Quickie

Hi all!

This is just a quickie post to say:

2 weeks until Christmas! YAY!!!!

I'll update more later, but for now I'm going out to dinner (Bonefish Grill, anyone?) and then to see the movie The Blindside (which is based on the life of a Baltimore RAVENS football player, btw--represent!) with the 'rents.



Speaking of CHRISTMAS,

what is your FAVORITE christmas song?

Mine is either "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" or "Christmas Canon" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra....or anything on the Nat King Cole Christmas CD!

Challenges

Hello, friends!

A lot has changed since my last post. I don't want to go into details about everything, but I have stopped attending IOP and have decided to increase my number of visits with my individual therapist. My parents and I will also start family therapy this week.

I went out to lunch on Friday with the 'rents and challenged myself by ordering the "Ultimate Breast" (I swear, that's what it was called!)--a humongous grilled chicken breast w/ cheese, mushrooms, and fried onions on a greasy bun, complete with a towering pile of french fries doused in ketchup! I felt a bit nervous, but it ended up being just fine.

However, the rest of my weekend was rather "weak" food-wise. I slacked on the meal plan and didn't keep up with my supplements. I weighed myself this morning and realized that I need to get back on track--PRONTO! In only a few days, I have lost about 3 pounds! I knew I was slacking, but I had NO idea how fast my body loses! It's very frustrating. I guess my body got used to functioning on so few calories for so many months that now it takes a ridiculous amount of fuel to maintain, let alone GAIN! According to this morning's weight, I still have about 10 pounds to go before I reach the goal agreed upon by my therapist, medical doc, parents, and I. In fact, if I want to go back to school next semester--which is only 6 weeks away!--I have to gain about 10 pounds. That's just over 1.5 pounds per week.

I think the problem has been living with my mother, to be honest. She is constantly trying to LOSE weight, so it's very difficult for me to keep up with my meals when she restricts her intake so much and eats diet foods. However, I need to keep my own needs in mind and realize that I am not her and she is not me. My body was screaming at me this morning for fuel, and instead of ignoring it like I used to, I fed myself exactly what I was in the mood for--a steaming and delicious bowl of oats--2 packets of instant oats made w/ milk, 1/2 a chopped banana, and blueberries on top. It was delish with my cuppa joe. I also just finished supplement drink #1 for the day. I really need to focus on my goal--graduating college, being with my friends, living my life again!--instead of comparing myself to others.

Does anyone else struggle with triggering family members? Any tips on how to deal?

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On a more positive note, I am really getting in the Christmas spirit! It snowed 6+ inches here on Saturday, and it was truly lovely. (Pictures to come very soon, I promise!) I was a bit disappointed at first because I had planned on driving to SU to visit my college ladies, but instead I stayed home and decorated the house and tree with my parents. It was truly lovely. We stayed in our pajamas all day, listened to holiday tunes, and then snuggled up to watch "It's a Wonderful Life", one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time!

What are your holiday traditions?

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Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.
~ Chinese Proverb

RIP Hailey!

My 11-year-old black lab, Hailey, passed away last night around 7pm.

I am very sad, as Hailey was a big part of my life for 11 and a half years. She was born to a family friend's dog on my 10th birthday, and I got first pick out of the whole litter. I chose Hailey because she was all black except for a strip of white down her chest that looks like a comet--we named her Hailey after Hailey's comet!

I know it seems weird to some people to grieve the loss of an animal, but she was just as much a part of the family as the rest of us. Today, I came downstairs expecting her to greet me, and it was quite a disappointing shock to realize that she isn't here, and never will be again.

I know that she is in doggy heaven, though, and her suffering is over. We chose to put her to sleep after she had been battling a cancerous tumor and was not able to keep down any food or water. She lost a lot of weight and was barely able to make it outside to go to the bathroom. So, although I am upset, I am also relieved in a way because I know we made the right decision and her suffering is ended.

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In other news, things are going pretty well. I am well into the "normal" BMI range, and still have a few more pounds to go before reaching my goal. In fact, my pre-ED clothes are really starting to fit me again! For those of you who are fearful of gaining "too much" or are afraid of feeling "fat" at your body's healthy weight, please keep gaining! I get frustrated when I read blogs where people seem to want to "recover" while staying at a BMI below 18.5--sometimes even below 17! I am currently ABOVE a BMI of 18.5 and am aiming for a BMI of 20! I know everyone's body shape is different, but even as a woman with a "small" frame according to my doctor, a BMI of 19 or 20 is best. And you know what? It's been freaking me out a LOT less than I thought it would. I have been sticking to my meal plan, supplements and all, and have been feeling a lot BETTER about myself!

YOU CANNOT RECOVER FROM AN EATING DISORDER WITHOUT PROPER NUTRITION AND A HEALTHY BODY WEIGHT.

I'm sorry, but you just can't! I am excited to get back into all my "healthy" clothes, to go back to school in January (that's still the plan!), and to achieve all of my hopes and dreams.

Am I still struggling? OF COURSE. Every single day. Every single meal, even. But has it gotten better? YES. This past weekend I ate at Arby's AND Olive Garden. And guess what? It was freakin' delish! You don't need to be the "perfect" eater. No diet or lifestyle is perfect. You don't have to work out every day. (In fact, my treatment team advises ALL patients NOT to exercise AT ALL until they have been symptom-free for AT LEAST 6 MONTHS). I eat healthy 80-90% of the time, but I eat dessert every single day as part of my meal plan, and sometimes those desserts are store-bought, "processed" cookies or cake or ice cream. And you know what? That's ok! I eat plenty of whole grains, fruits, veggies, and lean meat, so what's a cookie here and there? That's what normalcy is. I don't mean to put anyone down for being "healthy", but when your obsession with eating completely clean actually starts to interfere with your life to the point where you'll refuse to go out to restaurants with friends because they don't serve all-organic, all-natural, foods, maybe you should take a step back and look at the grand scheme of things. Yes, I completely support organic foods and local produce, etc. But am I going to turn down my friend's birthday cake because it was made from a box? Hell no! I can have a moderate slice and go on with my day!

I really think I am starting to experience true freedom, my friends, and it feels fantastic! Take baby steps like I did, and I promise you will start to feel the same.

A Day to Give Thanks...

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

This year I am thankful for:

1. my family. without their love, patience, & support, I would not be where I am today.

2. friends (this includes bloggers!). providing comfort, hope, & laughter, my friends keep me sane.

3. my home. i am incredibly lucky to have a roof over my head, nice clothes & belongings, and food. 

there are so many people who don't have these simple luxuries, and i am so very grateful for 

what i do have.

4. treatment. without my therapists, doctors, & members of group therapy, i would be in a much 

darker, more dangerous place. i am so thankful that i sought help when i did.

5. my pets. hailey, my 11-year-old black lab, is very sick and may have to be put to sleep soon. i am

sad but i am grateful that she has had a great life and provided comfort & friendship to me. i'm

also grateful for my kitty, boomer, who never ceases to amuse (and sometimes annoy!) me, and

claude monet, my "recovery" fish that i bought this past june.

6. my health and life. this past year has been a roller coaster of a ride, and i cringe at some of the

memories of my darkest ED moments. however, i am fully on the path to recovery, and am doing

SO much better right now. i still struggle daily, but i am getting stronger and healthier, & i am

incredibly lucky to be alive. i am finally finding joy in life again, & am fighting my ED so that i can

live the fullest, most complete life imaginable.

