' no, you thought 'thank god I'm not her' and believe me girl, you probably weren't the only person thanking god that they didn't look like her.
    take some time to think and relax and get back into your regular cycle, because you don't want to be walking down the street one day and have some other girl thinking 'thank god I'm not her'
    you'll be so beautiful when you reach your goal that girls will be thinking 'I wish I was her'
    if I haven't confused you hehe :)

  3. dont give up hun, days like these are where the ED tries to win control over you again. try to calm yourself with things you know you need to do. like you said you know your goal is xxlbs and you are unhealthy where you are now. talk back to the ED and dont let it control you, you control him/her!!!
    you can do this coco, you're beautiful too

  4. You don't sound silly at all.

    You're an absolutely beautiful girl and I know you won't let this beat you. You're a strong girl, just keep focused on why you need to beat this.

    I wish I could help you so much more.


  5. Hun, Im really sorry to hear your struggling at the moment. I have been like this over the weekend aswell and can really feel your pain. At then end of the day though, would you want to go back to that horrible days with no life and your only happiness is jutting bones? No we don't :D
    Control is such a hard thing to take a hold of eugh. I am so gld I have found this community too and we can get through this together...every one of us! xxx

  6. Awww sweetie we don't think your insane at all! And just because ED has been more dominant lately is nothing to be ashamed of and doesn't mean you are weak. You just need to keep fighting and push through all the yucky feelings you're having and ignore all the bullshit ED is telling you. The numbers speak for themselves hun - you are in no way fat, even if you feel like you are, so try and remind yourself of this.
    I have days like this all the time, where anything can trigger me... for example the anorexic girl at the concert. I find it helpful to think to myself about how miserable that poor girl must be, how much danger her health is is, and how much she is missing out on in life. You deserve SO much more than that Coco! You are too much of a beautiful and fun-loving girl to have your life wasted by an eating disorder. So keep fighting my love. It will be worth it in the end :)
    Please know I'm here for you whenever you need to talk. Sending you lots of love <3

  7. Hey just came across your blog <3

    If you're insane, then I am too :/ I've actually had moments when I relished the hunger. I've had days where I restricted, couldn't take it anymore, and then ate too much at once & felt sick. Then exercised to 'compensate.' It's so hard not only on our bodies but on our minds. Those thoughts are just NOT worth it, but who we are IS worth the struggle. You are so much more.


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