I don't even know how to explain it, but I feel absolutely HORRIBLE about myself. It started yesterday. I restricted during the day and at the concert (which was fun except for the hour-long thunderstorm that postponed the concert for awhile and everyone ran for cover) my "dinner" was a very unsatisfying ice cream sundae and half a soft pretzel. Then of course John Mellencamp's violinist had to be this skeletally thin woman who was clearly actively anorexic. And my rational voice said "EW! Aren't you glad you don't look like that anymore?" But then my ED voice kicked in and was comparing myself to her and wishing I could be like that again. And I started getting hungry and LIKING the feeling of hunger. What the heck is wrong with me? I am insane. Who LIKES being hungry?!
Then we got home at midnight and I was REALLY hungry so I basically binged for an hour on milkshakes and cereal and peanut butter and gulped down 2 Ensures, which I don't think is safe. Then felt even more terrible about myself so this morning I took a run (albeit I only went like a mile, but I pushed myself way too hard, especially because I've been feeling sick lately).
Then realized I was hungry after the run so I had a fried egg, toast with butter, a huge bowl of cereal, a Luna bar, and a foamy mocha cappuccino drink that has like a billion calories. And now I feel shitty again.
What is my deal??? (NOTE: I am about to post numbers. Just a warning in case it is triggering.....)
I am not even 110 yet, and my goal is to be 115 by Sept 1 and 120-125 is my final goal (sorry to post numbers, I know I shouldn't but I am because I need to rationalize things for myself).
If I am still over 5 pounds away from my SHORT-TERM goal and 10 pounds from my final goal, why do I feel so FAT? And yucky and gross and worthless?
I know, I know, an anorexic saying she's "fat". Typical. Silly. Illogical. STUPID.
ED is kicking my butt lately, guys, and I just don't know what to do!
I restrict, then I binge, then I try to exercise to make myself feel better, then I binge again, then I'll probably restrict later. What is my problem???
AAAHHH. Sorry. You guys are probably gonna stop reading my blog because I've become utterly insane. I'm sorry....I just need support right now.