There are so many other things I could list, but I'm going to cut this post short now. I am watching the

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with my family, having a quiet dinner with my parents, and then

heading to my best friend's house for dessert (which I will actually partake in!!!). What are you all doing

this year???

Progress

Well, I have made quite a bit of progress this week, which is kinda scary.

My weight is up over 3 whole pounds this week. ED is FREAKING OUT, making me feel huge and blubbery and sometimes I think I'll never stop gaining!

However, I was also up to 3 Ensures a day, which is like 1,000 extra calories a day, so DUH, of course I've gained. It was just weird because yesterday my jeans were really tight. My mom is excited though and wants to take me shopping so I can get new clothes that actually fit me. So, I'm just going to try to learn to love this new womanly body of mine and take my mom up on her shopping offer!

Anyway, I am still about 7-10 pounds from my final goal. But I am sure it will happen soon.

IOP's going well. 2 of my favorites got discharged yesterday (SO sad), BUT we also got 4 new members this week, and I'm really excited to get to know them all. One woman was IP with me, so it was nice to see a familiar face this week.

Things with my family are going much better. We are leaving Tuesday at 5:30 to fly out to Meridian, Mississippi, where my older brother Ryan is getting winged! He is a marine corps 1st lieutenant, and we are all incredibly proud of him. I'm kind of nervous for our trip because it means that every single meal will be spent out, even breakfast, and there is also a fancy ball with a dinner and stuff. However, with my weight gain, some of my gorgeous gowns from high school proms and stuff fit again! So at least I'll have something to wear. I'm nervous about social eating and my meal plan and all, but I think it will all work out. I am trying to stay positive.

I already have to start figuring out my schedule for returning to college next semester. I'm hoping to be able to graduate with a major in psychology and a minor in creative writing, and it might even be possible to have a major in both, which would be AWESOME!

Well, I'm going to go relax and watch TV before IOP (relaxing is something I've gotten very good at recently. You all should try it!). I am hoping to post before my trip to the bro's house, but if not, I'll be sure to post afterwards with lots of fun pictures!

I've been following your blogs and I am impressed with all of you. Keep up the positivity and good work!

P.S. Have a ghoulishly HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! I don't have any plans, besides giving the kiddies candy. I love the adorable kids and their fun costumes. I also plan on pumpkin carving with my poppa!

Can I Do This?

It's turned out to be a lovely week here in northern Maryland. Yesterday was 77 degrees and sunny, and today is looking to be about the same.

IOP has been going pretty well, but last weekend I admit I had a few slip-ups. I went out to dinner both Friday and Saturday (AND saw "Where the Wild Things Are" and "Fame"--both were pretty good!) with friends. I saw Sasha on Friday, who I hadn't seen since the summer, and my BFF Brooke on Saturday, who I also hadn't seen in awhile.

I ended up being very anxious and nervous and not following my meal plan and supplements very strictly. So yesterday I got weighed and, although I didn't lose weight, I didn't gain. I just maintained. I am glad that I didn't lose, and proud of myself for maintaining a weight higher than I was all summer, but my treatment team is still not pleased. I am probably the most underweight person in my IOP program, and one of the only ones who was allowed to do IOP without PHP first (partial hospitalization program, which is from 7am-7pm every day). My doc said if I don't make adequate progress by next Wed, I may be referred to a higher level of care. My parents aren't too opposed to the idea. Now, I am 21 and therefore no one can FORCE me to go IP or PHP, but they sure can influence me.

So, now I am up to 3 Ensure Pluses a day plus my 3 meals (on the highest meal plan, mind you!) and nighttime snack. In fact, I'm drinking a Vanilla Ensure as we speak. I am going to try really really hard to overcome this.

Since I've been blocking my symptoms for awhile, things seem harder in a way, both physically and emotionally. My ED was a way for me to cope with the world and avoid the stresses of life, and now that I don't have it, life seems somehow utterly lonely. I know it's messed up, because obviously starving oneself isn't healthy by any means, but anorexia became a crutch, it became the one thing I could count on and manipulate and control. In IOP they tell us that giving up your ED really is a grieving process, and I totally agree. Those of you who have never had an ED probably think this is very sick and twisted, but it's true. I confessed to my parents last night that for a long time, I was severely depressed and anorexia became a way to punish myself and numb myself. Even after I realized that XX lbs is NOT a healthy weight, it took a long time for me to try to gain weight again because I truly feel that for a long time, I didn't really care if I lived or died.

Now I realize how awfully selfish that was. I have had a really good life, and I have friends and family who love me intensely. I think depression and EDs are partially an internal and biological thing, but there are also social and situational factors that arise. In talking last night, my mother and I realized that perhaps some of her own body image issues, depression, and anxiety were transferred to me, both biologically and through modeling her behaviors. However, I would never "blame" either of my parents for what I have gone through. Nor do I blame myself. 

I am trying to look at this as simply one chapter in my life, a chapter that is indeed difficult and heartbreaking. I'm not sure why God chose me to endure this. However, as with any book, all I can do is simply turn the page and rewrite the next chapter of my life. This disorder has taken too much time and energy and health from me already, and I must persevere. This can be a building block for a strong and healthy and happy life to come.

Do I still have ED thoughts? YES, of course, sometimes even stronger than when I was in the deep end. Like I said, blocking symptoms makes the urges seem even louder and more intense. However, am I making progress? YES. Yes, I truly am. I am going in less than 2 weeks to Mississippi with my parents to visit my older brother for a week and to attend his winging ceremony (he is becoming a jet pilot in the Marines). Am I nervous to go to events and eat practically every meal out, including fast food? HELL yes. Will I let it knock me down? NO. I refuse. Even though I am depressed and feel isolated and sad at times, I need to remind myself that there is so much to live for. 

God wouldn't have created this body and this soul of mine if he didn't want me to LIVE in it. 

So living is what I must do.

goodbye ed, hello me

Hola, Chicas!

The title of my post is inspired by Jenni Schaefer's new book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life! You all probably know her as the author of the infamous ED recovery book Life Without Ed! Well, I just got her newest book and it is even better! She proves that there is a BIG difference between being "in recovery" and being "recovered", and through hard work and determination, she shows us that we too can get there!

I am super excited because Ms. Schaefer is going to be speaking @ my treatment center on October 25th! So, I have been flying through the book so I can have it read before her presentation (and because I want her to sign it!).

So, how have things been going?

Pretty well, I suppose. Went to visit my friends @ college this past Sat night. It was the first time I had seen them since I mysteriously left school a month ago and went into the hospital. It was a little awkward at first, but we went out to eat (and I followed my meal plan, including a delicious chocolate bourbon pecan cake for dessert!) and loosened up and everything went alright. However, I don't drink alcohol much anymore, mostly because of my meds but also because the IOP I'm in forbids it--alcoholism is closely linked with EDs, AND it runs rampant in my family, so it's better to be healthy and safe about it. So that was the only awkward thing about the weekend. I used to party and drink a lot my first 2 years of college, and my friends were disappointed that I didn't drink with them. However, I am realizing the joy of moderation. Yes of course I'll enjoy a drink or two every once in awhile. But seeing drunken college kids make fools of themselves made me realize that I am so over that scene. I am 21 years old, and yes I want to have fun, but getting so wasted you lose your keys and your pants and don't know where you are is a lot different than being an ADULT and going for a nice drink or two with friends and watching a movie. I guess I've just calmed down a lot.

