Good morning!
So, yesterday was a pretty major day--family therapy, nutrition, and individual therapy all in a row, plus class in the afternoon, after which I hit MAJOR rush hour traffic! Needless to say, by the time I got home, I was POOPED!
Anyway, the therapy all went well, except I didn't gain any weight. I honestly was flabbergasted! I have been doing my supplements & meals, and was just amazed! Courtney told me that it really takes a lot of intake to repair everything internally, let alone to gain anything. So, even though I was disappointed because it makes my goal of XXX by May 18th seem impossible, it also put things into perspective for me--a couple days of eating a lot isn't going to make a huge difference. So, I guess I'll have to keep chugging along. She said my body should definitely catch up by next week, so I'll cross my fingers!
Tomorrow I start my training for my job with the U.S. Census Bureau! I have to go in from 8 to 4:30 tomorrow to learn how to fingerprint people! Then next week I have training at night from 4-10pm almost every day. I am super excited and a little nervous. It's been awhile since I've have a real job, and even though this is only training, I am still scared. But hey, it's paid training--$15.50/hr! That's pretty damn good!
So, the title of my post is "A New Outlook". Basically, I am realizing that I have a new outlook in terms of recovery and life in general. Yesterday during family therapy, my parents AND the therapist told me they can tell I am looking at things in a new way, and that I am going to get through this. I think I've been realizing lately that you can't have both. You can't have your eating disorder AND achieve your goals. You can't "partially" recover from an ED while still hanging on to your old ways. You just can't. Being the thinnest person in the room does NOT equal being the happiest--I've been there, and I can tell you it was miserable. I'd rather honor my body and be a healthy weight for ME than try to be something I'm not. I was a beautiful, thin, gorgeous girl before ED. My BMI was only 19-20! And I was healthy and happy and active! And I guess I'm realizing now that I can't continue in this cycle of half-recovery, relapse, half-recovery, etc. I need to choose FULL recovery. That means letting go of food rituals. Letting go of fears. Following my meal plan COMPLETELY. Being honest with my treatment team.
I think yesterday something else really hit me--my 22nd birthday is only 2 months away. I am in a relationship with a man I could see myself being with for a long time. Now, I don't want kids anytime soon, but maybe in the next 5 years. And yesterday I thought to myself, "Oh my God! What if I physically CAN'T have kids? What if I won't be able to?!" That scared me so much. I want to be able to bear my own children, and I want to be able to set a good example for them of a healthy, HAPPY relationship with food and exercise.
Anyway, the therapy all went well, except I didn't gain any weight. I honestly was flabbergasted! I have been doing my supplements & meals, and was just amazed! Courtney told me that it really takes a lot of intake to repair everything internally, let alone to gain anything. So, even though I was disappointed because it makes my goal of XXX by May 18th seem impossible, it also put things into perspective for me--a couple days of eating a lot isn't going to make a huge difference. So, I guess I'll have to keep chugging along. She said my body should definitely catch up by next week, so I'll cross my fingers!
Tomorrow I start my training for my job with the U.S. Census Bureau! I have to go in from 8 to 4:30 tomorrow to learn how to fingerprint people! Then next week I have training at night from 4-10pm almost every day. I am super excited and a little nervous. It's been awhile since I've have a real job, and even though this is only training, I am still scared. But hey, it's paid training--$15.50/hr! That's pretty damn good!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
So, the title of my post is "A New Outlook". Basically, I am realizing that I have a new outlook in terms of recovery and life in general. Yesterday during family therapy, my parents AND the therapist told me they can tell I am looking at things in a new way, and that I am going to get through this. I think I've been realizing lately that you can't have both. You can't have your eating disorder AND achieve your goals. You can't "partially" recover from an ED while still hanging on to your old ways. You just can't. Being the thinnest person in the room does NOT equal being the happiest--I've been there, and I can tell you it was miserable. I'd rather honor my body and be a healthy weight for ME than try to be something I'm not. I was a beautiful, thin, gorgeous girl before ED. My BMI was only 19-20! And I was healthy and happy and active! And I guess I'm realizing now that I can't continue in this cycle of half-recovery, relapse, half-recovery, etc. I need to choose FULL recovery. That means letting go of food rituals. Letting go of fears. Following my meal plan COMPLETELY. Being honest with my treatment team.
I think yesterday something else really hit me--my 22nd birthday is only 2 months away. I am in a relationship with a man I could see myself being with for a long time. Now, I don't want kids anytime soon, but maybe in the next 5 years. And yesterday I thought to myself, "Oh my God! What if I physically CAN'T have kids? What if I won't be able to?!" That scared me so much. I want to be able to bear my own children, and I want to be able to set a good example for them of a healthy, HAPPY relationship with food and exercise.
So, I hope this time will be different. No, you know what? I know it will.
Sometimes it takes a real big shock to wake us up and realize that this place we're in, this "underworld", isn't a place worth living in.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so happy that you've found a reason to leave this place behind - your outlook on recovery, on life, is beautiful and I know you can make it.
The most important thing of all is that YOU know you can, and you DO know.
Eleanor
x
You can't have your eating disorder AND achieve your goals.
ReplyDeletethis is so true. not happy to see you not gaining, but glad your going to keep trucking along :)
the fear of not being able to have kids... this is MY BIGGEST DRIVING FORCE IN weight gain because i dont have period now, and it scare me TO DEATH to know i could possibly be infertile... like nothing worse could happen than for me to find this out... i pray every night for the return of my period.
Full recovery is the only option. i want life, i want a family, i have to screw the ED FULLY- not half assed- and do it!
This outlook is what I mean, hold on to it! Live it and enjoy that new lifestyle. It's so worth it...you're so worth it!
ReplyDeletexxx Julia (Taste of Living)