In terms of IOP, things are going really really well. My meal plan got bumped up and a supplement added (Ensure! woot woot haha), and mentally it sure hasn't been a cake walk (no pun intended, I swear!). Last Wed my weight had gone up 1 pound from the week before, and yesterday my weight had gone up 1.5 pounds in only 5 days. It freaked me out a little, and I am more than I weighed all summer, so it's definitely been an adjustment. My clothes are fitting tighter and my butt and hips are rounding out a little, but I'm dealing. In fact, my hair and skin and eyes look better, and even though I still have body image distortions, I am working very hard to keep up with my meal plan and supplements and to be proud of my strong new body. I am about 10 pounds or so from my goal, which is awesome! A few weeks ago I was losing, and now I am gaining. And it's not just weight. I am gaining a new, calmer perspective on life. Our nutritionists and therapists teach us about moderation in all things, and I think that is a wonderful way to live life. I am not exercising at the moment (mom said 5 more pounds and we'll see about signing up for yoga!), but when I eventually get to my goal weight, I want to be able to exercise and eat moderately and healthily. You don't need to run 5 miles a day to be healthy. In fact, doing 20-30 minutes of walking or light yoga is perfectly acceptable!

I won't lie and say it's easy. I know that Recovery Road has lots of bumps and detours, but I also know that I have the strength within me to at least keep the road in sight, even when I'm not fully on it. But as for today--the sun is shining, I'm wearing a cute new shirt, and I am walking the difficult path of recovery with complete faith that it will be fully worth it!!!

Truckin' along...

Hey there, blogettes!

I hope everyone is having a fabulous week! I have had my ups and downs, but all in all I am doing SO MUCH BETTER. I am following my meal plan, slowly gaining, and attending my intensive outpatient program, which is really helping me to block ED symptoms and challenge ED thoughts.

The thoughts are definitely the hardest part. Our counselors in IOP tell us that it sometimes becomes even WORSE when we block symptoms because the thoughts come on even stronger. The thoughts are the last thing to go. However, I have been really pushing through it by challenging myself food-wise. Before my ED, which really only began a little over a year ago (I am a freak in the anorexic world, it seems--the entire span of my eating disorder was very short, but yet very intense. I lost about 40 pounds in less than a year, mostly in a few short months, which is very odd and I am trying through therapy to figure out what spurred this short-lived and extreme behavior from occurring.), I used to NEVER weigh myself, NEVER care about what I ate, and I felt awesome! In high school, I was the girl who amazed my friends by eating tons of greasy hot wings and nachos and DQ Blizzards and Velveeta shells and cheese without gaining an ounce of fat. 

In college, I was less active and put on a few more pounds from alcohol and greasy dining hall food, but I was still slim and healthy and beautiful. Now, my ED makes me feel guilty after eating a reasonable meal. I challenged myself last night at IOP by getting a Reese's peanut butter ice cream bar which was XXX calories (let's just say it had more calories in it than I used to eat in breakfast and lunch combined back when my anorexia was strong), and although it tasted good, I immediately felt awful afterwards. The big mistake was looking at the calories. The meal plan my program uses is about choosing the right amount of items and serving sizes and following the food guide pyramid, NOT counting calories. I should've crumpled up the wrapper before looking at the calories, but alas, I am not perfect, and although I ate it, it wasn't easy.

However, I am proud of myself. A lot of the people in IOP are still caught up in their ways, and I can see them silently calculating the calories in their meals, chopping their chicken into miniscule pieces, and fighting the urge to purge when we walk past the bathroom on the way back to our meeting room. I feel for these people, mostly because I understand how they feel. However, I think that even though I felt awful about myself after eating my ice cream bar, the only way for me to get rid of the thoughts is to challenge them by changing my behaviors. I used to order a cheeseburger with fries and a chocolate milkshake without even thinking twice. I'm sick of choosing foods based on calories and not taste. Life is way too short to spend all my time worrying about how many calories I am eating and burning. Food is nourishment, and it's meant to be enjoyed, not abused.

So, although it hasn't been easy, and the road ahead is long, I am making huge strides. Even though the thoughts are often strong, I am now able to recognize them as completely irrational and I have been following the meal plan 100%. Tonight my dad is coming to family night, where he will eat dinner and attend group with me. I am nervous, but excited that both my parents are really active in my recovery.

Sorry this post was so long! I don't come on here as much anymore because I realize that a lot of the blogs I've been following are hindering my recovery. I'm sick of reading about organic this and all-natural that and blah blah blah. Yes, I love me a good organic apple and some whole grain bread with natural PB over the processed stuff any day, but all things are ok in moderation. There's nothing wrong with a piece of store-bought chocolate cake, or a donut from dunkin donuts, or a burger from McDonald's every once in awhile. I am learning that I don't need to worry so much about every morsel of food being perfect, as long as I am generally eating healthy. There's nothing wrong with settling for white bread at a friend's house if that's all they have. I eat healthy whole wheat bread almost every day, so having something less natural every once in awhile isn't going to kill me. In fact, I ate white bread every single day in high school, with turkey and mayo, and I was perfectly healthy and normal!

So, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, but I'm just starting to realize that recovering from an ED means truly being comfortable with ALL foods again--in moderation, of course. Yes, I'll admit, I still struggle with things like pizza or cheesy pasta. But the only way to move past it is to FACE it. 

Keep on trucking along, people, and I will as well.

Happy Wednesday, and happy recovery to you all.

It's going to be just fine

HELLO!!!!!

Well, I think it's going to be alright. I started IOP yesterday, and so far it seems like it's going to be just what I need. I need the support and the dinnertime meal and the groups, but I don't need to be in the hospital 24/7. Had to get bloodwork today and am going again Friday, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that I stay healthy and on track.

The IOP (though I've only done one day) is good. There are about 12 people and we do groups together and eat dinner in the cafeteria together. It's overwhelming because we get to decide what we eat, but the dieticians are there to make sure we have enough servings and items and stuff. Plus we have to have dessert and at least 2 hot meals per week (aka you can't get away with a sandwich and salad every night!). I really challenged myself right away last night by getting a hot meal and getting a hefty slice of apple spice cake with tons of sugary icing for dessert. I've realized from my blogging hiatus that it's ok to eat like a normal person and not like a health freak!!! Everything doesn't have to be organic or all-natural or meatless or gluten-free. Our dieticians teach us ALL THINGS IN MODERATION. I have been following the meal plan to a tee and have never felt better! I can have carrots and hummus with my lunch but also have a bakery cookie! 

Balance is health. Balance is happiness. There are no good or bad foods!!! 

The con to this week? It sounds awful and mean, but my grandparents are "visiting", aka my parents don't trust my ED and my 80+ year old grandparents are here "babysitting" my 21-year-old perfectly comepetent ass. Oh well, I've just been going about my business. My grandma doesn't understand anorexia AT ALL. She doesn't seem to realize that offering me homemade fudge and cookies and lasagna and casseroles isn't really my idea of fun. My parents and I explained the meal plan and all to her, but she just doesn't understand. She makes comments about food all the time and about how I should eat more. It's really difficult. And especially with my history of bingeing!!! 

They are only here for 2 more days, so I'll manage.

Anyway, tomorrow night is family night where our family can eat with us and attend a group afterwards. We'll see how it goes. I am going to just take my mom, I think. And then my dad next week. Grandparents = nope. I love them to death, but trying to explain my struggles with them is futile.

Well, I'm off to IOP! 

Have a wonderful day, and stay safe.

I'm Back!

I'll post in more detail later on, but this is just a quick note to say I'M HOME!

It was a rough week. I was inpatient for 6 days and came home last night. I am starting IOP on Monday. It's a program Mon-Thurs and it's from 3:30-7:30 every day. You attend groups and eat dinner there. I am hoping it will be a really positive thing.

The hospital was NOT what I expected, both good and bad. I did manage to get myself back on track though, for real this time. No half-assing my recovery any longer. I didn't even realize how bad things were until my blood glucose level fell dangerously low and my heart rate slowed in the hospital. Now, however, I'm happy to report I am doing really well, all my labs have been normal, and my weight went WAY up even in just a week!

So, I am on my way. I will try to read your blogs and catch up on what you all have been up to! Thanks for your supportive comments on my last post.

I know this journey is going to be long and bumpy, but being in IP made me realize just how important it is for me to get better RIGHT NOW. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I refuse to waste it any longer.

Much love to you all, and I'll post more later!

Goodbye for now...

Well, ladies, this is it. 

I made my choice. Tomorrow at 8:30 am, I am going inpatient for 14 days, then doing IOP after that. I am withdrawing from school for the semester and will see how things go.

I almost can't believe this. It's been a whirlwind. Just yesterday I was giving a class presentation. But last night was rough, and then today I met with my treatment team and just broke down like I never have before, and I realized that this is what needs to be done. School can wait; my health cannot. It's really that simple.

Am I scared? YES. Disappointed? A little. Nervous? YES. Worried? YES. 

But am I sure this is what I need? YES, YES, and YES.

It is SO hard to admit sometimes, and part of me feels like a failure and feels weak. But that's the ED part. The real Coco knows that I am being strong by taking the real, serious steps I need towards recovery.

So, I won't be on the computer for a couple weeks, maybe even longer. I'll miss reading your posts. But I'll be back, and when I am, I am hoping I'll have gained more than just weight.

Life doesn't start tomorrow.

So, I have to admit, my second week of school was a struggle. This post may upset people, and for that I am sorry. I don't want to bring people down, and I also don't want to take away from other peoples' struggles by acting like my life is oh-so-terrible, because I know it could be much worse. 

But I am finding myself extremely triggered by the school environment. Ever since high school, I have thrived on being busy and active and doing lots of things and working hard in school and extra-curricular activities. This can totally be a healthy thing, and back in high school, it was! I was a dancer, actress, singer, straight-A student, student body Vice President, Prom Queen runner-up (damn! almost had it!), and was genuinely a happy person with lots of friends. BUT, the difference is that back then, I didn't have an eating disorder. Back then, my mind was filled with a hunger to learn, and I would read and write and watch movies and sing and go to dance rehearsals and play rehearsals and I loved and LIVED every second of every day. BUT, back then, I didn't have an ED. Back then, I had no qualms about stopping at Dairy Queen after ballet class and grabbing a blizzard with chocolate ice cream and Reese's Pieces (my ultimate fave). Back then, after opening night of every show, my fellow castmates and I would head to Friendly's for some buffalo wings and nachos. Back then, I enjoyed my womanhood and my body and I fed it (albeit, sometimes with junk food, but such is life) and nourished it and rested it when it needed to be rested.

And now, I feel like I am my own worst enemy. School has been ok academics-wise this week--I already turned in a paper and have a few projects coming up that I've been working on. And I've been staying on top of my reading. My job at the coffee shop has gone well, and I enjoy the laid-back environment and chatting with coworkers or reading on slow days. My friends and I have been getting along, and my roommates and I are doing well. I talk to my parents almost every day, and I am in fact home again this weekend (yet another appointment) and have spent time with my mom and dad.

However, my mind is doing worse. This past week, the ED thoughts were stronger than they have been in months. I have been restricting and then binging, binging and then exercising, exercising and then restricting, and everything in between. I compare myself to my roommates, friends, and basically every single girl I walk past on campus.

I weigh myself incessantly, and even though I am upset by the low number, my disorder says "See, you have control. You have power."

I saw Anne today and, for the second time EVER in my sessions with her, I cried. Bawled, actually. (The first time was when my mom came in with me in June.)

I am realizing that enough is enough. Although my weight went up about a pound, I feel like my mentality is getting worse. And I know what I need to do to fight it but sometimes I feel too weak and I give in. Anne thinks maybe I should take the semester off and go inpatient, something I've never done before. Something I wish I had done this summer. I had myself and everyone around me fooled. I thought I was doing so much better.

As of now, the plan is that I am coming home to see Anne during the week since my class is cancelled on Thursday, and coming home again next weekend. But she really wants me to evaluate my needs and priorities. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't do it anymore, physically or mentally. I am exhausted beyond belief. 

So, I am going to give it one last shot. I am going to go back to school and work tomorrow and I am going to plan out my meals and snacks because I know that's what I need at this point. I am going to have to start being honest with myself and with my family and friends. I need to focus on recovery 100%, and if that means graduating a semester late, so be it. Anne told me to give it 2 more weeks, and that if I am not feeling significantly better mentally, then I need to reevaluate and possibly come home for more intensive care.

It's hard to admit to myself that I am struggling. But you know what? I only get this one life and this one body, and if I am ever going to enjoy it and truly live it, then I need to start nourishing and LOVING myself again. And if school isn't helping me do that, then it's not worth it. 

I can always go back to school next semester, or next year. But I can't delay my life and my health any longer.

So, wish me luck, ladies! I really don't want to have to pull out when I'm a few credits short of graduating. So, I am going to try really hard to turn things around. However, I'm going to be completely honest with myself, and if I truly in my heart am still feeling overwhelmed by my disorder, I am going to withdraw for the semester and do what needs to be done.

I'm sure you guys didn't read that whole thing, but if you did, thank you. Also, I'm sorry. I feel like my posts used to be so positive, and lately they've been a drag to even read. 

What a LONG WEEK!

Well, week one of senior year of college = completed!

And I may not be doing amazingly, but I'm alive!

Basically, there have been a LOT of ups and downs this week. Moving in went well, and our house looks even MORE amazing than before because we got new furniture. The roomies and I have been getting along SO well, and I've reconnected with old friends. I have gone to the bar 4 times in the past week which is pretty good for being social, I'd have to say! And ordered drinks! Usually I think of alcohol as too many empty calories and blah blah, but you know what? A drink or 2 won't hurt! I'm 21, it's my last year of college, I'm supposed to live it up!


Classes have been pretty good, for once. I am doing an independent writing study and a research project for psychology, and I also have a portfolio class that prepares me for applying to jobs and grad schools. Then I have an Indian Lit & Film class taught by an adorable little woman named Rachana Sachdev. So it's pretty engaging and fun academics-wise (yes, I'm a nerd and not ashamed!). Yes, it will be hard work and it will be stressful, but I'm ENJOYING the work, so it's worth it.


Here's the cons:


ED has been creepin' on in more than I'd prefer. I also started a new anti-anxiety med which was supposed to help me sleep, but has had the exact opposite effect. I wake up at least once every night and can't get back to sleep for a long time. It's awful! So, lack of sleep usually means Coco isn't thinking straight, is more emotional, and is more likely to give into ED.


I have been making all of my own meals and don't have a meal plan, and it's tough. It's also tough because my 3 roommates are all either trying to lose weight or naturally don't eat much (one roomie will have a couple wheat thins and call it dinner), so ED has been making me feel SO guilty for eating. Which has resulted in an alarming weight loss. I won't post numbers, but I am at home right now because I had an appointment with my therapist, and she weighed me and it's lower than it has been for months.


This scares me. If I don't gain 2 pounds by next Saturday (a WEEK!), Anne told me I may need to re-evaluate school. It's so frustrating though because I actually feel happy there. I have been bonding with my friends and enjoying my studies. It's so HARD. And I keep forgetting to add extra food to make up for the fact that I walk to campus and then walk from class to class, and have a job where I'm standing for hours.


GAH!


But you know what, I'm glad I got this "wake-up call" and that Anne was really frank about how concerned she is. I can't keep restricting. I can't keep exercising. I can't keep doing this to myself or I will never recover, physically OR mentally. So, I had ice cream today and bostom cream pie and I am drinking an Ensure and having a Luna bar right now. I know I can't undo the damage overnight, but starting right now, I am going to really put my heart and soul into recovery. Even if it means focusing less on school and my social life. I have a 3.7 GPA or something insane like that (ED perfectionism, anyone?!), so it doesn't even matter if I get all C's this semester--I'd probably still have a 3.5 at graduation!


Here are some goals for this week:


*bring snacks with me ANY TIME I LEAVE THE HOUSE. Yes, I may have to get up earlier to make a PB&J and pack some trail mix, but this is what needs to be done.
*eat with my roommates without comparing myself to them. They are already at healthy weights (or a bit above), so obviously they're not going to want to eat a weight-gainer diet. I am actively recovering and gaining, so I need to do what's best for me without worrying about them.
*limit exercise to NO CARDIO whatsoever, only light yoga and walking to and from class. That's IT.
*the next time ED wants me to choose the "lower-calorie" or "healthier" option between 2 food choices, I am going to laugh in his face and choose what I WANT, regardless of calories or "health". I'm sick of all these bloggers with their organic this and tofu that...don't get me wrong, I love me some good organic fruits and tofu stir-fry, but I want to be able to be a NORMAL person at a birthday party by taking a damn slice of store-bought, "unhealthy", "processed" cake! Eating that stuff isn't gonna kill me and is delicious every once in awhile, so why not. I eat such a healthy diet most of the time that a few Oreos or Cheese balls here and there aren't going to do anything.


Sorry to rant.


Ok, well, talk to you guys soon. Sorry my posting is sporadic. I still read all your blogs daily though!

Today is the Day...

Today I pack up my car and head back to Susquehanna University for GOOD. For my SENIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE.

Where has the time gone?

I am scared, nervous, anxious, excited, happy, sad, all at once. I know I am in a much better place now mentally, but I still need to keep my guard up and make sure I do what's best for my health and continue to put recovery first. I used to use school and studying as an excuse to not eat, etc. (sooo lame, I know), but not this time!

And, someone very wise told me to not only nourish my body, but my mind and soul as well. When I look back on my senior year of college, I don't want it to be how focused on calories and exercise I was, or how many extra credit projects I completed. I want to look back and think about the times I spent with the people who mean the most to me. I want to look back and be proud that I followed my heart and my passions, and that I found a purpose other than being the "thin one". I don't need to be the skinniest girl in the room. I just need to be ME. And that's what I plan on doing this semester.

Wish me luck, ladies! I'm sure I'll be blogging often anyway, as my schedule is pretty kickass (as in, my FIRST class on some days isn't until 3pm! muahaha being a senior kicks butt!).

I've been having a hard time with weight gain recently, but I know I can't slip again. I don't WANT to, first of all, and second, I am coming home every Saturday to meet w/ my counselor, who will weigh me. I want to gain the weight back and kick ED's bootay so I can go on living my life and conquering my dreams!!!

It's Been Awhile!

Hello, blogging world!

Sorry I've been so MIA recently.

LOTS has been going on.

Basically, I had a really rough time being alone in my apartment with no one to eat with. It was difficult to decide what meals to make and when and how much, etc etc. HOWEVER I had a weigh-in this past Wednesday and I maintained! Yes, the goal is to gain, BUT I am SO glad I didn't lose because that would have been awful! I had a really great therapy sesh on Wednesday and also a great meeting w/ my nutritionist. She spent a long time with me, and we planned some meals out so that if I have a day where I don't know what I want to make, I can go to the paper and pick one of my exact plans.

I have a week left until I move back into my apartment (with the 3 roomies this time) and the semester starts. I admit that I'm nervous and a bit worried about myself. Although I've been pushing through it by eating my meals and snacks, the ED voice has been very LOUD lately. Plus, it doesn't help that my parents seem to be fine with a yogurt for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and a rather meager dinner! I feel like a huge fat pig for eating more than my 180-pound father! However, I need to keep in mind that this is what my body NEEDS to repair itself, and that I won't have to eat like this forever.

Journaling has been helping me, as well as something I never thought I would agree to, or have a positive experience with--GROUP THERAPY. Anne (my counselor) suggested I attend, so I went to a 90-minute eating disorders group Wednesday night, and it was honestly so amazing. Awkward at first, but REALLY helpful. People with all kinds of EDs meet every week and talk about their struggles and what has worked for them. A few of the people in the group are fully recovered and were there to share their insight, which gave me a LOT of hope and encouragement.

I'm scared that when I go back to school, I will fall back into my old ways because of stress from classes and work (I work at a coffee shop!). I know my roomies know what's going on, but they also aren't going to be around all the time to hold me accountable. I need to force myself to do what I need to do to be healthy.

Anyway, I'll do a longer, more interesting post later on, but for now, just know that I'm still religiously reading all of your blogs and they are inspiring as always!

P.S. The movie "Julie & Julia" was amazing! I bought the book and can't wait to read it! *NOTE: This movie WILL make you HUNGRYYYY* hahaha

P.P.S. I am making a pasta dish w/ spinach and ricotta cheese tonight. Pasta and cheese are some fear foods of mine that I still have issues with, so I'm excited about it and am going to push myself to have a nice big plate of it!

P.P.P.S. Jenni Schaefer's book "Life Without Ed" was really great and I highly recommend it! She is coming to speak at my treatment center in October, and I really want to go!

Have a beautiful weekend. Off to plant some flowers with my daddy :-)

"This award is bestowed on a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant. This award is about bloggers who post from their heart, who often in times put their heart on display as they write from the depths of their soul.”
There are three rules that need to be followed on accepting this award:
1. Brag about it.
2. Select seven blogs you find brilliant and link back to them.
3. List ten honest things about yourself.

Ok, so I am not even going to bother choosing 7 people because it's too hard of a decision! EVERYONE deserves this award because every blog I follow manages to inspire me in a different yet equally important way!

But now, on to the fun part--10 honest things about MOI! ........

1. I used to take dance (ballet, jazz, tap, hip hop, etc) intensively 6 days/week, and for awhile I really wanted to be a professional ballerina.

2. My left thumb is shorter and fatter than my right. (It is weird and ugly and has been nicknamed "Stubster" bahaha)

3. One of my favorite things about myself are my freckles. I think they make me unique.

4. I have never broken a bone or had a cavity in my entire life! (*knocks on wood*)

5. I did, however, get 14 stitches in my chin when I was 8!

6. One of my favorite childhood movies is "The Labyrinth", with David Bowie. Yes, I was/am a weird child!

7. I have known my best friend, Brooke, since I was 2. We grew up 3 houses down the street from one another and were inseperable. ED has put a strain on our relationship, but I have faith that we'll be ok.

8. My mom, as much as we butt heads sometimes, is truly one of my best friends.

9. Sometimes I get frustrated and depressed and think that full recovery is not possible.

10. Then I realize that ANYTHING is possible, especially recovery, if you dedicate yourself completely to it and never give up hope!

So anyway, I am into week 2 of the camp. The kids are younger this week--grades 3-5, and are super cute. I finally have TV and internet in my house here, so it's not TOO bad. I had a pretty bad breakdown on Sunday afternoon after yet another binge, but I called my brother and he calmed me down a lot. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. He may not always understand the battles I face, but he is always willing to try and help me fight, and for that I love him!

Today we are teaching the kids about sentence structure and spelling and dialogue. Gotta go prepare the lesson!

OH, by the way, I bought cute white gladiator-ish sandals, and a pretty elephant charm that I put on a ribbon and made into a necklace, and 3 pairs of stud earrings. Shopping therapy works wonders :-)

Have a great day and a great week, ladies. Keep your chin up, and I promise I will too. I am home again in 2 short days and will be seeing "Julie & Julia" Friday night with my mama.

P.S. Yeah, this post keeps going. Sorry. But I just started reading the novel "Girls in Trucks", by Katie Crouch yesterday afternoon, and I CANNOT PUT IT DOWN! I'm already halfway through, which is quite a feat for a slow reader such as myself! I highly recommend this book!

Losing weight and faith

Guys, why am I such a downer lately? This sucks!

So, I am at home right now in Maryland. Last night I went out in Bethlehem, PA with my roomie Lauren (who is amazing and I love her to death and she is SO supportive and caring and patient) and *D (I won't do full name for her because I'm angry with her at the moment).

Basically, it has been a LONG week. Thursday night, Lauren arrived at our house in Selinsgrove, PA around 8pm, and I helped her set up some stuff in her room before retiring for the evening. Then, after ANOTHER restless and fitful night of sleep, I woke up around 7:15, went to work til around 12:30, then came back to our house. Then, I packed a bag and off the 3 of us girlies went to Musikfest!

http://www.musikfest.org/

So, we got to Lauren's house around 4pm and then hung out for awhile. Then we went to dinner and I really tried to push myself by getting FRIED fish tacos with a CREAMY chipotle sauce (fried things and creamy sauces are def 2 ED no-no's for me!).

Then we went back to Lauren's, drank a little, went to her friend's house, played some drinking games, and then walked into town for Musikfest. Basically, there's food, music (duh!), crafts & stuff for sale, and tons of drunk people roaming the streets.

We tired of this scene quickly because it was SO effing crowded, so Lauren, D, and I headed to Roosevelt's bar and met up with some of Lauren's old friends from high school. I drank a decent amount of Southern Comfort and a little vodka, so by the end of the night I was pooped!

So, why am I mad at D? Well, she used to be anorexic (although now I'm realizing she is NOT better at ALL), and used to be helpful to me at the beginning of recovery. Now I am realizing that she is one of those "competitive" anorexics. Yes, she is at a "healthier" weight, but is still a good 10 pounds lighter than before her ED. Also, at dinner, she ordered a burger and ate it without the bun and no cheese and touched a few of her fries and admitted that she didn't eat lunch on purpose so she could drink more later. She was constantly talking about calories and stuff, and just being VERY triggering last night. Which is part of the reason I left at 10:30 this morning and drove 3 hours to my house. I just couldn't take it anymore.

D also seems to have developed a drinking problem. She gets so super sloppy and Lauren was upset because D was being really skanky with all of Lauren's guy friends, including her old flame from high school. D also kept pressuring me to drink more and then got really sloppily drunk at the bar and started YELLING at me really loudly in front of people for no reason. She told meto just go eat something and was basically making my ED public, and I was really upset because obviously it's not something I feel like sharing with everyone, especially at the bar when I just want to be normal and have a good time. Plus, it's not like I was telling everyone about HER issues.

Oh well. I'll be ok. But all day I've been out of it. I came home STARVING around 2:30 pm and gorged myself on cereal, oatmeal, milkshakes, and PB & J, then felt sick and slept it off for 2 hours. Then felt guilty and took a jog and did a bunch of situps. Then felt guilty for doing that so I took a shower and ate as normal a dinner as possible (normally I would restrict after a binge). My stomach feels nassssty, but I'm gonna try to push through it.

I was curious after my shower so I weighed myself and could not believe my eyes...I have lost about 3 pounds since my last weigh-in a week and a half ago. I am really upset with myself.

I feel like my blogging is getting more depressing, and living alone at school is triggering ED tendencies. I need to stop this cycle, FAST. I am seriously afraid my parents won't let me go back to school in a few weeks if I don't have my act together.

I am sick of this disease ruining my life. I am 21 years old. I want to start my senior year of college off right! I want to be healthy and happy and have fun and study hard and get a good job and hang out with friends and relax and do all the things young women are supposed to do.

I need to push through this. I have had 2 Ensures today, and I'm gonna have another. And maybe some ice cream and stuff. I need to just DO THIS.

**************************

On a lighter note, Laura from worthless words gave me an award!.............


I'll post more on that later, but thanks Laura, it means a lot. :-)

Thanks for all your love and support, guys. It is incredibly awesome and I love you all!!!

Photosss

Here are some photos I promised from my last post (in no particular order b/c I'm at work and not on my Macbook so I'm not sure how to do it right...):

Chicken stir-fry made in my new house! All by myself! I'm such an adult now haha

Billie (L), Me (center), & Danielle (R) drinking the infamous BOMBER! (isn't it huge?!)
Close-up. Yes, it is flaming!

...And here is my delicious pizza from Emma's! (I ate the whole thing & I'm not ashamed! haha)

So, I am trying to stay positive. Last night I was feeling lonely and mopey, but I kept myself busy reading and watching the movie "Charlie Bartlett"--which I highly recommend, by the way. Also had 2 "shakes" with Boost, fruit, and PB yesterday. I am really trying to stick with the plan. It's NOW OR NEVER!

Keep it up. You ladies are so strong and inspiring to me.

Update on living alone!

Good morning, ladies!

Just thought I’d give you all a little update on what’s been happening since my big move into my house this past weekend!
Well, I arrived Saturday afternoon and unloaded some of my stuff (clothes, etc) and then my friend Billie and I went to a place called Emma’s for dinner, which was amazing. They specialize in organic, local-grown foods and have lots of vegetarian and gluten-free options, and basically options to suit any diet. Billie and I both got pizza. She got a salmon pizza and I got a mushroom pizza with cheese and spinach and lots of other interesting toppings. I took a picture and will post it ASAP, but I’m at work in a computer lab so I don’t have access to all my pictures (and still no internet or cable in my big, lonely house. Ughhh).
Anyway, by this time it was already past 8, so Billie and I grabbed my classy box of Franzia white zinfandel wine, my bottle of vodka, and a few beers before heading to Danielle’s house a few streets over. We then drank and went out to BJ’s, a local restaurant, to meet some of Danielle’s friends. At BJ’s, a man we didn’t know who was in his forties ordered the 3 of us the “Bomber” drink. It includes about 7 shots of ridiculousness, and needless to say after this drink I was pretty tipsy. It is served with a flaming lemon on top, which is awesome (again, photos are forthcoming, I promise!).
After this, we headed to Bot’s Tavern, a local bar. It wasn’t as fun as the places in Baltimore, and I also didn’t know a lot of people, but once the semester starts I think it’ll be more fun there because more SU people will be around. Speaking of which, there were a few people from school at Bot’s that hadn’t seen me since April (aka when I was deepest into my ED and weighed ** lbs). One girl, who is a biatch and I never have liked, was whispering to her friend when I walked in. I think I looked pretty hot in my new silver shoes and my little purple dress, so whatev. I know I still have a long way to go in terms of gaining, but I am making progress, so the hell with what everyone else thinks.
Anyway, our night ended with a late-night pizza delivery (3 medium cheese pizzas for 3 girls! HAHA), and falling asleep around 3am with the “Sex and the City” movie on in the background.
Sunday I unpacked some more stuff and basically recovered from my wild night. Also did some much-needed grocery shopping.
Monday the Writing camp started. The kids are between grades 6 and 8 (so, around 11-13 years old) and it is actually a lot of fun. I get up early every day, around 7 or 7:15, and leave the house by 8 to walk over to campus, which isn’t far. The kids are great, and I remember some of them from last year. The other 2 counselors are girls I know from school who I also worked with last year, so it wasn’t too scary on Monday.
After the camp lets out around 12:15 each day, I basically walk home and make lunch and relax and read and watch movies that I rented from the library across the street from my house.
I find myself getting lonely, but yet when people invite me to do things I am afraid. Stupid ED. I’m proud of myself though b/c last night, I was feeling depressed all alone in my big house and was just going to sit around doing nothing, but Billie invited me to go out to dinner w/ some friends. At first I automatically said “No, thanks”, because that’s what I’m so used to doing from my ED days—isolating myself. Once I sat down and thought about it, though, I decided that the idea sounded fun and that I wanted to go. So I called her back and told her I’d changed my mind.
I was nervous at dinner and only got a cranberry walnut chicken salad, which really wasn’t enough, but I tried to make up for it by having a snack before bed.
I admit that I’m really struggling here. Lauren, my roommate, is coming tomorrow and spending the night and then we are going to her house for that music festival, which is something to look forward to. But the past few days by myself have been rough. Yes, I have the camp in the mornings, and I’ve been trying to at least have some sort of human interaction each day (like dinner last night, or talking on the phone w/ family & friends), but the isolation I feel here reminds me of ED, and makes me feel like reverting back to my old ways. I hate admitting it to myself, but I’m afraid of slipping. I want so badly to prove to my parents and friends that I’m stronger now and can conquer this, but making lunches and dinners and eating them alone has been hard. I only have minimal groceries and sometimes I get so frustrated with not knowing what to make that I fail to make a decent, healthy meal.
Although I did make delicious stir-fry chicken the other day, which I proudly photographed and will post as soon as possible.
So, I really am trying, but I feel myself thinking like an anorexic again and it worries me greatly. Like, I know that we’ll be drinking a lot of alcohol on Friday night, so I am already planning in my mind how to cut back calories this week to make up for it. And taking jogs even when I’m exhausted. It’s awful and I know I need to stop before I undo all that I’ve worked so hard for this summer. I haven’t weighed myself in a few days, partly because it’s triggering, and partly because I don’t want to feel like a failure if I haven’t gained an adequate amount. I have less than a month until the semester starts. I am supposed to gain AT LEAST 5 pounds by then, and I’m supposed to WANT to do this, but for some reason I am scared shitless.
I have not been having my 3 supplement drinks a day. Barely 1. Yesterday I had none. This vicious cycle MUST end. I just want to get better and not have the thoughts. I want to eat what I want when I want because I want it. I want to take a jog or work out because it makes me feel good, not because I will feel guilty if I don’t.
I keep taking steps back, but I feel like I am still moving forward. I need to stay positive. I think today, instead of forcing myself to take a run or a bike ride like the past few days, I am going to bring a book and walk to the river and sit on a bench and read and perhaps write in my journal. I need more inner peace, more body confidence, and to feel better about myself. I know I’ll get there. I have made HUGE progress since April (as in, 15 pounds and the ability to do things I never would have imagined like going out to eat or having PEANUT BUTTER and ice cream sundaes and CHEEESE!). However, I still have a long way to go, and I need to take it one day at a time.

P.S. I have been having a frustrating problem recently that is making it SO hard to motivate myself to gain. I have been getting compliments recently about how great I look. And I’ve been getting more male attention as well. Also, I was at the mall trying on clothes and the woman told me how great I looked and people have complimented me on my thin figure. On one hand it makes me happy. But on the other hand, it frustrated and angers me. It’s one thing for my mom and dad to give me compliments on my progress, but when people who don’t know me compliment me, it angers me because it shows how skewed society is. I am still underweight. My BMI is not in the normal range. I am still NOT HEALTHY. When I tell some people I am trying to gain at least 10 pounds, they are appalled and ask WHY?! Like it’s so terrible.
Eff society and their ridiculous ideals. I want to be HEALTHY and HAPPY. Thin is not everything. Besides, even at my goal weight, I’ll still be thin. So boo-yah!

Ok, more later….Hope you ladies are all doing well!!! I've been reading your blogs as much as possible!

Adieu for now, ladies!

So, I am leaving tomorrow afternoon to move back into my house at school. I called the cable company to set up a time for internet and cable installation, but the earliest they can come is Monday, August 10th. Sooo I'll be living all by myself in a 4-bedroom, 2 bathroom house with no TV or internet for a week out of the 2 that I'm there. At first I was freaking out, but I think it could be a really positive thing. Sometimes I feel like we depend too much on technology to keep us occupied, so this just means I'll have to be a little more creative. Plus, I am working at a creative writing camp for kids in the mornings from 8-12:30 each day, and I'll have internet access there (so maybe I'll be able to do a quick post or two). Also, I live right next to the public library and within walking distance of campus, so anytime I am super bored, or if I start to miss you guys too much and want some blog lovin', I can walk on over to campus and get online!

So anyway, let me back up a little and tell you about my week. It's been pretty boring, to be honest, and kind of difficult mentally. I feel like I take 5 steps back for every 1 step forward. But at least that means I'm still overall moving in a positive direction, however slowly it may be.

Wednesday was my weigh-in with Courtney, and also my therapy session with Anne that my mom decided to attend with me. First, the weigh-in: I barely gained. Not even half a pound. I admitted to her that I probably haven't been eating enough. She told me to increase to 3 Ensure Pluses a day, and to add some more snacks. I don't know why, but it's been SO hard for me to eat lately without feeling terrible about myself! (Oh, wait. Could the reason possibly be that I have an ED? hahaha.) Sorry, I'm a bit sleepy.

But I am just struggling because I keep going back and forth. I'm happy to be gaining but when I see the number rise I freak out. I enjoy delicious food but after I eat I feel fat and guilty and worthless. It's difficult for me, and some days I don't even want to make lunch because I struggle so much with deciding what to make and how much and what I should drink and whether or not I should have a snack. I was doing so well for awhile, and now I feel like I am ruminating wayyy too much on food.

But I am hoping this 2-week stint where I have a job and am living on my own and cooking my own meals will be a good test for me. A good test of strength. I have already typed up a list of goals and positive affirmations to hang in my room. And I have lots of lists of meal and snack ideas Courtney gave me that I put in a binder. And 2 brand-new cookbooks that I can't wait to break open! I WILL conquer this. I also forced myself to make plans with friends for during the 2 weeks so that I stay sane and social and connected. And so I EAT enough. I am going to my roommate's house next weekend for Musikfest, which is this awesome music festival with lots of drinking and music (duh) and people selling crafts and just lots of fun things. So, I'm really excited about that.

Ok so this is longer than I thought. But let me get back to my week. So, the meeting w/ my mom was pretty pointless. She was so concerned with making herself look good to Anne that she lied out of her ass and I kept my mouth shut because I don't even have the energy or even care enough anymore to fight her. Even tonight, she was in a bad mood after a long day at work and she just says things to purposely trigger me. I can't wait to get away. My dad agrees. He said I need to get away from her. Tonight, she was all stressed out trying to decide what to wear to some family reunion my parents are going to (I can't go b/c of the camp), and she just kept making negative comments about how "fat" she is and about wanting to look younger, etc etc. and my dad and I were getting annoyed. And I told her that she should be more focused on how she feels and on having a fun time and that it isn't all about appearances and that she'll look great no matter what and that nobody is going to think she looks old or fat. 

And she said "Life IS all about appearances. Whoever says it isn't is just lying.  All people care about is how you look." and continued on and on with words like these. Here I am, a recovering anorexic, finally realizing there is so much more to life than a number on a scale or how your hair looks or what outfit you have on, and she goes and rains on my parade. *sigh*

Oh well. Anyway, I am determined this time to make this work and to push the negative thoughts away and replace them with positive ones. Today I was going to push myself to take a run, but I realized I was too tired and sore and so I didn't. I didn't exercise at all. And I probably won't tomorrow either. Even though I went out to dinner tonight and will tomorrow. And guess what? I didn't grow 8 chins and I didn't die or anything! ED is so silly and irrational sometimes, and I think I'm finally able to counter those thoughts with more productive ones. Yes, the negativity still lurks, but I'm learning to fight back.

The rest of my week has been a bit droll and boring, but I'm ok with it. I am getting lots of reading and writing done, and will probably do a lot more in these next 2 weeks. And I think working with kids will be fun, and I'll be making a little bit of money and keeping myself occupied, if only for a few hours.

This post is so ridiculously long, and I apologize. Hopefully I'll be posting soon! Adios ladies! 

Oh, how I miss Paris....

leisurely strolls to the Eiffel Tower...

visiting Claude Monet's home...

experiencing the majesty of God...

standing at the base of the Arc du Triomphe...

fountains and beautiful gardens and castles....

& luscious pastries galore...

Just a handful of the splendid experiences I miss from my trip to France......

BACK TO REALITY!.....

Ok, so, thank you all SO INCREDIBLY MUCH for your kind words of support and encouragement on my last post. And thanks also for kicking some sense back into me! I WILL beat this thing, and I have already come so far, and I am NOT fat, and I probably never will be. 

Saturday night made things a whole lot better. Once again, I would post pictures but my camera cord is at school. So, when I move in this weekend (THIS WEEKEND! I can't believe it!!!), I will be sure to post some. Except, we haven't set up our cable or internet in our new house, so I may be MIA for a few days next week til it all gets worked out.

Ok so SATURDAY NIGHT:

Originally a group of girls was going to go out and drink and dance, but it ended up being just my friend Kristen (one of the girls from my 21st birthday bash) and I. And actually, it was really really nice just the two of us. She goes to UMBC (University of Maryland Baltimore County), and I met up with her at her apartment, which is only 30 minutes from my house. I met her roommates' 4 adorable little kittens, and then Kristen took me to this place for a late, swanky dinner:

http://www.therumormillrestaurant.com/

It's a Japanese Fusion bar, and I got a shrimp teriyaki bowl with veggies and rice, and a Ninja to drink--it was divine! The "Ninja" includes: Van Gogh Double Espresso Vodka, Creme de Menthe, Creme de Cacao, and a splash of cream. Basically, it tasted like mint chocolate chip ice cream with a twist. We also split the Banana Wontons for dessert, which are fried wontons with banana, chocolate, brown sugar, and cinnamon inside, topped with chocolate sauce and served with Kahlua espresso ice cream! Needless to say, I felt very well-fed and satisfied.

After our meal, the rain was letting up (thank goodness!), so we drove into Baltimore city for a night on the town. Our first choice, Fells Point, seemed lame--there were people my parents' age at all the bars! We quickly changed our minds and went back to Federal Hill, where we had spent my birthday. We spent our whole night, from 11pm to 2am, at Mad River Bar and Grille! It was amazing!!!

I felt SO much better about myself. I wore the black and white dress I posted pics of before, and I actually felt pretty. Men bought us drinks, men danced with us, and 2 British boys invited us back to the Holiday Inn with them (we went, which was stupid, but then left right away because it was super sketchy and Kristen and I are NOT sluts. Flirts, yes, but sluts, no! haha).

All in all, Saturday night was fabulous. I was SO happy that I drank (I still have a weird complex about caloric beverages, alcoholic or otherwise, and am still trying to overcome this by trading my usual Diet Soda at lunch for a glass of juice or lemonade). I drank vodka and cranberry, which in my ED days would have been considered WAY too caloric. I also had a shot of sweet tea Firefly vodka (paid for by a man named Alex who was supposedly "24" but I think was probably 30 hahaha), and also had a gin and tonic.

Sunday, I paid for it though. I was feeling suuuper hung over for the first time since my birthday! I am going to try not to make binge-drinking a habit at school. Yes, going out to the clubs and dancing is (and was!) super-fun, but I am going to try to pace myself more. Plus, I'm spunky even when I'm sober, and totally not afraid to dance like an idiot even if I haven't had a drop of alcohol. So my goal when the semester starts is to limit drinking to the weekends, and to never have more than 3 drinks in one "sitting". I think this is reasonable. I can still get "tipsy" and have fun and dance, but I won't be feeling like crap the whole next day.

Sunday, my parents and I went shoe shopping and I bought this ridiculous pair of SILVER 4-inch heels that I plan on strutting my stuff in at the bar. WOO! They were $19 on sale, and something VERY outside of my comfort zone, but I figured why not! You only live once, right??

I also took a 2-mile jog with my dad, which I haven't really done in awhile. It was nice, but I definitely am kind of "out of shape". Oh well. I need to focus on getting to a healthier, happier body weight before I stress myself out about my pathetic 9-minute-mile pace.

I am going to try to be positive this week. It's my last few days at home, so I am spending my days packing, doing yoga, reading and writing, collaging, and getting everything ready for school. I want to enjoy my last few days of boringness. I've been complaining all summer about boredom, but now that work is right around the corner, I want to put on the brakes and take some time to relax!!!!!

Hope you all take some time to relax, as well. 

Thanks for everything. You ladies have changed my life, and in some ways, even saved it. I am incredibly thankful for the support of this community of beautiful, strong, intelligent women. 

Do something for YOURSELF today!